


Bad Temper

by dickren



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: F/M, and kylo is an awkward and bland son of a bitch, hux is a dick but whats new, lots and lots of cursing, reader is a furious little shit, some nsfw/smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-23
Updated: 2017-03-13
Packaged: 2018-07-26 08:16:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 23
Words: 118,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7566877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dickren/pseuds/dickren
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I'd be lying if I said your temper does not intimidate me...it's far more worse than my own. I'd also be lying if I said I don't find you quite...r a v i s h i n g."</p><p>What if there was someone with far worse temper than Kylo Ren himself?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You're Vexing

**Author's Note:**

> Originally, this was just a request on tumblr but the feedback I got from it and the fact that I actually really loved the outcome made me turn it into a mini series...so, enjoy!

It must've been unheard of to have someone on the Resistance to have a strong temper--it wasn't like you destroyed the place when things didn't go your way--but you were pretty verbal, and when it came to war and being on the battlefield, it was as if the enemy saw the devil in you as they cowered in fear. It was, without a doubt, a fact that you were one of the Resistance's best soldiers to date. Though, you weren't Force Sensitive nor were you a 'helluva pilot', you were exactly what the Resistance needed when it needed a role model. Your presence was intimidating, you held your ground awfully well, and your integrity was high. It was no wonder the general decided to recruit a person like you.

"Unleash the hound," Poe joked as you stood in one of the carriers filled with other Resistance soldiers, your eyes rolling as a small chuckle left your lips. "And by hound, I mean-"

"I know, I know," You spoke into the com, "You're very funny Poe, but need I remind you who had to save your ass from a pair of Jawas..." Arching an eyebrow, you check your blasters one last time before looking over at Finn who was the slightest of jittery--this was his first assigned mission and you knew for a fact he was anticipating the action, reuniting with his ex-allies--well, now adversaries.

"Okay, you promised to keep that between us, not to tell the whole Resistance," Poe mumbled, narrowing his eyes as he flew ahead, leading his squadron. "But now that Jess knows about this, I'm pretty sure she won't let this down-"

"You bet I won't!" Jessika exclaimed, a laugh following after, causing you to snicker.

"Alright, kiddos, let's pay attention to the _real_ problem ahead." Karé spoke up, causing you to sigh the slightest. "We should be landing on Jakku very soon."

"Why is everything on Jakku..." Finn mumbled next to you. "Does-does everyone love that damn sand planet? Why can't it be Tatooine? Huh?" Looking over at him, you chuckled.

"Tatooine? Really? Don't you like... _hate_ sand?" You snickered, causing the young man to roll his eyes. "It's just a little sand, look, you fought Kylo Ren-- _Kylo Ren_ \--this should be cake." Patting his back, Finn nodded as he took in a deep breath. "You'll be fine, plus, you've got me." You winked.

In a matter of moments, everyone was piling out of their carriers, the TIE fighters and X-Wings flying high above in their own battle as everything suddenly unraveled in front of you--you knew this was going to interesting, especially when you were about to see Finn participate in his first major mission that wasn't unplanned or last minute. "Alright, bud, let's do this!" Giving Finn's shoulder a tight squeeze of encouragement, you rushed off.

Blasts after blasts were being fired, things setting on fire while the ground exploded a good distance away from you. You lived for this kind of stuff, if it wasn't for the fact that your parents were war veterans and you lived a life on the battle field, you wouldn't have been so casual with the thought you could die in any minute. In reality, you greeted death like an old friend, if you were going to die--you were going to die with pride, knowing you did your people well. "Don't fall behind!" You shouted over to Finn as you shot at a few troopers, Finn rushing up towards you as the two of you hid behind a pile of junk. "You're gonna survive this!"

Nodding his head, he took in a deep breath. "Me?! I'm worried about you! You like running head on! Aren't you the least bit worried that you could be injured--or worse--killed?!" Finn shouted as you shrugged. "Are you even real?!"

"Apparently not!" Standing up, you fired the blasters in either of your hands, knocking out a handful of stormtroopers. 

Rushing off, Finn threw his hands up in the air. "You have got to be kidding me!" He whined, rushing after you as you continuously shot, Finn shooting when necessary, you getting most of the troopers aiming your way. "Are-are you always this...insane?!" Finn yelled as you nodded.

"Basically! Get used to it, kid!" You laughed, shooting at another trooper, smashing your blaster against another troopers head as you shot a pair. "When you're in constant war, there's not time to relax--the adrenaline is real and I have to take advantage of it!" Running off, Finns eyes widened as he chased after.

"I can see that!" Shooting his own blaster, you watched as a few more shuttles landed, you grinning as Finn whined. "Come on!"

"This is war, Finn, get used to it!" Hiding behind a large piece of metal scrap, Finn simply stood there as he watched Phasma walk down the ramp. "Oh, maker..." Grabbing him by the collar and pulling him down as the new round of stormtroopers shot, you pointed a finger. "Come on, Finn! What happened to the Finn that stopped at nothing to save Rey! Think as if you're doing that again, maybe then you'll get motivation!" Standing up and firing a few rounds, you crouched down again. 

"Well, I can't when I know Rey is back there with Luke swinging their lightsabers like it's nobodies problem!" Finn loudly whispered over to you before something exploded off to the left of you two. "Jeez!"

"You can do this Finn, trust me, I've survived for so long." You nodded as you stood up, arms out as you shrugged. "And you don't see me trembling!" Walking backwards, you only turned around and rushed off, Finn shaking his head and sitting down as he took in a breath.

"How am I supposed to compare to that?" Rolling his shoulders, he stood back up and began firing. "I guess someones gotta match up with your insanity, y/n." Shooting, Finn ran off deeper into the battle. If someone else was going to go down with you, it would've been Finn--he was ruthless in that field when it came to defending his friends.

Looking up at the blinding light of yet another shuttle, you recognized this one to be different than the others--the command shuttle. "Ah, so the son of a bitch has arrived, huh..." You smirked, looking back down as more stormtroopers swarmed around. You wondered if Rey and Luke were going to handle the commander, although Leia said there was no action necessary to be taken towards the commander unless he initiated it, and if he had--then only Luke and Rey could deal with it, no one else.

So you let it be. You weren't up to having a damn lightsaber through your chest or cut off your head for that matter, so you continued on fighting--and knowing Leia, she definitely wouldn't want you near the man, the idea of losing one of her best was not something she was looking forward to. "COME ON!" You shouted to your fellow soldiers, waving a hand as they all followed in your direction.

It was a disaster, but what battle wasn't? There were more and more tents and huts on fire as more eruptions were being heard. Up in the sky were more explosions, a few of the fighters came crashing down and causing more of a wreck to the surrounding area. It didn't help that there were more stormtroopers than expected.

Gritting your teeth as it felt as if the number of enemies were increasing rather than decreasing, you felt yourself becoming ravenous. It didn't help that some of your men were killed from the overwhelming number of stormtroopers--did the Resistance really underestimate the Order? "Bastard." You gritted your teeth even more, straddling a trooper as you smashed the back end of your blaster against its head, the sudden pressure knocking them out. Snatching their own blaster, you shot at a few coming to your side, tossing it towards one running towards you. "WHY WONT YOU ALL JUST DIE OUT?!" You grunted, feeling your adrenaline slowly run out. 

Without a doubt, you were going to reach your breaking point and wouldn't be able to hold much any longer, but you were persistent-- _too_ persistent--so even if your body ached in pain, you fought on. 

The number of Resistance soldiers were dwindling, and from where you were, you could spot the glowing colors of green and blue flashing around from a good distance as a blaster shot from behind you--it couldn't possibly just be four of you against more than a dozen!

Looking around, your heart echoed in your ears as you spotted all the troopers surrounding you, Finn calling for backup through the comp as you took in heavy breaths. You were used to this, hell, you had fought against dozens of stormtroopers on your own before--but this time, this time your instincts were kicking in and you felt nothing but a bad tugging feeling in your stomach. You guys couldn't lose, you couldn't just give up now, you had to stand your ground and nothing was going to stand in your way.

Pulling out your blasters and ignoring the simple fact that your body was slowly giving out, along with the deafening thought that there were over twelve stormtroopers in the surrounding area, you grew vicious. 

Tossing your blaster towards the trooper in front of you, you quickly rushed behind him and kicked the back of his knees, snatching his blaster and holding him in a headlock as you shot at his comrades. "You bucket heads are all nothing but nuisances." You snarled, shooting a good five of them. 

"Y/N!" Finn called out from behind. "Y/N!" Getting too caught up and trying to eradicate all of the surrounding stormtroopers, Finns voice was hollowed out. "Y/N! Y/N, HEY!"

"Y/N!" A third parties voice came in, your head shooting in its direction as you saw Rey standing by Finn, a sudden blast shooting your thigh and causing you fall to the ground. 

"Fuck!" You cursed, the blaster slipping out of your grip as the trooper that was in your grip instantly snatched it, you shooting him with your second blaster before you hissed in pain. Clutching onto your thigh as you sat on your knees, trying to shoot at more stormtroopers, your arm gave out. 

Laying a hand against the sand to keep your balance as you were hunched forward, you took in heavy pants as the pain in your thigh burned. "Y/N!" Ignoring Rey's call, you were about to pick up your blaster once again, only to see it fly off. Growing wide eyed, you looked over to Rey in Finn, sweat coating your forehead as you gave her a confused look as if you were wondering as to why she had done it. But the moment you saw the two defending themselves off instead of Rey stopping you from battling any longer, you realized it wasn't her, a sudden bright red light came into your line of vision as it appeared over your right shoulder. "Y/N! NO!" Rey called out again, you gulping as your eyebrows knitted. 

Knowing exactly who it was, your body froze in its spot until the man walked around and stood right in front of you, you looking up at him as your jaw clenched. Never in a million years did you think you'd have to come face to face with the menace that was Kylo Ren. "Y/N!" Finn and Rey echoed, your eyes locked on to the visior of the helmet rather than over at your friends as you felt your body tense up.

It wasn't fear, it couldn't have been, you told yourself to never fear the enemy--but the sight of the man who could kill you with one swing of his lightsaber made your blood run cold. "Commander," Hearing a female voice speak up, the man didn't even bother to turn his attention away. "It seems as if a fleet of Resistance members is coming our way with more man than we have left on the field."

Feeling your body tremble the slightest, the man deactivated his lightsaber as you felt a pair of hands on either of your arms. "Fall out." Swallowing the lump in your throat, you were instantly pulled to your feet, the pain in your thigh shooting up as the yells of Rey and Finn called out from behind you echoed in your ears. "Bring her on board." Turning around, you blinked, looking over your shoulders to see swarms of troopers hold back Rey and Finn as they continuously fought their way through and continued shouting your name.

Looking over at the trooper to your left, you instantly elbowed them, kicking their shin with your good leg as you snatched his blaster, about to shoot the other trooper, only to be frozen in your spot. You couldn't feel a single muscle in your body, everything suddenly going numb as if you were paralyzed. Shifting your eyes over to the dark figure stalking your way, your breath grew heavier and faster as you knew he had done this to you. If you could, you would've cussed him out with every curse word there was in all the languages you knew, but you didn't want to make things worse and you definitely did not want to lose your life.

"Persistant, are we..." He spoke up in a rather mocking tone, standing dangerously close to you as he knocked out the blaster from your grip, your eyes looking at it as the man instantly waved a hand and sent you into oblivion. "Make sure those two don't follow," Kylo demand to the two troopers as they nodded, running off over to Rey and Finn as they continuously called out your name as they watched Kylo hold you over his shoulder. 

"Y/N!" Rey cried out before you were out of her sight, unconscious body in the enemies hold. "Y/N!"

. . .

The second your body slipped back into consciousness, the pang of pain in your thigh caused you to hiss. Your once shut eyes slowly fluttering open to the sight of the bland room--not a single window in sight nor a drop of color--everything black and silver. Taking in a slow, deep breath, your teeth clenched as you looked down at the wound, seeing how it burned through the material of your pants, thankful to see it hadn't gone too far deep.

Leaning your head back, you swallowed as you shut your eyes for a moment--out of all people, why did you have to be the one now in restraints on what possibly was a First Order flagship. "Good, you're awake." Hearing a male, accented voice, your eyes trailed down to the redhead. Hux. Snarling the slightest, the man raised an eyebrow as he walked up to you. "I'm sure you're well aware of this chamber, seeing as one of your friends was sat in that exact spot--except he escaped through the help of a rogue trooper. I'm sure that won't happen to you," He harshly smiled, causing you to glare. "Rather than having Ren, himself, interrogate you...I believe it would be best I would. That is why we're moving you." Waving a hand, a pair of stormtroopers walked, unlatching the restraints as they attached a pair of binders on your wrists, grabbing onto your upper arms.

"And you truly expect for me to give out valuable information on the Resistance? Or Luke Skywalker if your dearest commander is still obsessed on executing him?" You cocked up an eyebrow as the generals jaw tensed up. "It's quite foolish of you not to use your commanders cheap tricks that is mind reading...but if you insist on doing the interrogation, then this must be easy." You smiled, only for the man to walk out as the troopers dragged you along.

"I may not be Force Sensitive, but I have my ways of getting information out." He grinned, walking down the halls as fellow officers had passed by, paying you no mind as you did the same--the last of your worries were stuck up, Order scum. "Whether in a humane or inhumane way, we will get out what we want, Resistance scum."

Rolling your eyes, you were pulled into a whole new room, four dark grey walls surrounding the black metallic table along with a one way window sitting next to the door. "How secretive of you," You scoffed, looking over to the window as the troopers forced you to sit on the metal chair as they took a step back, Hux standing in front of you with arms crossed. "So...do your job." You nodded, lying your now binded wrists on the table.

"We will start simple--tell us what you know." Scoffing, you laughed.

"Do you honestly think I have time for your bullshit, general? You can't possibly think you chose the best candidate to interrogate, now, did you?" Tilting your head, the man sighed. "Of course not. Let me guess, your going to ask me again and again, you're gonna get violent--with that bitch face of yours, you seem to be the violent kind--your gonna try and torture the shit out of me and still get absolutely nothing because I don't break."

"Are you sure about that?" He took a step forward as you nodded. "Mind telling me how your parents died, dearest Y/N Y/L/N." Slightly narrowing you eyes, you gulped.

"You very well know what happened to them, bastard." You spat. "After all, you were the one who killed them." Speaking through gritted teeth, you tried your damnedest to keep your cool, knowing how very easily it took you to get ticked--especially by the general.

"Did I?" He asked. "Please, refresh my memory."

"You son of a bitch!" You lunged forward, only to have the troopers hold you back. "You can try all you want, but all you're gonna get is nothing but fucking trouble out of me you jackass!"

"Quite the tongue you have, makes me wonder as to why you're even with the Resistance," Hux chuckled as you rolled your eyes. 

"Fuck off," You seethed, sitting back in your seat as you snatched your shoulders away from the troopers grip. "Tell that wimpy ass commander of yours to do the interrogating, maybe then he'll actually get something out."

"As much as I'd love to see the commander mentally torture you, I don't think it's fair he take all the credit." Pulling the chair back, Hux sat down. "I seem to irritate you quite easily-"

"No shit, you're vexing." You scoffed.

"Much more easily than I do the commander...I could only imagine you two going on rampages together-"

"You don't know a single thing about me, ginger fool, so keep your thoughts to yourself." You seethed through your clenched teeth.

From behind the window, kylo stood there with crossed arms, watching--and listening--to the fall out. He had to admit, your temper was a tad bit worse than his own--at least what ticked him off was something going wrong, where as for you, it was the simple sight of the general. Sure, Kylo couldn't stand his comrade, but he didn't go around slamming the man with constant slurs and insults. He couldn't help but be the slightest of fascinated in you. 

Of course, on the battlefield, he had noticed you long before--something about you caught his attention--the way you radiated power and determination. Just by the way you shot at his troopers without a single flinch and by the way you cursed at them every time they had shot at you or one of your fellow men only made him more intrigued. For someone who was supposed to be on the 'good' side sure seemed as if you hadn't been--which only made the commander question as to why you were even a Resistance soldier--let alone, related to your parents. He had seen the two here and there before on the battlefield and they were nothing like you--you were just a savage, and you were exceedingly passionate about victory and helping the Resistance. He could only imagine how it would be if you were on his side...maybe then he wouldn't have to deal with Hux alone.

Watching as you shouted profanities, spoke back to the general, and even shot out sarcastic remarks, Kylo tried his damnedest not to laugh--to him, this was amusing, and there was nothing better than seeing someone not have a care in the galaxy to back-talk to man as powerful as Hux himself.

"Don't think for a second you bringing up my parents death will make me weak. If anything, it gives me more of a reason to want and capture your sorry ass and lock you up for good." Leaning forward on your elbows, Hux arched an eyebrow.

"You don't want to kill me?" He smirked as your eyes rolled.

"Do I look like a murderer to you? I mean, sure, I shoot down your useless troopers, but thats out of self defense--not out of fuckin' revenge. I don't believe in holding a grudge and stopping at nothing to avenge my parents death. They wouldn't want that. But, I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't want to torture you to the point where it feels as if you're about to die." You were now the one smirking as Hux's half smile dropped. "You better pray to that supreme leader of yours that I never escape, because if I do, I'm coming back for you."

Leaning back in your seat, your words dripped like venom--for a person who could read liars and tell when people were talking just for shit--Hux knew for a fact you meant everything you had said, as if he felt fear for the slightest moment. Clearing his throat, he stood up. "Your threats mean nothing to me."

"Is that why you're cowering out so suddenly?" You snickered. "Do I frighten you, general?"

"You're nothing to me, just like your parents were-"

"Are you threatening me?" You raised an eyebrow. "You better hope I don't take you down the second I'm released from these restraints. I'll make sure that pretty hair on your head is no longer attached." Scrunching up his face in disgust, he aimed for the door. "Scared of a little girl? You can't be!" You shouted.

"Watch her!" Hux shouted before exiting the room, looking over to seeing Kylo standing there.

"Miserable." He simply stated, earning a look from Hux as if he contemplated whether or not to back talk, only to walk off.

Taking in a deep breath, Kylos arms fell to his sides as his fists balled up, walking into the room as he watched you sit there, eyeing the cuffs, only for his attention to turn to the burn wound on your thigh. "Leave." Hearing the mechanical voice, your eyes shifted from the binds, over your shoulder as you heard the stormtroopers walk out, leaving you alone with the commander. "You've got quite the temper." Standing to the left of you, you simply looked straight at the wall ahead of you.

"Do you admire it?" You joked, only to hear a slight snicker come from his helmet.

"Possibly so." Narrowing your eyebrows, Kylo came into sight as he stood at the edge of the table, leaning his palms against it as he looked over at you. "You seem to...frighten the general." Sniggering, you shrugged.

"Good, although I would've preferred frightening _you_."

"I think we both know who is scared of who in this room." Slowly looking over at Kylo, you gulped quietly.

"Are you here to turn my brain into mush? I'd prefer that over hearing that general of yours speak." You nodded with a fake grin.

"As tempting as that sounds, no." Furrowing your eyebrows once again, you leaned back in the seat.

"Then why am I here?" You questioned as Kylo stood up straight, crossing his arms behind his back as he circled the table. 

"You are quite..." Taking in a deep breath, he stopped mid-pace right behind you. " _Fascinating_."

Scrunching up your eyebrows even more, you slowly spoke up. "How so...?"

"You are so full of rage...yet, you are not..." Kylo tilted his head the slightest, as if he were reading you. "You fight with such determination and fierceness that it makes me question as to where you stand-"

"Clearly on the light."

"Yes, of course...but with all that anger in you, the way you're easily ticked off, are you really?" Rolling your eyes, Kylo removed his helmet from himself, you hearing the hiss from behind. 

"Don't think for a second you can convince me to turn to your side. I am who I am for a reason, I am violent because thats the way I get things done on the battlefield. That doesn't mean I'm like that towards others." Hearing a hum come from him, you sighed. "Well, aside from infuriating men such as general ginger." Hearing a rather clear snicker rather than a muffled one, you looked over your shoulder.

"Are you sure it isn't hate you feel towards the general?" Slightly squinting your eyes at the sound of a less mechanical voice, you took in a deep breath.

"No, and if I did, I am not Jedi...I could feel hate and still be on the good side. But I do not feel hate...just annoyed."

Hearing him walk once again, he spoke up. "Are you annoyed by me?" Seeing him come into view, you nearly gasped at the sight of him. Sure, you knew Kylo Ren was no other than the son of Leia Organa and Han Solo...but you never expected him to look _this_ way? How foolish of you, the two were as beautiful as they come, of course their son would look breathtaking!

Mentally swatting away the thoughts of how strangely good looking the man was with all his unique features, your eyes shifted away from his own--it wasn't fair that the enemy was handsome--especially when he had hair much more nicer than yours was now. "What do you think?"

Smirking the slightest, he studied your face, eyes shifting up and down. "I think you're...intrigued." Shooting your eyes over at him, your face now held a muddled expression. "It doesn't take mind reading to see that. You're also terrified, or at least when I have the helmet on. Though you like to tell yourself you aren't, when you are."

"I'm not. I'm not any of that."

"Of course you're not any of that towards the general...but towards me, I beg to differ." Narrowing your eyes at his cockiness, Kylo's hand reached over, hovering above the binds holding your wrists together, only to see the cuffs snap. "I know what I said is the truth, and it's only fair I speak my mind." Looking back up at him, he straightened his back. "I feel the same way towards you--fascination and fear." Blinking at his statement, you felt thrown back. "I'd be lying if I said your temper does not intimidate me...it's far more worse than my own. I'd also be lying if I said I don't find you quite... _ravishing_." Feeling your heart skip a beat as your throat locked, you took in a breath.

"Why are you telling me this...?"

"Because, it gives me a reason as to why I'm letting you go." Growing wide eyed, he placed his helmet on the table. "You're a valuable member to the Resistance, an exceedingly valuable one that is. Take this an opportunity to not be so courageous as you are, for all we know next time I won't be the one who captures you."

"As if I'd let myself be captured." You snapped.

"You did this time around," Nodding over to your wound, you gently touched it. "Make sure it doesn't happen again."

"Why are you doing this?"

"Because I'm sloppy, I let two of my inmates slip right out of my nose...why not a third?" Looking down for a moment, your eyes trailed back up. You couldn't feel much malice for him, at least not at the moment. 

"I-I'm not the best at piloting." You admit as you slowly stood up.

"I'm sure you'll find your way around." Picking up his helmet, you swallowed.

"How do you expect me to just walk out of here when your halls are filled?" 

"You will find a way, I know you will." Kylo nodded his head before taking a step forward, leaning down as his lips were dangerously close to your ear, sending chills down your spine. "Don't get yourself killed, I'd like to see you on the battlefield again some day." Kissing your cheek gently as you had sucked in your breath, he straightened his posture and aimed for the door, sliding on his helmet.

Exhaling as you watched him leave, you felt your cheeks burn up. Did the commander of the First Order actually let you out...just like that? Without laying a single hand--well, mentally--on you and not harming you? Pushing the thoughts to a side, you knew for a fact you were limited on time and did not want to stay locked up any longer on the Finalizer--so you left as quickly as possible.

The moment you snatched the TIE fighter and left the vessels hanger and realized no one--or at least it felt like--had been shooting at you, you knew for a fact Kylo took part in your escape with more than just a simple 'leave'. You just didn't know how long the tingling sensation on your cheek would last.


	2. Sweets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Don't worry, you'll see me again."

There was nothing like the sweet feeling of returning home--or that burning sensation that still lingered on your cheek from Kylo's kiss--it almost was as if the man had lips of fire that burned with passion and desire...which only made you the _slightest_ of flustered and irritated. Flying the TIE fighter wasn't as bad as you expected, although it was tricky, you remembered a few tips Poe had told you about piloting which were (surprisingly) useful.

Before entering the planets atmosphere, you were somehow able to hack and interfere through the Resistance base radio waves to contact the landing crew, telling them who you exactly were and for them to look out for a TIE fighter, requesting they not fire it down--you did want to land in one piece and with only _one_ injury.

Landing the starfighter, you rather quickly climbed out, hissing here and there at the pain in your thigh as you walked towards the entrance of the base. Hearing muffled talking coming from the meeting room, you came to a stop as you stood in the doorway, everyone's voice hollowing out as they turned to face you. "You can't possibly think the First Order could keep me, did you?"

Standing there with arms wide open and a smug look, you were instantly engulfed in a hug by Finn. "You had to be so damn daring, didn't you?" He breathed as you slowly wrapped your arms around him. "You have no idea how worried sick I was about you, y/n. It's good to see you home." He now nodded, pushing you back and holding onto your shoulders.

"It's good to see you, too." Smiling up at him, Rey nearly shoved him out of the way as she hugged you. "He-"

"Next time I yell at you please turn around!" She nearly blurted in your ear as you had hugged back.

"Okay, first of all, I did...second of all," Pushing her back and pointing to your thigh, she frowned. "Thought so."

"I'm sorry...I was just trying to warn you about Kylo," She sighed, looking at the injury, then back up at you. "Finn and I tried to get your attention, to tell you he was coming for you...but you were too caught up defending yourself."

Waving a hand, you shrugged. "It's fine, as you can see, I'm safe now. If you and Poe did it--I can do it, too." Nodding your head with a smile, Rey gave you a warm one back. "Speaking of which...where's the Jawa scaredy cat?" Before you could even turn to look for him, Poe hugged you from behind.

"Thank the maker, you're okay...I knew you'd get out of there in one piece!" Poe squeezed you in his embrace as you chuckled. "But don't doubt for a second I wasn't going to plot a plan to rescue you-"

"Really?" Turning around, you crossed your arms. "Unlike you, I didn't need a rogue trooper to save my ass-"

"Whoa, hey! In my defense, I was being tortured alright? You look pretty damn okay to me!" Poe pointed to himself as you rolled your eyes, grinning as you shoved his arm.

"That's because I'm just _that_ good." Shrugging, your eyes landed on Leia as she had entered the room. "General..."

"Y/n..." Gazing up at you, she only smacked your arm the slightest before pointing a finger. "I told you not to engage in action with the commander!"

"I-I didn't!" You exclaimed with your hands up in defense. "He came to me!"

"I know, I know," She smiled, "I'm just kidding...though I do wish you weren't such a daredevil at times. As much as it's helpful, it's a bit...worrisome-"

"Tell me about it." Finn huffed with an eye roll as you shook your head.

"Let's get you bandaged and cleaned up, you need a good nap as well." Walking side by side as Poe offered an arm to help you walk--although you were perfectly fine to do so on your own--you still took it as it eased the pain a bit.

"So...what happened?" Rey curiously asked as her, Finn and Poe surrounded you as Leia helped wrap up your wound. "Did he do anything to you."

Taking in a deep breath, you thought back to the cheek kiss and nearly blushed. "No...actually. It wasn't even him who tried to interrogate me. It was that sorry excuse of a general, I think I scared him more than he tried scaring me..."

"I wouldn't even doubt it, you're quite the intimidating young woman," Leia nodded with a small chuckle.

"He tried but failed miserably...like, he was flat out terrible. The man ended up leaving--and to his mistake--decided to tell the pair of stormtroopers watching over me to wait outside. I took this as a grand opportunity to make an escape." You partially lied, not wanting to mention the whole Kylo ordeal. "It was a bit tricky knocking out a pair of troopers in plain sight and to steal a TIE fighter, but hey, we did it," You winked at Poe as he nodded in agreement.

"Let's hope they don't track that bad boy back here," Poe crossed his arms.

"No worries, it's being taken cared of." Leia nodded before finishing up wrapping your thigh wound. "Good to go, my dear."

"Thanks, general." Kissing the side of her head, you stood up. "I just can't wait to eat, shower, and sleep." You huffed after stretching your arms.

"Nice to see you took this all very well as we worried to death about you," Rey arched an eyebrow, as if in suspicion.

"What can I say, I'm a true warrior," You shrugged before making your way out the med bay. "And if you need this true warrior, I'll be scarfing down some grub in the mess hall," You pointed before leaving their sight, releasing a deep breath, one you hadn't realized you had been holding in.

It wasn't everyday you could say the same man who kidnapped you released you _and_ kissed your cheek--all because he was fascinated in you as if you were some rare crystal. At first, you weren't sure if you were creeped out or flat out flattered. The entire flight back to D'Qar made you rethink the whole scenario--the man took you in because he was intrigued by your--in a sense--anger issues, yet, decided to give you off to interrogating. _Sly son of a bitch_ , you thought.

You couldn't help but snicker at the idea, the man was smart--he knew the only way to get to know you slightly better was to take you in and make it seem like you were a hostage with valuable information. As cruel as that sounded, you knew the man lacked in the field of romance, if this was any sort of romance, so you let it slide. At least you came out of it unharmed--well, not from his hands or the generals. You just wondered what had been going through his mind now and if he (or the angry ginger) were in trouble.

Getting a tray of food and nearly scarfing it down, you aimed back to your living quarters, taking a long--hot--shower before clocking out for the night.

Massaging your hair with the shampoo as you allowed the warm water to drench your skin, a sudden tug was felt in your head, as if a slight migraine had been coming on. Shaking it off as it went away, it only came back...then left, and came back. This happening a good handful of times and making you question as to whether or not this was a headache or Rey messing with your head again.

But, for some reason, you knew it couldn't be the latter. As much as Rey liked to try and read your mind, she always complained how it was too hard to even reach through your skull, as if you had thick barriers blocking your thoughts. And as much as she liked trying, she decided to give up and give you your privacy, although you allowed her to try--your thoughts weren't anything out of this galaxy--so why would you care?

If it wasn't Rey--and definitely wasn't Luke--then who could it have been trying to break into your floating thoughts? And why were they even trying to? It wasn't like you had anything interesting going on in there, only thinking about your current position and how you were exhausted...so why (whoever it was) would care?

Rinsing the shampoo away, you felt the tug again, except this time, a bit more stronger. Opening your eyes and knitting your eyebrows, you rubbed your temples before releasing a sigh, continuing on to wash your hair as you applied globs of conditioner.

Feeling the sensation disappear for the rest of the shower, it only came back the moment you were wrapping the towel around your body. "What the hell?" Exiting your bathroom and aiming for your closet, it was almost as if something fuzzy was echoing in your head, like a com too far off from the grid.

Succumbing to the thought that maybe it was--indeed--Rey, you were about to rush out of your room to hers, in the towel and all, that is until something inaudible hummed in your thoughts. Narrowing your eyes, you took a step back from the door and tried focusing on it. Whoever it was, they were trying to communicate with you rather than invade your privacy.

Grabbing your underwear and sliding it on as you changed into your nightwear, you plopped on your bed as you brushed away the tangles in your wet hair as you tried focusing on the staticky sound in your head.

Sitting there for what felt like hours trying to decipher a code, you ended up giving up, somehow pushing the irritating buzzing away and was finally left to your own thoughts and nothing more. That is until that night your dream was rudely interrupted by a visit of a person that _wasn't_ of your dreams.

Waking and sitting up as your alarm had gone off, you grunted as you shoved your face into your pillow--why would you dream about Kylo? And in ways that didn't make sense? All it was, was you leaning your ear against a wall as you could also see Kylo on the other side trying to say something, nothing but muffled noises being exerted. You were confused to say the least, eyebrows knitting as you tried and tried to understand him, but nothing was being comprehended. "Maybe it was him..." You mumbled to yourself as you shrugged. Was Kylo really trying to communicate with you through the Force? If he was, he was flat out miserable doing so because you couldn't hear jack squat.

"Morning, Captain," Jess waved at you as you had joined in the early morning breakfast with the rest of the crew that was the black squadron, plus Finn. "Words being spread that you made that general form the Order cry."

Chuckling, you shook your head as you sat in between L'ulo and Wexley "I wish...though I did scare him off, I sadly did not make him cry."

"What a bummer, I could've sworn that you out of all people, would've made him...I've heard nothing but bad about him, at least you've got the skill to scare him." Jess shrugged as she ate at her food.

"And what's better than scaring off the fiery redhead?" You arched an eyebrow as Jess shrugged.

"Alright, enough about that...we have a new mission to run." Finn spoke up. "Apparently there's been talk that the Order has been sending troopers to Tatooine kinda like what the Empire did back in the day. They're supposed to be watching out for any suspicious activity of Force Sensitives seeing as two were brought up there-"

"One, technically." You corrected.

"One...anyways, general Organa has decided to send out a fleet to check it out--Rey and myself. You guys will be the air division in case anything funny happens." Finn stated as your eyebrows narrowed. "I didn't forget you, y/n...as much as the general wanted to keep you behind from two nights ago...you are our best."

"And you better believe I wouldn't stay behind. Tatooine? I've always wanted to visit the desert planet...although I'm amazed you're even going, Finn?" You wiggled your eyebrows as Finn sighed.

"Don't get me started...I'm doing it because I have to. I hate sand as much as the next guy-"

"Next guy? As in who? Anakin Skywalker?" You snickered. "Who really hates sand-"

" _Anyways_ ," Finn interrupted, "We leave tomorrow, this'll be in the daylight so we have to be extra cautious of civilians and being caught." He nodded his head as everyone else did the same. "Poe is readying his plans for you guys as Rey is doing the same with the general. This should be quick and easy, in and out--that means for you, too." Finn looked at you as you rolled your eyes.

"I'm not going to be kidnapped again, what are the odds Kylo Ren would be there?" You snickered, and boy did you hate proving yourself wrong.

The next day had come rather quickly and you were back at it. As much as the pain in your thigh had subsided, it still liked to surprise you here and there with random pangs of pain as you walked or ran. By now, you were on Tatooine and a little in-and-out mission turned into a save-your-asses as the troopers had recognized the three of you.

There were easily a good fifteen of them in the surrounding area of Mos Eisley. The place felt like a big maze and it didn't help that you got separated from Finn and Rey, but it wasn't like this didn't happen often when you were out on the battlefield. Except this time, you didn't intend to leave the two behind as you went to fight, it just sort of _happened_.

"Dammit!" You hissed as your blaster kept getting jammed on you. You'd shoot down a good four of the troopers, only to miss six of them as they came. It was getting out of hand and you had resorted to hand-to-hand combat when necessary. Of course, attacking their armor wasn't the best idea, but it did some justice as you were able to knock out a few and steal their blasters to use against them.

Rushing down steps of an alleyway as you continuously looked behind you to see troops coming, you were instantly surrounded--two at the end as another two came from one of the entrances down the path of the alleyway to the left of you. "You've got to be shitting me..." You huffed.

Kicking the one closest to you in the stomach, you hunched him over and rammed him into his partner, grabbing the two and tossing them down the steps as they knocked down the other two. Running down and jumping over the four, you shot at them as you had backed up, then turning around and running off. As much as hand-to-hand combat was nice, it was much more tiring than shooting a blaster.

"Halt!" Shooting a look over to the trooper, you fired your blaster at them, only to be rammed against the wall and tossed down.

Groaning in pain from the impact of your back hitting the rough wall, you tried sitting up, only to see the same trooper aim their blaster at you. Growing wide eyed for a moment, you aimed your own blaster and pulled the trigger, suddenly realizing it was jammed again. "No...no..." Trying to pull the trigger, the trooper wrapped their finger around their blasters trigger, about to pull it until a bright red light came seeping through their chest, you gasping as the body suddenly collided on you.

"I said to not let it happen again." Looking up at the man who had been speaking, your mouth hung loose as you blinked.

"I thought you meant being kidnapped!" You exclaimed, shoving the body off of you.

"No, I meant _that_ ," Kylo pointed to your thigh. "Except this time, you would've been dead."

"What? Do you want a thank you?" You scoffed with a laugh, only to see Kylo latch his lightsaber on his belt as his arms crossed. "Fine, thank you."

"It's the least you could do for me letting you escape _and_ saving your life." Sticking out his hand, you completely ignored it as you stood up on your own, picking up your busted blaster and eyeing it.

"Damn, stupid blaster," Tossing it to a side, you huffed. "Look, it isn't like you did it out of _kindness_..." Turning to face him, you crossed your arms, "You did it cause you're infatuated in me."

"Obviously so," Kylo blatantly stated as you arched an eyebrow. "Why else would I save you?"

"None, there are no other reasons, Kylo Ren." You sighed. "I can't believe you'd only save my life because you _like_ me." Scoffing with an eye roll, Kylos jaw clenched.

"Appreciate it or I would've allowed you to die-"

"No you wouldn't," You smiled.

"Yes-"

"No, you wouldn't have." You smirked as Kylo let out the lowest puff of air. "How did you find me? Better yet, why are you here?"

"I have my ways."

"You're so damn bland, it's exhausting," Throwing your hands up, Kylo tilted his head the slightest. "Do you expect my knees to shake for you? My body to tremble from pure excitement at the sight of the one and only Kylo Ren?" Chuckling, Kylo gulped. "I'm no fool, Ren, I'm not that easy to love." Walking away, Kylo followed after you.

"Who said I loved you?" He questioned you, more like questioning himself, unsure if he had accidentally admitted to it.

"Look at what you're doing." You spoke over your shoulder as Kylo suddenly came to a stop. "You kidnapped me because you were fascinated, you let me escape because you didn't want me in harms way, you saved me from the hands of death because you didn't want me to die  _and_ you're following me because you don't want me to go." Turning around to face him, your arms crossed. "Tell me you don't love me."

"I don't love you."

"Lie." Turning back around, you continued your walk. "You're a terrible liar, even behind that helmet of yours. I wouldn't blame you for loving me, I'm one of a kind," You winked over at him as Kylo took in a deep breath. "But seriously, why are you trying to creep into my mind?" Stopping in his tracks again, he only grabbed your arm and turned you around. "Kylo...?"

"How-" Cutting himself off, he only stared at you. "Your mind, it's got these defense walls so high up you can't see the top...why?"

"Why does it matter to you? Are you trying to find more things to love about me?" You teased as Kylo shook his head.

"No, I would not enter your mind without your permission." Suddenly being thrown aback, your lips pursed as your eyebrows furrowed. "I was trying to communicate with you, but your mind is so...so strong, it's unbelievable."

"Well, when you have a menace who's Force Sensitive and would stop at nothing to get what he wants...you kinda can't be weak minded-"

"No, that's not what I mean, even I was able to break into that pilots mind and he had a strong mind, too..." Narrowing your eyes, you slid your arm from his grip slowly.

"Speaking of which, you can't possibly think I'm going to like you back after what you did to my friends-"

"I never expected you would, but that still doesn't stop you from being enthralled by me." Mentally cursing yourself, you knew he was right. As much as the man did your friends wrong, your stupid feelings and hormones did you no good. "Your friend, the scav-"

" _Rey_."

"Rey, she caused the scar on my face, she isn't an angel-"

"Neither are you, but some of us do things to survive," You cocked up an eyebrow. "Look, if you want to communicate with me then just do it," You shrugged.

"It isn't that easy, you need to let me in in order for me to talk to you mentally."

"Alright, then come in," You shrugged again, Kylo furrowing his eyebrows from behind his helmet as he focused on your thoughts. _Hello_. "Hello to you, too. Really? You enter my brain and all you say is hello?" You chuckled.

"How?"

"How, what? It isn't that hard to just let someone in..." You chuckled.

"No, it shouldn't be that easy, you can't just say 'come in' and allow me in that swiftly..."

"Appreciate that I even let you in, Kylo," Placing your hands on your hips, Kylo stood there and watched you. It didn't make a lick of sense how easily it was to enter your thoughts when you simply said two words, it couldn't be that simple...could it? "Now get out." Feeling his mind being pushed out, Kylo stumbled back.

"I-I don't under-"

"There's nothing to understand," You chuckled, "It's my mind and I control it..." Turning on your heel as you continued your walk, Kylo followed shortly. "Look, if you want to communicate with me so badly..." Taking in a deep breath, you opened your arms as you looked up to the binary stars, "Then welcome."

. . .

"Jeez, I thought we lost you yet again," Finn breathed as you had ran into him and Rey. After allowing Ren into your mind, he warned you where the stormtroopers would be coming from as backup was called, then proceed to warn you that you should go seeing as it was going to be unbearable with the lack of men on your side, you taking this as kindness from the man--although he'd never admit to it. _I am not a nice man_. Rolling your eyes at the sound of his voice in your head, Finn scoffed. "Fine, I won't care for you."

"No, no, that wasn't for you...I was thinking about how my damn blaster kept getting jammed." You lied. _Good one, now you can tell him you wasted_ \- Cutting off Kylo, you could feel him begging him for reentrance. "Ugh...I regret this already."

Exchanging looks, Finn and Rey gazed at you with a confused expression. "Regret what? Coming along?" Rey asked as you mentally face palmed yourself, allowing Kylo in again. _You can't just do that, that isn't fair._

"No...I regret taking these cheap blasters..." You nodded, "This is _my_ brain," You mumbled under your breath, just enough to make sure Kylo heard it.

"Oh, okay...well, I think we should-"

"Fall out, the last trooper I got to knock out was calling in for reinforcements, we'd be outnumbered." You nodded to the two. _Good girl_. Twitching an eye, you weren't exactly how you felt about giving Kylo access into your mind to communicate if he was going to comment after everything you said. "As if you care..." _I do care, at least for your safety._

"Well, of course we care..." Finn responded. "You are our captain, a better one to me that is..." _A captain? You're a captain?_

"Of course I'm a captain..." Shaking your head, Finn and Rey looked at each other again. "Sorry, I'm a bit worked up about the stupid blasters." _Still?_ "I need to get a new pair after what happened two days ago when the son of a bitch took away my last good one." _Name calling, really? I guess that's fair enough._

"Yeah...I think it's best we leave now..." Rey nodded as she slowly backed up before rushing off. "I'll contact Poe, let's head back to the Falcon."

"Roger that," Finn nodded before following her.

Sighing, you placed your hands on your hips. "You're making me look a fool talking to myself and I'm really starting to regret I ever let you in."

 _Sorry_.

"Apologizing? I knew you were kind!"

_I am not._

"It's all good...nothing like the ultimate menace casually living in your head like a second thought and speaking to you."

_Get used to it, if I can't see you then this is how it goes._

"See me? What, you want us to have some love affair?" Hearing no response, your cheeks reddened. "I'm shoving you out."

_No!_

"So then?"

_I guess...this is some sort of...affair._

Grinning, you shook your head. "You're one of a kind, Kylo Ren. Never thought you'd have more to you than just anger."

_I could say the same to you, sweets._

"Wow, okay." Rolling your eyes, you heard Finn and Rey call to you. "Thanks...again, I appreciate you saving my skin." Hearing no response, you sighed with a small smile. "Don't get yourself killed, I'd like to see you on the battlefield someday again, Ren." Mocking his words with a small smirk, you made your way back to the duo.

_Don't worry, you'll see me again._


	3. You Bucketbrain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It was a trap."

For the past couple of days you heard nothing but Kylo's voice in your head, more than your own, it was like he took over your own thoughts. At first, you were a bit irritated that you even let him in in the first place--you wanted your mind to _yourself_ , a place of freedom when you were upset or disappointed, hell, even happy--so you'd kick Kylo out. Of course, you'd feel the annoying tugging sensation that was Kylo begging for reentrance each and everytime so you allowed him in for a reason you didn't bother to uncover. _I'm such a sucker._  

As much as you tried convincing yourself you were getting tired of hearing him speak to you, it grew to be a flat out _lie_ , somehow his voice was nothing but a soother to you. Most of the time when you were left alone, your rage got to you, you were a happy person around your friends but to yourself you were the complete opposite--the death of your parents still weighed on your shoulders even if it had been almost a year. 

Although you didn't want to admit to it, Kylo's voice was the sort of distraction you needed from your own mind.

_And what are you doing now?_

"Pacing in my room wondering how in the galaxy will I be able to kick you out for good," You teased, hearing a slight gasp come from Kylo's end. "I'm kidding, your voice isn't _that_ bad anymore..."

_Anymore?_

"You see, at the beginning I was a bit irked because you just wouldn't shut the hell up--but I remembered you have an immense crush on me so you're gonna try say anything and everything you can to impress me since, well, you can't do it in person." You smirked to yourself as Kylo bit his inner lip from his side of the conversation; he knew you were right, but he didn't want to confess.

_Thats not true, I spoke to you because I simply can not see you._

"Not because you have a crush on me?" Crossing your arms as a silence was spread in-between you and your Kylo narrated thoughts, you snickered. "I knew it."

_Okay, I do have a...crush...on you, but that isn't why I talk to you a lot._

"Then what exactly is it, Ren?"

_Why do you call me Ren? You sound annoyed._

"Because I can, Ren," You chuckled as Kylo sighed. "So, tell me, what is it _really_?"

_I'm lonely...and you're the only person I can talk to._

Taking in a deep breath, you plopped on your bed. "That's quite reasonable seeing as you have a reputation and don't have the best relationship with your comrades...but that isn't fully it."

_What?! Yes it is!_

"Why so defensive, Ren?" Lying back on your bed, you messed with your nails as you waited for a response.

_I am not being defensive, kid._

"Kid? First sweets, now kid? Wow, I downgraded." You faked a frown, as if he could actually see it. "I'm sure we're the same age."

_I'm thirty._

"I'm sure we're _around_ the same age..."

_It isn't like you're...nineteen, right?_

Contemplating whether or not to mess with him, you decided not to respond.

_YOU'RE NINTEEN?!_

"Hey! No screaming!" You snapped. "No, I'm not nineteen, relax, I'm nineteen and a half-"

_Y/N, that isn't funny..._

"I'm kidding, jeez, Ren...do you not have a funny bone?" Rolling on your stomach, Kylo rolled his eyes from behind his helmet as he stood on the deck, overlooking the viewport.

_Dating a nineteen year old isn't funny, it's wrong._

"Dating?" You arched an eyebrow, "Who said we're dating?"

_Um...I-I didn't mean it like that...I meant-_

"It's fine, I know what you mean," Slightly smiling to yourself, you crossed your arms and lied your chin on them. "I'm twenty-seven. So don't worry, just a three year difference "

_Thank you for the mild heart attack, but you're still a kid._

Rolling your eyes, your forehead slammed against your arms as you let out a sigh. "I am not a kid, _old man_." You mumbled as Kylo grinned on his end.

_Old man? Really? You can do better than that..._

"What? Would you rather me call you son of a bitch? Although I don't want to insult the general that way...maybe big fucker? Or-"

_I get it._

Smiling to yourself, you moved your head to lie on your pillow as you turned on your side. "Alright, naughty boy." Wiggling your eyebrows, Kylo shook his head the slightest as it dropped it in defeat.

_Something less...sexual._

"Sexual? You are a naughty person...and in a bad way, may I remind you-"

_Something else, Y/N._

Sighing, you softly spoke, "What ever you say, big guy." Hearing a knock on your door, you sat up with a huff. "I'll talk to you later."

Getting no response, you shook your head before walking to the door, opening it up and seeing Finn standing there. "We-we have a...a problem." Finn breathed, chest heaving as if he had been running, only making your eyebrows furrow. "A big problem."

"Okay...spit it out then..." You waved your hand for him to continue as Finn leaned a hand on your door frame, trying to catch his breath. "Finn, you're worrying me-"

"It's the Order...they're planning some sort of move-" Waiting for him to continue, your jaw clenched, "On Endor."

"Endor? Why Endor? There's nothing on Endor they need...everything that was from the Empire is completely wiped off?" Shaking your head in confusion, your eyebrows narrowed more. "They can not touch Endor, Finn."

"I know, and I know you have attachments to that planet, but we need to make a plan with a clear mind-"

"Finn, it isn't just an attachment...I was _born_ there. After the battle of Endor, the remaining Rebellion survivors lived there until D'Qar was discovered. Finn, Endor is my _real_ home...I-I can't let them touch that planet." Nodding his head with a small gulp, you pushed your hand through your hair. _You were born on Endor?_ Completely ignoring Kylo's voice as you knew he must've had part in the plan to attack Endor, you walked out of your living quarters with Finn as you forced Kylo out of your thoughts. "What does the general have in mind?"

"Well, there aren't much options...we either defend the planet with everyone who can...or, we make a deal. But knowing the Order, the latter won't happen as they're power hungry and gaining more territories for them means a closer shot to winning this war." Finn stated, causing you to let out a deep breath.

"I guess we're going into another battle." Crossing your arms, you thought about how exhausted you were from fighting--although it had been a good week since the incident on Tatooine, your thigh wound was still healing and your body was still recovering from the battle of Jakku. But Endor was your home, just as much as D'Qar was, and you would stop at nothing to defend it. "When are they planning to make a move?"

"From what I've heard, two days. The general asked me to call you seeing as you are an upper ranked officer and need to take part in perfecting the plot she's come up with--of course, no plan is ever truly perfect--but good enough to save the planet from being infested and to bring enough men back home safe." Nodding your head, you pushed the doors open to the meeting room.

It took at least a good four hours to devise a good plan, working off of the generals original idea and tweaking a few minor issues, you gave it your all, thinking all possible scenarios--you weren't going to lose Endor to the hands of the enemy--it's enough their idols had took it before. During the entire meeting, Kylo wouldn't stop tugging at your thoughts, you growing more and more aggravated before fully blocking him out; you didn't know how or what you even did, but the second you shoved him away even further, the lesser you could feel his pull.

"We depart tomorrow evening, prepare all that you need and ready your men," Leia nodded as you and the rest of the officers bowed your heads back.

Rushing out and over to meet up with Poe, your fists clenched at your sides. Kylo had the audacity to hold casual conversations when he knew there was going to be another battle coming on but didn't have the decency to warn you. As much as you were upset at the man, you couldn't really project all your anger towards him because he didn't--well at least then--know you were from Endor. "You asshole," You mumbled to yourself, hoping Kylo heard you. "I hope you're happy that we're going to meet up on the battlefield again. At least this time I hope to snatch that lightsaber away from your grasp and bash it against your stupid helmet rather than you snatching me from the fight." You seethed.

Storming down the halls as you took in heavy breaths, you came to a stop at the hangar as you saw Poe there, checking up on his x-wing. "Poe!" You called out, seeing his and BB-8's head snap over. "We've got a new mission at hand." Seeing him stand up and jog over to you, you handed him a data pad. "Rumor has it the FO are planning a move on Endor-"

Seeing his eyes shift up from the data pad, over to you, Poe frowned. "Endor? I'm sorry..."

"It's-it's fine," You shook your head. "As long as we go by the plan and do everything right, me and my planet should be okay." Giving him a small smile and nod, Poe nodded back. "Look it over and tell your squadron--we leave tomorrow evening." With a bow of your head and bow back from Poe, you turned around and walked off, aiming for your living quarters--you felt your rage building up on you and you definitely did not want to take it off on your best friend or any of your comrades--that's what made you better than Kylo, even if your temper was worse.

"Fuck!" You shouted, your voice echoing throughout your room walls, you tugging at your hair. The last thing you needed was the bastards who took your parents away to also take your planet away. "Fuck fuck fuck!" Repeating your words, you leaned your forehead against the wall, taking in heavy breaths as your face was burning with anger. "Any planet but Endor..." Your voice came out weak, your heart pounding rather harshly against your chest as your clenched fist lied against the wall. 

_I'm sorry._

Swallowing, your eyes opened from being shut, eyebrows narrowing at the sound of Kylo's voice. How in the galaxy did you hear him, let alone, how was he able to get back in?

Turning around and leaning your back against the wall, you rubbed the heels of your palms against your eyes as you felt tears burning in them. 

_I didn't know-_

"How could you possibly not fucking know?!" You nearly shouted at nothing, thankful no one else was in your room. "How can you, the fucking commander of the First Order, not know that your damn men were planning a stupid attack on Endor?!"

_I'm busy with...other matters, I was not involved, this issue was being handled with the general and-_

"Of course its your shitty general, he knows about how much Endor means to me!" Feeling the tears threaten to spill, Kylo's eyebrows furrowed as he could sense your distress, aside from hearing it in your voice--it was as if he could _feel_ it. "The man killed my parents, he tortured them just to get that out of them! He knows that Endor was our home-- _my_ home--it means everything to me because it's all I fucking have left of them!" You screamed, feeling your throat ache. "I don't expect you to understand, all you people do is destroy destroy destroy, and now you are going to destroy a part of me." Blocking him out before he could say anything, you slid down your wall, giving up on holding your tears back as they came streaming down.

You prayed to the stars that you wouldn't run into the general or else you feared you were going to see red and give him exactly what he wanted.

. . .

"We all know our part in this, correct?" You spoke up to the surrounding Resistance members, seeing them all nod their heads back. "We want as little casualties on our end, we want this to be quick--as hard as that may be--and we want no harm done to this planet. And most importantly, we want you all to survive." Placing your hands on your hips as you felt the spacecraft land, you eyed the crowd once more. "May the Force be with us."

Watching the men and women pile out before you, you slung a blaster rifle over your shoulder as you placed a pair of blaster pistols into the holsters of your pants, only to feel a hand rap around your upper arm gently. "Be safe out there, Y/N, I know how much this planet means to you...but know how much you mean to us." Finn stated as you looked him in the eye, seeing how much he meant his last few words.

"I know, but I'd do anything to protect this planet...even if that means risking my life." Taking a deep breath as Finn then sighed, he looked down as his hold dropped. "I promise you, I'll do everything I can to stay alive...but know how much I'm willing to do in order to not let those scumbags take whats not rightfully theirs." Nodding your head, Finn slowly looked up and nodded back. "You make sure you stay alive, alright? I don't need us losing you, got it?"

"Got it." Finn breathed as you patted his shoulder before rushing off. "Y/N!" Turning around, Finn give you a warm smile. "May the Force be with you." Smiling back, you saluted before darting off--hopefully your blasters weren't cheaply made and unreliable like the ones you had on Tatooine.

The fact that your only source was the light from the bright moon made you have a disadvantage, as much as you would've preferred using a personal flashlight, that would've given you away to the enemy--so you went with your instincts. Running off deep into the forrest, jumping over roots and climbing over trees that had fallen, you came to a stop as you heard blasters being shot, the battle beginning as a sudden boom came far off to the right of you. Looking up to the sky at the puff of smoke, you took in a deep breath before rushing on.

Aside from the basic logic of defending yourself, you were supposed to capture an upper ranked officer and get the information straight out of them--whether it'd be Hux or any of the troopers. Though the latter seemed much more easier to find, you had hoped Hux was out there just for you to keep your word from being held hostage.

Clutching onto the strap that was attached to the blaster rifle, you darted on, hearing more and more rounds being shot along with yelling. Slowing down your pace as you looked up at the sky to see more of the Order shuttles entering the planets atmosphere, your eyes trailed down ahead of you, ready to run off until you felt a tugging sensation in your stomach, pulling out the blaster pistol from its holster, you instantly spun around and aimed it. "Why are you here?" You harshly spoke as Kylo stood there. "I thought you weren't involved in this."

"I'm not, but you are." Slightly panting from the running, your eyes narrowed as you looked directly at the visor, hoping he was keeping his eyes focused on your own.

"I can handle myself, thank you very much," You seethed as you kept the blaster aimed.

"I know you can." Watching him take a step forward, you kept your ground as your grip around the blaster tightened. "I'm not here to hurt you-"

"Then why are you here, Ren?!" You snapped, feeling the heat rising to your face. The last thing you needed was this man here, distracting you and preventing you from the mission at hand. "I have more important things to do than look at you."

"I'm here to pro-"

"Don't you dare say protect me, you could've protected me by warning me in advance you bucketbrain!" You shouted, although knowing it wasn't the greatest idea to yell.

"I told you, I didn't know this-"

"Oh, bullshit! You know everything that goes on in that fortress of doom you call the Finalizer! You _can't_ be serious!" Feeling your grip tighten around the blaster even more, your jaw clenched.

"I promise you, Y/N, I did not know-"

"I've had enough of this," Pulling the trigger, you shot the tree behind him, causing Kylo to flinch the slightest. "Next time it's going towards your arm." Turning around and running off, Kylo stood there.

Now wasn't the time to have Kylo act like a knight in shinning armor, nor was it time for him to act clueless when you knew he had the ability to hear and know everything that went on in the Order. You didn't know who you were more mad at--Kylo for lying through his teeth or yourself for actually slowly wanting to be closer to the man--the latter seemed more reasonable, why would you (a Resistance member) want to be friends with a man from the dark side who caused nothing but pain and terror.

But yet, you felt the slightest of guilty because a part of you knew he was telling the truth, but you were riding your high horse and your home planet was far more important than a mere _man_.

Seeing a few figures off in the distance, your run turned into a walk as you carefully went behind a tree, getting closer for a better look to recognize that red hair and silver armor--Hux and Phasma. But why were they all alone there? It was dumb on their part to be standing there all alone, and as much as it felt wrong and didn't make sense, you aimed your blaster towards Phasma, hoping to injure her enough so you could get to Hux.

Squinting your eyes as you pulled the trigger, you hit her shoulder, watching her stumble back as you instantly leaned your back against the tree hearing shifting and mumbling before looking back over as Hux was no longer there whereas Phasma was clutching onto her wound. "Shit," You muttered, running away from where Phasma was, in hopes to finding Hux.

Seeing the bushes shift, your eyes locked onto the general as he had been running off. "Bastard," You whispered, aiming the blaster and shooting at him, missing as the two of you had been running. "You're not getting away that easily," Shooting his calf, missing it by an inch, you realized it grazed his skin just enough to make him trip. Smirking to yourself, you ran in his direction, slamming your knee against his cheek bone as he fell back, you straddling him and clutching onto his collar. "You fucking scum!" You spat as the man smiled, your fist meeting his other cheek rather harshly.

"Happy to see me?" Narrowing your eyes as the man continued to smile, you threw another punch, blood dripping from his mouth and staining his teeth as your blows were a little too rough.

"What the fuck do you want?!" Punching him again, your clutch tightened even more on the fabric of his uniform. "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?!"

"Invading Endor? Is it not obvious?" He chuckled as your jaw tightened. "It was a trap." Growing wide eyed, you could hear your own breathing echo in your ears along with your rapid heartbeat.

"W-what?!"

"You brought your best men here, did you not? More shuttles are coming with an even greater number of troopers--the plan is to slaughter you all. The lesser the Resistance members there are, the lesser the problem is to-" Slamming your fist against his nose, you heard a harsh crack as the man grunted.

"YOU FUCKING BASTARD!" Feeling your nails dig into the palm of your fist that now had bloody knuckles, both of your hands now clutched onto his shirt as you lifted him up. "Why on Endor?!"

"Because, it is your home planet...you did take this away from the Empire. I thought you were smart enough...to realize as to why...I chose Endor," He laughed as you growled.

"You chose...you..." Taking in heavy breaths, you slammed him down. "YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Ready to throw another punch, a blasters shot hit the tree ahead of you, you instantly rolling off of Hux. The mission was to extract the information--not torture the man--so you ran off...or at least tried to.

The moment your feet had hit the ground, hordes of stormtroopers came out from behind the trees. Cursing under your breath, you began firing at them as you ran off, hearing Hux shouting words towards you as you blocked them out. Your heart was racing faster than your feet were moving, this wasn't a mission to take over or destroy Endor--rather--to destroy you and your fellow Resistance members. You were furious, livid, beyond outraged that you didn't come to the conclusion that this was all a trick.

Running as fast as you could, you nearly tripped over an exposed root, quickly forcing yourself up only to feel a searing pain in your lower abdomen. "Ugh!" Grunting, you stumbled over your own steps, hand clutching on the brand new wound as blood stained your palms. Shutting your eyes for a moment as your teeth clenched, you fired at the trooper who had shot you, only to miss. "Dammit!" Rushing off, your pain was gradually becoming unbearable with every step you took, but you kept pushing for as long as your body allowed it, you weren't going to let Hux get what he wanted.

Coming to a complete step as you nearly slipped over the edge of a cliff, you looked over with wide eyes at the drop, the water crashing harshly against the wall of it as you instantly turned back around to see you were surrounded. "You're surrounded...Y/N." Wiping the blood away from his face as he shifted his nose back into place, Hux moved to the front of the line. "Give yourself up, kneel before me and you will not die-"

"I'm...not stupid," You breathed, body slightly hunched forward as you held onto the wound, wincing at the pain.

"I never said you were, but, you were dumb enough to come here...why? Because Endor was your home? Clearly it isn't anymore as you don't live here-"

"Endor is a peaceful place, it does not need to be overwhelmed with you germs!" You shouted back, only to flinch in pain.

"Just give it up, you only saved the planet because of your parents-"

"Do not dare...speak of them...you _snake_." Seeing the man chuckle, your eyes narrowed at him, you couldn't stand the fact he kept smiling, it made you want to break his whole face.

"If you won't kneel...then I guess you will have to die for your-" Hearing rounds being shot from a distant blaster as one by one the stormtroopers fell, your head shot in its direction, only to see someone running your way and ramming right into you and sending the two of you over the cliff.

It all happened to quickly, the impact, the fall, the sudden suffocating feeling of water absorbing you--whoever it had been was still clinging onto you for dear life as the two of you grew deeper into the water.

Feeling your lungs crave any source of oxygen, your eyes clenched shut as you held tightly onto whoever they were--as much as you were unaware of who they had been, you were grateful they had gotten you out of the mess. But who was it? Was it Rey? Couldn't be, she wouldn't use a blaster, at least not anymore. Poe? Poe was brave and would do anything to protect you, but he was nowhere near you and was up in the air. Maybe Finn? Finn could have saved you from this mess.

But the second you two had resurfaced, you knew for a fact it was not Finn. "K-Kylo?" You breathed, taking in as much air as you could as your grip was still latched onto him, your other hand trying to keep you afloat. "W-"

"You need to be more careful." He looked at you, clear anger in his expression as he held onto you. "I told you not to let it happen again and now you're wounded."

"I'm sorry that your jerk-off general had swarms of troopers after me which I had no control of!" You shook your head as Kylo rolled his eyes. "Now let go of me," Trying to shove yourself off of him, Kylo's grip only grew tighter as he swam to the shore. "I don't need your-your stupid help, I can handle things myself-"

"You clearly can...seeing as you have a blaster wound on your lower abdomen, got surround by stormtroopers and nearly got killed." Kylo mocked as you gritted your teeth, holding back onto him as you knew he was right and there was no use arguing with a man as dull as himself. 

"Whatever." You hadn't noticed it until he had brought the two of you on shore that he was no longer in his usual First Order attire, nor was his hair even down but up in a really sloppy ponytail. "Why...what are you-" Lying in Kylo's hold as he walked you deeper into the woods, away from being out in the open, you took in a deep breath. "Whose c-clothing are you in?" You shivered from being drenched in water.

"You wouldn't be happy if you knew." He responded, your eyes glaring at him as you pinched his shoulder. "Look, he was dead, okay?!"

"You're we-wearing a dead mans attire? Don't-don't tell me you gave him your-"

"No, of course not, I hid it within bushes." Kylo stated as he continued walking, looking around as if he had been searching for something. "I'm not dumb."

"I didn't say you were," You mumbled, looking up at him. It hadn't been until now that you fully looked at the scar, getting a good look at it and realize how deep it must've been to heal such way. Although it was insanely dark out and the moon was your only source of light, you could still see just how massive the gash had been. "She got you good," You chuckled, causing Kylo to roll his eyes. "But not too good or else you would've been dead."

"Thankfully I'm not or else I wouldn't have-" Cutting himself off, his eyebrows knitted as yours did the same, curiosity taking over as you wondered what he wanted to say.

"You wouldn't have what?" You asked, only to feel Kylo stop.

"We're here."

"Here where-" Looking over, your eyes looked at the tree, "It's just a tr-" Stopping mid-sentence, your eyes trailed up the tree to see a sort of house built into it. "How do you expect me to-" Carefully placing you down, Kylo crouched. "What are you doing?"

"Get on my back." Tilting your head, Kylo nearly snapped, "Get on or someone is going to see us and you'll get killed." Quickly climbing on his back, you winced at the pain on your hip, legs wrapping around his waist as your arms did the same around his neck. "Don't slip."

"I don't plan on it..." You mumbled, letting out a sigh. "I could have climbed th-this myself, you know."

"Sure." Climbing up the the man-made ladder, you looked down to see how high-up the two of you were getting, your clutch tightening the slightest as you didn't want fall--it would've been a really ugly spill if you had. Reaching the top, you couldn't help but take in the view from above--unlike whoever had lived here, you and your parents lived on the ground in a hut rather than up in a tree house--so looking at the surrounding greenery from up there, you couldn't help but smile at the nature. That is until you heard an explosion and snapped back to reality. 

"Where are we? I mean, whose is this?" You asked as Kylo's grip went under your thighs as he continued walking.

"My parents, or at least was. They gave it to me as a kid, allowing me to play in it whenever we'd visit Endor." He stated, your eyebrows furrowing the slightest. If he had visited here, you were sure to at least have seen him once--after all, you did see the general [Leia] quite often when you were smaller. "I haven't been here in over a decade, so let's hope the first aid kit is still there unless some Ewoks stole it." Smiling, your heavy breathing had slightly eased along with the pain in your hip... _somehow_. Maybe it was because you were distracted or your adrenaline had kicked in, whatever it was, you were thankful for it or else you would've been very harsh towards Kylo.

"Ewoks...I haven't seen them in so long. You must've come here often to remember exactly where this treehouse was." Walking up to the door and roughly shoving it open as it had been stuck, Kylo walked in and crouched down to let you off, the man instantly getting a hold of you and helping you on the deteriorating hammock. 

"Yeah, at least when I was a kid I did. I'm surprised I remember still." Looking for the first aid kit, you sat there eyeing the small space. As much as it was old and breaking down, you could tell it was once cozy with the size of it, thought it wasn't meant to live in--you could tell it was a place to get away to.

"Did you come up here often?" You curiously asked as Kylo had found the kit, standing back up from being on his knees as he pulled out the box from under a pile of old books.

Taking in a deep breath as he wiped away the dust from the box, Kylo quietly swallowed. "Yes."

"Ah..." Nodding your head, you watched as he walked over to you, placing the kit to a side. "I can clean up my wound on my own, you know, unless you want an excuse to see me lift up my shirt-"

"You're in the middle of a battle and you have the will to flirt?" Kylo's eyebrow raised as you rolled your eyes. "I thought you were mad at me?"

"I'm not flirting." You looked away, leaning back on your hands as Kylo let out a small laugh, knowing you were lying. "What, I'm not. And I still am _very_ mad at you."

"And I'm not wearing my hair in a pony tail," Pulling out the alcohol wipes and gauze, you turned yourself to lie on the hammock, hoping it wouldn't snap on you. "I'll clean your wound because it's the least I can do-"

"But you just saved me from-"

"It's the least I can do after making you so upset." Sighing as you knew he wouldn't let you speak, you lifted your shirt up just enough for Kylo to rub the excess blood and dirt away from your wound as you hissed from the burning. "Sorry..." Focusing on the wound rather than your exposed stomach, he cleaned away as much as he could before grabbing the gauze.

"It's fine," You exhaled, looking up at the wooden ceiling as you bit your bottom lip.

"You're lucky it's not that bad of a wound, it didn't go too deep." Kylo stated as you sat up so he could wrap the gauze around your hips.

"Thank the stars..." Looking at him, you couldn't help but gaze at his facial features--just like how you had never really gotten a good look at his scar the first time you two met--same went for his actual face. The more you stared at it the more you realized his unique features were quite beautiful. _Don't you dare, Y/N, you're still mad at him._

As much as you hated to admit to it, you couldn't help but feel your heart flutter. You knew he did wrong by killing so many, torturing your best friends and putting your family [the Resistance] in harms way plenty of times...but your heart betrayed you as you felt yourself ever so slowly falling for the man. It was almost cruel.

_Bad move, Y/N, bad move. He is the enemy, don't forget._

Pushing the useless feelings to a side, something you hadn't felt for anyone in so long since the war had began, you pulled yourself together. You were not about to fall in love with a man as messy and as destructive as Kylo Ren--no matter how much worse your temper was than his.

But damn if he didn't have the face of a king, his imperial nose and plump lips, his irritatingly cute beauty marks that peppered his skin along with his insanely beautiful hair that actually looked adorable in a messy pony tail--you definitely had to scold yourself later for even feeling the slightest attraction towards the man.

He was _your_ enemy and you were _his_.

Yet here you two were, falling in love (or at least Kylo was already in love) with one another all because you two had passionate emotions of rage...or so.

Friend or foe, you shared a burning desire for one another. You just had to make sure you didn't fall through with the plan that was being in love.


	4. Sleep Well, Kid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Only because I don't want you to die."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *you can also find me on tumblr under the username 'kyloholic'*

Falling in love with the enemy was not an option, especially when he was the biggest problem and cause of the war, you couldn't possibly think it was sane enough to feel such things for a man like _him_. So you didn't, or at least you tried not to by pushing your attraction towards the damn demon to a side. You hated how much you were attracted to Kylo, the fact that he had saved your ass a good three times now didn't make your so-called hate for him any stronger. "I shouldn't be here any longer, my people need me." You stood up, slightly wincing at the pain on your hip as Kylo stuck out a cautious hand.

"You're insane, you know they're out there looking for you-"

"My people need me, Ren. Now that I know your lovely general tricked us, I need to warn them, we have to leave or else there will be way too many casualties that will weigh on my shoulders!" You pointed to yourself as you nearly snapped. "Thank you for helping me, but I must go." Turning on your heel and walking out, Kylo followed you.

"Y/L/N, you can't possibly think this is the smartest idea you've come up with? Walking blindly out there when Hux could be looking for you or hiding out there and preparing for an attack at any minute!" He called out to you as he quickly followed. Although he didn't know you that well, he knew for a fact you were stubborn as hell and he couldn't bare it.

"I know that very well, but seeing as no one but myself knows the true reason as to why _your_ men are out here, I must risk it all in order to save them. You wouldn't know that as I'm sure you'd leave men behind without a second thought," You spoke over your shoulder as Kylo's jaw shifted. He was slowly learning not to take your harsh remarks to heart, he was well aware that you two were enemies and that you were doing this to push him away. "My family is out there, if I had to choose between them and Endor, they come first." You said as you came to a stop, turning around to face him.

Shaking his head, he took a few more steps ahead. "You can't just go out there unarmed, kid. You have nothing on you, your blasters were washed away in the river along with any other weapons you had." Kylo stated as you mentally cursed yourself, not realizing you had lost them.

Shutting your eyes for a moment, your reopened them and instantly snatched the blaster from his holster. "Not anymore," You winked as you waved the weapon. "You're lucky I didn't take the lightsaber instead," Nudging your head towards the weapon, Kylo looked down at it before looking back up at you to see you were already climbing down.

"Dammit, kid! I told you not to go!" Rapidly climbing down with you, your feet had hit the ground and soon after Kylo's. "If you go out there alone, you'll-" Cutting himself off as he eyed his surroundings, you slowly turned around and followed his gaze, only to back up into him. "You said you hadn't seen Ewoks in a while..." He mumbled as you narrowed your eyes, taking in a deep breath as one of the Ewoks harshly pointed a spear at you, making you gasp and back into Kylo once again.

"Not _these_ , they look like they're carrying our death sentences!" You whispered over to him. "This is your fault, if you would've just let me leave alone we wouldn't have been surrounded."

"My fault?!" He nearly shouted, causing the Ewoks to move in closer, pressing the sharp tips against your stomach and Kylo's back. "How is it my fault that I am concerned over your well being!"

"Well...don't be! We are enemies, Ren, shouldn't you want me in harms way?!" Rolling his eyes at your statement, you subconsciously grew closer to Kylo as you really didn't want to die in the hands of small, angry, fuzz balls.

"You have got to be kidding me, I didn't just save your ass back there-"

"I don't need your sarcasm now when we're surrounded by little upset bears!" You shook your head. "Who are not the cute and cuddly kind!"

"If you would have _listened_ to me and stayed up there, we _wouldn't_ be in this situation-" Hearing one of the Ewoks go off, the two of you instantly shut up.

"Great, this Ewok wants our skins!" You grunted as Kylo arched an eyebrow.

"You speak Ewokese?" He questioned as you sighed.

"Not entirely, I sort of understand it...they're furious that we're destroying their home planet with this battle." You responded as you rolled your eyes. "It's not me, blame him!" You pointed to Kylo as Kylo's eyes widened before he grabbed onto your wrist.

"If I'm going down, you're going down with me-" Hearing chattering go on between the Ewoks, you gulped as you could understand the few.

"This isn't going to end well-"

"Fine, I'll just kill-" Preventing him from activating his lightsaber as he had unclipped it, you held onto his wrist with both hands.

"Don't be so fucking stupid, Ren! Violence is not the answer!" You shouted at him as the Ewoks grew more upset. "Great, now they really want to cook us for dinner!"

"Dinner?! I am not going to die in the hands of some midget sized bears!" Kylo shook his head.

"Ren, be reasonable, both of our lives are at stake...literally!" You nudged your head in the direction of the spears. "If you will calm down, I _maybe_ can find some sort of compromise..."

Taking in a deep breath, Kylo rolled his eyes before clipping back his lightsaber and lifting his hands up in defense. "Fine. Only because I don't want you to die."

"How sweet," You faked a smile before turning back to face the Ewoks and slowly crouching down. "I... _we_ mean no harm," Lifting your hands up, the Ewoks slowly backed up. "We don't want to hurt any of you, okay?" Seeing a few tilt their heads, you let out a deep breath in defeat.

"How about you speak in their native tongue?" Kylo suggested as your eye twitched.

"No shit, smarty." You spoke over your shoulder before taking in a deep breath. "Let's just hope I don't say anything wrong..."

Gulping, you spoke up to the small crowd ever so carefully, hoping you were speaking the write words and getting the message clear to them that you just wanted to leave the area so your fellow comrades could leave the place because they were being tricked. Then you proceeded to explain how this was your home planet as well and that your people came only to protect it from the enemy. Lucky for you, they understood it all.

Then they asked about Kylo and you shut your eyes for a moment. You couldn't tell them he was your enemy nor could you tell them who he really was, so you came up with a lie that went along the lines of him being your..."I hate to say this," husband.

"Hate to admit to what?" Kylo curiously asked as the Ewoks nodded in agreement and pulled back their weapons as you slowly stood back up. "What did you say?"

"I explained everything and had to lie about you, told them that you were my brother." You lied, only to mentally face-palm yourself as you didn't think about that in the first place, but you were sure the Ewoks would've questioned how you two have no resemblance.

"Brother?" Kylo arched an eyebrow. "I am not into incest-"

"It's either that or I let them kill you, be grateful," You pointed a finger.

"Fine. So what are they going to do?" He asked as he crossed his arms.

"Well, they'll let us go..."

"Just like that?" Kylo questioned.

"Uh...not entirely..." You slightly winced as Kylo's eyebrows narrowed. "You see...they sort of don't want me to go just yet now that they know I speak Ewokese-"

"They what?!" Kylo nearly screeched.

"They think I'm some god because I'm human and can speak Ewokese! I don't know! They won't me to go with them!" You threw your hands up in frustration.

"You-you can't just go with them?! Didn't you not just want to go save your people?!" Kylo exclaimed.

"Well, yeah! But I can't really run over a bunch of Ewoks, let alone, shoot them!" Grunting, Kylo pulled out his lightsaber again. "Ren, don't!"

"Relax, I'm not going to kill them," Activating it, all the Ewoks instantly jumped back as Kylo harshly grabbed your hand. "We're making a run for it." Pulling you with him as all the Ewoks backed up, you looked over your shoulder only to see them aim their spears again.

"Great job, you pissed them off!" You shouted at him as he looked over, seeing the small creatures run after you two. "Here I am trying to make a compromise yet you had to screw it up!"

"What? By making yourself their god?!" Tightly holding your hand as the two of you ran, you continuously looked over your shoulders as you watched the creatures toss their spears. "You could've gotten us killed!"

"Correction, you're about to get us killed if you don't block the damn spears from stabbing us!" Snatching the lightsaber from his grip, you wield it to block an incoming spear, Kylo about to yell at you before he stopped himself. "Don't give me that look, you don't need to be a damn Force user in order to wield a damn lightsaber!"

"I'm sorry, that just looked really h-"

"Don't finish your useless sentence," you pointed the saber towards him, "Just get us away from them!" Nodding his head, Kylo ran faster, jumping over logs and exposed roots as you continuously deflected more spears.

Pulling you behind a tree and instantly deactivating the lightsaber in your hold, your back was pressed up against the bark as Kylo looked over to see the Ewoks running by. Taking in heavy breaths, Kylo leaned his forehead against the tree just above you as your chest was mere inches away from his own. "That was close."

Gulping at the close proximity, you lied a hand on his chest and gently pushed him back. "No thanks to you..." Looking up at him as you softly spoke, Kylo looked down at you, gazing at your face. Trying not to feel the slightest of flustered, you slid from under him and watched as the Ewoks disappeared in the distance. "We're good."

Sighing to himself, he turned to face you. "Have you ever held a lightsaber before?" Kylo curiously asked as you looked down at the lightsaber in your hold, shaking your head.

"Not really, this is the first one I've ever encountered...Rey nor Luke would let me near their's, I think they're afraid I'll snatch it to go on a frenzy when I'm in a bad mood..." Eyeing his lightsaber and seeing how sloppy yet utterly unique it looked, you turned around and reached out your arm to hand it to him. "Though a blaster is more in my favor, it isn't that bad of a weapon."

Slowly grabbing onto it as the tips of his fingers brushed against your own, you felt slight chills run down your spine as your hand instantly moved back, arms crossing as you rubbed them. You must've been extremely distracted to forget the sheer fact that you were still soaking wet and freezing. "I'll admit that you're pretty good at handling blasters, since I've seen it first hand..." Clipping the lightsaber back on the belt, you gave him a small smile.

"I'd say the same to you after that show you pulled off up there," Slightly shivering, Kylo's focus went on to your shaking frame.

"You're cold." Taking a few steps forward, you took one back.

"No duh, c-commander obvious..." Your teeth chattered as Kylo took another step forward, your heel getting caught against a rock and nearly making you trip back as you had been backing up.

Quickly latching onto your arms, Kylo helped you regain your balance. "Why are you trying so hard to be distant with me? Not too long ago did you easily let me into your head without a second thought." Feeling your breath hitch the slightest as you looked up at him, you gently shoved his arms away before walking on.

"I'm not." You blatantly stated as you could hear Kylo following you. "You're the-"

"'Enemy and I'm the good guy', I've heard that plenty of times already, that still doesn't stop you from being here with me at this very moment." Kylo pointed out as you bit your inner cheek. "And don't say it's because you have to after being chased down by Ewoks, you could've easily parted ways with me the moment we were being chased, yet you let me hold your hand and guide you as you somehow were able to easily wield and deflect the spears...why?"

Shaking your head, you crossed your arms to find warmth as you rubbed them again. "Because I'm a good person and even if you're my enemy I wouldn't let you die in the hands of Ewoks, it's embarrassing. Especially when your men probably don't know that you're here."

"Even if you kicked me out of your head, I can tell you're lying." Kylo stated as you sighed.

"Well I'm not." You harshly responded as Kylo smirked to himself. "Don't get so cocky, Ren, you don't know me well enough to judge me."

"You sure about that?" Continuously following you as you pushed past bushes and stepping over fallen branches, Kylo crossed his arms. "The fact that you're saying all of this without making eye contact says something-"

Turning around rather swiftly, you clenched your fists to your sides as you glared at him. "I'm not lying." Turning back around with a huff, Kylo snickered. "What, I'm not?!"

"You're so defensive about it-"

Turning around again and shoving him against a tree, you pointed a finger as your other hand clutched a fistful of his wet shirt. "Listen to me, _pal_ , you don't know jack shit about me so don't go around assuming you know me just by the way I respond to your stupid observations, alright?!" Lifting his hands up in defense, you rolled your eyes. "You're so... _infuriating_!" Letting go of him and storming off, Kylo sighed.

"I'm just stating the obvious!" Seeing you walk off, Kylo sighed, standing up from against the tree and seeing as you got lost in the midst of the trees. "Hey, you can't just walk off when we're in the middle of a battle!" He called out, getting no response. "Y/L/N?!"

Furiously walking on as your hip ached and body shivered, you hadn't noticed that you completely ditched the man before you realized there had been no footsteps following you behind. You were so frustrated--in him and yourself. Him because he knew how to get under your skin without even _trying_ to and yourself because, well, you were holding yourself back from kissing him then and there.

He irked you, Kylo Ren was officially your pet peeve, you wanted nothing to do with the commander...yet, you felt the slightest of guilty for leaving him behind. You knew deep in your heart he wanted nothing but the best for you, but that didn't stop him from being the man he was. You were so conflicted, this was the last thing you needed at a time like this, to be stuck in a situation where you couldn't truly grasp on your feelings towards the man.

Rolling your eyes as you got too deep into thought, you instantly saw one of your ships come into view, the sound of blasters being fired slowly echoing back in the sound waves as you looked over to see bright lights flashing. "Okay, they're still fighting on..." You nodded to yourself as you rushed over to the ship, walking in and immediately calling back to the base. "Captain Y/L/N to General Organa, I have received word from the First Order general himself that this was nothing but a setup, they are sending in over more troops than we possibly can handle and I am requesting we fall back," You spoke into the com, impatiently waiting for a response.

"Get those men and women out of there, captain." Nodding your head, you quickly responded back.

"Will do, general." Rushing over to the wall of blasters, you looked down at the one you had stolen from Kylo and sighed, instantly grabbing a blaster rifle and pulling the strap over your shoulder as you placed Kylo's blaster into the holster strapped to your pants.

Sprinting back out, you aimed for the war zone, calling out to the surrounding Resistance members and signaling for them to fall back as the stormtroopers continuously fired.

It felt like everything was going insanely slow, the way all your fellow men were rushing back as they defended themselves as the troopers grew closer and closer, your eyes trailed up to the sky to see more and more Order shuttles come to contact with the atmosphere as they prepared to land. "Fall back! Fall back!" You called out, waving your hand over to the ships you and your people had came from. "Fall back, it's an order!"

Seeing the remaining number of Resistance members rush back into their designated ships, you shot a few rounds at the incoming troopers as you backed up, making sure all the surviving me and women made it back safe and no one was left behind.

Locking eyes with the shuttles landing, you were instantly tugged back into the ship as everything around suddenly snapped back to normal, time no longer lagging. "What happened?" Finn breathed. "Why...why did we fall back?" Taking in a deep breath, you looked at him. "And why are you all wet?"

"It's a long story..."

. . .

"That man is too smart for his own good..." Leia paced as you stood in front of her. "I can't believe he'd go so far..."

"Leia, he's an evil man, he'd do anything to hurt the Resistance." You nodded. "I'm lucky to even be alive."

"How are you even alive? By the way you explained it, being surrounded by dozens of troops, that should've been difficult to escape..." Leia turned her attention to you as you took in a deep breath.

"I jumped, I had no other choice, it was either I die or a fall into the water. The latter seemed more sufficient so the moment I went back to shore, I had ran into this treehouse in hopes it had something to help me at least cover the wound." You lied with a straight face. "It was pain in the ass to climb the ladder, but I did it...and I'm here."

"I'm glad you are...I'm sorry you've gone through so much in a week, you must be drained." Nodding your head as you rubbed your forehead, Leia gave you a small smile. "Seeing as it's really early in the morning, take the day off, get some rest and relax. I'll see if I can get some intel on Endor and find out if the First Order are still there or decided to depart the moment you had."

"Are you sure? I don't want to-"

"I insist you do, it's important you catch up on some 'me' time. As much as you are important to us, you are important to yourself, your body must be exhausted...give it what it wants." Leia smiled as you let out a small sigh.

"Thank you, general." Bowing your head, you turned around to walk out, only to stop as she spoke up.

"Was the commander out there?" Feeling your heart skip a beat, you turned around and shook your head.

"No, this was something devised between the general and his captain. The commander was nowhere to be found nor included in the situation." You partially lied before bowing your head again, turning around and aiming for the door.

"Thank you, captain." Watching you go, Leia let out a breath before leaning her hands on her desk. She knew something was off, and it was definitely coming from your end--she just couldn't lay a finger on as to what it had been.

Taking a rather long shower from head to toe, drying your hair and cuddling up in bed, you couldn't help but lie awake under the sheets as you thought back to earlier. You didn't intentionally leave Kylo behind, but you had more important matters to deal with than a damn love interest. The people of the Resistance meant more to you, they represented the family you had lost and you couldn't bare to lose even more, even if it meant upsetting Kylo--you couldn't care less if the angsty man was mad at you for going against his words--in your defense, he was getting on your nerves.

Yet, here you were, staring at the wall ahead of you thinking about Kylo's safety. Had he found his clothes and changed back? Did he make it out safe? Was he caught? Did the Ewoks find him again? The endless questions were floating around your mind, that is until you felt that familiar tug in your head.

 _I should be highly offended that you left me behind like that, but I know how much your people mean to you, I'm just...happy to know you're safe_.

Smiling to yourself at the sound of Kylo's voice, your mind felt at ease at the realization that he was doing just fine.

_Just know that your planet is safe_ _as well_ _._

Blinking, your eyebrows knitted as you were about to speak up.

_Let's just say the commander had a word with the general seeing how this was sloppy work and a waste of time. Hux wasn't so happy, but neither was I when I had no say in all of this._

Smiling again, you took in a deep breath as you shut your eyes for a moment, thankful for your planets safety.

_I hope to see you again, except not on the battlefield. Sleep well, kid._

Rolling your eyes, you turned on your side and closed your eyes, a light grin on your lips as you found yourself able to sleep in peace. Maybe Kylo wasn't so bad after all.

. . .

It felt so intimate and sweet, the innocence that spread between the two of you as you lied there under the sheets, getting lost in each others touch as your fingers delicately grazed along the skin of his arm as his did the same to the skin on your back, sending chills down your spine--you had never felt so calm. The gentle sound of the wind patting against the walls as the light breathing being exerted from Kylo and yourself were the only noises to be heard in the close moment you two shared. It felt as if you two had no worries, nothing haunting the back of your minds or lingering in your aching chest--nothing but pure adoration being shared to one another. How could this have happened?

There were no words being spoken, just soft touches and sweet smiles being exchanged as if something so beautiful had never been shared between the two of you before. It felt so surreal, so...perfect, you knew it was too good to be true.

How could you and Kylo be in the same bad under the same sheets and be so private and comfortably be in each others personal space?

Whatever it had been, you had found yourself drifting away, slipping back into reality as your eyes fluttered open to the sight of the sun light seeping through the curtains as the clock shined the hour of the day.

Rolling your eyes at the dream, you lied on your back and placed your arm over your forehead, letting out a sigh. Was there no winning in wanting to push the growing feelings you had for Kylo away? You knew how wrong it was and how much troubles you'd get each other in if you had done something about it, but you felt it in your heart that it was nearly impossible to ignore these desires you felt for this man.

"I hate you." You spoke into the thin air.

 _Hello to you, too_.

"Do you just wake up in the morning and hope I say something to let you in?" You asked as you rubbed your face.

_Not entirely, seeing as I now have limited access to your mind...I rather not disturb you._

"So you wait patiently, is that what you're telling me?" You lightly chuckled.

_Possibly..._

Smiling, you rolled your eyes. "Very kind of you, I guess."

_Here you go with calling me kind-_

"You can't possibly think you're not the slightest of a decent human? You've saved my ass a good four times now, saved my planet, and you have the decency to _not_ disturb me. Tell me, Ren, how is that not kind?" Sitting up in your bed as you stretched, Kylo sighed.

_It's because I...like you._

"Clearly that's the only thing that drives you to be nice. What if you hadn't liked me in such romantic way? What if you liked me as a friend? Would you still go out of your way to save my skin?" Curiously asking him as you crossed your arms, you heard no reply. "I knew-"

 _Yes_.

"Really?" Arching an eyebrow, Kylo repeated himself. "Why? Am I that worthy to have you risking your life for me?"

_It isn't everyday you see someone who is much more angrier than yourself, I have to protect the souls of those who have short temper._

Laughing, you shook your head. "You little shit, you're such a liar." Standing up from your bed and walking to your bathroom, you took in a breath. "Tell me the truth."

_Fine...there's something about you that's worth saving, even if I didn't feel such...way towards you._

Raising your eyebrows as you began to brush your teeth, you responded, "That's something...not because I'm just _that_ cool?"

_No. Well, maybe. But I'm being serious...there's something about you that I can't really pinpoint that makes me want to protect you._

"Out of all people, you protect the one who can protect herself..." You snickered.

_Are you sure about that? Last time I checked, I saved you four times from the-_

"Okay, okay, I get it...thank you, you're my _anti_ -hero." You rolled your eyes as you continued to brush your teeth.

_Are you busy today?_

Rinsing out your mouth as you washed your face, you looked up from the sink and arched an eyebrow. "No...your mother thought it was best I take the day off seeing as I've worked my ass off."

Smiling at himself, Kylo stood up from the ottoman that sat at the foot of his bed. _Good_.

"Good what?" Drying your face as you walked out of your bathroom and over to your closet, you placed your hands on your hips as you decided what to wear. "It isn't like you can come see me," You chuckled.

_No, that I can not._

"Are _you_ busy?" You curiously asked, although you were sure he was busy every second of his life.

Releasing a sigh, Kylo grabbed onto his helmet. _Sort of, I have business to attend to at Coruscant, although it shouldn't take too long_. He spoke in a hinting tone as you finally pulled out an outfit--something quite similar to what you wore everyday--off black pants that you'd tuck into your boots, a white tunic and your Resistance jacket that had your rank plastered on it.

"That sounds... _fun_. What do you bad guys even do at those sort of affairs? Engage in scary stories about your interesting adventures? Maybe you have a secret club where you trade-"

_You're very funny, we speak business and only business, thank you._

Grinning to yourself, the blaster sitting on your dresser caught your attention as you walked over to it and grabbed it, eyeing the weapon. "Boring." Moving Kylo's blaster around in your hold, you opened up your drawer and hid it under the pile of clothes, not wanting people to see a blaster that clearly wasn't made for the Resistance with you. "How long does this last for?"

_A good hour, fifteen minutes if I'm lucky...which I'm hoping this time around I will be._

"What a waste of time, might as well holo-call them." You scoffed as you moved back to your bathroom, shutting the door and peeling off your clothes before entering the shower. "You should just do some touring, look at the great planet that is Coruscant!"

Lightly chuckling to himself, he aimed for the main door of his living quarters. _Yes because my attire doesn't scream who I am._

"Then why don't you just steal a dead mans attire like you did last night?" You smirked as you heard Kylo sigh. "Or just bring normal clothes to change into...I'm sure these are one-man missions, no one would ask as to why you have extra clothing." 

Hearing silence, Kylo spoke up. _Under one condition._

"One condition? You make it seem like I care if you have a good time-"

_You come with me._

Stopping mid wash as you had been rubbing your arm with soap, you looked up. "Seriously?"

_Seeing as you have nothing better to do and my day only consists of this small meeting, yes. It's better we see each other face to face than speak this way, you must sound and look like a crazy person._

"I'm in my room, no one can see me, doofus." You chuckled as you continued washing yourself.

_Is that a yes?_

Taking in a deep breath, you considered it. "Well, I'd have to somehow sneak off without anyone questioning me...I'm not a good pilot-"

_You stole a TIE fighter and was able to make it back home alive, don't give me that._

"Fine...I'm an _okay_ pilot-"

Placing his helmet on as he was about to open the door, he spoke up in your thoughts. _So, is that a yes to coming?_

Blushing to yourself as a small smile crept up on your lips, you nodded. "Yes."


	5. Frenemies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "No...we're frenemies. That's it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *you can also find me on tumblr under the username 'kyloholic'*

Sneaking out of the resistance hangar wasn't the easiest thing, let alone, getting to it--especially when your bet friend [Poe] lived and breathed there. It was pretty easy at first, after showering and eating something, you walked along the halls like any other respected Resistance officer. Here and there you were greeted by casual hellos and salutes, you doing the same back before you slid behind one of the back walls that lead to the hallway of the hangar. Of course, there was no real reason to sneak around when you could've lied and said you had business to attend to...but you were afraid word was going to reach out to Leia and a whole domino affect would happen and you really weren't up for that.

Taking one of the smaller, one man vessels, you reassured yourself you could handle piloting--you had gotten a few tips from Poe which were the basics, but you couldn't help but be the slightest of worried you'd seem too suspicious making your 'escape'. "I can do this, I flew a TIE fighter out of the Finalizer...this is child's play." You breathed, nodding to yourself as you manned the panel. "No big deal...just hit warp speed and you can set the craft on autopilot...you've got this!" Smiling to yourself, you carefully lifted off, not even bothering to look at your surroundings in hopes no one would question as to why a ship was leaving.

The moment the ship was floating in dark space, you let out a small breath, leaning back in the chair as you left the ship to auto pilot. The adrenaline from it all was slowly wearing down, it almost felt as if you were on a mission to escape Starkiller rather than sneak out of your home base. Thinking about it, you came to the realization that you were doing all of this for _Kylo_.

"Ah, dammit..." You shook your head. You were flat out terrible with keeping promises with yourself. "Unbelievable, I'm supposed to be pushing this man away not letting him closer!" Hearing your voice echo around the spacecraft, you crossed your arms and frowned out of pure stubbornness.

It was too late to turn back now, having to deal with those who possibly saw you along with the fact that the gang probably went to visit you and didn't see you around the base at all. So you let out a huff and slouched in the seat even more. _The shit I do for Kylo Ren._

Taking the time that was spent traveling to Coruscant, you got lost in your thoughts, thinking about all the crap you and Kylo had gone through over the span of three accidental meet-ups; it almost felt like it was all set up the way you constantly ran into the man. It was about damn time he ran into you...or at least you had hoped it'd be that way this time around.

"I don't like this man, I'm doing this as a favor...yeah, a favor." You convinced yourself. "A favor towards the fact that he saved my ass four times and because he's a fellow hot head, that should be enough of a reason to make me sneak out of base and steal a ship and visit Coruscant alone...right?" You spoke up as if someone could hear you.

 _Right_.

Feeling your nose twitch the slightest, you rolled your eyes at the sound of Kylo's voice. Now that he had limited access to your brain, it was random when he would appear and you began to question if you truly had control over the barrier or he now had taken over. "Why are you in my head?"

_You let me in-_

"No! I mean now! I didn't allow you in now!" Grunting with a little huff, Kylo smiled on his end of the conversation as he could hear the pure irritation in your tone.

_Maybe you subconsciously let me in..._

"No I didn't!" Thinking about it, you cursed under your breath at how much his accusation sounded true. "Okay, and if I did, what gives you the right to come in when I'm unaware? Hmm?"

_You pretty much are aware because you ask me to come in-_

Gasping, your eyes widened. "I do _not_! Who the hell in their right mind-"

_Are you even aware of how to handle your own brain, kid?_

"Stop calling me kid you prick," You growled as Kylo chuckled. "Stars, I hate you..."

_Sure you do, that's why you did all that to see me._

Rolling your eyes, you took in a deep breath. "I still hate you either way, I'm just being a good... _friend_."

_Oh, so we're friends now?_

"No...we're _frenemies_. That's it." Nodding your head, you bit your bottom lip.

_I don't know, I don't think frenemies visit one another at foreign planets along with allowing the other into their thoughts because they like having the other in._

"I do not like you...like having you in my brain!" You corrected yourself. "For your information, sir, I prefer you out of it."

_Then why do you feel so happy when I'm around?_

"Happy? How can you possibly feel my emotions when you're in there? You can't even read my thoughts!" You nearly snapped.

_That's as far as you know._

Growing wide eyed as your cheeks burned with the heat that rose up, you instantly held onto them. You were _a_ _thousand_ percent sure Kylo did not have access to your thoughts, and if he had, you were positive he was _decent_ enough _not_ to invade them. "You're just in there to hear me talk and so I can hear you." You assured yourself more than stating a fact.

 _Whatever you say, sweets_.

"What's with these pet names? Can't you just call me by my name?" You sighed.

 _No, you don't call me by my name_.

"Ren _is_ your name!" You exclaimed, only to smirk. "Actually, Ben Solo is your name. Since you want me to call you by your name, I'll call you that."

_I rather you n-_

"What's that, Solo? Are you complaining?" Hearing him sigh, you snickered. "Thought so."

_Can't you just call me big guy like you originally said? Or maybe-_

"Bastard?"

_No, I'm not a bastard._

"Ben, there's no winning here. It's either Ren, Solo...or Ben." Smiling to yourself, your arms uncrossed as you messed with the ends of your braid.

_Fine. Ben can stick only because I...care for you in a sense-_

"You mean you  _like_ me."

_As I was saying, you can call me Ben..._

"You make it seem like it's a privilege...what, is the name forbidden to speak in the First Order?" You joked as Kylo only gulped.

 _Yes_.

"Oh..." Letting go of your braid as you looked through the canopy's window, you sat up. "Well, then I guess it is a privilege I've been lucky enough to have," Your voice grew softer as you smiled.

 _You should feel lucky_.

Feeling your smile drop, you crossed your arms again as your eyes narrowed. "Way to kill the mood."

_What mood?_

"Oblivious..." Rolling your eyes, you could finally see the planet come into your line of vision. "See you later, bucket-head." Shoving him out, you took off autopilot and manned the ship yourself.

It was an understatement to say that landing a ship wasn't that bad compared to lifting it off from the ground. You were amazed at the fact that you didn't somehow crash the ship amongst the others around you that were parked, thankful to even get out of the ship in one piece. Climbing out of it, you eyed your surroundings to see nothing but a garage filled with ships; it wasn't like you could find a forest to had it in when Coruscant lacked the greenery.

Walking aimlessly away from the ship as you tucked your hands into the pocket of your jacket, you looked over to a window seeing as hundreds of hovercrafts zoomed by. "I'll never get used to that." You mumbled to yourself, you never were a city girl.

Eyeing the area around you as posters hung up on the walls presenting items and stores, you walked up to them and tilted your head. "Kazic Blaster Shop...best blasters in the galaxy." You casually read the poster, oblivious to the fact that the language it was written in wasn't in your native tongue, nor was it in any language you had spoken. "Betsy's Beauty Parlor...best hairdos in the universe--these ads are so repetitive!" You tossed your hands up in defeat. "You won't be finding me in the lower levels, psht."

Turning on your heel, you nearly jumped out of your skin as you saw Kylo standing there. "What the fuck, Ben?! Don't just stand there like a creep!"

"You speak more than just Basic?" He questioned as he grew closer, you realizing he was in normal clothing--well, semi as they lacked color--his hair in rather messy bun as his scar was no longer visible.

"And are you wearing makeup?" You questioned.

"What? Just answer my question." Coming to a stop in front of you, your thumb rubbed against his cheek as Kylo instantly swatted it away. "Hey!"

"I knew it...it isn't like anyone's gonna know who you are," You chuckled. "You're always wearing a helmet for Makers sake!"

"You never know who's watching, alright? It's a safety precaution." Pointing a finger down at you, you rolled your eyes. "Now answer the question."

"I only speak Basic, and like I said last night, some Ewokese...nothing more." You crossed your arms with a shrug as Kylo's eyebrows knitted.

"Then how did you read all of that?" He pointed over to the ads, you looking over and shrugging.

"Because it's in Basic?" You laughed as Kylo's eyebrows only furrowed more. "What? It is..."

"No, it's not, it's written in Bocce...a language only pilots and such personnel use in order for trade, seeing as this is a garage filled with spacecraft." Kylo stated as if it were obvious that you had been reading an interplanetary language.

"Bocce? But that looks Basic?" You looked over again, seeing the words clearly read out to you in Basic. "Ben, what are you-"

"Bazi batza basic?" Kylo asked as your eyebrows knitted, small scoff leaving your lips.

"Of course I speak basic, what else would you be speaking in now!" You threw your hands up as Kylo looked at you with such confusion. "What? Wasn't that Basic?"

"No..." He sighed. "That was Bocce..."

"Okay, that's not creepy..." Taking a small step back, you looked at all of the posters, reading them as if there were no problem. "I don't get it, they all look Basic to me?"

"Well they're not, they're all in Bocce." Kylo stated with an arched eyebrow as he watched you read them. He was growing more and more concerned rather than curious with how oblivious you were to the fact that you were reading and understanding a language no one had ever spoken to you in before. "Are you sure you've never learned Bocce before? No one in the Resistance taught you?"

Looking back up at him, you shook your head. "Not a soul, I don't really deal with trade..."

Taking in a deep breath, Kylo grabbed your hand and pulled you with him. "Come on, let's go do something... _entertaining_."

Scrunching up your eyebrows, you felt yourself being dragged as you looked at him in bewilderment. "Wh-...are we just going to ignore the fact that I'm reading and understanding a language I don't even know! Hello? And did you just say entertainment? Do you not have a single fun bone in your body to _say_ fun?" You questioned as Kylo pulled you along with him, walking away from the garage and over to a speeder.

"Stop asking so many questions and live in the moment." Letting go of your hand as he hopped in to the speeder, your eyes widened as your mouth fell into the shape of an 'o'.

"Did-did you just say live in the moment? Did you? Am I hearing you right?" Getting into the speeder, Kylo screwed his eyes back before flying off.

"Yes, I did. Appreciate that I'm trying my best not to be bland around you, alright?" He spoke over to you as he kept his focus ahead. Smiling to yourself, you nodded--at least he _was_ trying.

"Well, don't be so snappy, sheesh..." You crossed your arms, ignoring the fact that the wind around you was moving a little too fast for your taste.

Looking over at you for a moment as he watched you look at the city rapidly passing you by in nothing but streaks of colors, Kylo couldn't help by grin; it felt almost as if he had been living another life, one where he had not a single care in the world and took his girlfriend everywhere she wanted to go.

 _Girlfriend_.

Snapping back into focus as he turned his attention back ahead, Kylo felt that dark gloom of reality hover over him. Of course he could never have that life nor could he ever have _you_ , hell, he was amazed you two were even having this right now. He wasn't sure as to how you so easily trusted him to let him in your mind or as to why you even bothered to respond back to him every time he was in your head...he was just thankful that he a least had that.

It was a sort of peace of mind, a soother that brought him at ease when he couldn't sleep at night or had to remember the horrors of the life he had now been living...or even his past.

But at this very moment, he was going to let it all go, at least _mentally_. He wasn't going to let his problems get in the way, he wasn't going to think about the life he had succumbed to, nor was he going to think about the sheer fact that this sort of happiness for him was once in a blue moon--rather--he was going to appreciate the fact that he was sitting in a speeder on a foreign planet with the girl he had fallen in love with all because she had bad temper.

"Why are you so quiet?" You spoke up, pushing some of the loose strands of your hair behind your ear, only have them fly out once again from the wind. "That isn't very much like you when I'm around." Chuckling, Kylo looked over at you for a split second.

"That's because I'm manning this hovercraft, don't want us crashing in this mess...the fall is pretty nasty." Looking over, you shrugged. It would be a bad spill seeing as how high up you two now were, but it somehow didn't faze you...fear of death wasn't really a feeling you held anymore, not after the countless battles you've entered knowing you could die at any moment. "I wish you weren't like that."

Feeling your eyes widen the slightest, you looked over at him as you blinked. How could he have heard your thoughts? _That's a dumb question_. You knew he could, but you chose _not_ to believe it because of the many things you've said to yourself about him in your head...you just hoped he paid them no mind or chose _not_ to hear them. "Like...what...?"

"You know what I'm talking about." Looking at you, he took in a deep breath before looking back ahead. "So...careless."

"I am not careless! You are!" You gasped as Kylo sighed with a shake of his head.

"There you go getting defensive. Look, you're careless and it's obvious, you run into battles without even thinks about the what ifs...you go head on without even worrying about the fact someone could kill you at any given moment." Kylo stated as you slid down the chair in guilt. "It bothers me, alright?" Hearing nothing but the wind blowing in your ears as Kylo paused, he then continued on. "That's why I had 'kidnapped' you the day we met."

Blinking as your mouth opened to speak, no words came out. "Wh-... _really_?" Your voice came out as a mere whisper. You knew Kylo wouldn't lie about that, he was a major introvert and kept things like _that_ to himself rather than share it. "Why?"

"Yes, really." He sighed, pushing the loose hairs back away from his face, you stared at him. "There were too many stormtroopers coming your way, too many to hold on your own. That's why I did what I did, that's why your friends kept calling out to you--because I was coming for you."

"I know _that_."

"But you didn't know I did it for your safety." He stated as he kept his focus ahead.

"In my defense, I thought you were going to kill me...but then you said you took me in because of your fascination. So you lied to me?" You asked as Kylo shook his head.

"No, that's also true, I'm _very_ fascinated in you." Narrowing your eyebrows at Kylo's blatant statement, he looked over at you. "But that wasn't fully it, I wanted to protect you from them, I didn't want you to be harmed or killed--although I failed with the harming..." He sighed as he looked down to where the wound once was. "I'm sorry..."

"It's fine..." Slowly looking down at your thigh, you were thankful that wound was fine, whereas the hip injury bothered you here and there. "You still saved me, that's something." Looking back over at him, Kylo nodded.

"Yeah...I just-" Taking in a deep breath, he threw his hands up for a moment, "Why are you such a damn daredevil?! Why couldn't I have fallen for someone less chaotic and less experimental!"

Smiling, you couldn't help but chuckle at how worked up he had gotten, that is until you thought about how he said 'fallen'. "So you don't _just_ like me?" You questioned as your cheeks grew red.

"Huh?"

"You said fallen...when you fall for someone it isn't like you just like them, you feel more than just a stupid crush for them-"

"No, no I never said fallen, I just like you...nothing more, don't get excited, kid." Rolling your eyes, you grinned. "It's nothing special."

"Yeah, that's why you go out of your way to save me, right? That's why you're so protective? That's why you do the things you do...because you 'just' like me?" You spoke with air quotes.

"Listen, this isn't a mutual crush, I'm suffering alone, let me be." He stuck out a hand, pointing a finger at you as you only bit your bottom lip as you looked away. As far as he knows, you loathed him but you were _trying_ to be friendly--nothing more. "I can't believe how open I am about this, I should be concealing this all in! You have no right to know that I like you!"

Smirking, you poked his cheek. "Isn't it cute how the Commander of the First Order has a school boy crush on the Captain of the Resistance?"

"Save it, we're here." Parking the hover craft, you looked over.

"Outlander Club? You took me to a club on our first date?" You teased as Kylo's eyes widened. "Relax, I meant a frenemy date," You patted his shoulder before hopping out of the speeder.

Gulping, Kylo called out to you as he jumped out of the speeder. "I suggest you not wear that jacket, if anyone sees you're a member of the Resistance, you're done for." Looking down at your jacket, you nearly forgot you had been wearing it.

Turning on your heel, you gave Kylo a fake smile. "Well, wouldn't that be lovely?" Stripping it off and tossing it into the speeder, you fixed the sleeves of your shirt. "Although I can handle myself if something were to happen."

Narrowing his eyes, Kylo slowly nodded, "Sure." Making his way around and towards you, he flashed you a wink. "Luckily you have me here to save you from any danger you put yourself in." Watching him walk away, you tossed your hands in the air with a huff.

"Oh, would you get over yourself! I get it, you're my savior! _Sheesh_..." Pushing past him as you walked over to the club entrance, Kylo couldn't help but snicker at your reaction. What you two had was completely and utterly _unique_.

Eyeing the place, you crossed your arms as you looked over to Kylo. "So this is our first stop? This club is filled with...gamblers and criminals," You mumbled over to him as he simply shrugged, walking towards the bar. "Yeah, cause you _totally_ drink." Following him, Kylo ordered two drinks--something you couldn't quite comprehend the name of--as he leaned an elbow on the counter and turned to look at you.

"Only when I can and when I'm not on base. On these 'one man missions' I take the opportunity to drink a little, it's the least I could do to put my nerves at rest." He stated with air quotes before looking back over to grab the drinks, handing you one.

"So you drink to relieve pain, huh?" You questioned, taking a slow sip of the drink only to tilt your head. "Not bad..."

Smiling, he took a swig of his drink before placing the glass down. "It's all I drink when I come here, everything else is absolutely _shitty_."

Raising your eyebrows, you took more than just a sip before placing your own cup down. "You come here often? What, in your whole First Order attire?"

Placing a finger on your mouth, Kylo picked up his drink and took another chug. "We do not...speak of such _thing_ here." Narrowing his eyebrows, he leaned slightly closer. "Your lips are so soft?"

Chuckling, you grabbed onto his wrist and pushed his hand down. "Thanks, you're only on your first drink and you're already acting this way? Lightweight." You shook your head as you took another sip.

"No, I'm just keeping my word and trying not to be so dry with you." He stated, standing up from his leaning position, grabbing your wrist and pulling you with him. "Seeing as we only have limited time to be together, I thought I'd push my awkwardness and everything else that makes me a 'dick' and try to leave a decent impression on you _this_ time around."

Lightly smiling to yourself, you shook your head as you walked along-- _don't think about it, y/n, that's not cute whatsoever_. "You can try all you want, but you'll still be that Order bastard to me." You lied, or at least you knew you were but didn't want to believe it.

"Order bastard? Is that yet _another_ name for me? I thought we stuck to Ben." Kylo looked over his shoulder as the two of you then reached a half circle booth, Kylo sliding in as he tugged you with him.

"Not really, but that's what you're known as," You nodded with a shrug as Kylo sighed, letting go of your wrist as he placed his arms on the tables surface, " _big guy_." With a wink, you took another swig of your drink as Kylo smirked the slightest while looking away, eyeing all the people surrounding the area.

"I'd prefer you call me that than Ben..." He sighed.

"And I'd prefer you call me y/n rather than kid but we can't always get what we want, now, can we?" Arching an eyebrow, you raised your glass before chugging some more. 

"Fine," Looking back at you, Kylo leaned forward, "What would you like us to do after this, _y/n_?" Nearly gasping at the sound of him saying your name, your eyes diverted away from his own and over ahead of you as you took in a small breath, trying to keep your cool.

"I don't know, never really been to Coruscant before..." You stated as your hands now clutched tightly onto the glass.

"Good, because I know a few places we can walk to." He grinned as you looked back over at him, raising an eyebrow.

"You're a bit too friendly for my liking, Ben. We're supposed to be enemies, remember? I hate your guts you...partially hate mine?" You waved a hand as Kylo leaned back in his seat.

"Partially? I don't hate you at all...well, I'm supposed to seem like I do but seeing as I'm crushing on you and you clearly know I like you, what's the point?" He shrugged, crossing his arms behind his head as you sighed the slightest. He was right, there really was no point for him fake-hating you, but you needed that slight reassurance so you could live on with your life not liking the damn man. Oh, how the stars were _not_ in your favor this time around.

"None, there are no points whatsoever, my dear Ben..." Taking one last huge gulp of the drink, you nearly slammed the glass down as you rubbed the back of your hand against your mouth. "Let's go have fun." Grabbing his hand as you stood up, Kylo quickly chugged the last bit of his drink before you fully pulled him up and out of his seat.

As much as the club wasn't so bad, you preferred not to be surrounded by dozens of potential threats, especially those who would easily hand up a Resistance or First Order member for money. "Seeing as we're in the Entertainment District, there's a lot to do." Kylo stated as the both of you walked out of the club.

"Clearly..." You said, eyeing the world around you, everything being illuminated by lights. "Why don't we do everything?"

"Everything?!" Kylo nearly snapped as you crossed your arms. "I mean...if that's what you want." Giving him a smile, you walked off. "Of course that's what you want..."

And by everything, you _meant_ everything.

The two of you went bar hopping for a good two hours, then visited a few shops along with gaming areas and even attended a show not knowing it was a show until you two were kicked out for not having tickets. The entire time you two had been jumping from place to place, Kylo had never seen a person as happy as you were.

Sure, you had your good moments here and there with him, but the smile you wore and the laugh you let out were sincere and from the bottom of your heart and Kylo couldn't help but want to _puke_ at how much he had been falling in love with you. Although he said it was just a simple crush, he could never admit he loved you, he knew this was an unbalanced feeling and didn't want to make a fool out of himself--after all, why should the commander of the First Order feel such a beautiful sensation?

Rushing out of the theater as a pair of guards chased you and Kylo down, the two of you stood in the alleyway and took in deep breaths, standing hand-in-hand as you both couldn't help but laugh. "Never knew...you had it in you do such a thing."

"In my defense, I had no clue we had to buy tickets-"

"Ben, we clearly snuck in," You chuckled, "of course you must've known!"

"Well, it isn't like I go to plays everyday. Now _I_ should be the slightest of worried as to how _you_ were able to get us in..." Kylo's eyebrows furrowed.

"My curiosity got the best of me, I had no clue that was a show until we got the seats," You shrugged.

"You're pretty damn remarkable," Kylo stated with a smug look.

Smirking, you swatted a hand as if it were no big deal. "I know."

Smiling down at you, Kylo suddenly felt a wave of encouragement strike him in the moment, you standing there doe-eyed as you gazed up at him, he couldn't help but want to make a move. It was the perfect moment, or at least to him it was, no one was around in the dead area that was the alleyway to distract him...so why not take the opportunity?

Then there was you, you had found yourself gawking at the mans face all over again as if you hadn't gotten a good look at it before, mentally laughing at the exposed part of his scar that looked like a burn mark. Suddenly feeling your body shiver as your heart thumped in your chest, you could feel the heat build up, the friction between the two of you growing strong as Kylo inched closer and closer, you being oblivious for a moments worth before gulping.

Just as his lips were hovering above your own to the point you felt his breathing, and just as he was about to close the gap as your eyes fluttered, you instantly turned your face as your hand slid from his own. "I-I think we should go and see what else the lower levels have to offer..." Turning around as you left Kylo standing there, he felt his heart sank, embarrassment reddening his cheeks as he watched you walk away. Did he scare you off? Or did he make a move too soon? Kylo couldn't help but mentally beat himself up for being so dumb and making a rash decision.

"Y-yeah..." He stuttered, rubbing the back of his neck before walking over to you. _How could you be so foolish? Of course she would never kiss you back!_

Running into more bars, you and Kylo decided to skip out on the few as you two went window shopping rather than actually going into the stores. "Do you think that would be a smart buy?" You asked Kylo as the two of you stood there, Kylo's hands deep in the pockets of his pants as yours were in your back pockets. "Or do you think it's too much to put in my room?" Scrunching up your nose, Kylo chuckled.

"Why would you want a miniature replica of a speeder in your room that size?" He asked as you shrugged.

"I don't know, a sort of memorabilia of the best day off," You stated, causing Kylo's smile to fall as he blinked. "Like a souvenir, ya know? Something I can look at and remember that even though a war is raging on...you could still get along with the enemy and sneak out to visit them," You chuckled as Kylo's lips tugged into a small grin.

"I don't know, I don't think a speeder that size is worth it..." Kylo sighed. "Maybe something smaller to remember it all by?"

"Fine, lets look around," Grabbing his hand, you dragged him around from store to store.

You had done this for a good hour and had yet to find anything, deciding to go back to square one at the nightclub in hopes you could buy a bottle of whatever the hell Kylo had gotten you to drink. "That's what you want? You could easily get rid of that in a day."

Grabbing onto the bottle as you thanked the bartender, you turned to face him. "I'll still have the bottle at least, it's _something_..."

Letting out a breath, Kylo turned around. "Whatever you say, kid."

"Here we go with the kid crap again, ugh." Throwing a hand up as the other held the bottle, you followed Kylo out and over to the speeder.

"Hey, I call you kid out of the still poorly lit parts of my heart, appreciate it, alright?" Kylo nodded as you shook your head. "I'm being, as you say, _kind_."

"Good, you admit to it." Getting back into the speeder, you placed the bottle down as you looked over to Kylo. "It's nice to know you still have _some_ humanity in you." You smiled as Kylo faked a laugh.

"Haha...that's nice." Rolling his eyes, you only patted his leg.

"I'm being serious, this means something...the fact that we-- _enemies_ \--are getting along for once is nice. Appreciate I haven't given you any snarky remarks in a good half hour, okay?" Looking over at you, Kylo's eyebrow cocked up. " _Okay_?"

"Okay..." He smiled at you. "Thank you, I appreciate it."

"See! That wasn't so bad, big guy!" Feeling his heart flip in his chest at the nickname, he couldn't help but laugh the slightest--at least when you said big guy you meant that from _every_ lit part of your heart. "It's always nice to see you smiling, you should do it more, show of your dimples." Poking his cheek, Kylo couldn't help but smile more, although he swatted your hand away.

"Yeah, yeah...okay."  Starting the speeder, the two of you were off.

You were sure you had spent a good five hours with Kylo, realizing that back on D'Qar it must've already been midnight or so for how long you had been gone--no thanks to the different time zones the planets had. As much as you truly wanted to spend the rest of the evening with Kylo as you had more fun than you had in years, you knew you couldn't--you two had your own lives to deal with, plus, you weren't supposed to be getting any closer to Kylo...you were doing the exact _opposite_ of what you were meant to be doing.

"Thank you for today," You nodded as you leaned your back against the small spacecraft you came in, "I appreciated it."

"I'm glad you did," Kylo nodded back, "I'm also glad that you gave me the idea...without it, you'd be bored out of your mind annoying me." Kylo teased as you rolled your eyes, shoving him back. "Don't roll your eyes at me," Kylo swiped the tip of your nose with his finger as you chuckled.

"I do what I _want_ ," You grabbed onto his hand as you swiped the tip of _his_ nose, although you had to tiptoe some.

"The rebellious y/n is at her peak," Kylo lifted his hands up and waved them, causing you to laugh. "She does what she wants, and what she wants is to flick my nose back."

Sticking your tongue out, you laughed "Hush, you..."

Smiling down at you, Kylo took in a deep breath. "I guess I'll see you in the next battle..." He sighed, you looking up at him and slightly frowning. You hated how that's how your encounters with him went. "I don't want to hold you back any longer..." He stuck his hands into his pockets as you simply nodded. "Get back home safe, let me in once you do."

"Why? So you can annoy me?" You joked as Kylo shook his head with a small grin.

"No, so I know that you're okay." Feeling your heart sink at the sound of Kylo's voice softening, he bent down the slightest, lips brushing against your cheek and sending chills down your spine before he kissed the soft skin. "Your safety is all that matters to me."

Gulping as you kept your focus ahead, you felt your stomach doing somersaults as your body stiffened, cheeks heating up as you felt yourself becoming flustered. It was like Kylo's lips were made of fire and every time they had come to contact with your cheek, it burned.

Slowly about to stand back straight, your hands left your sides, gently holding onto the back of his neck as your head turned, lips pressing against his own as your eyes shut the moment the pair came into contact.

Being stunned was an understatement, Kylo thought that after what happened earlier, he'd have to wait months--if not, _years_ \--for his chance to get a kiss from you...not hours later. Feeling the butterflies in his stomach swarm around, Kylo's eyes slowly shut, taking in the small moment as he knew he wasn't going to get this ever again.

Leaning back, you turned around without a word, rather quickly climbing into the 'stolen' spaceship as Kylo stood there in complete satisfaction, fingers brushing against his lips as he could feel the euphoria still linger in the taste your lips left behind.

Watching you fly off, Kylo took in a deep breath before turning back around to walk to the speeder. He had only hoped that he'd see you again sooner, except not in a war zone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oKAY BUT LIKE READER LITERALLY D I P P E D AFTER KISSING HIM AND IM P SURE I'D DO THE SAME IF I EVER KISSED KYLO REN


	6. Bottom of My Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I did it from the bottom of my heart."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *you can also find me on tumblr as the username 'kyloholic'*

_Which is worse: the anticipation of returning to home base where Rey, Finn and Poe could be waiting to chew me out...or, the fact that I kissed-and-dashed Kylo Ren? The latter seems far more deadly...the latter it is_. Letting out a deep sigh, you leaned back in the pilots seat of the one-maned spacecraft, feeling your heart still racing against your chest. It had been a good twenty minutes since you had left--well, ran away from--Kylo, and yet, your heart was still pounding. _This isn't how it's supposed to be._

Crossing your arms as you slowly sunk into the seat, you mentally scolded yourself for making such a drastic move--sure, Kylo was about to make it earlier, but you instantly dipped the moment he got extremely close--but why the sudden impulse move? Rubbing your forehead, you had hoped and prayed to Maker that your barriers were strong enough for you not to subconsciously let Kylo in, at this point, you were going to full on avoid him if you couldn't stick to hating him. "Stupid stupid stupid!"

Dumping the civilian clothes into a garbage chute, Kylo slid his helmet on moments before he made his way to the Command Shuttle. Lucky for him, he had the authority to tell the crew to that this mission would last longer and that they should stay put, although it was all a flat out lie. As much as he felt the slightest of bad for making his men wait over five hours on a boring shuttle, at least none of them were aware of his true whereabouts.

After boarding the shuttle, Kylo found himself standing there, hearing nothing but his heart beating heavily in his chest--never had he felt such a sensation before unless it was pure anxiety or fear--not by a single kiss. It made his stomach turn, his heart throb, and his breath hitch at the thought and feeling of the kiss; somehow, your lips still lingered against his own and he couldn't help but constantly touch them his entire trip back to the Command Shuttle.

Entering D'Qar's atmosphere, you felt a sudden wave of anticipation hit you, you weren't ready to be questioned...what would you even say? _Oh, yeah, I snuck off to Coruscant to visit the enemy because he has a big crush on me and I'm sure I have a big crush on him too but I'm hard headed and will continue to push the fact away, but, hey! I kissed the man! And after that, I darted because I was afraid! Me! Afraid!_

Dropping your head as your hands slid down the panel after landing, you sighed, this wasn't going to be easy to approach.

Climbing down the ladder and taking in small breaths, you hopped off the last bar before slowly turning around, thankful to see not a single soul approach you. "Phew..." Wiping the small sweat that dripped from your forehead, you held tightly onto the Coruscant liquor, ready to hide it under your jacket, that is until you realized you didn't have your jacket it. "Aw, fuck me..."

Throwing your head back, you remembered you left it on the speeder Kylo took, only to make you realize more--Kylo must've noticed and kept it. The last thing you needed was someone in the First Order finding out their commander had a jacket from the captain of the Resistance. Leaning your forehead against the ship, you let out a huff, things weren't going in your favor at the moment.

Holding onto his cowl that was crumbled up rather than neatly folded, Kylo's grip tightened as he looked down at it, the ranking badge appearing through a crack from the small opening, there was no way in the galaxy Kylo was going to allow anyone to notice the Resistance jacket. The moment he realized you had left it behind was far too late; he couldn't possibly just leave the evidence behind nor casually carry it around, so he had to do something. "Commander sir, we shall be reaching the Finalizer in 5."

Lightly gulping as he looked away from the cowl, he turned his head to the officer and nodded his head. Before anything, he was going to have to hide the jacket well enough.

"Where the hell have you been?!" Rey exclaimed as she had caught you mid walk back to your living quarters.

"What do you mean? I was here all along," You chuckled, quickening up your speed so she wouldn't see the bottle in your hold.

"No, you weren't, I couldn't find you anywhere! You had me worried..." Hearing her pace quicken, you took in a deep breath.

"Uh, I don't know where you looked, seeing as this is a pretty big planet...since I had the day off, I didn't want to stay cooped up in my room, so I roamed around." You lied straight through your teeth with a shrug as Rey arched an eyebrow.

"Until midnight?" She questioned as you nodded reaching your living quarters and quickly blocking the door way as you had entered, hiding the alcoholic beverage behind the door itself.

"Mhm, I mean, we came back around sunrise here and I needed sleep so..." You trailed as Rey crossed her arms. "Give me a break, I'm trying to enjoy time off-"

"By sneaking around?" Nearly gasping, you knew for a fact she had no clue about your whereabouts with Kylo...or at least you presumed.

"Yes, if you call running around the woods sneaking off...then so be it," Shrugging, Rey let out a sigh. Out of all people in the entire base, you were (by far) the hardest for her to read...probably why she was so persistent to get into your head, she could never tell when you were lying. Which gave you an advantage at the moment. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have resorted to staying in my room for the rest of the evening as I go back to work tomorrow morning." Giving Rey a smile, you closed the door.

Leaning your back against it, you let out a puff of air, thankful for your capability to lie so well without breaking a sweat or a simple stutter. _Close one._

Lifting up the bottle, you gently shook the liquid content before popping the top open and taking in a giant chug--it wasn't like you were going to share that bad boy with anyone else. Moving over to your bed as you kicked off your shoes, loosened up your hair and lied back in bed, you found yourself sprawled out and staring at the ceiling resorting back to your thoughts of Kylo.

How long were you going to be able to keep him out for? It was only the beginning and you could already feel yourself subconsciously wanting to let him in even if he hadn't asked to. "Why me?"

You didn't know how to feel, it had been ages since you had liked someone--nonetheless--fallen for someone _hard_. You couldn't quite recall the time you had actually _loved_ someone unless it was family or close friends, but the affect Kylo had on you was irritating. He was your enemy and you hated how you had to constantly remind yourself that every second you thought he was cute or adorable when he was trying or even the moments when you found yourself in a helpless gaze.

You absolutely hated how he made you feel. The person you were was too busy for a silly love affair, too caught up in a war to be falling for the wrong person, too unstable to even want to share such intimacy with somebody else. Yet, there was Kylo, the man you never thought to be of your dreams, doing nothing but giving you his adoration (even if he didn't know how) and somehow it made you weak.

How? He was dull, lifeless, and had not a single funny bone in his body. He was evil, intimidating, and flat out frightening...but when it came to you, he was nothing but oblivious. He wasn't that scary man that everyone feared, rather, a man feeling things he hadn't truly ever felt before and was trying his best to understand them. 

And you absolutely hated how much he was trying, because it was giving you _more_ of a reason to like him.

"Stupid Kylo Ren and his stupid pretty hair, stupid height that makes me shiver, stupid face that is exceedingly gorgeous and stupid...stupid, _stupid_ personality that is so bland yet so fucking interesting!" Placing the hand holding the bottle against your forehead, you took another swig before sighing. "I'm ignoring him. That's final."

Folding up the leather jacket ever so neatly, Kylo lifted up the unused pillow on the right side of his bed and hid it under--hiding in plain sight was always the best method--if anyone were to look for an article of clothing, they'd go straight for the drawers or closet, not the bed.

Walking over to his shower and peeling off the dozen of layers he typically wore, he allowed the warm water to pour down on him, hair dripping and sticking to his face as he leaned a hand against the tile wall; nothing but you and your entire being were at the center of his thoughts. The second he'd try thinking about the one hundred and one things he had to do for the Order, you somehow snaked your way through and he couldn't comprehend the concept of why it is you were all he thought about.

Sure, you did _just_ kiss him not too long ago after he embarrassingly tried kissing you, but that didn't seem sufficient to be a good reason. There was the obvious fact that he had fallen insanely hard for you, but that wasn't fully it either. Then he thought back to the whole Bocce conversation, the fact that you had been reading and understanding a completely foreign language without even knowing it.

Balling up his fist, he shook his head as he had came to a conclusion. He had prayed to the stars that _that_ wasn't it. The last thing he needed was for you to be in harms way without even trying to be.

. . .

Letting out a yawn, you sat up and realized that you had fallen asleep in the clothes you had worn the day before, you must've knocked out without realizing it as you instantly felt your head throbbing. What had you done to cause such irritation? Looking over to the side of your bed your back was facing, you groaned. "Aw, no way!" You frowned, seeing half to the Coruscant liquor was gone. "That was supposed to last me for at least a few months!"

Standing up and grabbing the bottle, you walked into your closet and hid it on the shelf, the last thing you needed was to be drunk or to drink it all at once. "Why does it have to be so tasty?" Groaning, you cursed Kylo for giving you some at the club.

Speaking of which, Kylo wasn't there for you this morning, waiting at the barrier. "It's working..." You smiled to yourself. Maybe you had enough in you to actually keep him out for good now, although a piece of you still craved his attention. "No, no Kylo. You can go a day... _weeks_ without Kylo."

And that's _exactly_ what you did.

It had been a good month since the kissing incident and since you had last heard from Kylo. Here and there you felt slight tugs but you were strong enough to push them away and ignore them. Lately, you had been extremely busy dealing matters outside of the First Order, which only felt great because that meant less of Kylo being on your mind.

But you couldn't full prevent him from attacking your thoughts because here and there, you'd think about the kiss, or you'd even go for the bottle of liquor and stop yourself because you thought of that day. You just wanted to continue the streak in hopes you'd rid him for good, but you knew that wasn't going to happen, especially in this time of war.

"Captain, we've gotten word from the government of Corellia," One of the under ranked officers approached you.

"Corellia? The Corellian people haven't approached anyone from the New Republic in so long, not after their affiliation with the Galactic Empire..." You stated with narrowed eyebrows. "What is it that they've asked for?"

Taking in a deep breath, the officer handed you over a data pad. "They didn't entirely ask for something...it seems as if they are trying their best to stay out of this war that is raging on and apparently the First Order have been plotting movements on Corellia since they have mass amounts of weaponry and starships that could help the Order drastically."

Sighing, you scrolled through the data pad, reading up on the messages they had reviewed from the Corellian government. "And what do they wish of us?"

"They would like to discuss the matter. General Organa has approached me to issue this mission onto you seeing as you are fit for the role, she also assigned Rey and Finn to take part if anything goes wrong." Nodding your head, the man continued. "You three shall be taking the Millennium Falcon seeing as there is no other suitable ship to visit Corellia with."

Taking in a deep breath, you nodded before placing the data pad under your arm. "That's agreeable. Has the General informed you as to when said meeting will happen?"

"All is on the data pad, captain. If there are any further questions, General Organa insists you approach her with such matters." Bowing to you, the man saluted.

Bowing your head back, you gave him a small smile. "Thank you, officer." Turning on your heel, you looked back at the pad and skimmed through the information. "I guess we're back to business with the Order."

Reviewing the mission alongside Rey and Finn, you had packed all the necessities for the trip along with changing into your on-mission attire (which was quite like any other outfit you wore, just a different long-sleeved shirt) and since you didn't have your jacket, you had to wear a vest instead.

"A vest? Since when do you wear a vest?" Rey asked as you two had boarded the Falcon, loading in everything after Rey and Finn had done their last check ups with the ship.

"On occasion, I like to change it up a bit," You lied with a nod, fixing the sleeves of the white tunic you had been wearing. Rey was right, you never wore a vest unless you had somehow lost your jacket--which never happened as you _really_ loved your jacket--so you knew you were in for a ride.

"Change it up? You never give up that jacket, you always wear it on missions..." Rey crossed her arms as she arched a brow at you. "Did you lose it again?"

"Somewhat...it's probably in my room somewhere, must've misplaced it," You waved a hand as Rey slowly nodded. "Anyways, it doesn't matter, I still have this at least!" You patted the vest as Rey and Finn exchanged looks before taking the pilot and co-pilot seats.

"What ever you say, y/n..." She raised her hands up in defense as she manned the panel.

Letting out a small sigh, you decided to walk over to the Dejarik table, in hopes that at least for the ride to Corellia you could distract yourself a bit...although the game was a two man game. Sighing, you leaned your forehead against the table at the realization, maybe you could at least read for the time being? Something to distract you...

That is if you had actually brought a book on board. "Are you kidding me?" Looking through your bag of things, you found absolutely nothing to mess around with. "Where's Chewie when you need him."

Plopping onto the couch, you sighed, you definitely weren't going to succumb to talking to Kylo--especially after a month of being Kylo-free. _Nope, no I am not._

Crossing your arms as you sat there, you let out a huff. "This is going to be a long ride..."

. . .

"This is Corellia?" Finn asked as Rey nodded. "Wow, it's...not so bad."

Patting his back, Rey chuckled. "I've come here a few times for spare parts, seeing as the Falcon is Corellian made. Corellia isn't so bad, lots of greenery and water, kinda like D'Qar but with more jungle and mountains..."

"Corellia is a nice place to visit, especially with all the oceans they have," You wiggled your eyebrows as you swung your bag over your shoulder. "The beaches are quite beautiful, I came here once when I was younger."

"Beaches?" Finn asked. "I've never really seen a beach before."

"Then I guess we have to show you," You winked before the three of you walked on.

Being greeted by a few of Corellias representatives, you were taken to where shown the room you three would be staying for the day, then where the meeting would be held, greeting many of the planets government workers. You were the slightest of surprised that Leia had sent you here instead of herself, especially with Finn and Rey, seeing as you all looked like children compared to everyone else.

"The First Order would like to discuss trading with us, they want our weaponry and ships...as if they do not have enough."

"It could be a good opportunity, money wise, but we do not want to be involved in this war."

"Corellia is trying its best to be a peaceful place, we would not like to be dragged into this mess again."

"But think about the economy, it could skyrocket if we do business with the First Order!"

Looking back and forth as the people spoke, a small sigh left your lips as you looked up to Rey and Finn as they stood behind you, giving you small shrugs. Out of the entire meeting, you had only spoken once where as everyone else was debating on whether or not to do business with the First Order. You were starting to wonder as to why they even bothered to get the Resistance involved when they didn't even bother to include you in the conversation.

"I believe this needs to be thought through clearly, and in a couple of hours, we come back and discuss it." You stated as the group looked at you.

"The Resistance captain is right, we shall think this through, maybe then we shall have clear minds." One of the men spoke. "Let us meet in two hours, give us all time to think it clearly and come up with a stable and agreeable decision." Nodding his head, everyone stood up.

"Unbelievable," You sighed, rubbing your forehead, "I'm getting a migraine from all of this...and I didn't even do anything!" Pushing back the chair, you stood up.

"Makes me wonder as to why you were even brought into this," Finn asked as the three of you walked out.

"I think they should just say no and leave it at that, they won't have to worry about the war. The First Order is nothing but trouble-"

"Wait a second," Rey lifted up a hand, "I don't think it's that easy..." She said as she stopped mid-walk.

"And why is that?" You questioned, looking at her.

"Because, apparently they invited a First Order representative to discuss the matter as well." Furrowing your eyebrow, you looked in the direction she was looking in.  "This isn't good."

"What? What is it?" Finn asked as he took a step closer. "What's going on?"

"I can't believe this...out of all people to represent such a small matter, why would they pick _him_?" She narrowed her eyes as she kept her focus in the direction, you and Finn looking at each other confused.

"Rey, you're killing us here, who is it? Who's representing the Order?" You eagerly asked as she turned around, giving you two concerning looks.

"The commander."

Blinking, your eyes widened. "The...the commander?" You questioned. "The commander, the-"

"Yes, the commander, the man that kidnapped you," Finn rolled his eyes. "Why him? Doesn't he have like...people to scare?"

"Maybe that's why..." Rey spoke up. "He's probably going to threaten them into saying yes to a treaty. This is outrageous, they just can't have a Resistance officer and an Order officer in the same room! That's dangerous, who knows what could happen!"

"Especially when the man could make a move on all three of us in any given second...you for screwing up his face, me for going rogue, and y/n for escaping!" Finn lowly exclaimed as you took in a deep breath.

"Either way, we have two hours. This gives you two hours to see some of Corellia as I come up with something and speak to the general," You stated.

"You want us to be tourists? Y/n, for all we know he could kid-"

"Don't worry about that, he won't be so stupid to do that here. Just go, show Finn around, I'll be safe in the room they allowed us to stay in for the afternoon." Nodding your head, Finn and Rey looked at each other, making you sigh. "As your captain-"

"Fine, fine..."

"We'll go..."

"We'll be back in an hour!" Rey pointed a finger as you nodded before watching them walk off.

Sucking in a breath, you placed your hands on your hips before turning around and walking off. "Ho boy..."

Pacing in the room as you had tried coming up with dozens upon dozens of scenarios to avoid Kylo in some aspect, you slowly found yourself giving up. It was too late now to avoid the man seeing as you would _have_ to see him in two hours, but that wasn't what you were afraid of, what you were afraid of was confrontation. What if he approached you and asked as to why you have been avoiding him?

Shaking your hands as you took in deep breaths, you mentally prepared yourself. "Alright, alright, it's no big deal...none whatsoever, you have _every_ right to ignore the bastard. Except you don't because you kissed him!" Rubbing your face, you grunted. "I'm fucking screwed." Storming out the patio door as you didn't want to run into him in the halls--that's if he was there--you decided to look around the surrounding area in a way to ease your mind.

Although it wasn't the smartest idea to go wondering off in the back areas of the building alone, you succumbed to rather being chased down by a bounty hunter than run into Kylo. "I'm a good distance away...okay...maybe I can think with a clear mind now..." You tried convincing yourself, walking through the small greenery.

Walking through the fields of flower, you weren't sure how far off you went or what time it was, but you were sure there was no way in hell Kylo would run into you out here. Although the building was still in your line of vision, you were positive Kylo wouldn't be the kind to just decide on taking a walk and running into you out here.

That is, of course, you weren't aware of Kylo having that in him.

"This is absolutely pointless!" You shouted into the air. "I am running away from a man...a damn man! This isn't like you!" Shaking your head, you turned back around. "Who cares if you avoided him for a month, who cares if you kissed him and ran away! Who cares if he's the scariest man in the galaxy and could tear you in half with his lightsaber! Who cares!"

Coming to a complete stop as you were making your way back, you felt the sudden pull you hadn't felt in days. Gulping, you shook your head as you shut your eyes for a moment, you were not going to let him in.

Gritting your teeth and clenching your fists, you stormed back to the building, only to feel the tugging grow stronger and stronger with each step you took. "Unbelievable...I can't just tell this man to leave me alone or he'll ask why and I am really not up for that." 

Locking yourself up in the room, you looked at the time to see you wasted only half an hour walking to and from, causing yourself to groan. _Maybe I should contact the general..._

And that you did.

"So you're telling me I should stay? What if he tries something?" You spoke into the holo-pad.

_"He wouldn't, he's smart enough not to, this is a negotiation...you have to convince them otherwise."_

"This is a lot of pressure, especially for a young woman who was kidnapped by this man!"

_"You can do this, captain, you are the most reliable and respected officers on the Resistance...I have faith in you."_

Sighing, you rubbed your face. "Thank you, general."

Nodding her head, she gave you a warm smile. _"May the Force be with you."_ Watching the hologram shut off, you stood there.

"I'm gonna need it."

. . .

Pacing in front of the door as the anticipation ate you alive, Rey and Finn stood alongside you as Finn went on about how much he loved the planet--at least _he_ was doing fine. "Y/n, what's up with you? Why do you keep pacing?"

"Huh?" Stopping mid pace, you looked at Rey. "Oh...the pressures on me to convince the Corellian government not to take the offer..."

"Is that what the general said?" Finn asked as you nodded.

"As you two were enjoying the view, I was enjoying my anxiety," You gave the two thumbs up. "Let's just...lets just get this over with, shall we?" You gave them a forced smile before the two nodded, opening the doors as you followed behind. You'd be lying if you said your heart didn't stop for a moment at the noticeable change in ambience from Kylo's presence in the room. It was as if you could _feel_ it.

You felt so out of place taking your seat, trying your damnedest to ignore the man as he sat there, even in your peripheral view you could feel his eyes on you. _He must be mad, why wouldn't he be?_

"Let us resume this meeting, welcoming the commander of the First Order, Kylo Ren." Lightly gulping, Rey noticed the tension as you grew stiff in your seat.

"We could always move this to another time," She whispered to you as you shook your head. "What ever you say, captain."

Taking in a deep breath, you were more worried Rey would take this as a chance to kick Kylo's ass a second time around, this time for kidnapping you. "I hate this..." You mumbled to her as she nodded. It felt like you were pulling teeth with how slow the meeting had gone.

As the discussion grew deeper and Kylo started adding his voice into the mix, you suddenly found yourself retorting every single statement he had to say and each and every time you had, you could only feel the tension grow thicker and thicker that you were sure _everyone_ had felt it. "It would bring your economy to its peak, the trading between the Corellian people and the First Order-"

"It would bring your people at war, there are civilians out there that I am positive would not want their government doing business with men such as the First Order."

"We are not asking for the people to fight, we are asking for-"

"More so you could win the war, and by more you will be enlisting some of the children here to train as your minions. The people of Corellia do not deserve this, they deserve peace and harmony as should any other planet in this galaxy. But sadly, we all can't have that as there are those risking _everything_ trying to protect what's good out there."

"The committee will discuss our final decision within our own people, commander Ren, captain y/l/n, you are excused until further notice." Bowing your head, you swiftly stood up and rushed out as Rey and Finn followed you, you feeling Kylo's eyes on you the entire time.

"This is bullshit, he was not capable of representing the First Order, he had no clue what he was saying!" You threw your hands up as you paced the hallway. "Why didn't they bring that general of theirs instead? Maybe then he would've been more convincing."

"Y/n, shouldn't you be happy that what he said sounded pretty...pathetic? I mean, I'm sure the committee will realize the Order's true intentions..." Rey added, only to make you stop in your tracks as you realized she was right.

The entire meeting Kylo didn't even seem like he was trying to convince the people, it was as if he were saying anything to get you to oppose him and say something better. _That son of a bitch, even after ignoring him for a month he still has the will to help me_. "I can't believe this..."

"What?" Rey asked as her eyebrows knitted, watching you rub your face.

"He wasn't even trying!" You exclaimed. "He didn't even say anything worthy!"

"Yeah...I know, and?" Rey crossed her arms.

"This means they'll listen to us!" You smiled. "Oh man, and I was freaking the hell out in there... _phew_.."

Exchanging looks, Rey and Finn turned their attention towards you. "What are you trying to say?" Finn asked.

About to speak up, you had to hold back the truth. "The commander clearly had no idea what he was doing, so it makes me wonder as to why it was even him they chose to represent, maybe they didn't really want business with Corellia...maybe it was a war tactic to scare us in a sense?" You made up a lie that only made Finn and Rey think. "They're so dumb, they'd do anything to frighten the Resistance." Waving a hand, you walked off.

"Captain y/l/n?" A woman called out to you from the committee. "A decision as been made." Nodding your head, you followed her back into the room. "The people of Corellia have decided not to take the First Orders offer." Clapping, you nearly pulled the lady into a hug before apologizing. "Thank you for your time, commander Ren, captain y/l/n," The woman bowed as everyone was excused.

"Oh, thank the stars that's over!" You laughed, looking over at Rey and Finn. "You two can continue your exploring, I think it's a fair exchange for having you two here with him." Giving the them a smile, the two nodded.

"You sure you'll be fine?" Finn whispered to you as he noticed Kylo was still in the room with a pair of stormtroopers. "With him here?"

"Yes, I'll be in the building," You bowed your head, the two nodding once again before walking out. Looking over at Kylo, you took in a deep breath before exiting the room--you knew he did this for you, you just wanted to know _why_.

Making your way back to the room and contacting the general, you were relieved at how well things had turned out, although you had done nothing but give counter attacks, it still was sufficient and Leia was proud to say the least. Giving her your thanks for the small praise, you saluted before signing off, sighing as you stood there, a grin on your lips. A part of you was joyful because you were able to successfully complete the mission...but another part of you was happy because of what Kylo had done for you.

Twitching an eye, your fists balled up, "Dammit!" Looking up to the ceiling as you took in a heavy breath, you frowned, "Why is he still trying?" Looking back ahead, you caught sight of the man walking along the back area of the building, towards the garden. Tilting your head at the view through the patio doors, you had found yourself walking over. "I guess a thank you will suffice..." Feeling your head drop as you let out a puff of air, you held onto the door knob and twisted it, gently pushing the door open.

The second your foot stepped onto the patio, you regretted it--your heart was pounding roughly against your chest as your hands began to sweat--after a month of avoiding him you felt as if your affection towards the man only grew _stronger_  rather than diminish. Gulping and pushing your fears to aside, you held your head high and walked over to him. As much as you should've been suspicious as to _why_ he was walking alone, it didn't stop you from following him.

Trying to catch up with him as you took quick--yet light--steps, you were amazed how he had yet sensed you. Even if you were controlling your breathing, it still didn't stop the sound of your rapidly thudding heart. And just like that, as if he had heard your thoughts, he stopped in his tracks, head turning to look over his shoulder as his cowl shifted with it. 

Slowing your pace and coming to a complete stop, you gulped before speaking up. "I came to... thank you..." Looking down at the concrete ground rather than the man himself, Kylo shifted his whole body to face you. "For what happened back there..."

Eyeing you, Kylo took in a small breath as he felt his heart skip a beat. It had been a month since he had heard your voice, a month since he had spoken to you and he had blamed himself for the newfound space between the two of you. He was afraid he was the reason why you hadn't spoken to him or allowed him in the way you normally-- _subconsciously_ \--had. He had feared that what had happened on Coruscant forced a barrier between the two of you and he had found himself giving you space, even if a part of him desired to hear you speak or longed to just feel your presence. "There is no need to thank me, you were more convincible."

Blinking, you looked up, realizing he was now looking at you. "Of course there is, I'm not that oblivious, you did help me out-"

"I did what I had to do, and what I had to do was convince the Corellian government to work alongside the First Order and I failed, _Captain_." Nearly gasping at the formal title, your eyebrows knitted. "You, on the other hand, succeeded."

"I-"

"If you will excuse me, I have to return to my shuttle," Turning on his heel, you instantly took a few steps forward.

"Wait!" Seeing him stop, you walked even closer. "I-I know you did all of that just to get a rise out of me so I could sound more appealing to the matter...I know you did it to help me. But I don't understand as to why?" Looking down at your hands as your fingers interconnected, Kylo looked over his shoulder. "...I haven't spoken to you in a month-"

"I'm well aware of that." He coldly stated, causing your shoulders to drop, you could only feel the guilt wash over you. "It was bound to happen. Seeing as what were doing was dishonorable, I've come to the-"

"And I'm sorry..." You slowly looked up as Kylo felt a lump form in his throat.

You were sorry? Kylo couldn't help but question as to why _you_ were apologizing? Wasn't he at fault? Even if you _did_ kiss him and suddenly rushed off, it didn't feel like enough to put the blame on you, he felt as if he had _somehow_ pressured you into making the move.

"I shouldn't have kissed you, it was out of line and-and reckless...and I realized that it was wrong of me to do." You nodded your head as Kylo's body stiffened. "Especially when I-" Cutting yourself off, you didn't have the heart to lie to him and say you didn't like him the way he liked you, even if you _still_ were trying to convince yourself you didn't. "Thank you, again..." Turning around and wanting to rush off, Kylo only grabbed onto your upper arm.

"Stop thanking me." Slowly looking up at him, you hadn't realized you had tears forming; were you really _that_ worked up? "I did it from the bottom of my heart." Feeling you heart sink, pooling around your feet, your eyebrows knitted. "I had convinced the supreme leader I go instead of the general as I was more _fit_ for the position, when in reality, I did it because I wanted to see you." Growing wide eyed, your mouth fell open as if you wanted to release a gasp. "I thought I'd give you your distance, being respectful...but I've come to realize it's hard to do so when I-" Cutting himself off, his grip around your arm loosened the slightest as you turned to fully face him. "Take this," Pulling out something you looked down.

"A holo-pad?" You questioned.

"If you wish I no longer enter your thoughts, I feel as if this is much more...respectable to communicate through. That is if you are still willing to talk to me." He stated as you looked down at his hand. "I would like to be...friends at least..." At the sudden skip of your heart beat, you swallowed hard as you looked up at him.

"Why?" Kylo's hand fully slid from your arm.

"I rather have your full trust and respect than not have it at all." Gulping, you mentally cursed at yourself, you couldn't comprehend as to why Kylo Ren-- _the_ Kylo Ren--was being so honorable. It was almost pathetic. Yet, you found yourself appreciating the kind gesture. "That is why I found the holo-pad much more sufficient than invading your privacy." Looking back down at the holo-pad, you slowly took it out of his hold as your mind raced.

Watching him remove his helmet, you frantically looked around in hopes no one had been watching, ready to tell him off until you felt his gloved hand hold onto your chin as he leaned down. Feeling your breath hitch, you weren't sure what to do as you found yourself completely paralyzed. _He just said to be friends! Why is he making such a quick move?!_ Shutting your eyes, the pressure of his soft lips against your forehead made your skin tingle, sucking in a breath before he moved back. 

Looking up at him as a silence fell between the two of you, the sound of your heart thumping echoed in your ears as you couldn't seem to shift your focus away from Kylo's eyes. You were almost mesmerized and couldn't seem to understand why you felt the sudden fascination of his dull colored orbs.

Placing his helmet back, you stood there, frozen in your spot as he turned around and walked off. "Stay safe, kid."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some good shit is about to happen in the next chapter, get ready


	7. Drop It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Well, you have no right to know so drop it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *You can also find me on tumblr under the username 'kyloholic'*

There was something about the still atmosphere that made you feel so at ease. Most of the time, staying locked up in your living quarters wasn't something you'd normally do, seeing as staying alone with your own mind was toxic...but now that you had something less harmful than bringing yourself down, you couldn't help but want to be in your room all day if that meant talking to Kylo. _So this is what I've succumbed to?_ You still were persistent on keeping the feelings for him to a minimum, or at least on the down low as you didn't want to give it too much attention, but with how lighthearted these small conversations made you feel, it was difficult not to pay them any mind. "As the captain of the Resistance, how is it possible that you have free time?" Kylo curiously asked as the hologram lit up in front of you in its blue glory.

Lying on your side on the bed as your head was propped up on your hand, your fingers danced along the cotton material of your sheets as the ambience grew glum around you. "I have the day off..." You stated without looking at the holo-pad.

Removing his lightsaber and placing it to a side as he removed his belt, Kylo could feel the sudden shift in your tone, looking over at the holo-pad and seeing your monotonous expression. "You're upset." He blatantly stated as you took in a deep breath and shook your head.

"No," Giving him a halfhearted smile, Kylo's head tiled the slightest. "I'm fine..."

"Your tone says otherwise. You're in distress." _Again with the straight-forward responses._

Letting out a small huff, you looked over at him. "It's scary how well you can read me when not even my best friends can..." Turning on your back, you lied there as you stared at the ceiling. "I've known you for over a month, yet you can read me like a book...I don't like it."

Looking down, Kylo took a seat in front of the holo-pad. "I'm sorry."

Smiling the slightest, you rubbed your eyes, "Don't apologize. It just...irks me, knowing the enemy can read me well, what if you knew my true intentions?"

"If I did, I wouldn't do anything about it. I don't feel the need to harm you, even if we're at war." Letting out a puff of air, you shut your eyes. You hated how sincere and honest he had become. "And your true intentions have no affect on me, because you have no desire to hurt me, either."

Opening up your eyes, you knew he was right. "How can you read me so well? Not even Rey can..."

Hunching his back as Kylo rested his forearms on his knees, he felt a small smile tug at his lips. "I guess I care about you that much...not that your friends don't, it's just-" Cutting himself off, you turned your head to look at him.

"It's just what?" You questioned, seeing as how Kylo's head had dropped the slightest, hair blocking his vision.

"Why are you upset?" Rolling your eyes, you felt your jaw tighten.

"Why do you do that?" Looking back up at the ceiling, Kylo's head lifted.

"Do what?"

"Do _that_? Cut yourself off and change the subject? You did it on Endor and on Corellia...you can't leave someone hanging like that, it's ill-mannered." Blinking, Kylo shook his head, as much as he could read you well he still couldn't fully understand you. At one moment you were kind, then the next, you were dry and irritated.

"It's of no importance." He nearly mumbled, causing you to sigh. Of course he was going to respond like that, talking to him was like talking to a brick wall...that you enjoyed conversing with.

Sitting in a comforting silence, you lightly swallowed before speaking, not bothering to look at him as the tasteless ceiling was far more interesting. "It's my parent's death anniversary if you must know."

Feeling his eyes gradually widen, a sudden wave of grief washed over Kylo, too much for his own taste as if he had been feeling your own as well.

"Today marks one year since I lost them." You continued as Kylo's body stiffened, "For once, the general didn't insist I take a day off...instead, she urged I not, seeing as it was best I keep myself occupied during such day of grieving. But I couldn't find it in my heart to do such thing." Seeing your vision blur, you took in a deep breath. "I rather be alone."

Unsure of what to say, Kylo's mind was set on the feeling inside of him that wasn't his own, the sensation of heartbreak and suffering--it was almost overbearing to the point he couldn't focus on you. Had your emotions reflected onto him? And if they had, how did you not look like you were in such pain?

Sure, he could tell you were upset, but that's what was on the surface and with your attitude you could've been upset about anything...not devastated like you were trying to hide. "The dead silence...don't get all weird, you wanted to kn-"

"Can I see you?" Kylo nearly blurted out as your eyes grew wide, slowly turning your head over to the holo-pad.

Not knowing how to respond, you turned your head back ahead, then over to the nightstand where the photo of your parents stood alongside a jar filled with flowers. You wanted to say yes, to go anywhere he wanted to, but there was an anchor holding you down and you couldn't find the will to get off of the bed and risk the chance of being caught again.

But you wanted to see him, you wanted some sort of comfort.

 _How selfish of you, all your friends are willingly giving up their day to be by your side b_ _ut_ _you refused, yet here you are...walking into the adversaries embrace as if there was no one else here for you._ Letting out a sigh, you wiped the tears from your eyes. "Will you take me to Endor?" You asked, looking back at the ceiling.

Nodding his head, Kylo spoke up. "Anywhere."

Smiling to yourself, you sat up; you were willing to risk it all a second time around if it meant you were going to see Kylo face to face again.

. . .

Climbing down the ladder of the same spacecraft you had 'borrowed' that day you visited Coruscant, you held tightly onto the sleeves of your jumper as you walked over to where Kylo had been standing. It was a terrible feeling seeing the man dressed in civilian clothing--well, he looked more of a smuggler than anything--you couldn't help but find it _cute_ that he would go out of his way to look semi normal for you.

Taking in a deep breath, the sound of grass crunching underneath your boots caused Kylo to turn around, hand hidden behind his back as he watched you walk over. Feeling a minuscule smile grow on his lips as he saw you, he only felt it drop as he could see the redness around your eyes from irritation, the wave of anguish resurfacing as he could feel it in his chest.

Looking down at the ground beneath you, Kylo took a step forward as you had grown closer. He wanted to say something, but no words could slip off of his tongue, he had no clue what to even say. How was he supposed to? For the past half decade or so, all he ever felt was anger and pain...not sorrow for someone else he had grown to _care_ for. "Here."

Shifting your eyes up as you had come to a complete stop, the first thing in your line of vision was a flower. It wasn't the prettiest flower nor was it the liveliest, but it still was a flower and it was the gesture that counted--Kylo giving you something with sentimental value. Feeling the heat suddenly rise up to your cheeks as you felt your body grow tense, you fought a smile from showing. "You got me...a flower?" You questioned. _Are you fucking kidding me, you're supposed to be evil. Be evil!_ _Evil men don't give mourning women flowers!_

Seeing him nod his head, you smirked the slightest, grabbing onto it and flicking his forehead. "Dweeb." Walking past him, Kylo's eyebrows knitted, was that _really_ your thank you? Weren't you supposed to be sad? Not flicking his forehead with a mischievous grin? _I'll never understand her_. "Are you coming?" You turned around as you nudged your head, Kylo instantly nodding as he followed after.

 _Why is he this way? Why is he so...soft towards me? I know he likes me but that shouldn't give him an excuse to act such way when he's always so upset and angry._ Getting lost in your own thoughts as you lead the way, Kylo found himself looking at you here and there, subconsciously making sure you were alright, and as much as he swore you hadn't noticed--you _had_.

 _There he goes again, looking at me, why does he care so much? This isn't supposed to happen this way, shouldn't I be the more sweet one? Shouldn't I be the one with the bigger heart?_ Letting out a small huff, your eyes landed on the group of deteriorating huts, a sudden pang being felt in your chest as your feet felt glued to the ground.

It had been years since you last visited the huts, as much as it didn't give you bad memories, you couldn't help but feel the slightest of sorrow as your eyes landed on the small homes. "Is this where you once lived?" Nodding your head, you walked forward, looking up at the home as a small smile appeared on your lips. It brought you good memories seeing them, reminding you of the days where you were free from worry, a time where you were surrounded by nothing but people you loved and cherished. It made you feel warm, thinking of the days were you were greeted by familiar faces who were just living like you were, enjoying their time on Endor in a war free time period.

You missed it.

You missed not being old to understand the galaxy or the environment you lived in, you missed being oblivious to the real issues rather than worrying about if an Ewok was going to steal your toys, you missed smiling at every little thing and not being such an angry person like you were now. And, most importantly, you missed your parents.

The thick exterior you wore was nothing but a disguise you hid behind; sure, you were always such a daredevil, but that was only because you were fearless and brave--it was the anger that came with time. It didn't help that you had lost _all_ of you family, not a single blood relative left behind, after all...all you ever had were your parents and-

Falling to your knees, your face was shoved into the palm of your hands, tears freely streaming down your cheeks as you cried out. You couldn't care about the fact that the thorns of the flower were piercing your skin, nor could you care about the fact that Kylo was right behind you, you couldn't care about anything--all you wanted to do was cry.

It felt so heavy, the pain in your chest, the fact that you had never shed a single tear in front of anyone else slipped your mind. You hated showing your pain to others, you weren't one to breakdown in front of your friends, you always kept it inside when you were reminded of your loss--your bedroom was your sanctuary, only those four walls had ever heard your cries. You hated seeming weak.

Yet here you were, wailing out loud rather than quietly crying to yourself, in front of a man you were sure tears weren't an option to let out. But you knew it wasn't a big deal for him, you were sure he felt out of place if anything, seeing you--of all people--sob. You were expecting him to back away or maybe even _leave_ you...not wrap his arms around you and nearly cut off your crying as your face left your palms and lifted up.

Gulping, you felt your breath get caught in your throat as you felt his forehead lean on your shoulder, was this real? Or had you been dreaming? It surely must've been a dream, Kylo Ren couldn't be the kind to give hugs...right? Now your emotions were everywhere, how were you supposed to hate him when all he kept doing was prove himself?

"You're...You're hugging-" Pulling you into his chest as you were engulfed in his arms, your eyes fluttered, tears hanging lose from your eyelashes and lightly trickling down your cheek. _Why is he being_ _so_ _gentle?_

Nothing but silence loomed around the two of you, the soft wind blowing through and causing the surrounding greenery to ruffle as the huts creaked. Somehow, this was all you ever needed but never knew you wanted, the feeling of someone who could bring you at ease with a simple touch or gesture. Of course, your friends at the Resistance were capable of doing such thing, but with _his_ touch... _his_ hold, it somehow did wonders.

It made no sense, of course it didn't, Kylo Ren couldn't be capable of holding such power...but here he was, doing the unexpected. It was hard to think this was the same man who harmed your friends and killed his own father, how could it be? He was so...compassionate and caring, you weren't sure if this was Kylo Ren or an entity who used his body as its disguise.

Or maybe he had that side in him all along, it was just out of use since he had no one to give it to.

Were you _that_ lucky to get this side of him no one had ever seen before? After only knowing him for a month or so and speaking to him for such a short period of time, how were you capable of getting this part out of him?

Gently pushing yourself off of him, Kylo looked down at you and gently rubbed his thumb against your lightly injured cheek. "The thorns...they hurt you-"

"It's nothing," You assured as you stood up, stick out out a hand as Kylo took it while he got up to his feet as you tugged him along. "This is the hut I lived in." Pointing to the hut that sat near a small river, you eyed it. "It's small, but it was enough for four," You smiled.

 _Four_.

Knitting his eyebrows, Kylo looked over at you as he wiped away the last bit of your tears, you holding a smile and walking him over to your old home. Had there been a fourth member in your family that you had never mentioned? Or he had never seen around you or your parents?

"I'm not so sure if we can go inside of it...I don't want anything-" Walking over as his hand slid from your own, Kylo forced the door open and walked inside, causing your shoulders to slump as you let out a huff, "-falling on us..." _That's one way to do it._

Walking over and carefully entering the small home, you could hear the light creaking of the walls as you eyed the place, everything still in tact except covered in moss and webs, a few things still in the process of deteriorating while others still looked fully functional. Picking up a few things here and there, you nearly gasped at a small toy, causing Kylo to turn around. "What is it?" He finally spoke up.

Clutching onto the little doll an Ewok had helped your mother make you, you checked it to make sure it was still fully in tact. "I thought I had lost this..." Walking over, Kylo looked over his shoulders and narrowed his eyebrows.

"That ugly thing?" Arching an eyebrow, you elbowed him. "Sorry..."

"This 'ugly thing' had a lot of sentimental value, thank you very much," You spoke up to him before pushing past and walking off.

Looking at the nearly empty rooms, you found yourself remembering small things that had happened in them, the small memories of your childhood. Feeling your heart well up, you moved over to the so called living room once again--maybe this was why you barely visited, you couldn't bare the sensation in your chest.

Looking up at a small frame that hung on the wall, Kylo's head tilted as his eyes narrowed. "Who is she?"

Swiftly turning around, your eyes landed on the framed photo, heart nearly sinking as you rushed over and pushed him to a side. "N-no one!" You stuttered, trying your best to move him away but seeing you weren't strong enough.

Pressing his palm against your forehead and pushing you off, he pulled off the frame and eyed the photograph. "She must be someone if you seemed so happy...this is you, right?" He pointed to the little girl in the photo who had been piggy back riding a slightly older young lady.

Sighing you nodded. "Yes...it's me." Snatching the frame from his hold, you held it to your chest. "And she is no one." Turning on your heel, Kylo watched as you looked down at the photo, feeling your mood drop once again. You couldn't cry again, not now, it was enough that he saw you crying _once_.

But he had comforted you and suddenly all the pain was gone.

_No. This isn't worth the tears, you don't need his sympathy._

Opening up the frame and tossing it before removing the photo, you were about to crumble the image before Kylo completely stopped you. "What are you doing?!"

Reaching up to his hand as he held it up, you clutched onto his shirt as you tiptoed. "It's...none of your business...Ren!"

Pulling your hand off of his shirt and pushing you back, Kylo held onto your wrist. "Don't be so stupid and destroy the one good thing you have left of them!" Gasping, Kylo's jaw tightened as he had snapped on you. "Whoever they are, they must mean something to you and your family if the photo is in here."

"Like I said," Sliding your wrist from his hold, you turned around and walked towards the front door, "they're no one."

Looking down at the photo, Kylo eyed it, seeing how much the young woman had resembled you in looks. Although she must've been a good amount of years older, he could see many similarities between the two of you. "She's your sister, isn't she?" Looking up, Kylo realized you had gone. "Kid?"

Walking away from the huts as you held the toy and flower close to your chest, leaning your chin on it, Kylo rushed over. You didn't want to approach the topic, you didn't even want to _think_ about it. Every time you had, you only felt a wave of depression hit you. "I don't want to talk about it, let it be." You spoke over your shoulder as you could hear Kylo approaching you.

"She's your sister, she looks just like you-"

"I said I don't want to talk about it!" You shouted, clenching your fists as your hands fell to your sides, one of them clutching on to the toy and the other holding the flower rather harshly, thorns piercing your palm. "Stop being so annoying, Ren."

Looking at the photo again, he slid it into one of the pockets of the vest he had been wearing. "Why won't you speak about it?"

Turning around, you pointed a finger, "Why are you so fucking persistent?!"

"Because, I want to know-"

"Well, you have no right to know so drop it." Turning back around as you continued trudging, Kylo let out a small sigh. Wasn't he supposed to be the explosive one? Wasn't he supposed to be the one pushing you away? Not the other way around? Everything was completely flipped in this relationship, Kylo didn't know how to feel about it.

Was he afraid? He wasn't going to lie, he never thought he'd meet someone far worse than him, but he _wasn't_ afraid, how could he be? Maybe intimidated was the word, that must be it. As much as he intimidated you, you intimidated him far more. But that didn't stop him from getting in your business when he was worried about you.

Worried? He worried about you? Of course he did, why wouldn't he be? He was madly...well, he wouldn't admit to it, but he liked you more than a normal crush should, so without a doubt he'd worry about you.

Maybe that's why it itched at his skin to know who _she_ was, even if he felt it in his stomach that it must've been your older sister. But why was she so hidden? Why did you keep her a secret?

"Why won't you tell me who she is?" Kylo broke the silence, your eye twitching along with your fists as your irritation level was at its peak with Kylo. "I just want to know."

"Do you think you deserve the right to know?" You asked as you crossed your arms, turning around to face him.

"Of course not." Furrowing your eyebrows, that hadn't been the response you expected. "But seeing as I care for you I want to know who she is. It's clear that she means something to you and that she isn't a no one."

Sighing, you rolled your eyes. Why was he so blunt? Why were you dealing with this hidden side of Kylo Ren? Wasn't he supposed to be all...scary and mysterious? Where did that Kylo Ren go? Was he on vacation? Did he leave the moment you two had held your first conversation on the Finalizer? Or maybe he was left behind back on Tatooine?

"No one knows of her existence and neither should you." Turning back around, Kylo grabbed onto your wrist and forced you to face him. "You-you can't just force things out of people!"

Looking down at you, he nodded. "I know that."

"So don't think you can...can pry into my mind to get things out of it! That is rude and disrespectful!" You stated matter of factly as he began to lean towards you. "And that's exactly what you don't wanna be, r-right?!"

"I have no need to pry into your mind, y/n-" Gulping at the sound of your name, you blinked, "-I know you want to tell me. I can see it in your eyes. You're just forcing yourself to keep it in. Why?"

Snatching your wrist, you crossed your arms. "I am not. And if I were, why should I tell you?" You turned your head.

"Because you trusted me enough to visit planets to see me on your own, you trusted me enough to mend your wound, you trusted me enough to enter your thoughts freely...you have trust in me. And you have trust in me knowing I wouldn't tell a soul." Rolling your eyes as you knew he had been telling the truth, your head turned. "You even trusted me enough to allow me to see you cry when no one else had." Feeling your mouth fall into an 'o', Kylo took a step closer as you only felt your feet implanted into the ground.

"H-...of course I've cried in front of many others before! I've cried in front of-of...I've cried in front of people!" You stuttered as Kylo looked at you with a bland expression. "You're nothing special, Ren. Crying is a normal thing to do-"

"But in front of people it isn't for you." Looking deep into your eyes, your own pair shifted away as you pouted the slightest. There was no use in fighting the truth when Kylo was able to read you. "You don't like crying in front of others, you keep it to yourself..."

"What do you want me to say?" You mumbled.

Gently getting a hold of your chin, Kylo made you look at him. "I want you to say you trust me."

"What gives you-"

"I want to be the one person you put your full trust into. I know even around your friends you don't have your full trust in them because they would've known about your sister and they would've seen you cry. I want you to say you trust me, y/n." Feeling chills run down your spine at the sound of your name slipping off of his tongue, you shut your eyes.

"I-I can-" Feeling the burning sensation of tears pool up, you let out a shaky breath. "I can't do that..." Opening your eyes as a tear slipped, you gently pushed Kylo's wrist away as you walked off.

"I trust you." He called out. "I don't trust anyone, I don't trust anyone in the First Order, not even the supreme leader. I can't and I never will." Stopping in your tracks, you felt another tear slip as you looked over your shoulder. "They don't see me as a human being, they see me as a machine, a machine that destroys anything in its path to get what it wants. They don't think I have feelings or things that keep me up at night, they don't think I feel any other emotion aside from anger. They don't know me."

"I don't know you either." You said with such dullness.

"But you make me feel human." Rubbing his face, Kylo felt his heart thumping. "And I trust you, I trust you because you're my friend, my _only_ friend...and I know it's my fault that I have no friends, you don't have to remind me." Closing your mouth, you looked down. "I know who I am, I know what I do, I am well aware of the trouble that I have caused...but I, too, feel pain and misery and regret. I feel sadness and despair and joy. I feel it all. I am not a droid."

"What are you trying to say, Ren?" You scoffed as you turned around. "Why are you admitting to all of this?"

"Because I trust you!" Tugging at his hair, he rubbed the heels of his palms into his eyes. "I just want you to trust me, too. I want you to come to me when you feel like you have no one, I want you to be the one I go to for when I'm feeling alone, I want you to be the reason as to why I should fight to see another day."

"You have the First Order and your title and your will to rule the galaxy, that should give you a-"

"That doesn't matter now!" He shouted, causing your eyebrows to narrow. "I don't care if I have a stupid crush on you, I don't care if I'm bland and lifeless and boring, I don't care if I'm your enemy...I just need a friend who can understand me the way I can understand them." Feeling your face soften up, Kylo took a step forward. "And the only person I understand in this entire galaxy is you...and I _am_ the only person who understands you the way you should be understood."

 _Stop it, stop being so right! Stop pulling me closer to you when I want to be far away!_ "I...I just don't understand-" Cutting yourself off, you took in a deep breath as your fists tightened. "WHY DO YOU CARE SO MUCH ABOUT ME?!" You shouted as the tears welled up in your eyes once again. "WHY AM I SO IMPORTANT?!"

Growing wide eyed, Kylo reached a hand out, only to drop it as he watched the tears stream down your face. For a moment he regretted what he had admitted to.

"I don't understand it! I did nothing to deserve it! I did nothing to get the good side out of you, I did nothing to make you feel human, all I've ever done is push you away and act like a complete bitch to you! And-and all you ever do is pull me closer to you as if none of it happened! Why?! Why am I so important to you?! Why do I make you feel such a way that no one has ever expected Kylo Ren to feel?! Why me?!"

Panting as you took in heavy breaths, your chest began to heave rapidly as your heart pounded violently against your ears. You wanted to know how it was that the universe brought you two to this point, how it was that you were able to have such power to make Kylo Ren be this way, how it was that out of all people...the orphan who felt like she had no one but had everyone was capable of making Kylo human.

Tossing the toy and flower at Kylo, you shoved your hands against his chest. "Tell me, wh-"

Grabbing onto your wrists and pulling close, the gap between you two was suddenly closed as Kylo's lips pressed against yours. It felt as if your eyes were going to pop from shock, your heart beat slowly echoing out of your ears as your breathing came to a complete stop, the tears no longer streaming down as you stood there paralyzed. _Just friends_. The words rung in your head. _We're just friends_.

Shaking the thoughts away, you suddenly felt as if all your worries had been wiped away, your uneasiness turning into that of tranquility. You didn't want to cave in, not now, not ever...but it was hard not to when he was kissing you and holding you close and making you feel so peaceful as if nothing had happened.

And it was especially hard when all you wanted to do was act upon your feelings.

 _I don't like him. I don't like him. I don't like him_. Feeling your eyelids deceive you, they began to flutter close. _I don't like him. I don't like him. I don't_ -

Caving in, your eyes closed as you kissed back. There was no use in hating him the way you forced yourself to, how was it truly hate if you _made_ yourself feel such way? In reality, you felt nothing but adoration for him.

Pressing his forehead against your own, Kylo shut his eyes and took in a deep breath, "Because I love you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I LOVE DYING AND BEING DEAD!!!!
> 
> I know this may have made Kylo seem OOC but I feel as if it was fair to make him such way with what's going on...
> 
> ANYWAYS, A ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR KYLO STEPPIN TF UP
> 
> thank you for reading ^.^


	8. Don't Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Don't go then, stay with me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this is a pretty sappy/angsty chapter so here's your warning in advance!
> 
> *you can also find me on tumblr under the username 'kylohlic'*

It would be a complete and total lie if you hadn't known that Kylo loved you, it was obvious--at least in your eyes--that the man felt this way towards you. Even when you teased him then about how he loved you, you knew it to be true...you just never wanted to believe it. You did everything in your power to discourage yourself, saying the man could never love or possibly feel it, but you were wrong...so, _very_ wrong. He could feel it, and he could feel it in a way that it made your heart ache.

It wasn't a bad thing, it was good, you were happy he felt such thing. The man needed to feel something good for once that wasn't rage or pain, rather something like love itself. Maybe the love would drive him in a direction that'll lead to a lighter path. Maybe the love would do things to him that'll make him realize where he is now is not where he's meant to be.

 _Such a fantasizer you are_. But you knew the love wasn't strong enough to shake his darkness out of him, nor was it capable of snapping him out of it. On the other hand, at least he had you in his life, something good to go and hang on to. A friend. _A lover? I don't know yet_. It wasn't like you said I love you back, you couldn't, and Kylo knew you wouldn't.

But he didn't regret admitting his true feelings, even if it meant that you would only stay friends. He appreciated the fact that you were still there with him, now lying on the grass and star gazing as night had fallen. As much as the person you were this morning would've wanted to stay in bed all day, the person you were right now wanted this instead. At least you wouldn't suffer alone. You had Kylo.

"She was a good eight years older than me." You spoke up, breaking the silence. "She sort of was like a second mom when our mom was too busy working. She was always there for me, so kind and sweet, so loving and had a big heart. I idolized her." Staring at the night sky, you smiled. "I would do anything to keep her safe, even if I was the little one. She meant everything to me, she was my big sister after all."

Looking over to you, Kylo watched as a sudden tear slid down your cheek as your lips trembled.

"She was very well known, social and outgoing, almost everyone who lived on Endor was on good terms with her. She wasn't a fighter, more of a lover. It wasn't in her to follow our parents footsteps, rather to do something else. She wanted to study Endor, the native species and planets, the interior of the planet-- _everything_. And she did just that."

Seeing as another tear slipped, Kylo's eyebrows knitted the slightest. He had the urge to reach over and wipe them away, but he didn't want to interrupt you.

"She was doing so well, teaching kids and adults about all that she had learned...she even took me on her little adventures--she's the reason why I learned to speak Ewokese."

Feeling his eyes widened, Kylo suddenly thought about the Bocce incident on Coruscant, only making his heart stop. How could he have forgotten? He was doing everything he could to make sure the Supreme Leader didn't sense _it_.

"But as the bright days moved on, the dark days came along." Letting out a small sigh, your hand grasped onto a fistful of grass. "She had fallen ill, till this day I'm not quite sure as to what triggered it...I always imagined it was something on this planet that had--another reason as to why I rarely visit. She was growing weaker and weaker, thinner and thinner, yet...the happy attitude she carried was still young in her. She didn't cease to make me smile, she did everything in her power to take the pain away little by little so I wouldn't suffer as bad when the time would come..." Clutching tighter onto the grass, you took in a deep breath. "I sat at her bed side for as long as I could, even if I was told not to. I didn't care, she was my sister. I wanted to spend every moment with her until her very last breath."

Shutting your eyes, more tears began to spill as your breath hitched, Kylo finding it in him to reach over and gently brush his finger along your cheek to rid them.

"Then the day came and she was gone..." Gulping, you reopened your eyes and stared at the sky. "She was so young, so full of youth...she was only seventeen and I was merely a nine year old who still couldn't understand the concept of death. It still hurt though, just not as much as it does now as I'm more aware of it." You breathed, grip around the grass slowly loosening up as your other hand lied in Kylo's hold. "I guess that's why I am who I am today...I've seen death so many times that I chose not to fear it any longer."

Giving your hand a squeeze, Kylo turned his head to face the sky, the thought of losing you to your recklessness was something he didn't want to imagine. It was enough that he hated how much you ignored death and allowed it to come, he wanted you to fear it so you could live every day to its fullest...not welcome it with arms wide open. "I don't like that."

Blinking, your eyebrows furrowed the slightest as you looked at him. "Wh-"

"I don't like how you treat death so easily, as if it can't do you any harm. Death is the ultimate adversary to us all. You should fear it. There are people who _love_ you, y/n, people like Rey and Poe and Finn...and my mother. You shouldn't walk into battlefields welcoming death, you should be afraid, you should have something to drive you to fight to live...not fight to _die_."

Frowning at the sound of Kylo's voice and the sight of him tightening his jaw as if he were fighting something back, you swallowed hard. "I do what I do..." Shifting your head back, you let go of the grass, "because I have nothing else to live for but defend the Resistance."

Roughly letting go of your hand, Kylo moved onto you in a straddling position, placing his hands against the ground on either side of your head as he kept his balance. "Don't you dare say you have nothing to live for! Don't you dare think for a minute you deserve to die!" He shouted as your eyes widened. "You have a world of people who cherish your existence, y/n, who would fight anything to protect you! Remember how Finn and Rey did everything to fight off the troopers to get to you?! How they were by your side on Corellia?! They would lose their minds if they lost you! They look up to you!"

Gulping at the sight of Kylo scolding you, your body lied still underneath him. "My mother, your general, you mean the world to her! You may be the best soldier she has, but you also take a good portion of her heart! You're like a daughter to her! Then you have Poe...Poe is your friend, Poe is a _loyal_ friend and he would sacrifice his life for you! You have the entire Resistance by your back! Why would you want death?!"

Unsure of how to respond as your mouth fell open, Kylo shook his head. "You have your parents legacy to live on with, the title to hold and pass down, the protector of the light! You have your sisters ambition to hold, a piece of her must live on in you, I'm sure! You can't let them down!"

Tearing up again, you stared at Kylo with shaky eyebrows as you could feel him slowly breakdown as if he were feeling your pain rather than yourself. "And-and you have me! You have me to live for! I know you don't love me back the way I love you, but you consider me a friend and that's all I could ever ask for, a-a friendship! A friendship I know you'd do anything for because of the things we've done, the fact that you go out of your way to see me or to even _cry_ in front of me! The way you allow me in! You have everyone, y/n...even if you're orphaned and feel as if you have no one. You have everyone by your side and that's what matters." Taking in a deep breath, Kylo blinked away the few tears that threatened to spill. "So don't you dare tell me you have nothing to live for, because I will show you all the things you have!"

Slowly reaching your arms out, they instantly wrapped around his chest as you pulled him down, Kylo's eyes widening as his body collided with your own. You were ungrateful, so ungrateful for trying to push this man away because of your problems and because it was 'wrong'. He wanted nothing but the world for you, he wanted you to be okay and to be safe, he wanted you to be at ease...and all you ever did was shove him away. "I'm..." Gazing at the stars above, your fingers clutched tightly onto the material of his shirt as you embraced him tighter. "Sorry."

Blinking, Kylo lied there, wanting to hold you but wanting to keep himself from crushing you. The silence between the two of you caused a peaceful atmosphere, your light breathing flowing as you kept your eyes locked onto the stars above. You wanted to stay like this, for as long as it could last, doing nothing but hold him. There was something about wrapping your arms around his large frame and nestling your chin against his shoulder that became your calmative. _How...how can you have this power over me?_

Letting out a shaky breath, you tried to hold him longer, _just a bit more_ , wanting the feeling to imprint. You weren't sure when the next time you'd be able to get full on body contact with Kylo, let alone, be face to face, ever again...so you took it all in--smell and all.

His smell...it was a mixture of fresh laundry and spearmint, as if he had just washed the clothing before meeting up with you, the spearmint coming from his hair. It was soothing to smell, something about it calmed your nerves as you had found yourself shutting your eyes.

It was a mystery, all of it--how you ended up in this exact position when at first sight with the man, you thought he was going to end you...not make you feel so alive?

"Please don't leave me," You whispered as you held tightly onto him. "Please don't leave me here...like the rest of them." Shutting your eyes, the few tears you had held back before escaped as you took in a shaky breath. "Please, don't ever go."

Feeling his heart skip a beat Kylo nodded, arms sliding under your shoulders as he pulled you closer to his chest, the side of his head resting upon yours. "Never." You knew that was a hard promise to keep, but like he said before, you gave him a reason to fight on and live to see another day.

. . .

Nuzzling yourself against his chest as you had fallen asleep, all the crying and yelling wore you out, Kylo lied there wide awake as he watched the stars shinned. He couldn't sleep, it wasn't like he was on edge or overthinking as he always was, he just couldn't find it in him to fall asleep with all the danger out there--and the fact that he was still taking the whole moment in. His urge to protect you was at an all time high, especially with how vulnerable you were at the moment in your mental state, you wouldn't be up to fight something or someone who dared trying hurting you. Kylo wouldn't allow anything to harm you, even if it was a simple little creature.

To him, you were precious; as much as you were hardheaded and capable of defending and handling yourself, you were still delicate and broken. And you had proven that earlier. It rang in his heart, the thought that he was _good_ _enough_ to see your weak side, a side you were very cautious in keeping hidden. He wanted nothing but to protect you from the evil that lurked behind you and in your mind. He wanted to free you from your pain, to give you something that'll make you happy.

He wanted you to be okay.

And it was strange, a person like you walking into his life so suddenly and making him feel this way. Instead of worrying about the Resistance, having to train, or needing to speak with the supreme leader...right now, his mind was set on you and _only_ you and it felt...wonderful.

Yes, he had loved you, and yes, he knew it was all very wrong to become attached to someone--especially someone from the opposite side--but he couldn't help himself by finding peace within you; the one thing he truly had been looking for for so long.

Pulling you closer to his chest, his free hand twirled the ends of your hair around his fingers, the softness of it brushing against his skin as he found something as simple as this so relaxing. He wanted this and he wanted this forever.

But he knew it wouldn't be for long, because in the end, he was your enemy and you were his and this would never end well. Especially when you held something so remarkable in you he had to protect the most. He just could never tell you what exactly.

_What did I do to deserve this?_

Seeing a particular star twinkle in the night sky, Kylo let out a small huff--if that was a sign of someone responding to him or a sign of hope--he preferred the latter...at least right now he needed hope that what you two had, this newfound friendship, would last forever.

Maybe it was bound that someone as broken as you would meet someone as broken as him and mend each others wounds.

Slightly shifting in your spot as you felt yourself slowly slip back into consciousness, your eyes fluttered open to the sight of strands of your hair wrapped around Kylo's fingers. Softly smiling to yourself as the hand lying on Kylo's chest grabbed a fistful of his shirt, Kylo's finger fell still as the hair wrapped around it slipped off. "It's late..." You mumbled, letting go of his shirt.

"Do you want to go home?" Kylo spoke up, you letting out a small yawn as your hand slid into his own, intertwining your fingers with his. 

"No..." Smiling to himself, Kylo suddenly felt your weight lift off of him as you sat up. "But I have to." Sitting on the back of your legs, Kylo sat up with you as you gazed at each other, Kylo's eyes set on your own as yours slowly trailed down to the ground, looking at your free hand that had been pressed against the grass.

"Don't go then, stay with me."

Looking back up at him, you shook your head as you smiled, lifting your hand up and flicking his forehead, "Dweeb." Letting go of his hand, you stood up and patted off the loose grass that stuck onto you. Grinning, Kylo let out a deep breath as he stood up. "I've been gone too long." Nodding his head, you turned around and walked off as he followed you, picking up the flower and the toy you had left behind from earlier.

Walking in complete silence as Kylo kept a small distance from you while he watched you lead the way, a sudden wave of panic had crashed into him. "Wait!"

Stopping in your tracks, you looked over your shoulder. "What?"

"Holo-pad me once you arrive..." Nodding his head, you turned around and tilted your head the slightest. "Just do it, okay?"

Raising your eyebrows, you let out a puff of air before turning back ahead, "Okay, buddy." Approaching the spacecraft, you climbed inside to place the flower and toy down before climbing back out. "Please don't worry about me too much...I don't want people noticing their commander is acting off." You crossed your arms.

"I can't promise that." He simply responded. "I have a helmet that can conceal my emotions-"

"But your supreme leader," You interrupted as Kylo felt a sudden lump in his throat, "I don't want him noticing, either."

Looking down, Kylo nodded before he turned his attention back to you, "I am capable of hiding my feelings about you." Laughing, Kylo only furrowed his eyebrows, "Why are you laughing?"

"You're capable? Of hiding your feelings about me? Kylo...you can't even hide them from _me_ -"

"Th-that's different! You're you and he's him...of course it's hard to hide it from you, _hello_ , I like you-"

" _Love_ -"

"Leave me be." He rolled his eyes as you snickered, walking over to him and flicking his forehead. "C-can you stop that!" He swatted your hand away as you chuckled. "You seriously are a child."

Arching an eyebrow, you pressed your hands against his chest and shoved him back. "And you are a completely _child_ for blushing," You pointed out as Kylo instantly covered his cheeks, glaring at you.

"I have no control over that!"

Shrugging, you grabbed onto the collar of his vest to pull him down as you tiptoed, placing a kiss on his cheek as the skin only grew redder. "See you later, big guy." Turning on your heel and walking off, you waved a hand in the air. "And don't think I didn't notice you never brought my jacket back," Feeling his face heat up even more than he thought possible, he swallowed, "Just make sure no one sees it when you cuddle it pretending it's me." Hearing Kylo gasp, you lightly chuckled, climbing back up the ladder.

Rubbing his cheeks in hopes that that would be a way to remove the redness, he only sighed as his hands rubbed his whole face, cursing the fact that you had the power to make him feel this way. "I do not cuddle with your jacket...I just...smell it." Throwing his hands up, he groaned. "That's even worse, you idiot!"

. . .

Slyly climbing down the ladder, you felt a sudden turn in your stomach, as if someone--or more than just one person--had been watching you. Clutching onto the toy and flower, you slowly turned around and cursed under your breath as you shut your eyes. _You were doing so well!_

"So instead of allowing us to spend the day with you, you snuck out to get a dead flower and an ugly toy?" Rey spoke up as your eyebrows raised. _Your inner Kylo is showing, Rey._

"You could have at least told us you left, you had us worried!" Poe exclaimed as you sighed.

"Guys, she probably went to visit Endor," Finn added as your eyes widened, "I mean, where else would she go on a day like today?" Letting out a small breath as you sighed in relief, you nodded in agreement.

"Sorry, guys, I just needed to visit my home...wanted to see my old place and found this," You lifted up the toy, "My mom and an Ewok made it for me when I was little."

Awkwardly scratching her head, Rey looked away as Poe nudged her. "Sorry...I didn't mean to call it ugly..." _You're not the only one who has._

"It's fine," You shrugged, "Again, I'm sorry to worry you all...I just needed time to myself." Seeing them all nod back, you smiled. It made your heart warm knowing how much they truly cared for you.

"Well, seeing as it's already half past ten...why don't we have dinner? I think it'll be nice..." Poe asked as you and the other two nodded in unison.

"Yeah, let me just leave this stuff in my room and I'll join you three," Seeing as they smiled at you, you turned around and walked off. "That was close..."

Aiming to your living quarters, you swiftly made your way in and lied the toy next to the vase and frame, then looked at the flower Kylo gave you, unsure where to put it. Eyeing it, you couldn't help but laugh at how ironic it was--a flower that was an intense shade of dark red that almost looked black, having thorns all along the rather long stem--it felt as if it had resembled Kylo in a sense. _Oh, don't get all sappy, this isn't like you._

Tossing it onto your bed, your eyes shifted back to the frame of your parents, walking over to it and lifting it up. "I've made it this far...and I'm going to keep going," Kissing the glass, you placed the frame back down as you stuck your hands in to the pocket of your pants, only to feel something in it. Pulling it out, you unfolded the paper, seeing the image Kylo saved from your hands. "That sly bastard..." Eyeing the image, you took in a deep breath before placing it down next to the photo of your parents.

Walking over to your dresser and pulling out the holo-pad, you called Kylo, bringing the pad with you as you aimed it towards the image the second he appeared. "I see you found it."

"You think you're sneaky, Ren." Turning the holo-pad around, you smiled.

"I thought it was fair enough, I wouldn't want to keep a photo of you as a child, that's kind of creepy..." Chuckling, you nodded. "The jacket will do instead."

"So you're keeping my jacket?" You asked as Kylo shifted his holo-pad around, pointing over to your jacket that lied on his bed. "I knew you cuddled with it."

"I do not cuddle with it, okay, I hide it in plain sight."

"Kylo, that's not hiding it if you lie it on your bed..." You stated, sitting on your bed as Kylo placed his holo-pad down.

"No, I hide it under the pillow," Seeing him move your jacket, you rolled your eyes. "See?"

"Yeah, cause that totally means you _always_ hide it there. How do I know you don't just go about using it like some sort of blanket?" Crossing your arms, Kylo sat down.

"First of all, I am too big for that tiny thing, second of all, I am not a kid... _you_ are." Feeling your shoulders drop, you sighed.

"Then why is it out from under the pillow?" You curiously asked as Kylo pushed his hand through his hair.

"No particular reason..."

Moving closer to the holo-pad, you glared at him, "Don't tell me you sniff it to think of me?"

Feeling as if his eyes were about to bulge out, he instantly shook his head. "No way! That's-that is so weird!" Smirking to yourself, you moved back.

"Well, I guess that makes you a weirdo." Blinking, Kylo looked at you in confusion. "It's cool, I mean...if you find someone smelling their crushes jacket normal, then I guess we're good."

"Don't make it worse for me..." Kylo shoved his face into his palms as you snickered.

"So you _do_ smell it..." Standing up, Kylo didn't dare lift his head up from his hands. "Ah, it's better you sniff a jacket than underwear," You swatted a hand as Kylo's head shot up, eyes wide as his cheeks burned. "I'm gonna go get dinner with the crew, have fun smelling my jacket, big guy." Hanging up on him, Kylo fell back on his bed in embarrassment, rubbing his face.

Now that he had confessed his love for you, was he going to be more on edge? Was he going to be flustered about every little thing you did or said as you simply shrugged it off? He had hoped not, this wasn't the way things were supposed to go, at least not how he had imagined it. He expected for you to be a bit more distant, or even more sweet if anything...not extra smug. _Dammit_.

Grabbing your jacket, Kylo covered his face with it, instantly getting a whiff of what smelled fruity--something he was still amazed that you smelled like. He didn't intend on smelling your jacket, rather cover his face from how awkward he had felt, but with the sudden smell of your scent, Kylo felt at bay. _A person so mischievous could smell so damn heavenly._

Hearing a sudden knock on his door, Kylo instantly hid the jacket under his bedsheets, swiftly pulling on his helmet and trying to push the thoughts of you out of his mind. Opening up the door, he balled his fists at his sides as the stormtrooper stood there. "Pardon me, commander, but the supreme leader has summoned you."

Nodding his head, Kylo walked out of his living quarters as the trooper had moved to a side, the man waving his hand as the door closed before walking off. The last thing he needed right now was for the supreme leader to somehow sense you on the back of his mind, especially with Kylo's revelation about you.

If it hadn't been for the fact that the Finalizer had been floating in open space, Kylo was sure by now it would be night time if they were on a planet, or maybe even sunrise for how long he had been gone. _Maybe that's why I am being summoned_. After all, he had just left the vessel without a single word or a certain group of men to be by his side.

Fearing the worst as he approached the door, he took in a deep breath as he tried to push you as far away from his mind as possible, not wanting to think about a single thing that had happened earlier. _I can do this_. Taking a step forward, the door slid open. _Do this for her sake, Snoke must not know._ Walking forward he held his head high along with a straight back as he looked up at the hologram. "Supreme leader." Kylo bowed his head.

"I have summoned you for an important matter..." His voice echoed throughout the surrounding walls. "It seems as if your uncle and the scavenger are no longer the only issue we have at hand..." Blinking behind the helmet, Kylo felt his heart skip a beat. "There has been...a _new_ awakening. Have you felt it, Kylo Ren?"

Quietly taking a deep breath, Kylo tried everything in his power not to seem uneasy. "I am afraid I have not, supreme leader."

"That is expected...seeing as this has been recently sensed. Whoever they must be, their abilities have been dormant for so long, something had triggered it to be awoken." Snoke said. "And I expect you to feel it very soon as this is a gradual growth. Whoever they are, they must be found by the First Order immediately before the Resistance does."

Bowing his head, Kylo looked back up. "Of course, supreme leader. The scavenger and Skywalker would have an equal match."

"You wouldn't be outnumbered anymore, aside from the Knights of Ren, you would have someone by your side who shall be Force sensitive." Leaning forward as he rubbed his chin, Snoke continued on, "It is time you obtain an apprentice, Kylo Ren. Do not let this one slip through your grip. From here on, we will succeed." Swallowing the lump that had formed in his throat, Kylo nodded. "We have a new task at hand, we must find this Force user immediately. The Light will not know what is coming." Tightly clenching his fist as Kylo felt his heart wanting to escape his chest, he tried everything in his will not to do anything out of line. "Do not fail me, Ren."

"I will not." He lied.

"Whoever they must be, they will not be the easiest to handle, they will be far worse mentally than you'd ever be...a great add to the First Order. Find them." Fading away, Kylo let out a heavy breath, turning around and storming out. This was not what he wanted. This was the exact opposite of what he wanted.

But what was he going to do about you?

"Let's not forget that one time Poe thought it was best to pod race against Rey and miserably fail," Finn pointed out as everyone but Poe laughed. "He got slaughtered!"

"I do not need the reminder, thank you, Finn." Poe crossed his arms.

"Aw, don't be a sour pus...you're still one helluva pilot!" Rey patted his back as Poe rolled his eyes, you chuckling as you knew that had ate Poe alive. It felt great being able to share such moments with the group, especially with the time period you had now been living through, the last thing you need was for everyone to be depressed.

"Let's go for a round two, maybe then I'll kick your butt in the air!" Poe nearly slammed a hand on the table as he stood up, Rey shaking her head and crossing her arms behind it.

"No way, I won fair and square-"

"Being Force sensitive does not mean you won fair and square!" Poe pointed a finger as Rey snickered, you and Finn laughing as you watched the two.

"How about I race y/n, here...seems as if she's getting a hang of piloting," Rey nudged her head in your direction as your laugh instantly faded away. "After escaping the First Order in a TIE along with sneaking out and returning with that ship...I think she could be a great challenge." Shaking your head, Finn turned to you and nodded.

"Yeah, you should totally do it!" He shook your shoulder as you grew wide eyed.

"N-no way, I wouldn't be that good, I'd embarrass myself..." You shook your head, not wanting to make a complete idiot out of yourself.

"Aw, come on, at least I won't be the only one who took the shame!" Poe looked at you with a begging expression as you sighed. " _Pleeease_!"

"Uh...I don't think that's-"

"Yeah, you totally should! We can test out your piloting skills miss 'I don't pilot'," Rey nodded with a wide grin as you shook your head.

"No, I really shouldn't-"

"Y/n, y/n, y/n-" The three cheered as you shoved your face into your palms, "Y/n, y/n, y/n-"

"Alright! When do we race?"


	9. Knights of Ren

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The Knights of Ren. Why would they want to-"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just gonna say a certain group makes a grand entrance and reader's bein a lil binch

When you had asked when, you did not expect them to say 'now' the second you had questioned, and you definitely did not expect yourself to be racing with Rey already. Being nervous was an understatement, you were racing against a Force user who had it natural in them to fly all sorts of spacecraft without an issue whereas for you, you had to learn through Poe's tips. But things took a good turn for you, as if luck was by your side and the stars were in your favor--you were actually beating Rey.

At first, your doubt was getting the best of you, although you were quite competitive, there was no doubt a normal human being would win against a Force sensitive in a race. On the other hand, you were doing just fine--if not--better than Rey had and Poe and Finn weren't sure as to exactly what they had been watching because it almost seemed impossible to beat Rey.

"I-I..." Unable to form words, Poe stood there with his jaw hanging loose, Finn doing the same as he blinked. "I don't know what to say?"

"Me either..." Finn muttered, eyeing you and Rey make your way out of the spacecrafts. "That was..."

"THAT WAS AMAZING!" Poe shouted, running over to you and lifting you up in a hug. "I knew my guidance would do you well!" Chuckling, you hugged him back as Rey placed her hands on her hips, a smirk playing on her lips.

"I've gotta say, I am impressed that you beat me...I don't know how or why, but that was pretty exceptional flying you did right there." With a nod of her head, Rey patted your shoulder.

"Y/n actually beat Rey in a race? Okay, I'm ready for the impossible to happen, all of it, lay it on me Maker..." Finn opened his arms as you and the other two laughed, Poe placing you down, ruffling with your hair as you gave him a toothy smile.

"You didn't take one for the time, but you did better," He winked as you nodded back. "I'm proud of you, captain!"

"Thank you, thank you. I am just as shocked as you all are...I can't believe it!" You cheered as the three of them clapped for you.

"I guess this means the only person I have left to race is you, Finn," Rey breathed as she shrugged.

"Hell no!" He swatted a hand as everyone laughed. "I am opting out on that one."

Wrapping your arms around Poe and Reys waist, the four of you walked back into the base, small talk being exchanged--you wouldn't change this for the world. Kylo was right, you had so much to live for, especially for those who loved you. But, still, the thought lingered in the back of your mind of your loneliness...you just had to remind yourself you had three great friends by your side right now who would do _anything_ for you.

"Thanks guys, you made my day a whole lot better," You smiled as the four of you approached your door. "But for now, I need sleep, I'm exhausted." Yawning, it was suddenly a domino effect, you chuckling as everyone shrugged at one another.

"Yeah, get some rest, we'll see you later," Poe hugged you, then Rey, then Finn.

"And don't sneak out on us, okay?" Rey pointed a finger as you rolled your eyes, ready to open your door.

"Can't promise you that," You teased, waving goodbye before walking into your quarters. You were dead tired and all you wanted to do was sleep and only sleep, but a part of you felt as if you had to speak to Kylo for an unexplainable reason.

And just like that, as if Kylo heard you, the holo-pad rang.

Walking over, you answered it, "He-"

"Are you okay?!" He instantly asked as your eyebrows narrowed.

"Yes, I am...are you?" You chuckled at how straight to the point he was.

"Y-yes." He nodded as you arched an eyebrow.

"Are you sure about that? You seem a bit off? Something happen?" Seeing him shake his head as he paced, you opened your dresser and pulled out your pajamas. "Well, as you pace, I'm gonna go change..." Walking over to the bathroom and changing, Kylo felt his heart fluttering against his chest, beating faster than he ever thought it could.

The second he had left Snoke's throne-like room, Kylo felt a strong shift in the Force, one a little too heavy to be given off by a recently awakened Force user. He was afraid that Snoke had felt it, too. There was no doubt he had, Snoke was far more intelligent and aware of these sort of things, but Kylo prayed to the stars that somehow, in some way, Snoke didn't feel it this time.

"Mind telling me why you're so antsy?" You asked, plopping and lying on your bed as you eyed the flower Kylo had given you.

"Well, it's because..." _What do I say?_ "It's because today is your parents death anniversary and I'm not with you and wanted to make sure you were alright..." _Smooth_.

Furrowing your eyebrows, you crossed your arms under chin as you watched Kylo slow down his pace and sit down. "Uh...okay, well, I'm fine...I was with Finn, Rey, and Poe and we had a good time hanging out," You stated as Kylo looked at you, eagerly nodding his head. "And Rey and I raced-"

"Raced? Race for what? What did you race?" He spewed out as you gave him a look of confusion.

"A pair of these spacecrafts that Poe gave us access to-"

"You raced? Spacecrafts?" Kylo asked as he had leaned forward, you sitting up on the back of your legs as you frowned the slightest.

"Yeah...why? Is there an issue?" Seeing him instantly shake his head, you let out a sigh as you pushed your hand through your hair. "Then why am I getting a sense that you're on edge? Kylo, I told you not to worry about me, I'm fine-"

Takin in a deep breath, his heart only skipped a beat--what if you had sensed his emotions easily like how he had sensed yours? What if you could sense he was lying? What if you were to find out why? "It's not that, you're not by my side so it's hard not to."

Shaking your head, you rubbed your face. "Kylo, I am a-okay, I'm actually happy...okay? Don't worry, I'm doing just fine, alright?" You gave him a soft smile as he was now the one rubbing his face. You started to wonder as to why he was acting so strangely, maybe this was why you felt the need to speak to Kylo not too long ago. "So please, take it easy on yourself..."

Shaking his head, he felt himself become nauseous as his anxiety had gotten the best of him. "O...Oka-" Covering his mouth, your eyebrows narrowed as he instantly darted off.

"Kylo? Kylo? Are you okay?" You called out, hearing slight gagging coming from the background. "Oh Maker, are you alright? What happened? You're making me wor-" Cutting yourself off, you felt the sudden urge to puke. "Oh no..." Shaking your head, you gulped. "Kylo?!"Hearing light grunting, your stomach turned as you felt worried. "Kylo!"

Hearing knocking on your door, you instantly jumped, head snapping in its direction as you frantically hid the holo-pad under your pillow. "Y/n?" The familiar voice called out as you mumbled some profanity under your breath, rushing over to the door and opening it. "Hey, I thought I heard-"

"I'm fine...I'm fine..." Growing wide eyed at the sound of Kylo's voice you shut your eyes as you mentally screamed, how were you dumb enough not to hang up? "I just...I was thinking too much."

Looking at Finn, the mans eyes looked as if they were going to pop out. "Y/n...who do you have in your room?"

"N-no one!" You waved your hands, "There's no one-"

"Y/n?" Kylo called out as you cursed under your breath, "Hello?"

"Y/n...don't tell me you're-" Covering his mouth, you pulled Finn in and shut the door. "Are you-are you seriously holo-padding someone?" He asked as he had removed your hand.

"Uh-"

"Y/n? Are you there? I'm sorry about that, I had a meeting with Snoke and it was in the back of my mind and it got me nauseous..." Feeling your eyes widen again, Finn shot you a look as your heart instantly sunk to your stomach.

"It-it's not what it sounds like-" You shook your hands, trying to stop Finn from doing anything drastic.

"Are...are you seriously speaking to Kylo Ren?!" Covering your mouth, you shook your head.

"Y/n?" Kylo called out again, you weren't sure as to how he wasn't hearing the ruckus from your end.

"Y/n...no..." Finn frowned. "You-you can't be-"

"I-I can explain! Please!" You pleaded as Finn slowly backed up. "Please, Finn! I need you to hear me out!" You cried out.

"How can I? You're speaking to the enemy! The man that knocked me unconscious, tortured our two best friends, and kidnapped you! And _killed_ his father!" He exclaimed as you bit your inner cheek.

"I-I know that, but please-"

"Y/n, you're the captain of the Resistance...you can't do this to us-"

"Please, please Finn, I can explain!" You begged as you held onto his wrist, the young man looking down at you with such disappointment. " _Please_..." Your voice softened. He could tell it was something serious.

Taking in a deep breath, he nodded. "Fine..."

Slowly backing up, you pulled out the holo-pad from under the pillow. "Y/n, what happened?"

"Kylo...I..." Unsure of what to say, it was as if Kylo read it off of you.

"Is someone there with you?" He asked as you nodded. "Y/n, you can't-"

"I'm sorry I couldn't do anything about it..." You sighed, Finn looking over at you and seeing how upset you were. Why were you suddenly so casual with the commander? Were you two friends? Did you befriend one another when he had kidnapped you? "It's Finn-"

"F-Finn?! W-Why is F-" Walking over, Kylo cut himself off as Finn now stood next to you.

"You better have a good explanation for this, y/n, a good reason as to why I shouldn't tell the general or the crew." He crossed his arms as your head dropped, Kylo standing there and blinking.

Looking up, you placed the holo-pad down. "It's a long story..."

"I have time."

. . .

"So you're telling me...Kylo Ren let you escape...after kidnapping you?" Finn asked, pacing in front of you as you sat on your bed, next to the holo-pad. The entire conversation Kylo had been on edge, in hopes you would tell the full story--and lucky for him, you missed the major details and only included the minor that did not include the intimate moments. "And after he had, you ran into him on Tatooine...and he saved you? And you ran into him on Endor...and he saved you then?"

"Mhm," You nodded, quietly gulping as you hoped he didn't seem too suspicious. "He basically saved my ass three times-"

"But I don't understand? Why would he kidnap you only to release you?" Finn stopped mid pace as you took in a deep breath, Kylo rubbing his face--this was the last thing he needed, let alone, one of the last people that should've found out.

"He saved me from the swarm that was headed our way, I was already exhausted as it was and it was hard defending myself with the lack of energy I had...so in order to help me out, he made it seem like he kidnapped me." You stated as Finn crossed his arms.

Narrowing his eyes, Finn looked over at Kylo, only to look back at you. "But...why? Why would he have the decency to save you? He could've let you die out there! I'm sure as hell if it were me or Rey he would've-"

"You better believe I would h-"

"Kylo," You scolded as he sighed, sitting back in his spot and crossing his arms. "That...I don't know, he still won't tell me as to why he's protecting me so much," You lied, "Kind of why I've been talking to him, but he refuses to tell me."

Glaring at Kylo, Finn let out a deep breath. "And he didn't torture you? Like at all?" Shaking your head, Finn rubbed his forehead. "What, are you in love with y/n?!" He nearly snapped as Kylo's eyebrows knitted.

"Of course not."

"Then why the hell are you saving her ass each and every time?" Finn walked over to holo-pad as you sat there, shaking your head. "Huh? What's so important about our captain? Are you doing it because someone's telling you to? Is that it? Is this a mission?"

"If I haven't told her, what makes you think I'll tell you, _Finn_?" Kylo leaned forward as Finn's teeth clenched.

"You have no right to call me Finn, Ren." Finn spat as you rolled your eyes.

"Enough, Kylo won't say jack shit to either of us, or anyone at this point," You lifted up a hand to push Finn back.

"So why are you still talking to him, huh? And where in the galaxy did you get this holo-pad?" He questioned.

"Because, I'm trying everything to find out as to why he's doing what he's doing and the only way to do that is through this," You pointed at the holo-pad. "Without it, my conscious would be eating me alive as to why this bastard is doing this."

Rolling his eyes at the name, Kylo leaned back once again. "It's pointless."

Looking over to Kylo, you pointed a finger. "No, it's not, I'll get it out of you eventually."

"Whatever, as long as this is nothing more than just Kylo being a creep and you finding out why...then your secrets safe with me," Finn nodded over to you as Kylo's eyes narrowed.

"I am no creep-"

"For what you're doing, you pretty much are," You shrugged over at him as he let out a huff. "And thank you, I really don't need anyone worrying over something as minor as this. It isn't like we're exchanging intel, he's too up the ass to tell me anything." You gave Kylo a dirty look as Finns eyebrows raised the slightest.

"That's because you're the enemy-"

"I'm the good guy here, you're the bad guy, need I remind you!" You crossed your arms as as Kylo shook his head.

"Anyways, be careful, I don't want anyone else to notice this," Finn pointed a finger as you nodded. "I'll see you in the morning."

Watching him walk out, you let out a sigh of relief. "Unbelievable..." Throwing yourself back, Kylo unfolded his arms and leaned his head back, rubbing his face.

"This all could have been avoided if you had hung up-"

"I'm sorry I was worried about your well being!" You admitted, instantly blushing as you looked away. "I wasn't thinking straight and did the first thing that came to mind..."

Gulping, Kylo stared at you, "You were worried about me?"

"Don't get excited, I was worried because you were puking and was afraid someone would've ran in and saw me," You lied.

Snickering, he leaned back, "Oh, like how someone barged into _your_ room instead?"

"Hush, you!" You pointed a finger. "I trust Finn, he'll keep his word."

"He better," Kylo mumbled.

"He will." Standing up and moving the holo-pad, you let out a small sigh. "Anyways, I'm exhausted, too much happened in one day and I'm drained out," You yawned.

"I take it your day went better than expected?" He questioned as you felt a small smile grow on your face.

"Somewhat, though I think it could've been better if someone hadn't stolen my jacket and kept it," You teased as Kylo's mouth fell open.

"I-I did _not_ steal it, _you_ left it behind!" Chuckling, Kylo only stood up and went to grab it, "Look, it's safe in my room, not a single scratch or tear!"

"Good," You smirked, "Or else you'd be in a world of trouble, commander."

"It isn't like you'll never see it again...just not soon," He trailed as you gasped.

"That is my _favorite_ jacket! I want it back!" You placed your hands on your hips as you leaned forward, glaring at him.

"You want it back? I'm sorry, that's kind of impossible to do seeing as I'm here and you're over there..." He shrugged as your jaw shifted. "That is, unless, we meet up-"

"Don't. I've had enough of you for a day, plus, I got caught sneaking back in," You nodded as Kylo sighed. "Nice try, though, but I think today was a major step up in our friendship."

"What we have is not normal whatsoever," Kylo stated as you shrugged. "I guess I deserved this problematic friendship."

Arching an eyebrow, your finger lied up and the end button, "Well, I guess you're just going to have to appreciate all you've got, ungrateful."

"Wait, I didn't-" Hanging up, you hid the holo-pad in your drawer before hopping onto your bed, getting under the sheets and smiling to yourself.

Kylo was right, what you two had wasn't normal, but to you, it was somehow all you needed.

. . .

For the past couple of days, your mornings and evenings were spent holo-padding Kylo while in between you had found yourself doing things you normally wouldn't have. Instead of working in the base or holding training, you were out and about dealing with one-man missions, piloting yourself and handling situations on your own. For some reason, Leia had felt it was best to step it up for you seeing as a captain should be doing more than just indoor work.

At first, you were quite skeptical; out of the many years you had been working with the Resistance, this was the very first time you were told to take yourself on a mission rather than a pilot. The missions weren't even easy, some were quite the hassle while others you had ran into plenty of problems, and somehow you survived them all.

Your instincts lately were at its peak, along with all your skills of that matter, it was as if you had a sudden boost in your abilities to fight and as much as it was strange, you didn't complain.

Wrapping yourself in a towel as you walked out of your bathroom, brushing the knots out of your hair as you loosened it from the bun it had been in, a familiar buzz was heard coming from your dresser. Although you wanted to seem irritated, you couldn't help but smile to yourself, your conversations with Kylo had been the one of the few things you looked forward to every day.

"Hello," You greeted, placing the holo-pad down on your dresser, "Someone's a bit late on the call."

"Somebody forgets that where I am, time is different and I actually have things to do-"

"Oh don't give me that, it isn't like you sleep, you could've called me earlier or at least do what you did beforehand." Rolling your eyes as you brushed the last knots, you placed your hair brush down before walking to your closet.

"Is your hair actually down for once?" Kylo asked as you felt your cheeks heat up. "It's always in a ponytail or braid...maybe half up half down...but not fully down," He nearly gawked as you swiftly picked out your outfit.

"Oh, don't freak out, it's just hair," You swatted a hand, eyeing the clothing. "I'm surprised you're so amazed by that and not by me in a-" Looking over at the holo-pad, Kylo looked stiff, "-towel...you okay?"

"No-yes, I am fine." He swallowed, nodding his head as he took in a deep breath and looked away, acting as if he had something to do elsewhere in his room.

"Uh...okay..." Chuckling, you went for your drawers to grab your under garments, walking to the bathroom and changing into them before walking back out and putting your clothes on.

Looking back over to the holo-pad, Kylo instantly looked away, "Why are you naked?"

"Naked?" You chuckled, "Kylo, I have my pants on-"

"But not a shirt," He spoke as he looked at a wall rather than you.

"Oh, relax, I'm putting it on," Pulling on the turtle neck long sleeve, you slid on the vest you had to wear instead of the jacket Kylo kept. "You can look now."

Slowly turning his head, he let out a puff of air. "Are you going on a mission today?" He curiously asked as you slid on your boots.

"Uh, well..."

"Y/n..." Kylo crossed his arm. "You know how I feel about-"

"Kylo, I am a captain, it's a priority to go on these harsh missions. What do you want? Now that I'm more skilled than ever and can pilot like a pro--well, in a sense--I have to take advantage of my youth and do as much for the Resistance as I can." You stood up straight, pulling your hair into a pony tail as you stuck your bangs behind your ears.

"I know, but for the past three missions you've been attacked and-"

"Am I dead?" Crossing your arms, Kylo looked up and narrowed his eyebrows.

"Huh?"

"I asked: am I dead?"

"No, clearly not-"

"Then why are you worrying so much? I'm handling myself quite well and it seems as if I don't need you by my side in order to survive," You rolled your eyes.

"It's not that, you...you know how I am!" He threw his hands up. "I just want you to be safe-"

"Well quit it, I am the captain of the Resistance and it is my duty to take such drastic measures. If you don't want to worry so much, you should've fallen in love with a damsel in distress, not a woman who can take care of herself." You nearly snapped.

"That's not what I-"

"Save it, as much as I appreciate you saving me, I'm a grown woman, I can handle myself." Grabbing your bag for the mission, you slung it over your shoulder. "And in this story, I should be saving my own ass, not you."

"That's not what I intended-"

"Quit being so soft, it's making me want to puke." Narrowing his eyes, Kylo blinked. "You're supposed to be selfish not selfless, remember? Worry about yourself more than you do about me." Hanging up on him, Kylo sat there in silence. If only you knew as to why Kylo was truly concerned about you, then you'd understand.

Placing the holo-pad back into your drawer and shutting it, you stormed out. Sure, you appreciated Kylo's worry for you-- _at times_ \--but lately it had become too much and you were growing annoyed. You never liked being the damsel in distress, you never enjoyed the feeling of someone constantly having to save your ass from a mission gone wrong or on a battlefield. You were the heroine of your story and you were the only one who could save yourself, not the enemy. And as much as you hated the feeling of Kylo practically breathing down your neck, you knew he did it for a good reason.

It wasn't like he had fallen in love before, nor was it like he had friends to worry about or care for, but you had wished he had eased off a little on you. Out of all people, you should've been the one who he befriended last, at least the others he could worry about less and wouldn't have to worry about how adventurous and how much of a daredevil you were.

Sighing to yourself, you quickened your pace to the hangar, already feeling sorry for how you snapped on Kylo. _He's still the adversary and you're still his enemy, remember that_. Reminding yourself that had become hard lately with how often you had found yourself falling harder and harder for Kylo. You don't love him the way he loves you, you don't love him _at all_ , he's just a friend. A friend and _nothing_ more.

Taking in a deep breath, you held your head high. As much as you wanted to know as to why Kylo was being so on edge lately, you had to force yourself to shove your own worries out in order to focus on the real task at hand here--visiting Mandalore.

Mandalore was the last planet you thought you would have to visit, hoping you could re-visit Jakku or even go to Takodana or Dantooine instead...not Mandalore. Mandalore was a complete disaster and you knew how much of a ruin the planet was. You couldn't even get started on the people. Why would Leia send you alone to a planet like _that_.

Times like these you did wish someone else was by your side. And times like these you wish you hadn't become so terrified.

But what triggered it? Why were you suddenly so afraid of the Galaxy you lived in? You loved exploration and being free, not caring about a thing. But it was suddenly all gone, as if you had become more aware.

What was it? Were you maturing really late, or did something in you snap? Whatever it was, it was eating at your skin and you were exceedingly anxious.

The trip from D'Qar to Mandalore was a whole other issue of its own, aside from the fact that you were on your own, the never ending tugging in the back of your brain of "what is going to happen out there?" only made you sick to the stomach. You had never ever felt this nauseous nor nervous before, it was almost like your anticipation was eating you alive for a reason unbeknownst to you.

Finally landing on the planet, you made sure you had everything you needed--blasters included. You were supposed to get some intel that a smuggler was able to receive from a few rogue First Order members. As sketchy as it sounded, you couldn't decline the mission, any information on the Order was valuable information.

The problem was, it didn't sit right with you.

Of course not, you were supposed to be meeting up with a complete stranger on a pretty vicious planet surrounded by dangerous people--why wouldn't it sit right with you?

Following the directions to the location you were meant to meet up with the supposed smuggler, you kept your guard higher than any x wing could fly, you weren't about to let some Mandalorians attack you because you seemed lost or weren't a native.

"Okay..." Taking in a deep breath, you used your hand as a visor as you looked up at the slowly deteriorating factory-like building.  "Not so sketchy whatsoever..." Rolling your eyes, you heard some talking coming from your right, causing you to snap your head over as your hand latched onto your blaster.

"Hey, you, are you that Resistance captain?" Arching an eyebrow, you pulled out your blaster, only to see the man throw his hands up. "Whoa, whoa! We mean no harm! This is my smuggler mate, Don-"

"They did not mention there would be _two_ of you." You coldly spoke.

"Because he wasn't supposed to be here, but he wanted to watch my back and make sure this wasn't some sort of set up." Furrowing your eyebrows, you still held the blaster in your grip.

"Set up? Why the hell would this be a set up?" You questioned as the man shrugged. "Were _you_ not the one who chose to meet on Mandalore?"

"Well, yeah...but you never know." Seeing the man swat a hand, your eyes narrowed. He was too casual for your taste and you weren't liking it  one bit. "But now that I see you're alone, then I guess we're good."

Eyeing the man, then his partner, you nudged your head to him. "He's gotta go."

"Don, you heard the lady." Seeing the man lift up his hands, he backed up.

"Don't think for a second on doing something you'd regret, boy." You pointed the blaster at the man as he nodded before walking off.

"Alright, I think it's safer we head inside." Nudging his head, you slowly nodded, still aiming your blaster as the man sighed. "Are you going to-"

"Yes, seeing as I don't trust you." Quietly following after as you held tightly on to the weapon, you gave the surrounding outside area one last good look before entering the building, only to be presented by rusting machines and dust floating everywhere along with the lack of light. Although sunlight had been seeping through the crevices and cracks of the boarded up windows and doors, it still wasn't enough to light up the area. "Why here out of all places?" You curiously asked, seeing the man guide you along the way as you eyed the area.

There was something that you couldn't quite grasp on to that wasn't right, the feeling of paranoia creeping up on you as your stomach turned. But what was it? So far nothing screamed danger and the man wasn't...so bad, or at least you wanted to think, but there was something that made you think otherwise. And what it was that made you feel such way, you couldn't pinpoint.

It was enough that the whole trip to Mandalore was an anxiety fest, you didn't want it a second time around, although you already felt it coming on. "Why didn't we meet somewhere less...suspicious."

"Because, suspicious areas are areas people would stay away from. If I gave you intel in public who knows who's watching, let alone, spying and plotting our sudden deaths. I don't know you, but I like living." Rolling your eyes as the man reached a door, you suddenly latched onto his arm.

"Wait!" You shouted, the man narrowing his eyebrows. "Why are we going in there? Can't you just tell me what you know out here?" Seeing the man eye your hand, then back up at you, you sighed. "Hello?!"

"Seeing as I have evidence and a ton of information and files...I think it's best I give them to you," Slowly sliding his arm from your grip, your eyes narrowed the slightest. It didn't feel right, none of it, all he had been saying sounded so... _planned_.

Nodding your head, you took a small step back as he turned around. "Alright..." Seeing as he slowly opened the door, your heart instantly skipped a bit as the anticipation had gotten to you, seeing nothing but an abandon room with more machines in it and a work table at a corner. "Is that the stuff over there?" You nudged your head as you walked in after.

"Yes, information on a few troops and officers, some is intel on future plans-"

"How do you know all of this?" You questioned as the man walked towards the table.

Chuckling, he shook his head, "I know people...and by people I mean rogue troopers. There are a lot out there who work in sanitation who hate it and would do anything to escape." Slowly nodding your head, you thought about Finn. "So they give us everything they know and can steal in order to share. They just want to be free of the First Order, so they'll do anything to help."

"And you trust them?" Lowering your blaster, your hand still griped tightly around it.

"Not fully, but just enough to get the things I need." He shrugged, looking through something.

Taking careful steps over as you kept your eyes locked onto him, you peeked over to see him ruffling through the papers. "And what is it exactly that you need?"

"Well, for starters-" Turning around a little too quickly for your liking, you lifted up your blaster as he pointed a finger gun at you, your eyebrows knitting, "-money."

"Money?" You questioned. "How can you get money from-" Feeling a sudden shift in the mood around you as your instincts were kicking in, your eyes widened the slightest. "You don't have intel, do you?!" Winking, he pulled the fake trigger on you, only for a group of men to appear from the darkness. "You son of a bitch! I knew you weren't to be trusted with!"

About the shoot the blaster, it was instantly knocked out of your hand by some sort of bat looking weapon, causing you to gasp as you looked over to the man. "Might I introduce you to this lovely group of men?" Eyeing the seven men surrounding you, you gulped, ready to pull out more weapons only for the same man with the bat to swing his weapon your way, but it stopped midway in the air.

"You-you bastard!" You spoke through gritted teeth, watching the bat float in the air as the man holding it seemed as if they had been struggling.

"I don't know what's going on or why it is that you are needed, but it was a great pay so, lovely Resistance captain-"

"Pay?! So you're not a smuggler?!" You shouted, only to see the surrounding men take a step closer.

"Of course not," He laughed, "I'm a bounty hunter and my bounty was set on you, captain." Narrowing your eyes, the man crossed his arms. "As I was saying-"

"Who?! Who would pay you to capture me? Who?!" You exclaimed, wanting to pull out your weapons but feeling as if you had you'd only regret it. "WHO?!"

"I am trying to get to that point!" The man shouted back as you kept your eyes on the man with the bat in the air. You weren't sure as to what was happening to him, but whatever it was, it was preventing him from attacking you. "These lovely men or the one and only-"

Eyeing the mans helmet, then shifting your eyes over to the ones nearby, your eyes widened. "The Knights of Ren," You nearly choked. "W-why would they want to-" Before you could even finish, something hit the back of your knees, sending you down as the man with the bat suddenly swung down on you and slammed it on the ground in front of you, missing by an inch.

"Yes, the Knights of Ren." Clapping his hand, you looked up with such anger, wanting to pounce. "My job here is done!"

Pulling your other blaster out and reader to fire, something rather harshly smacked against the back of your hand, causing the blaster to fall out as you winced. For sure you weren't going to let seven men take you, especially for no good reason. If Kylo was behind this, it was a sick joke and only gave you more of a reason to be seething and to be harsh towards him. "This is pathetic! You don't need me!" Being grabbed by your upper arm and pulled to your feet, you were faced by one of them.

"The supreme leader will be pleased we were able to do master Ren's work without his assistance." He spoke, causing you to blink as you had no idea what they meant. "The First Order is about to have the upper hand."

"What are-"

"Someone needs to keep her quiet," Another knight spoke, "She talks too much."

"Without a doubt this is her." One behind you stated. "It was said that it would be the one from the Resistance who is-"

"Me?! What's so important about me?!" You interrupted, frantically looking at the ones in front of you.

"You will learn soon enough, but for now, you must wait." Before you could even respond, something hit the back of your head roughly, sending you into complete darkness.

Lifting up your unconscious body in their arms as they had disarmed every possible weapon that had been on you and tossed it on the floor, the knight looked over to a pair of troopers who had been hidden. "Prepare the carrier, we will be heading back to the Finalizer."

This must have been why you were so worried from the beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *you can also find me on tumblr under the username 'kyloholic'*


	10. Where Is She?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Where is she? Where are they holding her?!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I start school once again on monday so updates may be becoming slower which is sad but I will try my best to post as much as I can! Any who, thank you for reading, enjoy me releasing my emo-ness onto this

There was nothing but heavy panting and feet hitting against the wet planets surface that sounded as the rain poured down rather hardly. Running hand in hand, Kylo had been leading you away from somewhere, rushing quickly as if someone had been chasing the two of you. This was it, this was his great escape, this was his chance for freedom and you were there by his side to help him.

"Come on, we're not too far out!" Kylo called out to you, darting across the land, swerving past trees and jumping over fallen branches and exposed roots. "We can do this, they won't find us!"

"Kylo!" You called out. "This-this is impossible, it's worthless!"

Narrowing his eyebrows, Kylo shook his head. "Why? This is what we needed! This is the freedom we desire in order for us to be together!"

"B-but...Kylo, this isn't right!" Feeling you stop in your tracks, Kylo turned around.

"What...what do you mean this isn't right? This is what we need, this is what we need so I can love you the right way! So we can be happy!" Kylo exclaimed as you shook your head.

"No, Kylo, this isn't what _we_ need. It's what _you_ need." Blinking, Kylo held tightly onto your hand.

"Y/n, we...we _do_ need this, I can't go back there, not ever again...I just, I need to be free of this...pain and darkness!" Watching you shake your head, Kylo gulped. "Don't do this, don't have second thoughts, please-"

"This is not what I'm meant for, this isn't the path I'm meant to take," Sliding your hand out of his hold, Kylo felt himself freeze up in his spot. "I'm sorry, but the light, I can no longer feel it."

"W-what, what do you mean?" Kylo nervously laughed, wanting to take a step forward but not being able to. "Please, please don't go, please stay with me..."

Shaking your head as you took another step back, two figures appeared from behind the darkness, Phasma and Hux standing at either side of you. "Y/n, no..." Staring at Kylo as he felt his chest heave, the Knights of Ren then appeared, surrounding the three of you as Kylo watched. "Don't do this!"

"You have no say, Kylo Ren. You've disobeyed me and lied, you have fallen to the light and _she..._ has fallen to the dark," Stepping out of the darkness, Snoke stood behind you. "You are no longer worthy of the title commander and master of the Knights of Ren," Placing a hand on your shoulder, Snoke continued on, "She is."

"Y/n, please! Don't do this!" He exclaimed, wanting to rush over to you and pull you away but finding himself glued to the ground. "Don't listen to him! The darkness, it doesn't need you, it isn't where you belong!"

"I'm sorry, Kylo...but this _is_ where I belong." Reaching a hand out, Kylos lightsaber lied in your palm. "This is mine now." Walking over to him, Kylo fell to his knees as he looked up at you. 

"Don't do this, this isn't you!"

"This _is_ me," Activating the lightsaber, you slashed it down, only for Kylo to shoot up in his bed from the sudden shock.

Rubbing his face, Kylo took in deep breaths, heart pounding against his chest as his sweat drenched his bare chest and forehead. For the past month or so, Kylo had been free of his night terrors, only dreaming of or about you and nothing but you--but after his meeting with Snoke, his fear took over.

His nightmare frightened him, most of the time his nightmares were about his past or fears, he hadn't had a single normal dream since stars knows when so when you had entered his life, that all changed. It was nothing but dreams about you, whether you were by his side, smiling at him and telling him everything's going to be okay, to even being his...it was all so calming. But then the revelation happened and Kylo's mind went dark once again.

This was exactly why Kylo didn't sleep much, the bags under his eyes growing far more worse as the days had passed as he had become sleep deprived, he didn't know how he was doing it he was just thankful that you took away some of his struggles for a little while.

But now his pain was back and you were the center of attention. He feared for you more than he feared for himself, he didn't want you falling down his path; you couldn't, you were too strong and filled with light. He couldn't allow it to happen. But he was becoming overwhelmed, too paranoid and going overboard that he was pushing you away. And he feared as if he pushed you over the edge.

Rubbing his face as he looked over his nightstand, he turned his attention to the window, looking out to the stars--if they were on Starkiller he was sure it would still be nighttime. He hated how little of sleep he was able to get, wanting more but unable to with the many things on his mind.

Like now, as he had found himself recovering from the nightmare, he felt an oh-too familiar tug in the force. He couldn't pick out as to what it was, but it wasn't a common one to feel around the Finalizer, let alone, around the First Order.

Standing up from his bed as his eyebrows knitted, Kylo tried focusing on the flow of the Force as to where it had been emitting from. It couldn't be Rey, there was no reason for her to be on the Finalizer. Couldn't be Luke because he wouldn't be stupid enough to do such a thing, at least not now. Definitely not his mother, his mother wouldn't walk blindly into a vessel she was unaware of (although she probably would just to see her son). So who or what was it? It was hard to grasp onto, it kept falling and it out and it was getting out of hand.

Then Kylo came to a sudden stop, head shooting up as if he singled out the life Force. It felt familiar, _too_ familiar, it couldn't have possible been-

Fluttering your eyes open as you felt the throbbing pain on the back of your head, your hand reached out to rub it only to realize you were lying on a bed. Instantly sitting up, you regretted it as the migraine grew stronger. Where the hell were you?

Eyeing the room, you realized it had nothing but a bed, a small closet and a bathroom in it, you slowly standing up from where you had been lying, rushing to the door and sighing as you realized it was locked. Of course it was locked, why wouldn't it be?

Walking over to the closet, you saw nothing but First Order related clothing, you instantly patting yourself down to feel none of your weapons on you. "Shit!" You hissed, checking the pockets of your vest only to find a communicator that was completely out of range. "Perfect...absolutely perfect..." Placing it back into your pocket, you heard the door knob shift, your head snapping in its direction only to see Hux standing there. "Oh great, not you." Throwing yourself back on the bed, he walked in and shut the door behind himself.

"I was not expecting our... _guest_ to be you, I am just as surprised." He spoke up as you looked over, eyebrows knitted. "It seems as if you are of great importance to the supreme leader."

"And why is that?" You sat up on your elbows as Hux leaned against the wall next to the door.

"I am not so sure," He rubbed his chin as your eyes narrowed, he was being a bit too casual for your liking. "Though it must be something important for the supreme leader to send out the Knights to get you without their master."

Blinking, you rolled your eyes. "Don't mention that bastard."

"Who, Ren?" Hux looked over to you as you threw your head back. "And all along I thought you two must've been on good terms with that attitude of yours."

"You don't know me, Hux, so don't act like you do." You snapped, Hux sighing as he stood up straight.

"I am not here to attack you, y/n-"

"Then why _are_ you here, Hux?" You questioned.

"I am curious as to why you are even here and why it is that the supreme leader desired your presence. This can't possibly be about intel or because you're a worthy member of the Resistance seeing as you're not locked up or being tortured...so what is it exactly?"

Rolling your eyes once again, you gave him a look, "You think I know? Really? Boy, you must be dumb, you're the general...go find out yourself." Swatting a hand, you lied back down.

"If it were that easy, then I would, but the supreme leader will not tell me anything. Something tells me Ren knows about this-"

"I bet he fucking does, that jackass." Gritting your teeth at the thought of Kylo, you felt yourself become wrathful. Was he using you all along? Did he purposely act kind towards you just to get close? Did he lie about loving you? The latter is what struck a nerve in you, love wasn't something you threw around easily, especially with you.

Just when you thought you were on good terms with the man, everything flipped on you. You told him everything, things you hadn't even told your best friends, you even cried in front of him--and this was your payback? Being kidnapped by his men for his supreme leader? You were fuming, absolute furious, you never wanted to see nor speak to that man ever again.

And if you had to, it would most likely involve your fists and his face.

Narrowing his eyebrows, Hux crossed his arms and took a small step. "Why does it feel like something happened between the two of you-"

"Nothing happened between the two of us, alright? I've never even spoken to the man. The moment you left my sight was the moment I escaped." You lied through your teeth and Hux caught onto it rather easily.

"Then why so quick to snap?" Taking another step as he watched you stare at the ceiling, you only lied on your elbows and looked over at him, glaring.

"I am _not_."

"The tone says it all, you're lying," He shrugged, causing your eye to twitch. You didn't know who you hated more at the moment--Kylo or Hux.

"Ugh, hop off," You groaned, "Aren't you supposed to be yelling at people to do shit or something? I don't know what you do but our general is much more nicer and amazing."

Squinting his eyes at you, he lightly scoffed. "No, I do not just randomly yell at people, that is what Ren does. Thank you very much." Hux stated as you screwed your eyes back.

"Are we seriously going to have small talk as if you didn't kill my parents or tried having _me_ killed?" Sitting up and crossing your arms, Hux sighed.

"Look...clearly you're alive, so everything's fine-"

"Ev-everything's fine?! Do not get me started, red head," You pointed a finger as you felt smoke leaving your ears. "Don't think that I haven't plotted any moves to attack you with now that it's just us two."

Taking a small step back, he lifted his hands up in defense. "Like I said, I did not come here to attack you-"

"Then why are you _still_ here? I rather rot in this room than speak with you." Glaring at him, Hux let out a small sigh.

"Are you hungry?" He mumbled as you arched an eyebrow. Since when did he care about your well being? "It's a simple question." About to say no, your stomach growled. "Thank you to your stomach, I will fetch some troopers to get you some dinner."

"Dinner?" You questioned, "Where the hell are we? The Finalizer?"

"Ring ding ding, you guessed it," He sarcastically stated as he wiggled his finger in the air, "According to our fake time, it's night time-"

"What time is it exactly?"

"About midnight-"

"Why the hell are you even awake now?" You questioned, "And how long have I been out?!"

"Being the general, I rarely sleep, and when I do it's the early hours of the day." He stated, turning around and aiming for your door, "And you were out for a good couple of hours-"

"How many?" You spoke through gritted teeth.

"Possibly six-"

"Six?!" You exclaimed. "This means I've been missing for six hours!" Clutching on to your hair, Hux sighed.

"Well, I can not help you there," And at that, he left you alone.

Taking in a deep breath, you tried not to panic, pulling out the small communicator and messing around with it in hopes it would work. "Come on, come on...we can't be that far off from Mandalore!" You quietly spoke, pushing the bottoms and banging the device against your hand. "Please please please!"

Hearing slight buzzing, you gasped, holding it close to your ear and hearing nothing but static. "Dammit!" Smacking the communicator, you pushed the talk button only to hear a ring, instantly tossing the device as you clutched onto your ears. "Ugh!"

Sitting back on the bed as you pulled your knees into your chest, you let out a puff as the air tossed your loose hair back. You should've listened to your guts, you shouldn't have gone to Mandalore. You should have listened to Kylo. _That doesn't make sense?_ Peeking your head up, you realized how Kylo _didn't_ want you going to Mandalore. Did he purposely say that to drive you into going although you felt as if you shouldn't have? Maybe it was all a mind trick he pulled off and was able to use a reverse mechanism on you.

"Stupid boy," You muttered, leaning your chin on your knees. It was smart of him to act concerned just so he could drive you into going, he knew how stubborn you were, and he knew if he kept pushing you'd go. "Stupid, stupid boy."

Sighing as you sat in silence, hearing the slight humming of the vessel, you took in a shaky breath as you felt your eyes water up. You couldn't believe you had allowed that man in, after knowing him for only a month he had seen parts of you no one else had--not even Finn. _How foolish of me_. Feeling a few tears slip, you mentally scolded yourself for being dumb enough to fall into his trap.

Of course Kylo Ren could never love you and of course Kylo Ren could never comfort you in the ways you needed. He _is_ Kylo Ren, the menace of the galaxy, _your_ enemy, what made you think it was a smart idea to believe in him? _I can't believe how weak I have become._

Rubbing the heels of your palms into your eyes as the tears slowly dripped down, you took in a shaky breath. How could you possibly think that something as good as someone loving you in that way could happen to you? It was enough that you had lost your family, did you honestly think someone would love a person as problematic as yourself? _You idiot._

Crossing your arms as you lied your forehead against them, you decided there was no point to hold the pain in, it wasn't like anyone was around to care about y/n y/l/n crying--so you let it all out. _I can't believe I was falling for him._

You wanted to scream, to punch holes in the walls, to yell as lowed as you could until you fainted; but at the same time, all you wanted to do was cry yourself to sleep...a really long sleep. You never thought something as obvious as Kylo Ren lying to you and stabbing you in the back could make you feel so broken. _I hate him!_

Haphazardly pulling on his attire, Kylo swiftly slid on his boots and cowl, tucking his head into his helmet as he stormed out. He couldn't be feeling this right, it couldn't have possibly been you on the ship, why would you be? You were too busy on a mission to be out on the Finalizer.

Rushing down the halls as his fists clenched at his side, Kylo suddenly felt a harsh pang in his chest, instantly stumbling to a side as his hand held onto the nearest wall, the other on his chest. It didn't feel right, and it didn't feel like his own pain, it felt more...broken and angry, more aggressive and spiteful. Who could be feeling such way that Kylo could easily sense it?

Standing up straight as a few officers passed by, Kylo rubbed his chest. The pain felt too strong, it felt too close, why would anyone be feeling such way when they were too busy?

But then it hit him, this wasn't anyone, it couldn't be, why would he be randomly feeling someone else's pain when he had no desire to? _Y/n?_ Snapping his head in the direction he was going to, his strides became longer as his steps became quicker. You couldn't possibly be on the spacecraft, there was no chance you could. Why would you? It wasn't like Hux was out to kidnap you or anything, so there was no reason for you to even be there.

Then he thought there was a chance that maybe his senses were off, that he was focusing too much on you from his nightmare that it almost felt as if you were right there in walking distance. There was no chance you were there, it was nothing but his paranoia, it must've been.

Taking in deep breaths as you had rubbed your face with your sleeves, you heard the door open as a trooper walked in, delivering your food and lying it on your bed. "Eat. The supreme leader would like to speak with you shortly." At that, the door was shut, your heart jumping at the thought of having to come face to face with their 'supreme leader'.

Looking at the food, you took in a deep breath, feeling no desire to eat although your stomach had been whining. Picking up a spoonful of what ever it must've been, you tried it, only to gag. There was no way you could eat it, you were completely nauseous as it is from crying and your anxiety, let alone--it tasted absolutely horrific.

Pushing the tray to a side, you lied on your side and stared at the wall across from you. How were you going to get out of this mess? Let alone, escape? The first time was easy because you had help, but this time around, you were sure your help was not going to let you go.

Why did he want you? Let alone, the supreme leader? Why did the man send off his apprentices own Knights to do Kylo's job? Was Kylo busy? It didn't seem like it when he had holo-padded you earlier...so what was it exactly? Was it all part of a plan?

The more you thought about it, the more sick you grew. You had the desire to do nothing _but_ puke. You couldn't believe the situation you had now found yourself in all because of one man.

Surrounding your door, one of the six figures punched the code of your door in, watching door open as they saw your figure lie there. You had no desire to sit up and face whoever it had been, in all honesty, your moping made you feel drained to the point you weren't up for back talking or attacking. "The supreme leader requests your presence."

Shifting your eyes from the wall, over to where the door was, you let out a breath--there was no use in fighting any of them, you knew it must've been the Knights from the change of tone--so you simply sat up and faced them. "You should have ate."

"And you should have left me alone." Standing up, you casually kicked the communicator under the bed without them noticing it, walking over to them and out the room, seeing the other four standing there. Of course they would be circling you like prey, it wasn't like you were going to do anything drastic...well, if you _had_ the energy and desire to, you would've.

Walking in between the six of them, you felt as if you were a prisoner being transferred to another cell in a different wing. All the looks you had been receiving only made the situation far more worse, you felt more of a inmate than a damn guest. "You will not disobey, back talk, or disrespect the supreme leader," The Knight on your left spoke up. "And you will not do anything foolish or out of place."

"You make it seem as if I'd listen to you," You spoke up, not even bothering to look at them.

"You will listen because if you do not you will find yourself stuck with the First Order and will never see the Resistance again." Slightly gulping, you turned your head to glare at the man for his tactics, his threat sounding real but absolutely pointless. It wasn't like they could stop you from escaping. "We are here."

Looking over to the door, you narrowed your eyes as they all walked in in the same formation, you being pushed in as your jaw nearly dropped at the dark, yet vast, room you had walked in. What was the point of having a throne-like room on a damn flagship? "Supreme leader." One of the Knights spoke up.

"You've brought the girl?" The eerie voice rung in your ears, sudden chills running down your spine as your skin crawled. Slowly turning to face where the sound had been emitting from, your eyes widened at the rather large hologram. "Excellent." Pushing you forward to the front, you stumbled as you struggled in their grip. "This is her..." He stated, rubbing his chin as he studied you. "I can feel it."

"Feel what?" Being harshly tugged on, you snarled.

"That is enough," The man spoke up, "Leave her with me." Staring up at him as you blinked, the Knights bowed before exiting the room. "The Resistance captain, hmm?" Taking in a breath, your eyes shifted around his holographic face. "Never expected it to be you...your parents did not have such quality in them..."

"What quality?" You asked, feeling your stomach turn the longer you looked at the man.

"It must have been dormant in you all along...I have never felt it so... _strong_ before..." Narrowing your eyebrows, you gulped. "Tell me, do you feel different?"

"I feel upset, that's what I feel! I am being held hostage, or _guest_ , as your men say!" You snapped, taking in a breath as the supreme leader evilly chuckled, the sound vibrating through the walls and causing you to shiver.

"Such anger is felt within you...and pain, so much pain," Leaning forward, you clenched your jaw. "Yet, I do not feel the darkness in you..."

"What?" You whispered.

"At least, not yet...you feel so much negativity, so much passion in you, it is bound to awaken in you just like _it_ had."

"Awaken? I will never fall for the dark side, the light is _my_ home-"

"Is it? Is that why you keep such pain to yourself? Is that why you are so...wrathful? No one on the light survives that long with such feelings within them. The dark, it calls to you-"

"No, no! It does not!" You exclaimed.

"You will see...you will see, my dear child. Once you are fully aware of the wonders held within you, you will come to realize where you truly belong." Shaking your head, you took a small step back.

"No, I truly belong with the light, my home! With my people! I do not belong here! I have _nothing_ to offer you," You seethed.

"Oh, but you do." Narrowing your eyes for a moment, the supreme leader leaned forward even more. "The change you are feeling, the strength and newfound abilities, it is growing...you feel it but choose not to acknowledge it..."

"Wha-"

"The Force...it is very strong in you, Ren will be pleased." Gulping, you shook your head.

"F-force? Ren?"

"Kylo Ren can and _will_ teach you the right ways of the Force, after all, you _are_ Force sensitive..." At that, the man faded off, the Knights walking back in and guiding you back out as you had stood there stunned.

Force sensitive? Had Kylo known this all along and chose not to inform you? Let alone, hide it from you for this very moment?

 _Force sensitive_ , the words rung in your head the entire walk back, _Force sensitive_ , shouldn't you have known that you were? _Force sensitive...it all makes sense now._

From the sixth sense of feeling as if something was wrong, to being able to pilot so well all of a sudden, to even reading other languages you had never heard of before...how could you not have concluded you were Force sensitive?

Being practically shoved into the room you had been staying in, you turned around, about to go off until they shut the door on you. "Harsh..." Turning to face the bed, you let out a sigh. How could so much happen in one day? And how could it happen to you? _It's all Kylos fault_. Looking at the food that still sat on the edge of the bed, you turned your head away as you crawled back into the same spot you had been sitting in earlier.

Did the supreme leader honestly think you were willingly going to be Kylo Ren's apprentice? Let alone, want to even go near the man who you now despised? _No_. At the moment, you couldn't stand the man, all the bubbly feelings you had once felt for him all popped and turned into flames.

Sure, you could have been overreacting, you should have expected this in the first place...but you didn't. _It's my fault anyways_. Throwing your head back as it leaned against the wall, you took in a shaky breath, feeling the water works coming up again. As much as you hated crying, that was the only way you could release your pain.

And if it wasn't crying, you probably would've personally gone out of your way to find Kylo and yell at him for all the wrong he had done you, then kick him real hard where it hurt and escape. You wanted nothing to do with that man, not now, not _ever_. Out of all things he had done, how could he have kept the biggest secret away from you? _Pathetic_.

. . .

Kylo found himself frozen, unable to differentiate what was real from what was fake--it felt unbearable, the pain in his chest. It was such pure hate, such envy that was too much for one person to hold. Why was he getting this vibe from you? Was it something he had done? Was that why you had snapped on him earlier? It couldn't be...he had no power to make you that infuriated.

Or did he?

Wishing he could rub his head, Kylos fists tightened as he turned around and walked back to his quarters. This was absolutely pointless aimlessly walking down the halls when he couldn't truly understand what he was sensing.

Barging back into his room and sitting on his bed as he tossed off his helmet, his face lied in his hands as his fingers dug into his skin, mind being split in different directions as he tried and tried focusing everything on you and _only_ you. But something was preventing it, as if there was a block. You couldn't have done this, you weren't _that_ strong with the Force, you were fairly new and had no idea that you were Force sensitive...so why was it such a hassle?

"Commander, sir!" A voice rung from outside his door, "The supreme leader has requested your presence!"

Slowly standing up and reaching for his helmet, Kylo felt his heart throb in his chest as it ached, sliding the disguise on as he aimed for his door. He felt sick to his stomach, the desire to puke growing in him with every step he took and every thought of seeing the supreme leader. He couldn't figure out why he all of a sudden felt anxious, but the moment he had stepped out of the room and was greeted by a trooper--Kylo felt nothing but negativity in the air.

Not even bothering to acknowledge the troop, Kylo swiftly walked down the corridors, his heart beating faster and faster with every step he took. He knew, he knew for a fact something was wrong, and it was only making him nauseous.

"Kylo Ren," Snoke spoke up as Kylo had walked in. "You must have sensed it..." Looking up at Snoke, he quietly gulped. "The Force budding against your own, it is thick within the flow, it's calling to you...you feel it, do you not?"

"I feel...I feel it, I feel _something_..." Kylo admitted, "I feel something I can't quite comprehend."

"Look deeply, Kylo Ren, the assurance you desire...is ahead." Blinking from behind his helmet, Kylo took in deep breaths. "The Force...your apprentice, you can feel them, you can..." Feeling his stomach turn as his thoughts were scattered, his breathing nearly stopped along with his thinking--everything freezing up as his focus fell on one thing. _Y/n?!_ "The last wielder is in our hands, and she will soon be of good use to us. Prepare yourself, Kylo Ren, for she will be in your hands."

Taking small steps back as the hologram faded, Kylo instantly turned around and sprinted out. He couldn't care less that it was an uncommon sight to see that the commander was running, he couldn't care if had nearly trampled his own men while running down the halls, he couldn't even care if he actually felt tears pricking in his eyes--all he cared about was finding you.

His instincts were right all along, but how could've Snoke found you? Let alone, who could have possibly brought you onboard?

You must've been scared, terrified, losing your mind--Kylo could easily feel that--but he knew, he knew you were livid, you were being held against your own will and he never had wanted this to happen. Ever.

"Y/n?!" He shouted as he slammed a door open, seeing a completely barren room. Taking a few steps back, he checked the following room, then the following, then a whole row of rooms, forcing doors open and shouting your name. Still, no hope. "Y/n?!" He shouted into another.

Feeling his panic grow far more worse within himself, Kylo felt his breathing become faster, chest tightening as he felt almost as if he had been lost trying to find you. The world around him was moving slow with ever kick and shove of a door. How had no one notice this yet?

"Y/n?!" He called out, not giving up on the idea of finding you. He knew you were here, he could feel your presence now. But where were you in this rather large vessel? "Y/n?! Y/n!"

Quietly standing up from your bed and moving over to the door, an idea popped into your head, hand slowly reaching towards the keypad as you hovered it over the numbers. If you were, in fact, Force sensitive, then you must've been able to pick doors open...right? _There's only one way to find out_. Setting all your focus on the keypad as your hand floated there, the red circle instantly turned green as the door slid open, your eyes widening as your heart flipped--maybe you weren't stuck here forever. _I'm free!_

Turning around, the stormtrooper guarding your door eyed you, a sigh being released from your lips as they shut the door again. _Or not._

Throwing yourself on the ground, you groaned, how else were you supposed to sneak out if there was a trooper right at your door? _I need a plan._ Sitting up in your spot, you went on your knees as you reached for the communicator under your bed, messing around with the buttons as you heard static. "C'mon, c'mon, someone's gotta hear me!" You loudly whispered, "If anyone can hear me, it's your captain--Y/n Y/l/n--I'm being held hostage on the Finalizer!" You spoke into it, only hearing more static. "Ugh!" Tossing it across the room with such force that it split open, you fell back on the floor once again.

Eventually, they would have to let you out of your room for when you would have to meet Kylo, maybe then you could escape, but that didn't mean the Knights wouldn't be the ones to escort you-- _I'm screwed_. Letting out a sigh, you shut your eyes, not wanting to deal with reality. If you could at least be free in your dream world, then there was that.

Storming down the halls as he turned a corner, Kylo was about to barge into another room, that is until his eyes landed on the stormtrooper standing guard in front of a door. The faster Kylo's pace grew, the stronger he could feel you--you had to be in _that_ room. "Commander?"

"I must enter that room," He demanded.

"Sir, this is-" Shoving the man away as he forced the door open, he walked in, eyeing the room only to furrow his eyebrows. "This is an inmates cell, they are being held for treachery." The trooper stated as Kylo's jaw clenched along with his fists. _It isn't her._

"Where is she?" He growled.

"Where is who?" The trooper questioned as Kylo backed out, feeling his chest grow even tighter as his head spun. He could have sworn he felt your presence grow stronger the closer he grew to the room.

"WHERE IS SHE?!" Kylo shouted at the stormtrooper, latching onto his lightsaber as if he was about to pull it out and activate it. "WHERE ARE THEY HOLDING HER?!" Leaning back as the commander had grown dangerously close, the trooper gulped at the sound of Kylo's voice modulator cracking from how loud he had been screaming.

"Sir, I have no idea who you are-" Fighting the urge to Force choke him, Kylo slammed his shoulders against the troopers own as he furiously walked on.

Kylo knew what he was feeling, it was you, it was your Force that was being present. But why did it falsely lead him? He was positive that you were supposed to be right there...not some prisoner of some sort. So what was it? Was he imagining all of it? Or were you falsely misleading him for no apparent reason?

Storming across the hall as your Force grew less and less, Kylo let out a snarl, now--nor ever--was it the time for you to be playing tricks on him. But how could you? It wasn't like you were aware of doing such things, let alone, even knew how to. Aside from being worried, Kylo was now furious, an itching to explode right there and then.

. . .

"You've done the dark side well, y/n..." Hearing the eerie voice speak up from behind you, you gazed at your surroundings, "The war is over, the First Order has won," Seeing dozens upon dozens of bodies surrounding you, slaughtered and lying there, you had found yourself completely emotionless. "You've done it, you've defeated the Resistance." Feeling a small tug at your ankle, you slowly looked down to see Finn pleading for mercy.

"Don't...don't do this-"

"Finish him, finish him and you will finally rule the galaxy." Seeing the pain in Finn's eyes, you activated the lightsaber in your grip, raising it up and swinging it down. "Finish him!"

Waking up in puddle of your own tears as you gasped for air, you blinked away the burning sensation in your eyes as you sat up, looking around the room and frowning. You had hoped your nightmare was just that and nothing more, fearing it to be some sort of prophecy or sign.

Taking in a deep breath as you pulled your knees into your chest, your heart raced harshly against your chest--you had never felt _this_ fearful in your life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *you can also find me on tumblr under the username 'kyloholic'*


	11. Toy With Abilities

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Because I'm some sort...some sort of toy with abilities!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> quick note that this chapter was way longer but i decided to shorten it up bc i love being a jerk and leaving things with cliff hangers so :)
> 
> *you can also find me on tumblr under the suername 'kyloholic'*

There was a state of panic within the Resistance--or at least amongst a small group within the organization. It had been a full twenty-four hours since Leia, herself, had last heard from you. After the twelve hour mark, she had become worried, not receiving a single message from you or even hearing about your arrival (if you even had). "Something isn't right..." She spoke up to Rey and Luke. "She isn't gone, I can feel her...but somethings not right, I haven't heard from her."

"Didn't you say you heard something from the communicator?" Rey curiously asked.

"I was unsure, one of the officers was trying to check it out and trace where the signal was coming from...but nothing, it was deep space and couldn't get an exact location." Rubbing her forehead, Leia leaned on her desk.

"I feel her as well," Luke stated, "But not as well as you must..." Looking over at Rey, she gulped, focusing everything on you.

"Please...please tell me she's alright..." Leia stood up straight once again as Rey's eyebrows knitted.

"I-It's hard to sense her, y/n was never the easiest person to read...let alone, _feel_..." Rey sighed. "But...I do feel something, it isn't much-"

"What is it?" Leia eagerly asked as she approached Rey.

"It's...it's pain? No...fear...its a mixture of emotions. There's anger in her as well as despair and...disappointment?" Furrowing her eyebrows even more, Rey shook her head, "The last one is what I feel the most? As if...she had been let down?" Looking up at Luke and Leia, the two exchanged looks.

"Why would that be?" Luke asked Leia.

"I'm not so sure? She was fine these past few weeks...although lately she's been very busy, but she hasn't complained?" Rubbing her face, Leia sighed. "I fear it's something we've been unaware of..."

"Her emotions are hard to understand at times, she is very well at keeping them hidden...which only worries me, had she planned this?" Luke asked.

"No," Leia instantly responded, "She wouldn't go out of her way to worry us, let alone, withdraw from the Resistance...she's too loyal."

"Then what could it be?" Luke questioned. "Was she kidnapped?"

"She couldn't have been, who on Takodana would do that?"

"Takodana?" Rey asked. "Her mission was not on Takodana?"

"W-what do you mean?" Leia's eyebrows scrunched up as she suddenly felt her stomach turn. "Her assignment was to specifically visit Takodana-"

"No, it wasn't..." Rey shook her head, "I had ran into her before she left and she told me she had to go to Mandalore-"

"Mandalore?!" Leia exclaimed, eyes widening as her heart fell to the pit of her stomach. "Who-who told her to go to Mandalore?"

"I'm not so sure, I saw the mission statement and it clearly said Mandalore?" Reys eyebrows narrowed once again.

"No, that isn't right...there was not a single mission to visit Mandalore...we don't associate with them?" Leia panicked, "Who could have done this? Falsely mislead her and give her the wrong information?!"

"Leia-"

"No, Luke, she means the universe to me. That girl is like a _daughter_ to me, she has no one left but us...I can not let this happen," Her voice lowered as her jaw clenched the tightest. "We need to get as much information about that mission as we can." Aiming for the door, Rey called out.

"Wait! Are we not going to consider who must've done this?" She spoke up, Luke and Leia looking at one another, then at Rey. "The First Order, it must've been. They kidnapped her once...they'll do it again, except this time, they will be extra cautious."

. . .

Hearing the door slide open as you had now been lying on the bed, not even under the sheets as you had curled up into a ball, one of the Knights walked in. "She didn't eat anything."

"It was told that she had left her food from last night...of course she would leave her food now."

"You speak as if I am not here," You spoke carelessly, eyes swollen from crying as you harshly clutched onto the bed sheets. As much as it must've been a whole day since you last ate, your appetite was nonexistent and your body wasn't up for digesting food.

"I suggest you do it, you will soon have important matters to attend to." Rolling your eyes, you switched sides you had been lying on, now facing the opposite wall.

"I will not be your foolish commanders _pet_ ," You spat, "I am no mans _toy_."

"Save the tough talk for later, you have no energy to defend yourself-"

"Is that a threat?" You snapped as you had rather quickly sat up, feeling lightheaded all of a sudden.

"Like I said, you have no energy to defend yourself." The knight spoke as you gritted your teeth. "Clean yourself up and change, at least have the decency to stay hygienic." And at that, they left you with clenched fists and narrowed eyes.

Looking over to the bathroom, you slowly stood up, feeling weak as your head began to throb--you just wanted to evaporate--anything but be the First Orders pawn. This wasn't the way you wanted to die, not in the hands of the First Order, and definitely not by starvation.

Shutting the door behind you as you haphazardly peeled off your clothes, you stepped into the small shower-tub and turned on the water, feeling the warm pelts hit your tense skin as your body shivered. At least you could shower and not sit and rot in your own filth.

You felt so much at once, you had never felt this way before, even with your parents death you had others with you by your side for support. But now, now you were alone and afraid. You were broken, to say the least, the man you slowly had fallen in love with-- _I guess that's was what it was_ \--had betrayed you. He lied to you and caused you all this trouble you were now in only because he needed an apprentice to defeat the Resistance with.

He wanted to use you and you weren't sure what you were more upset about--the fact that he used something as delicate as love to trick you or the fact that he slithered his way into your life and made you so weak that you opened up to him like a blooming flower. You felt disgusted, heartbroken, and distraught.

You were beginning to trust this man after he had _begged_ for it. If only you had known it was all an act just to get to you.

 _Stupid, so stupid_. How could you have not figured out that the commander of the First Order was just using you? How foolish were you to believe that he _actually_ loved you? The young woman who was captain of the Resistance and was always so damn bitter and violent.

Your mind was all over the place, and as much as you tried cleaning yourself up, you only found yourself on your knees crying your life away. Never had you imagined you'd be shedding so many tears for such man.

. . .

It had been hours since Kylo had first felt your presence, hours since he had been searching for you, if you were supposed to be his future apprentice...why hadn't the supreme leader told Kylo where you would be held? Why was it such a mission to find you on the Finalizer? And who exactly knew?

Then something hit him, only a certain few were 'friendly' with the supreme leader, the only ones who were able to speak to the supreme leader without being summoned--Kylo himself and Hux.

"Where is the general?" Kylo harshly spoke towards an officer as they stood there with fear in their eyes, quickly pointing in one direction before Kylo snapped his head over and stormed off, leaving the officer to cower away. If anyone were to know something, it would be the general. "Where is she?" He spoke up, clenching his fists as Hux's back was facing him.

"Where is she, who?" He spoke, standing there with his arms crossed behind his back as he overlooked his men at work.

"You know exactly who I am talking about, general, where is _she_?" He spoke in a more demanding manor.

"You need to be more specific on who exactly you must be talking a-" Slightly choking on his own words as he had turned around, Hux tugged on his collar. "You cannot force things out of me, Ren." He seethed as Kylo took a step closer.

"You know...yet you will not tell me, why is that?" He tilted his head the slightest.

"Why do you care so much? It isn't like she wants to see you." He smirked, turning back around on his heel as Kylos jaw clenched.

"What...do you mean?"

"My words are not hard to comprehend, Ren. She does not want to see you, as simple as that." Feeling his heart thump harshly, Kylo gulped. "I've never seen anyone dislike you more--asides myself--than she does," He snickered, "And I thought she had _loathed_ me instead."

Flaring his nostrils as his fists grew tighter, Kylos teeth gritted with fury, "You know nothing."

"I know a lot more than you do, and what I know is...she has no interests in being around _or_ near you." He spoke over his shoulder. "But if you insist on knowing as to where she is, I suggest you look _deeper_ , maybe then you will find her." Catching the hint in the generals tone, Kylos heart skipped a beat. "As much as I should keep all of this to myself...I would love to see--or at least hear about--how a woman snapped on Kylo Ren with no fear but pure anger in her eyes." Roughly turning around and storming off, Hux smirked, "Good luck, commander!"

Rushing down the halls in all his glory as fellow First Order men and women cleared the halls, Kylo could hear his heart pounding against his ears, breathing growing heavy as his chest heaved harshly. He was filled with panic--Hux's tone was mocking but it sounded very truthful and Kylo did not like that one bit. But why would you feel such way towards Kylo? What was causing such anger within you?

Kylo was desperate to see you, to tell you none of this was his idea and if he could he would set you free, but the second he step foot into your room he knew he was going to regret ever finding you.

"Commander, sir." The stormtrooper bowed his head, stepping to aside as he knew well enough not to get in the commanders way. "The code is-"

"I don't need it." Watching as the door slid open, Kylo instantly walked in, heart rapidly pounding against his chest as he could feel your presence practically embracing his own with how close you two were.

Walking out of the bathroom with water dripping from your hair and being covered up in a robe--which you were surprised they even left for you--a sudden feeling of recognition echoed throughout your soul as if you could feel a presence of someone you knew. Looking up from tying the robe, your eyes widened at the sight of Kylo standing there, head turned in your direction as if he had just walked in.

Blinking, your fists only balled up as your teeth clenched, eyebrows furrowing as your eyes slightly squinted. "You bastard!" You shouted as the man fully turned towards you. "This is all your fault!" Unable to scream any louder as your head was spinning, you took in a deep breath as you placed your palm against your temple.

"Y/n, listen-"

"I don't want to speak with you ever again, I don't even want to look at you!" You spat, looking at him with such disgust. "You lied to me! You lied to me all because...because I'm some sort of weapon to you!"

"N-no-"

"Shut up! This is your fault! I can't believe I could open up myself to a man such as yourself!" You snarled, shaking your head as Kylo had taken a stop closer. "Don't you dare come any more near-"

"Y/n, please, listen." Reaching to remove his helmet, tossing it onto your bed as he lifted his hands up in defense, you stormed towards him and shoved him away.

"I don't want to listen! I don't even want to look at you!" You shook your head, looking at the ground rather than himself as you continuously slammed your palms against his stomach. "I was kidnapped because of you! Held hostage because of you! And now I am going to be bait because of you! Because I'm some sort...some sort of toy with abilities!" Widening his eyes, Kylo took in a deep breath.

"No..."

"Oh, you didn't think I'd find out?" You sniffled as you looked up at him, tears pricking in your eyes and spilling out. "You didn't think I'd find out that I was fucking _Force sensitive_ , did you?! You-you thought it would be smart to hide that from me so I wasn't aware that you were just _using_ me!"

"I was not using you, I promise-"

"Bullshit! Kylo Ren does not love, I should have known that," You snarled, tightening your fists, "Kylo Ren only knows how to manipulate and use people to make them open up and allow him in so he could tear you in half and betray you later on and make you his puppet!"

"Y/n, I-"

"You had me open like some damn book that was impossible for others to read and comprehend, you learned things about me no one else knew and you-and you did that all because you needed an apprentice!" You cried out. "I bet you don't even actually love me!"

"Don't say that, of course I love you-"

"No, you don't! You don't use people you claim to love! You don't tear them apart and stab them in the back the second you need to make them your pet!" You seethed. "I can't believe I fell for it all, I can't believe I was foolish enough to let you in!"

Feeling his anger resurface, Kylo's jaw clenched as his fists balled up. "You never truly let me in!" Kylo shouted back as you glared at him.

"Fuck you! I did! I cried in front of you, I told you about my sister, I even went out of my way to _see_ you...and you're telling me I never let you in?!" You shoved him again. 

"I tried so hard to get in because I saw the pain in your eyes! You're stubborn and you won't let anyone see the real side of you that's broken and weak! That side, that side is the side I wanted to see because I wanted to be there for you! I wanted to be the only one you'd go to!" Kylo shook his head as he had pushed your arms down. "I wanted to help you free yourself from it all because I couldn't stand the thought or sight of you suffering!"

"Bullshit!" You smacked his hands away.

"Don't give me that! You know I love you!" Kylo pointed.

"If you love me you wouldn't allow me to be here in the first place! You're a conniving son of a bitch! You're an asshole who just wedged your way into my life just to screw me over!" You pushed him back.

"I haven't done anything to you! All I've done is _love_ you! And what have you done?! You sit there and treat me like I'm nothing! You have your moments where I can see the affection in your eyes and I can sense that you feel _something_ but you never do anything about it because you're too stubborn! You think you're too fucked in the head and have a fucked up life when I have it just as bad and I still fucking love you and fucking show it!" Feeling your mouth fall open, you instantly smacked him across the face, palm burning as Kylo shifted his jaw. "You can call me all the names you want, say I'm a liar and a bastard, but I've own up to my feelings and at least I said I love you." Grabbing his helmet, Kylo aimed for the door and looked over at you, "Unlike you." Storming out of the room, you gulped, blinking away the newfound tears as you felt your knees grow weak.

All of a sudden you felt nothing but regret and heartbreak, enough to make you want to fall into a deep void and never come out.

Slipping his helmet on as he stormed back to his living quarters, Kylo hadn't realized he had been tearing up until his vision blurred, heart snapping in half as he felt a scream build up in his throat. Never had he felt so guilty yet so satisfied that it was eating him alive.

Rushing into his private quarters, Kylo peeled off his helmet and harshly tossed it to a side, unhooking his lightsaber and tossing it across the room, the hilt slamming against the glass coffee table and causing it to shatter. Taking in deep breaths as he panted, Kylo haphazardly tore off his clothes, standing there in just his pants as he felt his body temperature rise while the tears streamed down his face.

Screaming at the top of his lungs, Kylo ripped off his gloves and instantly slammed his balled fist into the metallic wall, leaving a harsh indent as the skin of his knuckles bruised up. Although he was sure that he had fractured the bone of his knuckles, he couldn't give a single damn about the physical pain--all he could feel was his heart shattering.

"FUCK!" He shouted so loudly that his voice bounced off of his living quarters walls and echoed throughout the room.

Falling to his knees, he panted as his chest tightened, heart aching while he sat there and cried. He had felt so much distress, almost as if he had lost you to the hands of death--but death didn't seem as cruel as you hating him.

Crying out as his hands clutched onto the material of his pants, his head dropped as he tugged at his hair, gritting his teeth as he wanted nothing but for the pain in his chest and on his mind to go away. He should've expected something like this to happen when he thought he had finally found some peace within himself.


	12. I Wasn't Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I wasn't enough to stop her."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I’m gonna say that I know starvation as a sensitive topic and many suffer from it and I want to warn you that it’s gonna be an issue in this part so if you aren’t fond of the topic or it’s a sort of trigger, I’m sorry n pls don’t read. Your health is v important to me and I don’t want any of you to be offended by this.

There was so much regret in you, you were blinded by hate that you didn't even think about the possible fact that maybe Kylo had been protecting you for a reason. But still, a part of you couldn't help but feel infuriated, because--in the end--he was the commander and should've prevented all of this from happening. _At least a warning in advance would've been nice._

But you still felt yourself slipping into that void of pain and agony, your chest aching as your breathing had become staggered. The tears were messy and you couldn't seem to stop--if you had hated Kylo as much as you claimed to, you wouldn't be crying over him.

You were so frustrated, his last words lingered in your head on repeat as the guilt tore you into a million pieces-- _at least_ _I said I love you, unlike you_ \--it was clawing at the back of your mind. Why would he think that you had felt the same way towards him? Did he just assume you had? Or maybe it was the fact that he sensed it off of you but you could never admit to it, let alone, look into such feelings.

Clutching onto your arms as you had wrapped them around yourself, you leaned the side of your head against the wall as you sat there and took in deep breaths, tears streaming down your cheeks. No matter how much hate you had filled inside, you couldn't find it within yourself to truly loathe the man that was Kylo Ren.

Hearing a knock on the door, you instantly wiped your tears away as you stood up, nearly losing your balance as you had felt lightheaded before sitting on your bed. "Y/n?" Hearing the door slide open, you looked over to see it was Hux, only to roll your eyes. "I was informed you had yet to eat anything."

"I'm not hungry." You blatantly responded.

"That's a lie, you haven't eaten in over a day, you must be starving-"

"Don't act like you care," You glared at him.

"Seeing as you are under my care now and seeing as you will be a big addition to the First Order, I _need_ to care...especially when you are very important to the supreme-"

"And that's the _only_ reason why you care, to kiss ass, not because you're actually worried about my well being. Why would you be? You almost _killed_ me." You seethed as Hux took in a deep breath.

"Please eat your food, it's in both of our best interests," Seeing a trooper walk in with a try of food as they lied it on your bed, you eyed the food, seeing it had been a tad bit more decent looking than the gunk they served you before. "I don't need you dying of starvation."

"I don't intend to." Looking back ahead, Hux shook his head at your stubbornness. "How did he find me?"

"He, who?" Looking over at him with an arched eyebrow, Hux rolled his eyes, "Ah, Ren. Well, he must've sensed you-"

"You told him, didn't you?" You crossed your arms.

"Not entirely...he insisted I tell you, I just told him a sort of riddle. I guess he must've found you easily after trying to search for you after so long. I was told Ren had been randomly rushing down halls and slamming doors open screaming your name-" Feeling your heart sink, you gulped, "-but who knows as to why...must've been furious because the supreme leader didn't properly introduce the two of you."

Scoffing, you nodded, "Yeah...that must be it, alright."

Arching an eyebrow, Hux cleared his throat. "Anyways, you will be properly meeting the commander soon as you two will be holding your first training session."

Blinking, you instantly shook your head, "W-what? Already? W-why?!"

"Is there a problem?" He questioned as you shook your head. "Then, see to it that you eat your meal so you will have some energy in you to train and not irritate the commander. I've already gotten word that there was horrendous noises coming from his room." Growing sick to the stomach, you looked away rom Hux as you swallowed hard. "Good luck."

Hearing the door shut, you felt the tears resurface--so Kylo had been searching for you without a clue as to where you were...but why? Wouldn't he have known? And why was he making a ruckus in his room? None of it had made sense to you and it was only tearing apart the back of your mind as you wanted--no, _needed_ \--answers, and instantly...even if you had to wait a whole day to see him again.

. . .

As the day had dragged by and you had dismissed the food once again, night had fallen and you had found yourself rolling in your bed, unable to sleep well and nearly staying up all night. If it wasn't for the fact that you were dealing with so much on your mind, you were sure you would've ate, but each time you lifted up that spoon, you gagged.

It had nearly been two days since you had food, picking and scrapping on the meal here and there as your stomach couldn't take it--you were only growing worse by the minute. The mixture of anxiety and despair did not help you whatsoever, it made you sick to the stomach...literally.

So you had hoped that today, during training, you would be able to get the answers to your questions and hopefully be able to eat some of the lunch that was sitting on your bed...even if by then it would've been cold and tasteless.

Standing up from the bed and checking the closet, you changed into what you assumed to be your training attire--which consisted of merely a grey tank top, leggings, and a jacket (which you couldn't comprehend as to why you even needed one). Crouching down and trying to tie the sneakers on, you couldn't seem to focus on the simple task as you grew tired suddenly. Taking in a deep breath as you tried your best to keep your focus, you only felt yourself haphazardly tying them.

Standing up and feeling light headed again, you went over to the bed and picked up a spoonful of the food, trying to at least gain your appetite once again, only to gag--how were people supposed to eat pure gunk?

Hearing a knock on the door, you shoved the food to a side as you pulled your hair into a ponytail, seeing one of the Knights walk in. "We are here to escort you to training."

Rolling your eyes, you simply obliged and walked past them. "Don't you think your commander will be upset that you went on a mission behind his back?" At that, the man stayed quiet. "Or at least he wasn't aware you had me on this ship."

"Keep quiet, you have no say in our matters." The man snapped as you two walked, the other five Knights nowhere in sight. "Just because you will become our masters apprentice does not mean you will gain our respect easily, nor will we treat you any differently."

"I don't expect you to." You rolled your eyes as you kept your focus ahead. "Especially when you don't respect your own master."

"Quiet, girl." Letting out a sigh, you had the urge to just hit and run, but with the lack of energy--and enthusiasm--you had, you found yourself keeping quiet.

The walk to the training area (rather, room) wasn't that far off but it was enough to drain you. As much as you weren't up for combat, which was a first, you had to approach Kylo about the whole situation. You needed to know what in the galaxy Hux had meant.

"You will be training for an hour, once you are finished I will bring you back to your quarters. No questions asked." Pushing the door open and shoving you in, you nearly stumbled, looking back and snarling at the man before he shut the door.

Turning your head back around, your eyes trailed around the empty training room, seeing as Kylo was nowhere in sight. Maybe he had chickened out or maybe he was too upset from the previous day's event that he couldn't bear the fact to see you. Whatever it had been, you had found yourself roaming around the area and over to a back room, curiously walking in and seeing all the weaponry--from blasters to batons, even to false lightsabers that were basically plastic sticks. You had wondered if you would ever obtain a real one since you were, in fact, Force sensitive.

But at the same time you had hoped not, you didn't want to be Kylo's apprentice and you did _not_ want to work under the dark side. So maybe it was best you not receive your very own burning blade of destruction.

"What are you doing in here?" Hearing Kylo's voice come from behind you, you were the slightest of caught off guard, already sensing his presence just before. "I asked you a question-"

"What does it look like?" You looked over your shoulder, then turning around and walking past him as if yesterday's events hadn't happened.

Taking in a deep breath, Kylo turned around and followed after, slightly sniffling here and there as you had come to a stop. "Hand to hand combat."

"That's what we're doing?" You questioned as Kylo had blatantly spoke up.

"Yes." Blinking at him, you nodded your head. He didn't have to be so dry, even if you two had fought the day before.

" _Alright_..." Sighing, you suddenly felt your eyelids grow heavy. Forcing yourself to keep them open, you took in a deep breath, about to step closer only to feel the world around you spin as you grew dizzy. "Oh, what the h-" Before you could even finish, your whole body gave out and collided with the floor, Kylo instantly rushing and yelling as your eyes fluttered close to the sight of him grabbing onto you.

"Y/n? Y/n?!" Turning your body around as he held onto your face, panic raged through him. "Y/n?! Y/n!" Getting no response, Kylo swiftly pulled you into his arms and stood up, rushing out of the training room and down the hall. "Get out of my way!" He roared, holding tightly into you as he aimed towards the medical wing.

As much as you looked lifeless in his arms as you hung limp there, Kylo could still feel your life force and felt some of the weights on his shoulders lift up, but he still was panicking over the fact that you had just fainted. No matter how upset he must've seemed, you still were his number one priority.

"I need a doctor now!" He demanded as everyone in the med bay shuffled around, one bringing in a gurney as Kylo lied your unconscious body on it, almost a handful of nurses on you as they quickly moved you to a room. "What's wrong?! What is happening?!" His voice boomed. "Why did she faint?!"

"Commander, sir, we need you to remain calm...for all we know it could be something minor that triggered this-"

"I need to know now!" He ordered, voice modulator cracking as he followed the group into the emergency room. Gaining a few looks, Kylo's fists clenched, "She is my _apprentice_ , I need her to be okay!" He spoke through gritted teeth--he couldn't just tell people he was your lover, that just wouldn't sit well and definitely wouldn't end out right. "So tell me, doctor, what happened?"

Gulping, the doctor rushed around, nurses putting an oxygen mask on you amongst other tubes and wires to get your vitals. "Before she fainted, did she have any signs of fatigue?" The doctor questioned as Kylo blinked.

"How am I supposed to know? I just saw her-"

"Commander, sir, I need you to think back...did she or did she not seem like she was extremely exhausted?" The doctor looked over for moment as he checked your heart rate.

"Not entirely, just moments before she had collapsed...why? What does that mean?" Kylo eagerly asked as the doctor took in a deep breath.

"Was she having mood swings? Maybe in a foul mood recently?"

Thinking back to the fight Kylo had with you, he couldn't differentiate if you had been simply irritated over the situation or over-exaggerating, although he could sense you were having slight mood swings. "I-...yes. Why? Why does this all matter?"

"Her heart race is dangerously high while her immune system is quite weak , and from what I'm seeing, she's a bit pale-"

"What are you trying to tell me, doctor?" Kylo spoke with a harsh tone as the doctor swallowed hard.

"There...is a high chance that she's suffering from starvation-"

"Starvation?!" Kylo shouted, "How?! She's only been here for two days!"

"There's a possibility this has been happening beforehand...before she arrived on the Finalizer," The doctor winced as he spoke.

Gritting his teeth as he felt his heart pounding against his chest, Kylo's stomach turned as his attention turned to your unconscious body. "Are you trying to tell me she has been starving herself?"

"Yes-" Snapping his head back over, the doctor choked on his words as Kylo glared at him. "C-commander, all I-I am saying is...she could have been-been eating a lot less or n-nothing at all!"

"Why?! She wouldn't do that to herself!" He shouted, mental grip around the mans neck growing tighter.

"There-there could be m-many...factors! S-Sometimes it's out-out of trauma!" Gulping, Kylo's grip instantly loosened as the man gasped for air, standing there as his attention slowly turned to you. Why would you do this to yourself? Let alone, how had Kylo not noticed. "Is there any possibility...that she is or has been dealing with...something traumatic?"

"Yes." Kylo coldly stated, feeling his eyes burn. "I wasn't enough to stop it," He mumbled before rushing out, the doctor looking at him with confusion.

"W-..." Taking in a deep breath, the doctor turned his attention back to you.

Storming down the hall, shoving past officers and stormtroopers, Kylo rushed into your room to see the tray full with food. Clenching his fists, he took in a deep breath, how had none of the Knights--or even Hux--had mentioned something as major as not eating to Kylo? Especially when he was basically your guardian now. "General! Where is the general?!" Kylo snarled as he stalked out of the room. "WHERE IS HE?!" Reaching for his lightsaber, a trooper instantly spoke up.

"He is in his office, commander, sir!" The trooper bowed his head as Kylo charged off.

If Hux had known about you not eating, why hadn't he done anything? Let alone, why hadn't he told Kylo in the first place? Kylo was fuming, you were never meant to get hurt in any way (or even hospitalized) and he felt absolutely responsible.

Furiously walking down the halls and turning corners, the door to Hux's office instantly slid open as Hux looked up, Kylo barging in and ready to explode. "What do you want, Ren?" He waved a hand, not wanting to pay Kylo any mind as he felt it was a waste of his time.

"You knew, didn't you?" Kylo glared.

"You are being vague again," Hux sighed as he kept his focus on his work, "I knew what exactly?"

"Don't give me that, you know _exactly_ what I'm talking about!" Kylo seethed as Hux shook his head.

"I am not a mind reader, I can't possibly-" Sticking his hand out as Hux instantly choked, unable to finish his sentence, Kylo clenched his jaw.

"You knew! You knew she wasn't eating! And you didn't tell me!" Walking up to the mans desk as he kept his hand out, Hux clawed at his throat as if he could actually remove Kylo's grip. "You knew all along and now she's hospitalized!"

"What...are you...talking a-about?!" Hux gasped.

"She fainted on me because she wasn't eating, she was starving and you didn't seem to care to do anything about it!" Kylo cried out, the tears that had been building up threatening to spill.

"Do not act...like you care...a-about her w-well being, Ren!" Hux grunted. "You are...only using...her!"

Harshly letting go of his hold, Kylo took in deep breaths as Hux gasped for air. "Don't you dare act like you know what's going on, she is my apprentice now, I _have_ to care-"

"That...is a sorry excuse." Hux fixed his collar, "She has just become your apprentice and you already feel...such way," He breathed. "What is it really, Ren?" Hux arched an eyebrow as Kylo slowly backed up.

"She is my apprentice, general, it is as simple as that." Kylo stated, feeling his heart fall to his feet. "So tell me, why is it that you didn't do anything about it?!"

Rolling his eyes, Hux stood up, "Would you prefer I spoon feed her? She is a grown woman, Ren, she can handle herself." Glaring at Hux as he walked around his desk, the man crossed his arms. "Yes, I was aware of the situation, and yes I told her to eat, what more could I do?"

"You could have made sure she _had_! If she had then she wouldn't be unconscious in the med bay!" Kylo exclaimed as Hux's eyebrows narrowed the slightest. "For the sake of your own well being, you could have made sure she was eating so the supreme leader wouldn't put the blame on you...after all, you were the only one who knew where she was."

Gulping, Huxs jaw tightened as he watched Kylo walk out. "Do not act like you care, Ren, we both know you only need her to use her!" Completely ignoring Hux's words, Kylo made his way back to the room where you had been staying in, using the Force to open the door as he aimed for the closet. Grabbing all the clothes in it, amongst a few necessities from the bathroom, he rushed out and headed straight for his living quarters.

If Hux wasn't going to do his job properly--or the Knights--then Kylo found it within himself to take the position to watch after you. After all, he was now your _master_ , so it only made sense that he'd take such a responsibility...whether you'd like it or not the moment you'd wake up. He wasn't going to let you hurt yourself again, even if that meant he was going to be on top of you all day and night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *you can find me on tumblr under the username 'kyloholic'*


	13. Can You Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Can you stay here...with me?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the slow updates! College is a bitch and got me super busy, hope you all understand! I will try my best to update at least once a week! Thanks for reading :)

It had been a little over half a day since your incident, you still lying unconscious on the cot as Kylo had took time from his work to visit you here and there in case you had woken up. At first, he did it with the thought of scolding you the moment you'd slip back into consciousness, telling you how stubborn and selfish you were being; but then he realized how cruel and heartless that must've seemed, and at the moment, he really couldn't act such way especially after the argument. So he decided he'd be by your side the moment you had awakened just to see if you were okay. Although he couldn't be by your side the whole day, he made sure almost everyone in the med bay would notify him the moment you were snapping back to reality.

Of course, Kylo had grown impatient as the day went by. After moving your stuff into his living quarters, he had decided he'd tend to his own matters that were needed for the day, trying to keep his mind off of you as he couldn't seem more concerned than he actually was; which was difficult seeing as you were consuming about ninety percent of his thoughts--he just didn't want people to realize you had taken over his mind.

Feeling himself become more and more impatient as he had grown agitated, he made his way back to the med bay where nearly everyone deserted from each time he had entered the wing. Walking over to where you had been staying in, he nearly startled the nurses. "She needs to be moved." He simply demanded as the nurses exchanged looks.

"M-moved? But she is perfectly fine in this ro-"

"She needs to be moved to my living quarters, I can not possibly keep coming back and forth to make sure she hasn't woken up yet." He stated. "You will move her to my quarters immediately. Do we have an understanding?" Seeing the nurses nod, Kylo aimed for the door. "I will expect her to be there in half an hour, no more." At that he walked out as the nurses quickly moved around.

In a matter of fifteen minutes they rushed almost everything out of the room you were in and to Kylo's bedroom, Kylo coming back to his quarters to see the nurses in there checking up on you as you lied on his bed. "Commander, sir, seeing as we are no longer in the med bay we shall be visiting once every hour. If anything seems wrong or a bit off, please contact us." Bowing their heads, they walked off and left Kylo with your unconscious body.

Looking over and making sure they all had gone, Kylo let out a shaky breath as he removed his helmet, eyes puffy from crying as the tears welled up again. Placing his helmet down on one of the nightstands, Kylo moved over to where you had been lying on the bed and knelt at your side, gently holding your hand and lying his forehead against it. "I'm sorry..." Shaking his head, Kylo looked over to you and clenched his jaw. "I should have never taken you in the first time...maybe then you wouldn't be in this position and wouldn't hate me." Letting go of your hand and rubbing his palms against his eyes, Kylo fell back and leaned against the wall.

For hours he had found himself sitting there, not even bothering to get up and do the things he needed to, he didn't want to leave your side...it was the least he could do--that is until he heard a knock on the main door of his personal quarters.

Standing up and heading out of his room, he aimed to the main door as you had found yourself slipping back into consciousness. Gently flexing your fingers as your eyebrows furrowed, you groaned the slightest as your eyes fluttered open. Feeling completely out of it, your eyes focused on the ceiling, only to trail around as you slowly sat up, noticing the monitors surrounding you--what happened to you? You could barely remember anything, only the fact that you possibly had fainted and Kylo went rushing towards you, after that, everything went black.

Were you in the medical area? Looking at your surroundings, you could tell it wasn't a med wing...nor was it the room you had been staying in. Confusion took over you, that is until your head turned to the right of you as you recognized the helmet sitting on the nightstand; had you been in Kylo's bedroom? If you were, where was he?

Wanting to get up and search the room, you felt too weak, the second you were about to stand up your legs had given out, leaving you to sit there as you rubbed your face...how long were you out?

Being greeted by a nurse, Kylo let out a small sigh--of course, it must've seemed weird to see their own commander without his helmet (along with puffy eyes) but they didn't have time to question his looks. "Commander, I've come to check up on the young woman-"

"She's still unconscious." Kylo interrupted as he simply stated.

"It's been an hour, I think-"

"She's still breathing and her heart rate seems fine." Kylo clenched his jaw as the nurse sighed.

"I understand sir, but-" Cutting them-self off as Kylo had furrowed his eyebrows and instantly snapped his head over to the direction of his bedroom, the nurse took a step forward, "Sir...if there's anything wr-" Before they could finish, the door slid shut before them as Kylo instantly rushed to his bedroom.

Sitting there and holding onto the IV, Kylo came to a complete stop as his eyes landed on your figure, heart pounding harshly against his chest as his eyes began to blur from the tears building up once again. Swallowing hard, he felt himself glued to the ground, unsure of what to do--sure, he had just yelled at you a day ago, but he didn't have the heart to _fully_ ignore you. After all, you really were all he had (or at least the only person who was his friend, especially on the Finalizer).

Feeling someones eyes on you, you turned your head to look over, only to sigh. The last person you wanted to see was Kylo, or at least you wanted to believe that, although your heart told you other wise. About to turn your gaze away, you could see a few tears trickle down his cheek as you looked up to his eyes, realizing how red they were. "You shouldn't be crying." Your voice came out hoarse as you looked away, Kylo's eyebrows scrunching up as his jaw clenched.

"Fuck if I shouldn't be!" He exclaimed, causing your eyes to widen, head turning in his direction. "You had me concerned! I thought you were going to die!" He cried out as your heart skipped a beat. "I can't believe you would starve yourself, do you know how fucking worried I was--and _still_ am--with your health?!"

Feeling your stomach turn, you shook your head, "I don't need your pity."

Blinking, Kylo only balled his fist as he stormed over to you, grabbing onto your shoulders and frightening you. "I don't give a _damn_ what you think you do or do not need, the last time I checked, you passed out from starvation because you weren't eating! I don't care if you don't want to be here, at least eat the food! I don't want to lose you!"

Shoving his hands away, you pushed him back. "And eat the garbage that you consider food?! No way in hell! I don't want any of it, for all I know someones trying to poison me--I do not have the appetite-"

"Bullshit! They had to feed you through a fucking tube! Do you understand how painful it is to see the person you love on a hospital bed going through that?! No, you wouldn't, because all you do is push the people who love you away!" Kylo pointed a finger as your teeth clenched. "Well, guess what, that isn't happening this time whether you like it or not."

Narrowing your eyes, you smacked his hand away, "And what exactly are you going to do about it?"

"I'm making you live with me. You have no choice." Blinking as your eyebrows knitted, you felt your heart sink. Of course, this whole situation was getting the best of you and of course you were overreacting, but you were still upset at him...but you'd be lying if you said you weren't the slightest of thankful that Kylo was making you live with him; at least that was something slightly positive about this whole ordeal. "And I'm making sure you eat, I am not having you hospitalized again."

Unable to say anything, you slightly frowned. "Why can't you just leave me alone..." You mumbled as Kylo felt his heart snap.

"As much as you must hate hearing it," Standing up straight and aiming for his nightstand to grab his helmet, you watched as he slid it on, "I love you too much to let you be in harms way." At that, he left your sight.

Lying back on the bed as you let out a huff of air, you rubbed your face. In all honesty, you hated being such way towards Kylo, because (in reality) he was the one person who understood you the best. You couldn't still understand as to why he was such a way towards you, especially when he puts you before his own self, even when the man had far more bigger problems than you. Yet, here was, pushing all the more important things to a side and putting you first. Since he had first met you till now, he _always_ had put you first.

Letting out a small whimper, you found yourself crying into your hands as they were pressed against your face. You never truly intended to a be a flat out bitch towards him, but the idea of being so attached to someone--especially one who could be killed in any given second--didn't sit well in your stomach and made you afraid. You didn't want to be attached to Kylo, you didn't want to be friends with him, and you definitely didn't want to be in love him when you knew who he was and the trouble he dealt with on the daily. Too bad the latter was a major factor in your troubles now seeing as he continuously proved himself to you.

Feeling your body ache, you let out a small groan as you wiped away your tears, slowly sliding back into the position you were once in, lying on your side and staring at the monitors. The blame was all on you, or at least you felt that way; if you hadn't agreed to meeting with him or even allowing him in that time, you wouldn't be in this mess. You wouldn't be trapped in the Finalizer as Kylo Ren's future apprentice, you wouldn't be disobeying the Resistance's rules by speaking to the enemy, and you definitely wouldn't be falling in love with the villain of your life story.

You hated it, you hated the feeling of being at blame. You were so used to keeping your mind busy with the thought of the war that you never truly had time to be left alone with your own thoughts--and it was killing you--especially when you were in this new found predicament.

All you wanted to do was sleep, nothing but sleep, step away from the reality you were living in and slip into unconsciousness of the void that was nothingness and freedom.

But with the fifteen hours of 'sleep' you had, it was impossible to just knock out once again, given the state you were in; you just didn't want to stay alone with your thoughts.

-

"It's been too long..." Leia spoke up, breaking the silence that floated in between Rey and herself, sensing the young woman's presence in the room. "We haven't gotten a single thing from her...nothing, not even a clue." Leia let out a sigh as Rey approached her, being faced with her back.

Clearing her throat, Rey spoke up as she came to a stop. "I have come up with an idea...that we send out a few of our men--including myself--out to Mandalore to find any sort of evidence as to where it is she was taken to."

Shaking her head, Leia turned around to face Rey, "I can't do that...Mandalore is a dangerous planet and I do not need who ever took y/n to take you or any of our men with them."

"But we know for a fact this was a set up, they wanted her and only her, they surely wouldn't expect us to go to the planet...and if they did, they wouldn't be dumb enough to stick around." She stated. "There must be... _something_ , maybe someone saw or heard something going on or-or maybe there was something left behind. General, I need to do this for her sake...and for ours."

Sighing, Leia rubbed her forehead. "I understand but-"

"You can not come up with any excuses as to why we shouldn't do this. This is y/n we're talking about, the same person you adore and the same person I idolize...this is the person that keeps us strong and gives us courage. We can not give up on any ounce of hope--and you are one to not let go of hope." Rey pointed out as Leia slowly lowered her head.

"I..." Taking in a deep breath, she looked up, "Who will be going with you?"

"Aside myself?" Rey raised her eyebrows before speaking on, "Finn would like to join, and a few of y/n's proteges that trained under her."

"And Poe?" Leia curiously asked.

"And Poe." Rey nodded. "Chewie insisted he go as well, so it may be a big party...about seven of us--eight including BB-8."

Rubbing her chin, Leia slowly nodded. "You all are planning on splitting up..."

"Four and four, cover more ground. Maybe even four groups of two, but that's if necessary. Seeing as we have the paper work and location of  where her ship landed, it narrows things down." Rey stated.

"You've planned it all out?" Leia questioned as Rey nodded. "When do you leave?"

"Well...I had planned we leave the second you had approved, assuming that would be right now so..." Raising her eyebrows, Rey awkwardly chuckled. "So, technically, the second I leave you."

Swallowing, Leia let out a small breath, "I guess I shouldn't hold you back any longer." Bowing her head, Rey turned around and walked off. "Please...find anything, anything at all...I just-I need her back-- _we_ need her back." Nodding her had as Rey had stopped in her tracks to look at Leia, she carried on and left Leia alone in her office. "We're going to find you, y/n, don't you worry..."

-

Feeling a warm, tingling sensation run through your body, your once shut eyes fell open as you heard a faint voice in your head call out to you. Furrowing your eyebrows, you blinked at the thought of hearing someone else's voice in your head. Rubbing your eyes as you had been waking up from a nap you never expected to take, you turned on the opposite arm and looked over the room to see it untouched. Deeply, you had hoped to wake up to the sight of Kylo and not an empty bedside.

Letting out a yawn as you stretched out your arms, you slowly sat up, eyeing the room and realizing how bland it was. If this had been your bedroom, you would've gone nuts long ago...but you'd be lying if you said the bed wasn't all that. It was far more comfortable--and bigger--than your own bed back on D'Qar.

Wanting to stretch out your entire body, you slowly stood up from the bed, careful enough not to strain anything as you still felt weak as ever. Even though it was a pain to do the simplest thing such as to stretch, you had to admit that it felt good to at least relieve some tension from your body.

Not wanting to sit back down, you decided to take a look around Kylo's room, rolling the IV along with you as you eyed his bookshelves and the many uninteresting things his bedroom had to offer. That is until something popped into your mind.

Turning your head over to the bed, you walked to the side of it that you didn't sleep on and lifted up the pillow, seeing your jacket, causing you to gasp and smile as you picked it up and hugged it. You had never been so happy to see an article of clothing. "It's good to see you."

Taking a whiff of it, your eyebrows scrunched up as you realized that wasn't your smell, rather, Kylos. Sniffing it once more, you felt yourself wanting to melt a his smell lingered--the aroma was pleasing to your nose. Placing the jacket down, you grabbed onto the pillow that was above it, stuffing your face into it and getting a better smell.

You hated how good Kylo smelled, even if he wasn't trying to.

Practically breathing him in, you decided it was best to stop yourself from going any further as it was enough that you two weren't on good terms at the moment. So you decided to remove your face from the pillow only to regret it the second your eyes landed on Kylo standing there in the doorway.

Staring at one another as you felt your mouth open as if you wanted to say something, you quickly put the pillow back down and aimed for the bathroom, feeling your face heat up as you had grown completely embarrassed.

Standing there and looking over to the now exposed jacket and out of place pillow, Kylo felt his heart skip a beat as he realized what you had been doing. Swallowing hard, he decided to keep his mouth shut as he knew he wasn't in any place to judge you, especially since he used to smell your jacket until it had completely consumed his own scent.

Removing his helmet and placing it down, he decided to leave you be, giving up the bedroom for yourself as he took on the living room. At least you now had no choice but to stay in his room and not try to sneak out.

Leaning your forehead against the bathroom door, you let out a deep breath as you felt your heart steady, cheeks still burning. You couldn't recall the last time you were embarrassed--let alone-- _this_ embarrassed. One second, you were being a complete jerk to him, then the next, you were running away from being a complete creep and smelling his pillow. "Why me?" You whined.

Opening the bathroom door, you carefully peeped out to see not a single sign of Kylo, letting out a deep sigh--only to see his helmet sitting on the nightstand again. Was he trying to remind you that you were now living with him? Or did he do it to show you that he's watching you at all times? Maybe he just did it to make you feel secure and know he's there and that nothing could happen to you? Whatever it was, you felt the slightest of relieved seeing it, knowing he was still in a somewhat _okay_ position with you to expose his face like that.

Taking in a breath, you completely walked out, pulling the IV along with you as you aimed for the bed. If he was there with you, then where exactly was he? You were curious to say the least, and as much as you wanted to go find him--maybe even explore his place--your body was growing exhausted once again.

 "Aw no..." Feeling your knees give out, you were sure as hell you were about to face plant onto the ground, not fall into someones chest.

"You should rest." Furrowing your eyebrows as you weren't sure how it was that Kylo had gotten to you so quickly, you held onto his arms and tried regaining your balance, shaking your head.

"I slept too much already...I'm not tired-"

"Your body is tired, _you_ _should_ _rest_." He repeated himself as he stood there, you shaking your head once again and pushing yourself away.

"I can't sleep any more, I am _not_ tired-" Before you could even protest his actions, Kylo already lifted you up in his arms and placed you back down in the same spot you had been lying in for hours, moving your IV along with him. "So, what, am I supposed to just _lie_ here?" 

Standing there with his arms crossed as he held a bland expression, he simply nodded as you looked up at him, trying to avoid eye contact as you really couldn't handle the sight of his puffy eyes knowing you were the reason behind them. "If you need anything I'll be in the other room."

Watching him turn around and walk away, you gulped the slightest before speaking up. "Uh...Kylo?" Turning around to face you, Kylo could feel the sudden change in your heartbeat. "Can...can you-" Awkwardly looking away as you rubbed the back of your neck, you cleared your throat, "Can you stay..."

"I'm not leaving, I said I'll be next door-"

"No, no...that's not what I meant..." Taking in a deep breath, you looked back over at him, "Can you stay _here_...with me?"

At the feeling of his heart skipping a beat and his stomach turning, Kylo's jaw clenched the slightest as he slowly nodded his head. "I'll do my work over there-"

Just as Kylo pointed to the couch and coffee table in front of his bed, you interrupted. "No, I mean, can you lie here with me? Or-or at least sit?" You swallowed as Kylo felt his breath hitch. "If-if you don't want to...it's fine, it's just...I-I don't want to be alone." Shyly looking away, Kylo felt himself become frozen as he kept his slightly wide eyes on you.

The position you two were in was quite special, the fact that one second you could be yelling at each other to then becoming completely timid towards one another blew your mind. For a man who was said to be constantly upset and having anger issues, he never held his rage for too long towards you. "That's..."

"Sorry...sorry, I shouldn't have asked, it was impulsive and I-" Watching as Kylo walked around the bed and to the empty side of it, your eyebrows knitted, "W...what are you-"

Sitting down and removing his boots, you blinked at the sight before Kylo lied next to you, "Rest." Slowly nodding your head, you slid down and stared at the ceiling, hearing nothing but the humming of the ship and Kylo's light breathing.

Even though Kylo swore you must've hated his guts, he could feel an instant change in your mood, as if the simple thought of having him next to you suddenly made you feel at ease. And he was right. Although you were still stuck on the finalizer, still stuck being his apprentice, and still had dozens of things stuck on the back of your mind, this was some sort of peace of mind for you.

Turning on your side as you looked at Kylo, he slowly turned his head over to you, only to feel his throat lock as he realized how close the proximity was between the two of you. A sudden wave of courage had filled you as you had found yourself slowly leaning in, Kylo's eyes widening as he had fell still the moment your lips had pressed against his own. 

Feeling his heart sink, Kylo's eyes widened even more as you held onto the back of his neck and pulled him closer, the man fully turning his body to face you as his eyes fluttered close. Pressing a hand onto your lower back as Kylo pressed you against himself, he deepened the kiss even more as he felt his heart throb. He couldn't believe this was happening, let alone, the fact that _you_ had made such move...especially with how things were going between you two.

Furrowing his eyebrows as he slowly stopped kissing you, your hand suddenly slipped from his neck as your lips had stopped moving, Kylo gently pushing himself back only to see you completely knocked out. "Yeah...you're definitely not tired..." Lightly smiling to himself, he carefully moved your arm away as he pulled you into his chest. 

As much as he enjoyed the small intimate moment, he had a gut wrenching feeling that this was the only good thing to happen for a very long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love being problematic :-)


	14. Kenobi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "...Kenobi."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So so sorry this update took forever, schools a bitch and is taking away 99.9% of my time, but here's a new update...finally! Thanks for being patient :)

There was a state of panic that took over your mind, body, and soul. The overwhelming weight of grief and confusion washing over your emotions as you felt yourself succumb to the fear that was coursing through your veins. Whatever had triggered it, you were running for your dear life away from it. Your adrenaline was keeping you afloat from the horror you must've been rushing away from. Constantly looking over your shoulder, you only came to a complete stop as your eyes landed on a group of stormtroopers surrounding something—rather— _someone_.

Trying your damnedest to steady your breathing, your hand clutched onto your mouth as your eyes were glued on the scene unravelling before you. Hiding behind a tree, you peaked your head out just enough to see a familiar redhead and trooper in chrome come into view. Narrowing your eyes as the circle of troops opened up for the two, you nearly gasped only to feel your throat lock as the air got caught.

Clutching onto the tree, you leaned forward the slightest as you could see the two kneeling figures at the center—two oh too familiar figures you wish hadn't been there. "How foolish must you be to let yourselves get captured?" Phasma questioned as she tilted her head the slightest. "Two of the best Resistance officers are now in the hands of the First Order...how could you have allowed this to happen?"

"That is of no importance to you," Your father spoke up, causing you to lunge forward to only fall still as you couldn't move a single muscle, feeling glued to the ground. Were you in that much of a panic that your body couldn't move? Were you really that terrified?

"No importance? Now that you two are in our custody, I think it its rather important, Resistance scum." Gulping, you tried and tried to move, but not a single fiber in your body had the will to do it, it was as if you were stuck in a trance.

"I don't care what you think, you won't ever get anything out of us," Your father seethed, speaking through his clenched jaw as your mother sat there, glaring at the chrome figure.

Releasing a small sigh, Phasma took a step forward and looked down at your parents, "That is rather disappointing when your life is in our hands."

"So be it," Your father growled.

Standing in the back as he held a questioning look as he knew they were hiding something, Hux stepped forward, "We have direct orders from the Supreme Leader, there is no time to waste. If they do not speak up, then you do not hold back." Turning on his heel and stepping away, Phasma took a step back as two troopers stepped up and stood in front of either of your parents.

"I guess you shall be getting what you wanted." Lifting up a hand, the two troopers lifted their blasters, "On my command."

The urge to scream was building up in your throat, the desire to reach out and save them from their fatal end rung through your bones, but you couldn't do a single thing—you still could not move—and for a reason unknown to you, you were paralyzed from head to toe.

"Aim..." Placing their fingers on the triggers, your eyebrows scrunched up even more as your eyes pooled up with tears, heart racing as fast as the speed of light with every second that passed. "Fire."

Watching everything happen so slowly, your eyes clenched shut, only to feel a sudden change in the ambience as if you weren't alone; but before you could understand the feeling, you were thrown into oblivion the second your eyes reopened.

Feeling the few tears trickle down your cheeks as your lips trembled, your line of vision was surrounded by nothing but pure darkness. Doing a complete 360, there was no way in or out wherever you were, so how did you get in there? "M-mom...dad?" Your voice echoed as you called out, feeling shivers run down your spine.

" _My dear child, I feel your pain..._ " Hearing a sinister voice speak up from the void, your head shot up, attention running all over the place as the voice echoed, " _The hollowness...the loss._ "

Shaking your head, you slowly built up your speed as you found yourself running to stars knows where in the vast darkness. " _It hurts...the loneliness, the feeling of grief..the ever growing hatred blossoming inside you._ "

Clutching onto your ears as you tried drowning out the voice, it only bounced off the walls of your thoughts. " _The fear, it's driving you, the antagonizing emotions...they reside within you, child._ " Squeezing  your eyes shut as you came to a stop, in hopes the voice would leave you alone, you felt your heart wanting to break out of your ribcage. "You know where you belong."

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" Forcing your eyes open, light pants left your parted lips as you were clutching onto the black material in front of you for dear life. Taking deep breaths as you had found fresh tears staining your cheeks, your chest ached as your heart thumped.

Afraid to shut your eyes as you feared you'd hear the voice again, a slight pressure was felt on your back as your heart instantly fluttered, looking up to see Kylo fast asleep as he held tightly onto you as if you were a toy. Letting out a small sigh, your thumping heart eased as you relaxed into his hold, unaware of how you had gotten into such position; but you couldn't complain you felt...safe. _Do I?_

Gently letting go of the fistful of material you clutched onto from his chest, you rested your forehead against him as you took in small breaths, unsure of how to feel at the moment. One second, your mind was wrapped around the nightmare—never in the year since your parents death had you dreamt about them passing away—which only brought more confusion to you. Then, your thoughts shifted to the dreadful voice you heard in the void that made you fear falling back to sleep.

But then you found yourself the slightest of flustered with the position you were now in. Even just after a fight, you two still found yourselves back in the same intimidating and nerve-racking situations. _Oh no, the kiss._

Mentally face-palming as you sighed the slightest, you had fallen completely embarrassed for making such a drastic move in such a delicate moment...but that didn't stop him from kissing you back, now, did it?

Letting out the smallest of groans, you scolded yourself for being so out of line, even when you tried convincing yourself there was nothing between you and Kylo—which was clearly wrong...so _very_ wrong. You hated how weak he made you felt, especially after knowing him for such a short period of time, you envied him for being able to get under your skin so damn easily.

Little did you know you had the same affect on Kylo, except, you made him feel things he had never expected himself to even be capable _of_ feeling. The man who was known for being a little too on the aggressive and harsh side that destroyed practically anything and everything, did have a soft spot for love and _did_ feel love and you were the one to blame.

He just hated the situation you two were now put in. On his end, he wanted to let you go back to Resistance, but a selfish part of him wanted to keep you all to himself--and not even as an apprentice, but as a ~~lover~~ friend. Then there was you, about ninety percent of you wanted to go back to D'Qar, meanwhile, the other ten percent wanted to stay just because of Kylo.

As much as you tried belittling him and keeping your distance, something out of yours or his control kept pulling you two back together--and this time, not in a pretty way. You just couldn't think about the idea of leaving when you were in the exact position you were in right now, lying in his arms.

Everything you two had was complicated, you were very well aware of that. He was a commander for the dark and you were a captain for the light, both Force users, and both doing something very wrong...well, mostly on your end since Kylo now has you as his _apprentice_. The guilt you had for liking the man and doing the things you did to be with him wasn't as bad as the hate you felt towards the Supreme Leader for making you someone else's student. If it wasn't for the fact that it was Kylo who would be the one to guide you, you were sure you would've made whoever it was life a living hell.

But it was Kylo and you were stuck in a predicament you weren't sure how to get out of, and neither did he.

Then you thought about the fact that the Resistance--especially Leia--had to have been worried sick and already planned something to search for you. _At least there's that_. The thought of being rescued wasn't all that great, but the thought of being free by such a dull spacecraft made it more manageable. But that still didn't solve the Kylo issue and being... _attracted_ to him.

Your mind was all over the place and the last thing you wanted to do was think about the troubles you now had. All you wanted to do was sleep to forget, but even that you couldn't do when you were dreading the thought of hearing _that_ voice again.

Of course, your eyelids deceived you and did the exact opposite of what you wanted as you had found yourself completely knocked out against Kylos chest.

" _You were the chosen one! It was said that you would destroy the Sith, not join them! Bring balance to the Force, not leave it in darkness!"_ The dirty blonde shouted with such an agonizing expression, panting as he deactivated the lightsaber in his hold, only to turn around and grab the one lying on the ground.

 _"I hate you!"_ The thunderous roar bellowed out from the young man lying on the ground, limbs missing as pure rage and hate consumed his soul and took over his appearance; trying to crawl back up, away from the lava as the blond watched in sheer pain.

 _"You were my brother, Anakin! I loved you!"_ The blond called out as the man-- _Anakin_ \--cried out from the pain of the flames burning at the remaining parts of his legs, working its way up.

Hearing the echo of his screams and grunts bounce around and vibrate against the walls of your mind, you woke up in such a panic as your heart pounded, this time with Kylo gazing at you with such bewilderment as you took in deep breaths. _Anakin?_

You were well aware of who Anakin Skywalker was, but never had you seen his face...so how were you capable of dreaming about him? Let alone, who was the other man next to him and how come you had felt as if your dream was someone else's memory you stole? "... _Kenobi_."

"Huh?" Your eyebrows knitted as Kylo had sat up, moving over to the couch and acting as if he hadn't just stared at you weirdly nor mention a name that sounded the slightest of familiar. Was he capable of seeing your dreams? And if so, had he seen this one...or the other one? "Kylo-"

"How did you sleep?" He quickly intervened, picking up the data pad from the small table as he kept his back facing you.

"I...fine?" You stated. Of course, his bed felt like sleeping with the stars, but the dreams weren't in your favor.

"Good."

"What about you?" You softly asked as Kylo kept majority of his attention on his work. What man goes straight to work the second he wakes up?

"It was fine." He simply stated, causing you to frown a bit as you expected him to have a better rest than any other time, Kylo sensing this and clearing his threat. "But it was better than any other night."

Nodding your head, you rubbed your forehead. "How long were you out? Better yet, myself?"

"About seven hours, I had fallen asleep just a bit after you had." Thinking about the previous nights events, Kylo froze the slightest. "Do you remember last night?"

Thinking about the kiss, you felt your cheeks up, only to grow wide eyed as you came to a realization. "Um..." You had fallen asleep as you were in the middle of kissing him. _How smooth_. "I-"

"Never mind," Kylo called out with a disgruntled tone, as if disappointed. Disappointed? Why would he be? "The supreme leader will soon realize you are doing better, which means he would insist we start our training once again." Narrowing your eyebrows the slightest, you let out a small sigh. Of course he wasn't going to disobey the supreme leader and not train you, and of course he was going to act like you weren't just kidnapped to be his apprentice. 

Now you were back to being irritated in the man. The least he could do was _try_ and help you escape from the hell you were soon going to go through. "Whatever." Standing up from the bed, you crossed your arms. "As... _boring_ as that sounds, I would like to shower and not have to think about the fact that man who claims to love me won't help me get out of this mess. But, you know, that isn't of importance right now."

Taking in a deep breath, Kylo turned his head to see you storming into the bathroom as you slammed the door shut behind you, rubbing his face from the million of things consuming his thoughts. It didn't help that his ultimate concern was the fact that he _didn't_ want to make you his apprentice even thought he knew very well the supreme leader was going to make him. So what was he supposed to do? 

Instead of teaching you the 'ways of the dark side', he was going to do something he never expected himself to ever do--teach you the way his uncle had taught him. If he didn't want you to turn to the dark side like he had, nor would he want his head ripped off by the supreme leader, then he was going to have to find a median. And _that_ was it.

Then there was you, as much as you were hoping that Leia was sending people to find you, your thoughts were wrapped around your night terrors. If it wasn't the fact that you hadn't relived your parents death for the first time in a dream, or if you weren't sent into some black hole that taunted you, you would be nothing but bitter. But then that last dream had confused you the most, why in the galaxy would you be dreaming about Anakin Skywalker? Shouldn't that be Kylo or Leia? Maybe even Luke or Rey? _Not_ you.

Haphazardly peeling off your clothes, your attention turned to the sink mid way, seeing a few of 'your' things like your toothbrush and other bathroom essentials sitting in the corner. Taking in a deep breath, you finished undressing yourself before snatching the toothbrush and toothpaste, mumbling to yourself about how you couldn't understand as to why "he cares so much about me yet can't help me get out of here."

Carelessly brushing your teeth as you now stood under the running water, you found yourself ranting on and on about Kylo in your head, from the way he could be so careless to the way he _actually_ cared. " _Damn man can go from telling me off to caring about me to being fuckin' flustered to then be insanely dry...what the hell, why do I have to like someone as unstable as him? I mean, I get it, I'm usually the reason as to why he gets such way but...damn. If I knew he was like this then..._ " Cutting your thoughts off, you shook your head as you spit out the tooth paste sud, knowing you still would be falling hard for him. " _What's the use, you like the man too much to even disassociate._ "

There was no lie behind the fact that you were still upset at him, even if you were starting to believe more and more that he had no part in any of this, but--on the other hand--you couldn't truly hold the grudge, because even then, he still tried his hardest to make sure you were okay.  You just hated that you were at the center of all of this. "Why me?"

. . .

"So this is where she was sent?" Rey questioned, looking up at the factory-like building. "This clearly screams a trap, don't you think?" She looked over at Poe.

"Im sure she was well aware of that..." Poe stated as he looked over at the building, "or at least she was suspicious about it." Walking over to the side entrance, Rey sighed and followed. 

The search party had split into two groups of four: Rey, Poe, BB-8 and one of the recruits were on one. Then there was Finn, Chewie, and the two other two recruits in the other group, searching and guarding the perimeter. "If she was suspicious, do you think whoever took her noticed?" Rey asked.

"You're one to know how well she is at concealing her emotions, I don't think they did unless she had done something drastic." Entering the building and checking it out to make sure it was clear, Rey let out a small sigh.

"Or she did seem suspicious and didn't bother hiding it so the other party knew, which made them act like they weren't suspicious at all."

Arching an eyebrow, Poe looked over his shoulder, "What do you mean?"

"I think she means that if y/n was suspicious, she wasn't going to hide it and whoever it was she met up with was well aware she was and they acted as if they understood so it didn't make them suspicious. You know, so they can seem as if they weren't surprised about her being on edge and agreeing to the fact that they'd be suspicious as well if they walked into a trade blindly." The recruit spoke up.

"Kareem is right, whoever it was, they lead her right into a trap..." Rey turned her attention over to Poe.

"Can't say that isn't smart. But I don't think whoever it was that tricked her was the one who took her, that'd be too obvious..." He rubbed the back of his neck, "I mean, at least to me it is."

"No, you're right." Kareem nodded. "They must've been a third-party, the one who probably sent that false mission request."

"But it's a process to send a mission request, to approve it and to go through Leia's hands...it couldn't have been that easy to do." Poe crossed his arms as Rey narrowed her eyebrows.

"Then someone on the inside must've approved them. Somehow, they were able to pass it under Leia's nose and get it through to y/n and knew she wouldn't even question the task...but the thing is, who gave it to her? Isn't it Leia who always gives her her missions? Why would y/n take a mission request from someone who wasn't Leia?"

"I mean, there's always a chance that the person said Leia told them to give it to her-"

"She wouldn't do that," Kareem interrupted Poe, "Y/n is very skeptical and would not just take a mission request from just anyone...even if they claim it's from Leia. Of course, that is if somehow the mission request was set on Leia's desk and y/n received a false notification on her data pad to retrieve said request."

"But wouldn't she be suspicious then?"

"Not if someone hacked into Leia's data pad and was able to make it seem like she sent it..." Rey held onto her chin.

"This all goes back to who...it could be anyone in the Resistance, there are so many members, we couldn't just easily pinpoint them." Poe placed his hands on his hips as Kareem and Rey looked at one another.

"And that's if they haven't disappeared yet...for all we know they're far gone from D'Qar by now and know about our classified mission." Rey sighed. "This is such a mess, let's just focus on finding some sort of evidence that can pinpoint as to where-"

Hearing loud beeping come from BB-8, everyones attention turned to the droid. "What is it, buddy?" Poe asked as the bb unit swiftly rolled over and responded. 

"BB-8 found something?" Rey spoke up, seeing the droid quickly roll off as the three followed after. 

"And...what is this?" Poe asked as they entered a room.

"This isn't what BB-8 wants us to look at," Rey stated, following the droid over to the table. "What is all this?" Looking at the table and picking up the papers, it consisted of a bunch of files with single images clipped to each folder. 

"It's like some sort of...information stock on people?" Poe looked over, picking up a file and flipping through it. "What in the galaxy..."

"What?" Rey asked.

"It has practically everything about this person, from their job to the locations they're frequently seen at...to even who they are acquainted with..." Furrowing his eyebrows, Poe closed it and picked up a few more. "All of them have red crosses across their face, too..."

"It's a bounty hunter." Kareem spoke up. "This must've been the work of a bounty hunter, who else would go out of their way to have such sensitive information about someone?"

"But what kind of bounty hunter would just leave all of this behind?" Poe asked.

"One who is on the run because they know they're going to be chased after." She stated as Rey came to a stop on one of the files.

"Oh no..." She muttered as Poe looked over, instantly grabbing onto the file and flipping through it.

"This-this is y/n?!" He nearly shouted, haphazardly turning the pages, "Who would set a bounty on y/n?"

"Who wouldn't?" Rey corrected. "She is one of the most valuable Resistance member we have...who else do you think would set a bounty on y/n?" Rey crossed her arms as Poe shut the file, looking at the image of you clipped to the cover with a big red 'x' over it.

"The First Order..." Tossing the file onto the table, Poe rushed out of the room.

"Where are you going?! You can't expect us to just raid a First Order vessel and assume its a good idea!" Rey called out.

"No, but we can plan something with the help of Leia!" Poe shouted.

"Go with him," Rey nudged her head.

"What about you?" Kareem asked.

"I've got something to look for."

. . .

" _You were the chosen one! It was said that you would destroy the Sith, not join them! Bring balance to the Force, not leave it in darkness!_ " Leaning your forehead against the shower wall, you found yourself daydreaming, vividly remembering the scene as the mans voice echoed in your head.

" _Bring balance to the Force, not leave it in darkness!_ " Narrowing your eyebrows, you couldn't help but overthink, the last words humming within your thoughts. " _...not leave it in darkness!_ "

" _...darkness!_ " Hearing the voice hollow out, a new one flowed in, " _...you know where you belong._ "

"Y/n?" Jumping at the sound of Kylo knocking on the door, your heart flung against your chest as you pressed your hand against it, taking in small breaths. 

"I'm still alive," You called out, only to swallow the newfound lump in your throat as you pondered over the last words you heard.

Shutting off the water and squeezing the water from your hair, you stepped out and instantly shivered, grabbing the towel that was folded under all the stuff Kylo had brought from your 'old room'. Looking at the fogged up mirror, you wiped your hand across it as you looked at your reflection, gulping at the sight. 

It didn't look like you.

Well, of course, it was you but a much more depressing version. Rubbing the heels of your palms against your eyes, you sighed, only to hear a voice softly call out from behind you. " _Hold onto the light._ " Shooting your head up, you looked over your shoulder to see no one standing there, heart racing as the low voice startled you.  "I can't be going crazy just yet."

Drying yourself off, you were just about ready to change, only to realize you hadn't brought clothes to change into. _Shit_. Biting your bottom lip, you wrapped the towel around you as you gathered your dirty clothes, in hopes Kylo wasn't in the room anymore.

"I can do this, it's no big deal, he's seen me like this through the holo-pad..." You nodded, shutting your eyes for a moment as you held onto the door handle. "I've got this." Opening the door, you were just about to walk out, only to slam right into something...well, someone.

"What are you doing?" Kylo stood there looking down at you as you slowly looked up, feeling completely embarrassed.

"Uh...getting my clothes," You swallowed hard, trying your best not to seem anxious, even though you were sure he was supposed to be the anxious one and you were supposed to be the nonchalant one...not the reverse.

"Do you know where they even are?" He crossed his arms as you simply stood there and kept your eyes locked on to his.

"Not really..." Clutching tightly onto the towel, Kylo simply pointed his finger over to his closet, your eyes slowly shifting over only to feel the clothes in your grip being taken away.

"I'll make sure these get clean." Turning your head back over to him, you watched as Kylo walked away, leaving you standing there as your shoulders slumped, head falling back in defeat.

"So I guess we're back to square one, huh?" Rubbing your face, you turned on your heel and walked over to the closet. "Go figure."


	15. Stop At Nothing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I will stop at nothing to keep you safe...even if I fail to do so."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm back with Bad Temper, ahhh!! I'm so sorry this took three flipping months but last semester of college had me extremely busy and I had no time to write for it--let alone, I had writers block--and I'm so glad to bring it back! Thank you all for being patient and I'm sorry (again) that it has been so long! Enjoy!

It had almost been a week since you first arrived on the Finalizer, four days since you started training and four days since you and Kylo had a civil conversation. Ever since your encounter of leaving your clothes behind, Kylo had been nothing but dry and bland with you--just like day one. You were well aware you deserved this after putting the blame on him for being there (and not treating him equally) but you still couldn't regain the trust when you still didn't know if he took part in the ordeal or not. The Knights were his problem, he overmatched them, how was it possible that something his men did slipped under his nose? You wanted to believe he was oblivious to the fact, seeing as he was unaware as to why you were on the ship or how you got there, but you still found it difficult to believe.

So you kept like how it was since you first met him. You trusted him with certain things but not with your life--even if it was clear he protected you and watched out for you no matter what. You just weren't ready for it, not when you had just started to trust him only for you to be kidnapped and practically held hostage under  _his_ watch.

But it was hard to be equally as dry and your old self with him when your heart ached for the man--even if you had been living with him in his own living quarters sharing his bed and his shower _and_ his closet--you were quiet rather than your usual bitchy self.

Then there was your training. The first day you started you felt out of place, and you knew Kylo had too. He didn't seem to want to do any of it, he was apprehensive and didn't even try fighting when you started with hand-to-hand combat. It wasn't what you expected, you braced yourself for the man to give it all he got, to use every bit of his body and even use the plastic sabers to fight. But what did you get?

 _Meditation_.

Sitting there in complete silence as Kylo sat across form you, legs crossed and eyes closed, you focused on your breathing and the Force flowing within you. Of course, you were amazed that a man like Kylo Ren would even think about meditating, you thought he was above that; and you never even saw yourself to be the meditating kind. Yet, here you were, completely at ease and lost within the Force. Why was Kylo teaching you something like this when you were sure this was _not_ the way of the dark side?

Slowly opening his eyes and seeing you sit there, body relaxed with your eyes shut, he took in a small breath. The tension between the two of you was thicker than ever, and as much as he hated it, he did it because now you were his apprentice living on the same vessel as him when the supreme leader could find out at any given moment that there was a sort of bond that _wasn't_ just friendly.

Sensing nothing but a tranquil aura about you as you must've had complete focus on the Force, Kylo's shoulders dropped the slightest. He knew very well that you were strong with the Force, a little too strong for your own good and he could feel it pulsing through you. Although he was a bit amazed in the fact, he didn't want you to be such way when a man like Snoke could find out in any given second and use you for it.

Kylo wanted to protect it, to protect you (as he always had), because he didn't want you to have the life he had--you already had your own issues, he didn't want to add more to the overloaded pile.

"May I ask as to why you are staring at me?" You spoke up as Kylo blinked, lightly tensing up in his spot. You were _too_ strong with the Force. "It's sort of distracting when I'm trying to relax and act like I'm not in the enemies vessel being forced to be an apprentice of the dark side."

Gulping as his brows narrowed, Kylo let out a small breath. There was the y/n he knew. "I am making sure you're doing it right." He lied as you let out a sigh. "Meditating isn't easy."

"I don't know about you, but for me it is." You simply shrugged, eyes still closed as Kylo shook his head the slightest. "I know it's only been four days, but I'd like to know when we'll be training with actual weapons?"

Feeling his heart drop, Kylo had nearly forgotten about the blaring fact that you would eventually have to get your _own_ lightsaber and wield it. "Soon..."

"Soon?" You lightly scoffed, opening your eyes and narrowing your brows. "All we've been doing is hand-to-hand combat and meditating...for four hours everyday, I don't think it's necessary we train for that many hours on something I'm already good at and at something you clearly don't typically do."

"Meditation is a good way to connect with the Force and allow it to flow through you easily-"

"That's bull." You intervened. "We both know meditating is _not_ your thing, Ren. So why are you even bothering to teach me it? I'm sure this isn't something your supreme leader would want." You nearly snapped as you stood up.

Taking in a deep breath, Kylo kept a straight face. "Like I said, the meditation is a necessity-"

"Did Snoke ever make you meditate?" You questioned, only to receive silence. "Then why are we meditating? And don't give me that Force crap. You and I both know either of us do _not_ meditate." You pointed a finger as Kylo looked up at you.

"Training doesn't constantly consist of lightsaber training, you need to learn how to use the Force as well-"

"You're not even teaching me how to do that either, Ren." Crossing your arms, you glared at him. "You want me trust you, yet, you can't simply answer my question. Trust works both ways, Ren. If you're not going to tell me the truth then what's the point of having you train me?" Turning around, you were just about to walk out of the training room, opening the door only for them to shut close.

Jumping the slightest, you blinked. "I need you to understand that I don't want this." Turning around to face him, your brows knitted as he stood up. "I don't want to be your master and I do not want you as my apprentice. I don't want to teach you the ways of the dark side because I don't want you to turn to the dark side, I want you to stay in the light."

"Then why bother?" You asked.

"Because, you're strong...you're strong with the Force and I don't know how. You've only recently awakened and it's as if...as if you've been training all your life. You control it so easily and you don't even know it, and that's why I _have_ to train you. I need you to learn the ways of the Force so you could be in full control and know your capability."

"How are you going to teach me the ways of the Force if you don't want to teach me the ways of the dark side?" You questioned, looking at him in confusion. "As much as I don't want to learn anything the dark side does, doesn't your supreme leader want this?"

"I don't care what he wants, it's what _I_ want and what I want is for you to understand what you are capable of; and to do so, I must teach you in a different way." Kylo stated as he walked towards you.

"How could you possibly teach me a different way? Wouldn't Snoke find out?" You shook your head the slightest.

"Not if he doesn't know how I'm training you, all he knows is that I _am_." Looking up at Kylo, you quietly swallowed.

"How are you expecting to teach me the Force if all you know is the ways of the dark side?" Your brows narrowed once again as Kylo shook his head.

"That's not entirely true." Seeing him gulp, he took in a deep breath. "I can teach you the ways of the light...the way that Luke had taught me, with minor changes and rules of my own." He spoke.

"Is that why you're teaching me to meditate? Was that what Luke taught you?" Seeing him take in another deep breath, he nodded.

"I want to try...I can't promise it'll be all that great as it's been so long, but I will do anything to make sure the dark side does not taunt and try to seduce you the way it had to me...especially the way Snoke had." Clenching your jaw the slightest as you remembered the nightmares you had been having for the past few nights, Kylo noticed the sudden change in mood. "What is it?"

Shaking your head, Kylo grew even closer and looked down at you. "Trust goes both ways, y/n." He mocked your words as you quietly inhaled, fighting the urge to roll your eyes as you knew he was right.

"I've been...I've been having these dreams. Nightmares at times...some are dreams some feel like nightmares. It's strange. It's as if I'm reliving someones memories because I know they're not my own. I don't know the people in them, it's almost as if I'm watching their memories, like I'm in their head." You looked up at Kylo as he simply eyed you. "There's this man...this one man that appears in all of them...I'm not sure if it's his mind that I'm unintentionally invading, but I don't think that's it."

"Who is it?" Kylo questioned.

"I-I'm not sure? There's always someone with him, well, most of the time. If itsn't this older man with long hair and a beard...it's this younger one...it's like it jumps through tim--the mans life. One second I could see him young, the next, he's much more older." You spoke as Kylo listened. "He...he's a Jedi, I know that for a fact by the way he dresses and acts...and his lightsaber."

Scrunching his brows Kylo tilted his head the slightest. "Lightsaber? What color is the blade?"

"Uh...blue?" 

"And the hilt?" He leaned closer.

"I...uh, silver? Black...some gold?" You spoke, slightly unsure. "It looks like Luke's, with minor justifications, but the style is quite similar."

Knitting his brows, Kylo swallowed. "And what about the man? What does he look like?"

"It depends...when he's young, his hair is short with a braid, like most padawans. Then his hair is longer and he has a beard, or his hair is slightly shorter. It's blond when he's young, but white when he's older. I...he's always in Jedi robes, that's for sure."

Knowing exactly who had it been no thanks to that one time you woke up panicking and Kylo had sensed your dream, he breathed, "What about the other two?"

"The older one looks the same throughout...his master. Then there's the younger one...his padawan." You nodded. "Anakin...Anakin Skywalker? Your grandfather..."

"Kenobi..." Kylo muttered as your brows furrowed.

"Huh?" You looked at him. "Why do you keep saying that? You said it that night...what is Kenobi? _Who_ is Kenobi?"

Taking in a deep breath, Kylo spoke. "The man you keep dreaming about, Obi Wan Kenobi. He was Anakin's master...and his master was Qui-Gon Jinn, the other one you've seen in your dreams."

"How do you know all of this?"

"My uncle trained under Kenobi as well. I've learned a few things about him because of Luke." Kylo stated.

"Why would I be dreaming of a man I don't know?"

Standing there and staring down at you, Kylo furrowed his brows. "That's what I'd like to know." Looking down as you sighed, you rubbed the back of your neck. "For now, try not thinking about it too much, I don't want the supreme leader to find out. If you keep dreaming about him, tell me."

"Why would it matter? I'm sure he won't notice, he's got plenty of other things to worry about." You shook your head.

Clenching his jaw the slightest, you could feel disappointment seep out of him as it radiated off onto you. "I had a meeting with the supreme leader earlier before our training session...he suggested we move our training from the Finalizer over to where he had trained me."

Blinking, you leaned in the slightest. "Suggested?"

"When the supreme leader suggests, it's more of a demand. Snoke wants us over there tomorrow." Kylo stated as your jaw tightened. It was enough that you were stuck on the Finalizer with a bunch of Order scum, but now you were going to have to go somewhere that the supreme leader had been?

"Kylo, how can we train where he will be? He will question your methods and possibly make you-"

"He won't know." Kylo interrupted, moving closer to you as he held onto your shoulders. "He won't be seeing us often, but he will visit, and when he does we will do physical training. When he isn't around, I will teach you the ways of the Force and we will meditate." Giving your shoulders a reassuring squeeze, you nodded.

"You're risking so much to do this...why? I-I don't want to be the reason why you end up-"

"You know why." Feeling your eyes burn the slightest as you took in a shaky breath, you shifted your eyes down. After everything, he _still_ loved you and you couldn't comprehend as to why. "I will stop at nothing to keep you safe...even if I fail to do so." Looking back up at him, you bit back tears. "I have failed you once, I won't fail you again."

. . .

"A bounty hunter..." Leia repeated, standing in front of Rey, Finn, and Poe. "The Order set a bounty on y/n? They must've thought this through in order to get a false mission past me."

"There has to be a culprit, someone here that we don't know is being a double agent." Finn spoke.

"Or, they've hacked into the system..." Poe added.

"No...I don't think so. Someone must've snuck in, was able to manipulate their way through and blend in with the base. Get to y/n, give her the false mission, and disappear." Rey nodded as the three looked at her. "Back on Mandalore...at the warehouse, I felt...I could feel her. As if she were right there. But she wasn't, I stayed behind for a bit to try and figure out what it was."

"And did you?" Leia questioned as Rey took in a deep breath.

"I sensed something, I felt her emotions. The state of panic and confusion she had been in, the slight pain she gone through. The bounty hunter didn't do much, it was a set up. I fear there was more to it, like a third party." Rey stated. "The First Order, they're the ones who have her now..."

"My question is, who took her then if it wasn't the bounty hunter?" Finn asked.

"I don't know..." Rey narrowed her brows. "Or, I just can't grasp as to who it is."

"You sense something still..." Leia spoke. "There's something tugging in the Force..."

"Yes...I just, I can't put a finger on what...it's like I know but I-" Cutting herself off, Rey narrowed her brows even more. "When I felt her presence, it was like I could sense what had happened...and when I did, I felt more than two. It wasn't just her and the hunter...there were others."

"What do you mean? Someone else was with the hunter?" Poe asked as Rey shook her head.

"No, the hunter must've been delivering her to who ever it was that took her to the Order. My problem is, I sense more than just one extra presence...there were multiple." Rey looked over at Leia.

"Troopers?" Finn questioned. "It could have been the general and a few troops."

"No...no that doesn't sit right."

"Then who else? Who would have a group with them?" Poe shook his head. "They wouldn't send a squadron of pilots or-"

"The Knights." Leia spoke up. "The Knights, it was them, it must've been."

"How do you know?" Finn asked as Leia looked over at him. "Why would they send the Knights to get y/n? That doesn't make sense to take the Resistance captain like that if its for questioning or imprisonment?"

Looking at Leia while Rey's brows scrunched up the slightest, as if she knew exactly what Leia had been thinking, she cleared her throat the slightest. "That's not why they took her." Shifting their attention towards Rey, Leia slowly nodded. "It makes sense now."

"What are you talking about?" Poe questioned.

"You know how Luke and I can't read her? Like at all? It's exceedingly difficult for us to read her thoughts or even communicate. We can only sense her presence and nothing more." Seeing Finn and Poe nod, Rey continued on. "At first, I thought it was because her mind was insanely strong, like any of us here...but even Luke himself could not get into her head no matter how hard he tried."

"Yeah, and?" Finn furrowed his eyebrows.

"You don't think that..." Poe trailed. "We would've noticed, wouldn't we?"

"Notice what?" Finn asked.

"No, just like I never really noticed I had it." Rey pointed to herself. 

"What's going on?" Finn shook his head. "You're not implying that she's Force sensitive, are you?"

"Y/n is the most well qualified officer that I know in the Resistance, even at such young age. Her will is strong, her ability to fight is insane and she did beat Rey in that race." Leia pointed out. "Her abilities are far more average than any human on this base, let alone, creature."

"I can't believe we didn't notice this before." Rey muttered.

"I sensed something from her, but only recently...never before. I knew she was a very skilled young woman, but never had I felt anything different from her..." Leia held her chin before snapping her head up. "We need to act fast, if they are aware she is Force sensitive they will use her against us. They...Snoke will try and manipulate her into joining the dark side and take advantage of her ability like he did my son."

"We need to find where she is first." Poe spoke up.

"The Finalizer." Finn nodded. "Where else would they be?"

"That does make sense, but it feels to obvious." Rey added. "We need to make sure she is there, we don't want to invade a vessel without knowing for sure where y/n is."

"Rey is right...we need to come up with a plan." Leia nodded. "Immediately."

"Yes, general." Poe nodded, walking out as Leia followed after. Just about to follow, Rey looked over to Finn, seeing him standing there with an anxious expression.

"Finn?" Rey approached him. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah..." Looking up at Rey, she only raised a brow.

"You're lying."

Taking in a deep breath, he gulped. "I may know something about y/n...that is valuable information."

"What do you mean?" Rey walked closer.

"I promised her I wouldn't tell anyone, but now that I see she's in trouble...I _have_ to tell someone."

"Spit it out." Rey waved her hand.

Cutting to the point, Finn exhaled rather loudly. "She's been communicating with Ren."

"What?!" Rey narrowed her brows. "What do you mean she's-"

"I had walked in on her holo-padding Ren, she told me it was because he had saved her a few times on the field and she was wondering as to why-" About to be cut off by Rey, Finn lifted up a hand. "-he saved her back on Tattooine and Endor...he even saved her on Jakku-"

"Jakku?! He kidnapped her!"

"That's what it seemed like, but according to y/n, he did it because he was protecting her-"

"Pr-protecting her? From what? The only thing she should be protected from is the man himself!" Rey exclaimed. "Why didn't you say this before? Don't you see?! He's behind this!" About to turn around, Finn grabbed her wrist.

"Wait!" Looking at him with a confused expression, Finn breathed, "As much as I want to believe Ren is at fault when his _own_ Knights took her...it doesn't feel right-"

"What do you mean? How could you possibly say that?!" Rey spoke in disgust.

"Because, if he was trying to protect her before, why would he kidnap her now?"

"To make her his apprentice! It makes sense as to why he'd protect her so she'd stay alive!" Rey nearly shouted as Finn shook his head.

"No...that isn't it, as much as I loathe the man, that doesn't seem right. What if he knew all along? What if he saved her those times from the Order because he didn't want her to be captured?" Finn spoke as Rey shook her head.

"Finn, that doesn't make any sense what so ever..." Rey's tone lowered, though she spoke through gritted teeth.

"I know, but for some reason that feels more reasonable than him kidnapping her for his own use. Everything leads to him wanting to kidnap her, but it feels too obvious, too messy. Y/n is smart, she would've sensed if the man was using her or doing it because he had to save her so she would trust him. What if he did it because he knew about her abilities and didn't want her in the position she's in right now?"

"Finn, are you out of your mind? This is Kylo Ren we are speaking about. The man who tortured Poe, who kidnapped me, who had you unconscious!" Rey threw her hand in the air. "Why would he have a heart for y/n? Why would he be so kind to her when she's just like us? Why would Ren even have such sympathy?"

"Because...what if there's something we don't know?"

. . .

Standing in the command shuttle as you waited for the ramp to lower itself, you took in a small breath as you tugged the cloak you had been in. Ren had warned you that the satellite would be rather cold--just like Starkiller--which only made you huff. Of course, since you hadn't had your own clothes, Ren had to somehow find some for you as you would now be staying on the unknown moon.

Seeing nothing but white slowly appear in your line of vision as the wind blew and snow fell, you sighed the slightest, not used to the cold whatsoever. On the two planets you had lived on, they were nothing but warm and tropical, a rarity if it surpassed chilly (which was only in the nighttime) so you weren't fond of the idea of having to live somewhere where all it did was snow.

Already shivering the slightest as you could feel the cold breeze pat against the expose skin of your face, you shut your eyes for a moment. You were sure Kylo owned multiple helmets, why hadn't he lent you one for the time being of arriving on the moon? Although you couldn't complain, when you were changing to leave, you had simply been in pants tucked into your boots along with a long sleeved under-tee. You were practically scolded for your attire, Kylo handing you a different outfit that consisted of more than just three articles of clothing.

Rather being in the usual attire you wore in the battlecruiser, you were now in layers upon layers, even in a turtle neck and a rather thick cloak. Then there was Kylo, in _his_ usual attire and helmet, causing you to scoff as he walked past you and down the ramp. How was he okay in just that? How had he survived Starkillers weather conditions in his outfit?

Following shortly behind, you came to a stop as you eyed the cave-like structure the two of you were headed for. "What is with you dark siders living in such extreme conditions? If it isn't surrounded by lava it's snow." You narrowed your brows, eyeing the area as Kylo looked over at you.

Seeing as the only physical feature apparent was your face and your now loose hair (which you had actually kept down because you knew your ears were going to freeze off) Kylo's breathing lightly hitched. The sight of you in such outfit seemed so...soft. You looked so small in all the layers he made you wear, and it didn't help that you were grumpy. He had to admit--even if he wasn't one to use such word--you looked cute, let alone, _adorable_. All he wanted to do was bring you inside and hold you close. But, of course, that wasn't an option and all he could do was fantasize. "I could say the same for you light siders always living in tropical areas."  

Smirking the slightest as Kylo had fired back, you let out a small huff. "Touché."

"Come on, let's get you inside, I know you're freezing your head off." Walking ahead, you let out a small groan in discomfort. How were you supposed to get used to such weather conditions?

"If I stay out here, I'm going to freeze to death." Sighing as you rolled your eyes, your shoulders slumped before walking a head. "I guess the inside will do."

The second you had walked into the premises, your eyes wandered around as you studied the place. It was quite dark and exceedingly dim, nothing exciting about the interior. It lacked windows and life--no wonder why Kylo seemed so miserable, he had to train in such a wretched place.

Everywhere you looked almost felt like a maze, all the halls seeming the same along with the walls, you were sure you were going to get lost in there at least once. "How depressing..." You mumbled, Kylo turning around and watching you eyeing the place. "I might just die from how bland it is..." You spoke with a concerned expression, Kylo rolling his eyes from underneath his helmet.

"How optimistic of you." He mocked. "I'm sorry it isn't paradise."

Scoffing, you shook your head. "It sure as hell isn't." Shifting your attention over to Kylo, you saw him standing there with his arms crossed. "What? I'm sorry your master is just as interesting as dried up toast." With a shrug, you walked over and past him. 

Smiling the slightest as if he wanted to laugh, Kylo turned around and walked with you.

Showing you around the cave, he came to a stop at a room. "This is where you will be staying." He gestured, you looking in and narrowing your brows. Seeing a small cot on the ground along with a few cabinets, you frowned.

"Where am I supposed to pee?" Seeing Kylo point over to a corner, you scoffed. "Kylo, this looks like a prison cell!" You exclaimed. "Where is _your_ room?" Looking up at him as you glared, he took a step back. "I would like to see it."

Letting out a sigh, Kylo turned around and guided you. You couldn't believe the man had the audacity to downgrade your living style to a sort of cell. Did he think _that_ little of you? _You know very well he does not._

Coming to a stop at double doors, your jaw shifted, knowing that his room was already far better than your own. "Unbelievable." You muttered under your breath, shoving Kylo to a side and pushing the doors open. "Unbelievable!" Seeing as how the room was much more larger and far more decent than your own, you scoffed. "Your bed is an actual bed, you have dressers, an actual bathroom and an area to sit at?!" Eyeing the room and shaking your head, you turned around and narrowed your eyes. "That's unfair!"

Standing there in silence, Kylo simply walked past you as you watched him. "Oh, yeah, be silent about it. It's no big deal, I have to live in a rather shitty hole in the wall while you live with such opulence." Throwing your hands up, you shook your head, Kylo removing his helmet and placing it down as you continued your rant. "You'd think that since I am your apprentice, I'd have some sort of decent living, not-" Seeing the bag that held your things fly into Kylo's grip, your brows knitted. "What are you doing?"

Sighing, Kylo placed it on the couch that sat in a corner of the room. "You can't possibly think I was cruel enough to make you live in that room?" He spoke as you simply blinked. "I only said it because if the supreme leader shows up, it needs to be known that that's where you stay."

Feeling your mouth fall open, you nodded. "Oh..."

"I will be taking the closet, you can have the drawers." He nudged his head as you nodded. "Seeing as we have already trained early on in the day, you can have the rest of the afternoon to yourself." Narrowing your brows the slightest, you looked around, then back at him. "I'm sure you can find something to do."

"Like what?"

"Read, explore, meditate..." Kylo waved a hand as you sighed.

"I'm just going to unpack." You spoke, aiming for your bag.

Although unpacking didn't take you so long to do, you strained the time of doing so so you wouldn't be bored afterwards. It didn't help that Kylo didn't entertain you himself with a conversation or taking you somewhere on the moon; so you simply filled up the drawers, claimed your side of the bad, stocked up the small amount of things you had for the restroom and ate. It was enough that Kylo made you wake up in early hours of the morning, by the time it was evening (or you had assumed) you were already falling asleep.

Vibrating under the sheets as you cursed the moons temperature--along with how the cave was freezing its self--you tried bundling up as much as possible, only for it to fail. Growing annoyed as nothing was helping you out, you sighed. Sitting up and looking for Kylo, you realized he was nowhere to be found in the room. 

Pulling on your cloak, you walked out of the room, cursing how you had no slippers to wear as you were just in socks. Searching the area for the man as you had already found yourself lost-- _called it_ \--you groaned. "Where the hell are you?" You spoke. Letting out a breath, you shut your eyes and tried using the Force to find him. If he was able to do it to you, so could you to him.

Slowly picking up on something, you opened your eyes once again and aimed in the direction the Force was pulling you. Walking down long halls and turning corners, you came to a stop as you saw the man sitting in the center of a rather large room--or rather area, there really weren't any doors but a hallway that lead to it--you felt your shoulders drop. He had actually been meditating on his own. Did he find it to actually be useful?

Sensing your presence, Kylo's eyes slowly opened. "How did you find me?" He spoke over his shoulder as you lightly shivered, cheeks turning red as you sucked in a breath.

"I looked through the Force..." You lightly spoke, Kylo taking in a small breath. "I didn't think it would be so easy, but here I am."

Nodding his head the slightest as he felt his heart skip a beat, he only stood up, turning around to face you. "I thought you were asleep."

"I can't..." You shook your head. "I'm too cold." Looking over at you and seeing your shivering frame, Kylo nodded. 

"Your body will get used to it eventually." He simply stated, you raising a brow and sighing--that wasn't what you had hoped to hear.

"Thanks." You mumbled, about to turn around. "That's a lot of help."

Furrowing his brows as he watched you aim back for the hall, he only spoke up. "What do you want me to do? I can't control the temperature."

"Yeah, but you could help warm me." You spoke over your shoulder, just about to continue your trudge out.

"How?"

Rolling your eyes, you turned around. "Nothing, never mind, just forget I was here." Just about to turn back around, Kylo held you into place with the Force. "What, Kylo?" You spoke, irritated.

"What do you want, then?" He questioned as you narrowed your eyes at how oblivious he was.

"I want you to cuddle me, of course." You nearly snapped as his eyes grew in size. "But, like I said, never mind." Removing his Force grip off of you, you were just about to leave his sight until he rushed over to you.

"I could...cuddle you." Looking over at him, you took in a quiet, deep breath. "I've never really cuddled anyone but-"

"Just hold me close and try to keep me warm, that's all I ask for." Seeing him nod, you grabbed his hand walked the two of you back to the room.

You were well aware that cuddling with Kylo would help you at least a smidgen, but not a whole lot like it had now. It must've been because of his size that he was able to hold such body heat, seeing as you were now pressed up against his chest as his arms had wrapped around you, you felt nothing but his warmth radiate onto you. And, lucky for you, it was just enough to help you fall asleep. Little did you know, the simple fact that holding you in his arms helped Kylo rest easy, he just wished he didn't need the excuse of warming you up to hold you such way.


	16. Join Me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Would you like to join me?"

It had been a few days since you first landed on the icy moon you _still_ hadn't learned the name of--something Kylo wouldn't confine in you for a reason you didn't even bother asking. It wasn't like you had anyone to tell it to or signal to someone that that's where you were. But, at this point, you couldn't care less...at least you were no longer on the Finalizer surrounded by incompetent Order fools.

"You're contemplating..." You spoke up, breaking the silence that had hovered over the two of you. "What is it?" Peeking an eye, you only opened both as you sat across from Kylo.

"Nothing-"

" _Kylo_." You called in a warning tone, the man sighing as he opened his eyes.

"I've decided that we begin lightsaber training." Raising your brows, a small grin grew on your lips.

"Finally, it's about damn time you put me up for a _real_ fight." You stood up as Kylo raised a brow, looking up at you.

"I hope you know it's just sticks, not real lightsabers." Kylo informed, causing you to sigh as you were well aware of the fact, seeing as you didn't have your own glowing sword.

"I am aware of such atrocities...but I am glad we are finally getting somewhere." Crossing your arms as Kylo stood up, he narrowed his eyes.

"Finally? We began training with the Force not too long ago, y/n." Kylo reminded as you rolled your eyes.

"I am aware of that as well, clearly, but we haven't done much and pretend fighting with fake sabers is exciting, alright?" You shrugged as you unfolded your arms, Kylo rubbing his forehead before turning on his heel and walking off. "Where are y-"

"Come with me," He nudged his head, you taking in a breath before following behind. Coming to a stop in front of a small cabinet as Kylo had lazily opened it with the Force, he pointed a hand, "Pick one."

"Pick one?" Eyeing the sticks that all practically looked the same, you moved closer. "Hmm...double sticks _or_ double edged-"

"Why do you need to be so-"

"Have you not seen me on the field?" You looked over your shoulder, interrupting the man as you knew where the conversation was about to lead to. "I can fire a blaster in either hand, I'm pretty skillful, Ren. Don't doubt your apprentice." Waving a finger in the air, you turned your attention back to the cabinet. "I wish I could have both, one that attaches and detaches...a lightsaber in that form would be rather neat."

Crossing his arms and rolling his eyes as he waited for you to chose a stick, he walked over and grabbed his own, then picked one up and shoved it in front of you. "You're wasting time for a person who is eager to begin lightsaber training."

Holding onto the stick as Kylo had it pressed against your chest, you pouted the slightest. "Sheesh, I am eager it's just I couldn't decide."

"You don't even know how your lightsaber will be...if you ever gain one." Making his way back to the training ground as you followed shortly, you eyed the rather short stick.

"Kylo, this stick is too small." You stuck your arm out as he simply shrugged.

"Just use the damn stick." He nearly snapped as you raised your brows.

"Alright, _master_." You spoke, lifting your hands up in defense as Kylos stomach turned. Kylo couldn't get used to the fact that he was your master now, it made him sick to the stomach. "Teach me your ways of how to perfectly twirl and attack with a lightsaber."

Looking over at you as you had teased, Kylo sighed. This was going to be a _long_ session

. . .

Throughout training, you had realized Kylo's strength and endurance was increasing little by little, as if he were making the false battle between the two of you harder and harder. Noticing how much quicker and stealthier he had become with his movements, you picked up the pace. It wasn't the easiest thing you had gone through, actually, it was far more tough than you had imagined.

You were so used to battling with blasters or just your body itself to not even think about the fact that using a staff or a stick would be quite difficult to handle--specially when the opponent is exceptionally skilled.

Growing more and more annoyed by how difficult keeping yourself up--let alone, your arms--to stay at Kylo's level, you felt yourself becoming irritated.

It wasn't like you were mad at him, you were mad at yourself for not being able to keep up. You were vexed in the fact that you weren't beating him as easily as you did with hand-to-hand. He was too skilled and it was driving you insane.

Seeing your movements become harsher with every blow and block, Kylo felt the slightest of concerned. You were letting your anger get the best of you, clouding your mind and judgement and making your fighting become sloppy. He didn't like this one bit, your anger was something that shouldn't be driving your will to fight--and he feared that such trait could lead you down a path he wanted you nowhere near, specially when the anger made you far more powerful.

"Hey." He spoke, seeing the pure rage in your face. "Hey!" Kylo snapped, you not listening. Swinging his stick around and disarming you as he swooped his leg to knock you off of your feet, your back instantly collided with the ground as you grunted.

"What the hell, Kylo?!" You exclaimed, groaning.

"You are letting your anger get the best of you, that is not how you want to battle anyone unless you want to be influenced by the dark side." Kylo spoke down to you as you tried catching your breath. "I need you to stay focused, to find something within you that'll keep you anchored but will help drive you to win against your opponent. A clear mind is what will lead you to success, focus on the Force if you must. Don't let your anger get to you. You lose, you lose. Pick yourself up and try again."

Nodding your head, you took in a deep breath before hopping back up, grabbing the stick and getting back into your stance. "Then how is it that _you_ battle?"

"I'm with the dark side, what I do is different from what _you_ should do." Raising a brow at his statement, Kylo lunged forward. At least he gave you good advice; something he should take for himself.

Fighting with all your might as you forced the anger out and replaced it with pure determination, Kylo could see a change in your movements. It was more fluid, much more swift and definitely more tactical. Your blows were far more sufficient and you were able to disarm him multiple times. Of course, with such improvement came excitement.

You were on a roll, constantly knocking Kylo off of his feet or snatching his weapon away--whatever it may be, you were getting the hang of it and had more wins than losses.

Shoving you against a wall as Kylo held his stick up with either hand and forcing it against your own, you gritted your teeth as you fought back, pushing him and causing him to stumble the slightest. Twirling your stick in your grip, you slammed it down as his own suddenly blocked your hit. Going back and forth, you and Kylo had found your sticks in a rather bad position. The second you had snatched his out of his hand, yours went with it.

Looking at Kylo, the two of you snapped your heads in the direction the sticks went in, hands suddenly flinging up as either of you aimed for the longer rod.

Clenching your jaw as you focused on the Force flowing through you, Kylos eyes squinted for a moment as he clenched his free hand, watching the rod vibrate on the ground. Reaching into the Force even further, the stick suddenly lifted up and flew.

Unsure of where it was going to, the rod smacked against your palm as you quickly held onto it, you moving rather swiftly and catching Kylo off guard as you hit his sides, then his chest, over to the back of his knees then ankles and knocking him off of his feet with a loud thud. Straddling him as you held the stick against his neck, you smirked. "It flew into _my_ hand."

Gulping as the position you two were in wasn't one of the best, Kylo instantly snatched the stick from you and flipped you over as he was now the dominant one. "Don't get too cocky or else you'll lose your streak."

Narrowing your eyes, you lunged forward and shoved him back, stealing the stick and tossing it to a side as you pinned his wrists down. "And don't let your guard down just because you've got me pinned."

Hearing nothing but either of your heavy pants echo throughout, Kylos eyes slowly trailed your rather sweaty body as you practically sat on him. Your hair was now pulled back in a ponytail as lose strands stuck to your sweaty forehead. Then there was the fact that--within training--you had found yourself stripping off the excess layers because your body temperature was rising; which only left you to the leggings and bra you were in. Kylos eyes stopped at your chest as the sweat trickled down it and into the crevice of your cleavage. Gulping, he forced his eyes away and down your stomach, over to your hips and pelvis as they were sitting right on his crotch.

Shutting his eyes for a moment as he had hoped nothing embarrassing would happen, you shifted the slightest to fix your feet as your lower half gently rubbed against his own, you not realizing it as you were asserting your dominance.

Feeling his breath hitch as he sat stiff under you, he tried so hard to push off the sensation, the fact that they way you were sitting on him was perfect for- "Are you okay?"

Forcing his eyes open, Kylo nodded. "Mhm..." He hummed as your brows narrowed.

Feeling something push up against you, the pressure against your crotch caused your eyes to widen as you quickly stood up. "I should go shower, I think we're good for the day." Seeing Kylo nod as he stayed lying there, you instantly turned around and gathered your clothes before rushing off. Did he really get hard underneath you just because you were sitting on him? "Oh, stars..."

. . .

After taking a rather long shower, trying to not think about what had happened earlier--let alone, the feeling in between your thighs--you let out a heavy sigh as you had found yourself roaming around the cavern. You weren't just about to stay in that room for stars knows how many hours doing nothing, it was enough that training started early and had ended early all because Kylo couldn't contain himself

Though, you couldn't blame him, you were quite the lady--let alone--the position you two were in was possibly one Ren had _never_ been in.

Holding onto your cloak as you walked along the halls, feeling as if you had been lost in a maze, something had caught your eye. Doing a double take as you slowly baked up, your brow raised. Giving the area a good look, you turned around and walked towards the small chamber. Seeing a pool of heated water lie at the center, you walked closer to see the water was pretty murky no thanks to the mist and fog hovering above it.

Crouching down, you eyed the rather circular hole in the ground, wondering whether or not if it was man made or already there--let alone, if it was safe to even be in. As tempting as the water looked, seeing as it was steaming, you couldn't help but want to go inside to warm yourself up. "There's only one way to find out..." Slowly sticking your finger in as you shut an eye, waiting for some sort of burning sensation, you got nothing.

"Hmm..." Raising your brows as you removed your finger from the water, you stood up and removed your boots and socks, dipping one foot in and smiling in pure satisfaction; it was so warm it was almost like a personal jacuzzi.

Deciding to take advantage of the time you had to yourself, you walked over to the entrance and made sure no one was in sight before walking back in and stripping down. You weren't foolish enough to just go in with your clothing, plus, it wasn't like anyone would see you naked since the water was so dark.

Putting your clothes to a side as you shivered, you quickly entered the small pool as you pulled your hair up in a rather lazy and messy bun. Slowly lowering yourself as you let out a deep breath in relief, you leaned your back against the wall as the water reached just above your breasts. If you could enjoy this after every practice, you would be so relaxed. It topped your warm showers.

Taking this as an opportunity to meditate as you were more than relaxed, you shut your eyes and focused on the Force flowing within you, feeling the way it flowed throughout your whole being and the world around you.

It had been hours since you had left Kylo in the training room and hours of Kylo trying to do everything in his powers to rid the feeling he got. It was enough that he liked-- _loved_ \--you, but now this? It was also enough that he was physically attracted to you, but now sexually? He couldn't handle it, his emotions were all over the place and he had never, in his life, felt like this for _anyone_.

This was all very foreign to him, so very different to feel such feelings for someone. The only time he felt love, which really wasn't love at all, was when he was handed his first lightsaber. Sure, he had loved his mother, but not how he had loved you--all _very_ different.

You made him feel such way the was indescribable. Your presence was one thing that had set it off, every time he sensed you his heart leaped. Then there were those times (all the time) where you spoke, even if it was yelling at him, where he couldn't help but want to melt at the sound of your voice. He couldn't even get started with how he felt when you kissed him; it was almost as if your lips were his haven, and every time he kissed you, he felt safe.

Or, at least his heart did.

Being around and with you made him feel things that he thought he could never feel. If he knew that the moment he first landed his eyes on you that you'd have such control over his heart and emotions, he possibly would've believed it; because when he had first seen you, it was almost as if you out shined all the stars in the night sky that not even one could compare to your illuminance.

He just hated that you had this advantage over him.

Which only made him wonder...did he make you feel things? He was sure there had to have been _something_ there since you had been the one to kiss him first. There must've been something in you that felt for him, after all, you had confined in him more than you had in your own best friends.

Feeling as if he were losing his mind, Kylo's thoughts came to a sudden stop--he had been thinking so much about you that he realized he hadn't seen you since you left. Where could you have gone? It wasn't like there was much to do in that room.

His thoughts were at it again and he was growing worried and a bit paranoid. What if you had taken this as an opportunity to steal his ship and leave back to the Resistance base? What if you had ran off? Just about to rush out of the training room, Kylo's beating heart slowed down as he sensed your presence. You weren't gone, but you were somewhere within the maze of a cave. "Thank the stars..."

Looking for you through the Force as he followed where it had been guiding him, turning corners and walking down long halls, wondering where you had ended up, he only came to a stop.

Standing there and seeing nothing but your bare back, hair picked up high, his eyes trailed over to your pile of clothes, only to shift back over to you. Here he was, concerned about you disappearing, only to find you sitting in a sort of hot spring. Sensing how relaxed you were, Kylo's shoulders loosened up. It was enough that he was trying to convince himself for hours that he did not feel anything for you sexually--because what was sexual attraction?--but seeing you sitting there, bare, his heart sank.

"Why are you just standing there and staring?" You questioned, eyes still shut as you had been meditating.

"I'm not staring, I was wondering where you were as it's been hours and finally found you." Ren partially lied as you took in a deep breath.

"Well, you found me. I'm meditating, you should keep the staring to a minimum, it's quite distracting." You spoke as Kylo let out a sigh, hating how well you were with the Force even if you were new to it all.

Keeping quiet as he stood there, you tried to focus on the Force and only the Force, but every time you had, Kylo slipped into your thoughts. You knew he was still there and you knew he was still staring at you, you just didn't know why. Sure, he loved you and all, but there was no need for him to be hovering.

"Would you like to join me?" You spoke up, breaking the silence as Kylo's eyes widened the slightest, blinking.

"I'm fine."

"Are you sure? You seem rather tempted to join me, seeing as you still haven't left." You smirked to yourself as Kylo sucked in a breath.

"I'm positive."

"It could really relax your nerves, you seem a bit on edge..." You pointed out as Kylo's body slouched--now _you_ were the one easily reading _him_.

"I'm fine, y/n, trust me."

"Alright...whatever you say, Ren." You shrugged. "If you're not going to join me you might as well leave...unless, of course, you'd like to continue being a creep and stare at me."

Instantly narrowing his brows, Kylo's jaw tightened. He was not a creep and nowhere near one...he just had an eye for beauty and you so happened to _be_ the beauty.

"Fine, I will join you." He decided, walking in and over to the right side of the spring.

Opening your eyes and turning your head to look up at him, you grinned. "I thought so."

Rolling his eyes, Kylo took in a rather large deep breath before he began to remove his clothing. Although he had never been naked around anyone else before--besides his mother when he was younger--he was a bit apprehensive. What if you judged his looks? Aside from that, he was a bit insecure, so he couldn't help but put negative thoughts into his head.

Sensing his uneasiness, you simply looked away out of respect, Kylo noticing this and letting out a sigh of relief. At least you were respectful--he still hated how well you read him.

Stripping down to nothing, the sound of splashing as you felt the water level rise signaled that he was finally in the water beside you. "See, it's not so bad." You smiled as you looked over at him, his broad shoulders sticking out of the water as you noticed how tense he was.

Trying to get his mind off the situation as you knew he was uncomfortable being naked with someone else (who was also naked) in a heated pool, you started up a conversation. "Training is going well, all of it, I can feel the difference."

"That's because I'm training you." He spoke as you shook your head, lightly grinning.

"Yes, of course, let's give you credit." You bowed your head. "Although I've already been trained for hand to hand, so that I can't give to you. I take full credit on that one."

"Fair enough, but you've never trained with the Force or sticks of that matter...so those go to me." He pointed out as you nodded in agreement.

"That is true, I'll give you that as well." Smiling over at him, Kylo's heart fluttered at the sight of it, simply looking away as he turned his attention directly ahead--you noticing this. "I truly appreciate the meditation...but I think I'm enjoying the lightsaber training the most." Turning your attention away from him as you messed with the water, Kylo slowly looked over at you. "I just can't wait to train with _real_ ones."

Taking in a deep breath, he swallowed. "In no time, I am sure."

"I hope so...though I don't want a red one, I am _not_ with the dark side." You looked back over at him as Kylo quickly looked away.

"We'll see what we can do about that...although that is something you can not hide from Snoke." Hearing you sigh, Kylo instantly changed the subject. "Have you been dreaming about Kenobi still?"

Narrowing your brows the slightest, you nodded. "Yeah...it's the same one over and over again with him and Anakin, other than that, it's more memories." You stated as Kylo nodded. "Last night I actually was introduced to someone else...someone who seemed rather important to him." Slowly turning his attention back to you, Kylo's brows narrowed. "She was a queen or a sort of ruler...always had these strange hair styles and looks, but I guess that's royalty."

"Did you get her name?" Kylo curiously asked as you narrowed your eyes, thinking back.

"Uh...not really...all I know is that she's from Mandalore." You nodded. "Strange...out of all planets." Your voice lowered as Ren's brows furrowed even more.

"How strange?"

"Well, since I was kidnapped on that planet and ever since I've been held hostage--" Seeing Kylo's face drop, you cleared your throat, "--then turned apprentice, I've been having dreams with..."

"Kenobi." Kylo finished for you as you nodded.

"Yeah, Kenobi...and now this blonde woman." You stated. "I think they were in love? But it was forbidden for Jedi's to have attachments so I'm not sure how that ended up."

Looking at you with knitted brows, Kylo couldn't seem to recall any stories of a blonde woman Kenobi had ever been with. "Do you remember anything else about her?"

"Well...like I said, a ruler of Mandalore, very close to Kenobi...blonde, blue eyes, other than that..." Tapping your chin, you shook your head. "I can't think much, only that he's had missions to watch over her."

"How many times have you dreamt of her?" Kylo questioned.

"Uh...twice? Back to back after the usual 'you were my brother, Anakin' dream-nightmare." You nodded.

"Maybe tonight you will dream more of her, maybe then we can find out who she is. Now that we know you've dreamt about significant people in his life, she must be _very_ significant." Kylo stated as you nodded again.

"Yeah...I just, I hope Snoke doesn't notice if he's coming anytime soon. I don't want him to know." You shook your head.

"He won't, you are very hard to read, I'm sure it'll be difficult for him to understand you."

"I hope so...although he was the one who sensed my Force sensitivity..." Rubbing your face as Kylo watched you, he let out a small breath. He could only think about how it must've felt for you to be forced under someone else's wing, work for the enemy and train with the Force. It was clear you missed your home, you just never mentioned it.

"You miss it."

"Huh?" You looked up.

"You miss your home, your friends..."

"Of course I do...they're my family, they've been with me through it all." You spoke as Kylo watched you with such soft expressions, seeing how upset you now were, being so far away from them. "Knowing them, they're devising some sort of plan to rescue me."

"Without a doubt." Kylo agreed as you looked at him with narrowed brows. "It's clear that they love you, y/n. I can't doubt that they are hurting now, knowing the enemy has you."

"Yeah...but they're unaware of the real situation I'm in, they probably think I'm just a prisoner..." You looked down. "Which, I'm really not...I'm  
willingly training with you, and if they had found out, they would've killed me themselves." You joked. "It's a very...peculiar situation I have found myself in. Never thought I'd be here at the moment, sharing a hot bath with the enemy."

"Enemy..." Kylo repeated. "And master."

"And master." You breathed with a nod. "This is all very strange, but it's my life...it makes it all more interesting."

Sitting in a rather comfortable silence as you watched the steam rise while Kylo continuously forced himself to look away from you, you felt the slightest of nervous. Why was that?

For starters, it was very quiet...too quiet between the two of you. Then there was the blaring fake that you two were nude, sharing a rather soothing 'bath' if you must. Other than that, it was clear that there was feelings--since someone had admit they loved the other. It just felt overwhelming, a good sort of overwhelming and you didn't feel uncomfortable.

"I-"

"This-"

"You go first," You chuckled, seeing as the two of you spoke up at the same time.

"Oh, no, you go." Kylo waved a hand as you shook your head.

"No, no, it's fine! I insist, you go." You smiled as he took in a small breath.

"I was going to say that I never knew the moon had this, if I would've known I would have come here quite often." He nodded.

"You never knew?" You asked as he shook his head. "Well I'm glad I stumbled upon it, you'll probably find me here after training everyday. Maybe when I'm bored or want to relax." You stated. "And, since it's the only really warm spot on this ice moon."

Laughing the slightest as he knew you were definitely going to take advantage of the warmth it offered, yet another silence fell between the two of you--except, this time, there was a tension.

It was so thick that it would be a hassle for a lightsaber to slice through it.

Sitting there as your hands had lied against the seat of the pool, Kylo sat there, gazing at you. Feeling his eyes on you, your heart skipped a beat. Unsure of what to do or how to react as--for some odd reason--you felt a bit flustered, you looked over at him.

Feeling a rather strong gravitational pull amongst the two of you, you hadn't realized how close you were to Kylo now until your leg was pressed up against his own. Succumbing to either of your urges, you lifted your hands up to rest them on the back of Kylo's head as his hands lied on your bare waist, shivers running down his spine as (although it was underwater) he was touching your skin and not a shirt.

Pressing a kiss against his lips as he pressed one back, the kiss had become more than your usual ones. Instead of being rather quick and pure, there was more lip action. Moving your lips against his own, as if in sync, the two of you lightly panted every chance you got. Wrapping your arms around his neck as his hand pressed up against your back, pulling you closer, you were now practically sitting on him. Feeling either of your bare chests come into contact with one another as the gap between the two of  you was now non existent, your heart raced.

Never had you thought that a moment like this--being in a hot spring, naked and practically making out with the enemy--would happen to you. Let alone, you finding yourself completely in love with him, even if you still hadn't believed it yourself.

It was there, and you could feel it in your throbbing heart, but your stubbornness got in the way; even if you could feel nothing but love for this man now.

As the kiss grew deeper and rougher, you came to a sudden stop as you could feel a third presence, looking away from Kylo and over to the opening of the room. Freezing up, you gulped, "He's here..."


	17. Can't Hold Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I can't hold back any longer, y/n..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW ahead

Looking over to the doorway as you gulped, your arms slowly unwrapped themselves from being around Kylo's neck, heart skipping a beat as you could sense the gloom aura the man exerted. Sensing your uneasiness, Kylo let out a small breath, eyeing you as you sat still on his lap. Why was it that every time something good was happening between you two, an outside Force had to take it away from him. "He won't do anything." Kylo assured. "He's just arrived, he won't find us."

Slowly nodding your head, Kylo removed his hand from your back as he gently got a hold of your chin, turning your attention towards him. "Trust..." Taking in a deep breath, Kylo corrected himself., " _Believe_ me, he won't do anything to you, I won't let him." Nodding once again as you quietly swallowed the small lump in your throat, Kylo kissed your forehead.

"What do we do? What if he sees that I'm living in your room?" You frantically asked, looking at Kylo with a concerned expression.

"He won't, it isn't like Snoke is curious as to where I live. If anything, I'll show him the small room I said you'd be 'staying' in." He spoke with a nod as you took in a deep breath.

"How long is he going to be here? He can't possibly find out that we're training under the ways of the light..." You muttered as Kylo clenched his jaw. "There's a chance he will be watching us..."

"If that's the case then I will show you the ways of the dark side...act as if you are doing as I say, but completely wipe it from your memory. I don't want any bit of the dark side in you, I promised to train you under the light and that's what I'm going to do." He spoke as you nodded once more.

Eyeing him as you could easily tell--and sense--how concerned he was with your well being, your hear ached. Although you were still a bit worked up from what happened with the whole kidnapping by his own knights, you slowly found yourself getting over it. Kylo was doing everything in his power to make sure that you were untouched by the dark side, even if it was extremely risky for him to do.

Still, you couldn't seem to understand why Kylo Ren's heart--out of all people's hearts in the galaxy--decided you were the one. You knew very well love was not something the man felt on the daily, let alone, at all (not with his life) so it was hard to say he was lying about his feelings. The things he did to you and _for_ you were only something someone who truly cared about you would do. Someone who _actually_ put someone else before them self.

And you knew, eventually (if not soon), you were going to have to do the same. Because, as much as you refused to admit it to yourself, you had found yourself growing to love the man. But were you ever going to admit it?

At the moment, it seemed highly unlikely, now that you were his apprentice and was going to be supervised under Snoke's watch...let alone, were you even ready to confess such thing?

Sure, you've had past relationships, but what you felt for them was nothing compared to what you felt for Kylo. Although you claimed he had gotten on your nerves, annoyed the hell out of you for always swooping in and saving the day, let alone, constantly caring for you...you appreciated it all. In the end, the feelings he made you feel wasn't something any of your friends could give you.

Feeling your heart swell up as all your emotions decided to attack you all at once as you simply gazed at his face, your breathing suddenly became erratic. It was like the Force was taunting you for taking too long to admit to your real feelings.

Leaning in and giving his cheek a kiss, Kylo instantly blushed. "Thank you...for everything." At that, you stood up and out of the small pool, grabbing your clothes and quickly pulling them on. Feeling his heart skip a beat as Kylo had watched you get out of the pool, he shifted his eyes away as his cheeks burned even more. He had never seen a woman completely in the nude, and he wasn't just about to take advantage right now (even though, deep down inside, he really wanted to).

Gently rubbing his cheek as the feeling of your lips lingered, Kylo tried to steady his sudden sporadic breathing. "I'm gonna go clean up again, I'll see you in a bit." You spoke over to him, seeing his focus on the surface of the water rather than you. Lightly smiling to yourself, you turned around and walked off. _So respectful._

Turning his attention to seeing you walk away, Kylo let out a heavy breath. The things you made him feel couldn't possibly be natural; they were overbearing and overwhelming, in a sense that he enjoyed. The feeling of desire and adoration was suffocating him, it was heavy in his chest and he could hardly breathe. He couldn't seem to believe that the moment you two shared not too long ago had actually happened.

The feeling of your skin on his fingertips lingered, the breathless kiss you two shared made his heart race, the simple thought of you sitting on his lap drove him mad. He wanted you. He wanted you and _only_ you and it was making him crazy.

His heart couldn't possibly take it. How could it? This was the first time in his entire life he felt love. It felt otherworldly and completely heavenly...even if it was slowly killing him.

You made him feel so alive like he's never felt before that his soul couldn't seem to take it, as if he felt dead.

Slowly sinking in the heated tub, to the point it swallowed him whole, Kylo had hoped at least the water would drown out the feelings you gave him...maybe then he wouldn't be having the dreams and fantasies his mind gave him, let alone, cravings.

. . .

"We need to get her back, no matter what it takes." Leia spoke up as she stood alongside Poe, amongst the rest of the upper ranked officials in the Resistance. "Poe and I have devised a plan with the help of Luke as well. If it all goes well, we can get her back and come back in one piece. This won't be like Starkiller, we don't want a ruckus. This isn't a war, this is a rescue mission."

"If we follow this plan, there won't be any casualties...well, I can't promise that, but less casualties than on Starkiller and Takodana. It's in and out, Rey and Luke will go in, Finn and Chewie are back up while black squadron will stay near the vessel." Poe spoke. "We want to get our captain back in one piece and unharmed. Who knows what they've done to her."

"Prepare yourselves. You leave in a day." Leia breathed, nodding her head as she dismissed the small group.

"General," Rey spoke up, walking over to Leia as Finn walked--was practically _dragged_ \--alongside her.

"Rey, Finn." Leia nodded her head. "What is the problem?" She questioned, already sensing something was off.

"Finn has informed me on rather vital information about y/n that could help us..." Rey spoke as Leia shifted her eyes over to Finn, seeing how uneasy he had become. "He was a bit apprehensive, but he knew how important the information he has is for this mission and for y/n's disappearance."

"Well...what is it?" Leia questioned as Finn took in a deep breath.

"I've known for quite a bit and I promised y/n I wouldn't say anything as she swore it was nothing but curiosity seeing as how-" Being nudged by Rey, Finn cleared his throat. "Y/n has been speaking to the commander."

Blinking as Leia lightly narrowed her brows, she took in a small breath. "Speaking as in how...?"

"Through a holo pad. Apparently the commander didn't take her in for interrogation that first time...it was because-"

"He was intrigued, the commander was intrigued in y/n because he knew-- _sensed_ \--something we hadn't." Rey interrupted as Finn's shoulders slumped. "He must've known she was Force sensitive before us, that is why he did all those things he had." She spoke as Leia furrowed her brows.

"Things? What had he done?"

About to speak up, Finn lifted up a finger. "Apparently on a few missions, Ren was there as well...saving her behind. You know how reckless she can be on the field, so he made sure she wasn't harmed-"

"Which is why the Knights kidnapped her. Ren wants to make her his apprentice-"

"No, that-that isn't it, Rey! Remember what I told you?" Finn looked over at her as Leia watched in confusion.

"Finn, that is completely nonsense! Kylo wouldn't do all of that because he simply needs a friend! He wants her as his apprentice, to train her under the dark side of the Force. Now that I'm under Luke's guidance, what makes you think the Order won't find someone else for Kylo to train?" Rey raised a brow as Finn sighed.

"That just doesn't feel right..." He shook his head.

"You both make valid points." Leia spoke up. "I agree...but, Rey does make a more valid one."

"Leia, _general_...I-I don't like the commander as much as the next person, but it just doesn't sit well with me." Finn sighed. "Okay, Rey could be right, but what if there's more to it? What if there's something we don't know that's in the midst of things?"

"We will only find out once we rescue y/n." Leia spoke. "Until then..." Taking in a deep breath, Leia looked at Finn. "We wait." At that, Leia turned around and walked off.

As much as Rey made more sense than Finn had, she was just as curious as to why he had been feeling this way. He wouldn't say such thing without reasoning, so whatever he must've felt must have been some sort of sign. And Leia was curious. She knew her son, and she knew just how lonely he was...so what if he had a sort of connection with you?

Leaving Rey and Finns sight, Leia aimed for your living quarters. If she couldn't physically--or mentally--ask you, then she was just going to have to look for something to prove it.

. . .

Standing there and pulling on your cloak as your body began to tremble with the low temperature, you heard the doors to Kylo's room open, you looking over as you sensed it was him. "Snoke wants to see you." He spoke, your heart sinking as you turned around.

"I should have expected that." You sighed, trying your best not to let the man intimidate you. If Kylo hadn't, why should the supreme leader? "When?"

Taking in a deep breath, Kylo swallowed. "Now...he wants to see what you're capable of."

Feeling your shoulders slump, Kylo only walked over to you. "I don't want to deal with him...he's only going to see my potential and want to use it."

"I know that." Walking closer, Kylo then lied his hands on top of your shoulders. "I'll be by your side through it all. If you have to fake it, fake it. It isn't like he is training you, you are _my_ apprentice in the end." Lightly breathing, you nodded. "Like I said before, he won't do anything to you. I won't let him." Bending forward the slightest to kiss the top of your head, you looked up at him and nodded once more.

Taking a step back as he let out a hand for you to hold, you grabbed onto it as he guided you out of the room.

The entire walk over to the training grounds, Kylo could sense your anticipation, the way you had become more and more anxious with every step you took. Giving your hand a small squeeze in reassurance, the two of you came to a stop in front of the doors. "If it feels overwhelming and you feel yourself becoming upset...just think about whatever it was that calmed you before. Okay?"

Nodding, you gave him a small smile. "Okay." Letting go of your hand, Kylo waved his own as the doors opened. In the distance, you saw a rather lean and tall man standing there, back facing you as a dark robe covered his frame.

"Y/n y/l/n..." He spoke. "Captain of the Resistance is now the apprentice of the First Order's commander and master." Narrowing your brows the slightest as you and Kylo had walked in, the man turned around, your stomach instantly turning at the sight of his deformed face. "What a gift the galaxy has given us."

Biting your tongue as you knew now--nor ever--was the time to snap on the man, you gulped. "You've been training under my apprentice...I can only imagine how well you've evolved with his guidance." Simply staring at the man as you took in small, deep breaths, you felt a sudden pressure in the Force, as if someones hand was on your shoulder but really wasn't.

"There is a possible chance." You spoke up.

"I want to test your abilities, see what you are capable of." Seeing the man reach out, a rod flew into his grip. "We will spar."

Swallowing hard, you looked over at Kylo for a moment as he nodded. "I suppose that is the only way to prove my worth." You went along, sticking your hand out as another rod flew into your grip.

Not liking this one bit as Kylo watched you walk over to Snoke, his jaw clenched. He knew the supreme leader was doing this to see how far you've grown under Kylo's guidance and to see what you were capable of, but Kylo feared there was some sort of underlying reason as to why he [Snoke] _really_ wanted to spar with you.

Sensing how your nerves were all of the place, Kylo clenched his fists at his sides, the leather squeaking as he watched you two line up with one another, Snoke making the first move and you instantly blocking. If you were to do as he said and not allow Snoke to get to you nor tick you off, then the man wouldn't be able to sense your anger and desperation to beat him. If he had, then Snoke would only use that to his advantage and taunt you.

Watching the way you fluidly moved, blocking and striking, Kylo lightly smirked to himself. He had to admit, you learned easily and you were also a pretty damn good fighter. At least your determination is what made you better.

Keeping your focus on the one thing that kept you calm, you blocked Snoke, attacking him and actually getting him a few times. Although you were the one who had been backing up and grunting, you had to fight the urge of getting the upper hand--even if you wanted to hand his ass to him. It was the least you could do for having the man bring you to the position you were in now (along with the fact that he was the reason why Kylo was the way he was). _I can't believe I'm defending Kylo._

Twirling the rod and striking Snoke, you continued to block his movements, instantly stepping out of the way and bashing your stick against the mans back, only for your eyes to widened. As much as you enjoyed doing such thing, you didn't want him thinking you were all that powerful.

"Quite the fighter you are..." He spoke, standing up straight as you took a small step back. "You blocked almost every single one of my moves, was able to strike me a few times and had the upper hand at the end." Mentally cursing as you didn't want that, you simply nodded. "Ren is doing a rather well job. You may just be the extra push the Order needs to crush the Resistance." Clenching your jaw, you stood quiet. "With such progress, we may just make a big advancement for the Order." Letting the stick fall from his grip, Snoke walked past you as you stayed glued to the ground, panting.

"What are your suggestions, supreme leader?" Kylo spoke as Snoke stopped diagonal to him.

"She must be easy to train...it's only been a few days but I think she is ready for her own lightsaber." Snoke stated, words barely being audible for you, but still being able to hear it. "See to it that she makes her own once you feel she is ready, but do not wait too long, we may just need her very soon. I can sense it."

"Yes, supreme leader." Kylo nodded.

"I will watch over tomorrows training session, if I feel satisfied, I will leave. If not, I will be overseeing the next few sessions." At that, Snoke left Kylo's sight.

Letting out the breath you felt as if you had been holding in the entire time, the rod slipped from your fingers as you turned around, Kylo instantly walking over to you. "I-I didn't meant to...I didn't mean to put so much effort I just..." Taking in a deep breath, you shook your head, "I just had the sudden will and urge to take him down, I saw it as a chance. I knew I couldn't possibly kill him, but a part of me wanted to take the advantage of the moment. A part of me wanted to take him down for everything he's done to you and the galaxy."

Feeling his eyes widen as you simply looked at the ground, too caught up in your thoughts to even realize what you had said, Kylo blinked.

So you cared? You cared about him in a way that he didn't quite expect. He had grown accustomed to your bitterness and constant pushing away that he never thought for a moment you cared about him to _that_ extent. "I need some rest."

About to walk away, Kylo only tugged you back by your wrist as your brows narrowed, only for your eyes to widen as he pulled you into a kiss. Blinking at the unexpected move, his hand rested on the back of your head as his other still held your wrist. Completely stunned in your spot as you weren't sure whether or not to kiss back, Kylo only pulled away. "I suggest you sleep in the other room, I don't want Snoke being suspicious." At that, Kylo turned around and walked away.

Gulping, your hand rested onto your chest as you watched him leave, fingers lying on your lips while your heart raced. This was possibly the fourth time the two of you kissed, yet, every time Kylo initiated it, it always felt like the first time.

Hurriedly walking back to his temporary living quarters, Kylo didn't even bother wasting any of his time, quickly undressing himself on his way to the washroom, leaving a trail of clothing behind.

He couldn't take it anymore, he couldn't fight it, it was enough that he had already said 'I love you' to you, so why was he being so reserved?

Kylo craved you, every inch of your body. He wanted you and he wanted you now, and it didn't help that you practically just expressed how much you cared for the man as well. He had enough of the teasing, he felt as if the Force had been mocking him and he couldn't take it anymore. You were driving him wild and it was about time he did something about it.

But how could he when he didn't want to come off as desperate? Let alone, he wasn't even sure if you wanted it.

It was obvious the feelings were mutual, specially after the way the two of you had kissed back in the spring; but did you _want_ him as much as he wanted you?

Turning on the shower and letting the rather cold water run, he stood under it and pressed a hand against one of the shower walls, free hand rubbing against his face as his hair was instantly flattened from being soaked. He so very much wanted you and he wasn't able to keep it concealed any longer.

Little did he know that your body craved his just as much, even if you had ignored all the signs.

. . .

Changing into your nightwear as you stood by the rather small cot, eyeing it, your shoulders slumped. How were you supposed to sleep on that? Let alone, get used to it when your body was already accustomed to Kylo's bed? Sighing, you pouted. "Damn you Snoke, I could be resting up in a really comfortable bed next to my personal heater." Pressing your hands against the cot, you groaned in annoyance. It wasn't even that comfortable.

Had Kylo slept there when he was training? Did Snoke take the bigger room? _That's rather cruel._

Sitting on the bed, you shoved your face into the palm of your hands. For the past few nights, you had been sleeping so well no thanks to Kylo. If it wasn't him practically holding you like a stuffed toy all night, you wouldn't have been as warm as you were. But now that you were all on your own, on a small bed with a single thin blanket, you knew this wasn't going to work out.

Lifting up the sheet and getting under it, you lied on your side, staring at the bland wall ahead of you as you frowned. You were already hating it and it didn't help that you were already trembling. You just wanted to be with Kylo, you wanted his arms around you as he rested his head in the space between your neck and shoulder. You wanted to hear his light snores that you oddly grew to love. You wanted to feel his presence and know you were safe in his arms.

You wanted so much, yet, you could never ask for it.

It wasn't like back on the Finalizer were you had to stay with him (even though you enjoyed it), but now you _wanted_ to be beside him, you wanted the man to spoon you. But how could you when his supreme leader was nearby? And how could you when you were too stubborn to ask, let alone, didn't want to seem desperate?

Letting out a discontent sigh as your body craved Kylo's with such urgency, you shut your eyes. At least there was the chance that Snoke would be gone in a day--which you had hoped.

Lying there as your body vibrated, teeth chattering as you were basically freezing to death, the sound of your rooms door opening suddenly caught your attention. Narrowing your brows as you sat up, you looked over, only to see Kylo standing there.

"Kylo?" You smiled, instantly standing up as you rushed over to him. Lifting up his index finger and lying it against his lips, you nodded, the man only latching his hands onto your cheeks and giving you a hungry kiss.

Wanting to grab onto his shirt as your hands went for his chest, you only touched skin, not realizing he had already been shirtless. Wrapping your arms over his shoulders, you kissed back, Kylo moving his lips rather roughly against your own, biting your bottom lip. Moving his hands down your backside, they stopped at your ass, instantly lifting you up as your legs wrapped around his waist, you sliding in your tongue into the kiss. Feeling his heart rapidly beat against his chest as yours had done the same to your own chest, feeling yourself becoming antsy as you wanted more to come out of the shared moment.

Moving onto the bed as Kylo sat you on him, his hands moved on to the back of your neck as he separated from the kiss, his bottom lip in between your teeth before you had let go. Taking in deep breaths as Kylo slouched the slightest to move his lips onto your jaw line, leaving small, soft kisses as you smiled. It was only kissing yet, it felt so euphoric.

Lightly moaning, just enough that Kylo could hear, his heart fluttered. He never thought hearing such noise would make him so on edge. The sound of you moaning in pleasure was enough to set him off. He wanted to take you, all or nothing.

"I can't hold back any longer, y/n..." He breathed as he spoke against your skin, only to look up and at you. "I want this. Do you?" Nodding your head rather eagerly, in a matter of seconds, Kylo had lied you on the bed, the man already halfway down unbuttoning the shirt you had been in. Leaving it partially opened as he left a trail of kisses from your collar bone, down your chest, in between your breasts and down to the hem of your sleeping pants, your breathing hitched. Never had you thought Kylo was capable of being the dominant one; at least you never imagined seeing as you were more dominant.

But, at the moment, you couldn't help but feel small underneath him, especially the way he was kissing you and handling your body as if it were a shrine he was praising.

Siting up and sliding down the pants he had been in, quickly tossing them to a side, your eyes widened--did he not sleep with briefs under his pajamas? 

Feeling your breathing becoming staggered, your body nearly shivered at the size of him. "Fuck..." You lightly muttered, Kylo removing your pants as you couldn't seem to brace yourself for him. 

Unable to look away, you sat up and quickly pulled him back into the kiss, catching him off guard. Kissing him with such need, you were now practically on top of him as Kylos hands grabbed onto your now opened top, removing it from you and tossing it to a side as his hands glided up your bare back. Thinking about earlier and the moment he had when you had been straddling him, Kylo's hands moved to your chest, hands grabbing onto your breasts causing him to nearly whimper.

It didn't help that both of you were quite dominant, so when Kylo decided to flip you over and practically tear off your underwear to then slide inside of you in a matter of seconds, you were in complete shock; eyes wide as your mouth fell open. Were you really in bed with Kylo? Was this _actually_ Kylo? Did he have this side to him that had been dormant for practically forever?

Latching onto his hair as Kylo propped himself up with one hand, his other moving one of your legs around his waist, he rocked his hips. " _Stars_..." You moaned, biting your bottom lip as your eyes rolled back in satisfaction. In all honesty, you should've expected something like that to happen with the rather eventful day you had with Kylo.

Keeping a steady pace, Kylo only quickened up his speed, your eyes fluttering close as you tugged at his hair. Resting his forehead against your shoulder as you practically moaned in his ear, Kylo let out soft grunts. He never wanted the sensation to end, he wanted to feel you to the point he _couldn't_ even feel any longer. He wanted to remember it all, the way he perfectly fit inside of you as you panted and moaned.

But as much as he wanted it to last forever, his body couldn't possible handle the sensation the moment was giving him, he was already shaking; it didn't help that earlier it took him almost the entire time you had been gone to relieve himself of being so hard. It also didn't help that the two of you were making out naked in the hot spring, now this? He felt as if he was going to explode, but he wanted to hold it in, he wanted to feel you for as long as he possibly could, to hear you cry out just a bit more.

Panting as his hand grabbed a fistful of the cots bedsheet, Kylo threw his head back as he shut his eyes rather tightly, your eyes slowly opening as you could see Kylo struggling. "It's okay...don't hold back..." You breathed, Kylo shaking his head. "Kylo..." Hearing you say his name, Kylo couldn't hold it any longer. Giving you one last buck, Kylo released himself, eyes falling open as he took in deep breaths as if he had been holding them in.

Removing himself from you and feeling himself practically fall onto your bare chest, Kylo wrapped his arms around you. Even though you were completely naked in a very cold room, your body heat was high and Kylo's own radiated off of you and kept you warm. "I didn't last long enough..." He mumbled into your skin, catching his breath as you lightly smiled.

"That's okay...neither did I." Moving your arm to wrap around him as your hand slid into his hair, your other lied on his cheek, thumb gently rubbing against it. Feeling Kylo leave a soft kiss against your chest, a small smile grew on your lips. Your heart couldn't possibly take it anymore, if this was a sign to do-- _say_ \--something, then you had to take it. 

But were you ready?

Hearing nothing but heavy breathing, Kylo took in the moment, appreciating it. It all happened in the heat of the moment but it was worth it. It was worth it because he knew you wouldn't let just anyone see you the way he had or even _have_ you. But the question still lingered, did you-"Stay the night...please."


	18. Forever?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Forever?"

It had almost seemed impossible to fit two people on that small cot--specially with a man of Kylo's size. But, somehow, the two of you made it work. Lying completely bare on top of him, cuddled up against his chest as his arms wrapped around your waist, the blanket covered the two of you. Although the blanket was too thin, the heat being radiated off of Kylo's body seemed to have warmed you up.

Fluttering your eyes open, you were only presented to a vast terrain of sand. Narrowing your brows, you slowly sat up, heat causing your form to sweat as the light wind made your loose hair to gently flow with it. Unsure as to where you were or how you ended up there, you stood up, eyeing your surroundings and seeing nothing but sand dunes everywhere.

Using your hand as a visor, your eyes squinted. It didn't help that there had been a pair suns shining down on you as they were high in the sky.

Fanning yourself, your attention turned to the outfit you were in--it almost looked as if you had been in Jedi attire, minus the robes, pants, and sleeves. It was more of a dress in a beige color, boots covering up your feet and just under you knees. Since when were you in that? And since when did you keep your hair down?

Feeling a sudden tug in the Force, your brows narrowed. " _Follow the pull..._ " A voice softly spoke as if coming from the sky.

Looking up, and then around you, you instantly turned around. " _That way_." It spoke again, you gulping.

Feeling the Force guide you in the direction you had now been facing in, you slowly began to walk. " _You feel it, it calls for you_." Blinking as you quickened up your pace, a sudden wave of anticipation had hit you.

" _Let your feet guide you. Go, run. Not much time is left_." Sprinting now, you followed your instincts. Wherever it was taking you was wherever the voice wanted you to go.

" _Close...you can feel it, can you?_ " Lightly panting as you ran across the sandy plain, you nodded. Somehow, for some odd reason, you could feel whatever it was they wanted you to feel. You weren't sure what it was, but it called for you like a magnet. Whatever it may be, it felt as if you were destined to have it.

" _The object you seek is not too far off. Follow the Force and it will take you there_." Continuing your run, you slowed down your pace as a sunstone hut came into view.

" _Quickly, child, you've not got much time_." The voice spoke rather desperately, you jogging over. Whatever you were searching for, it was in there.

You could feel it, as if a the Force had been ringing in your ears like white noise. It made your skin crawl. What was it that made your emotions run all over the place? " _Hurry! The galaxy depends on you_..." About to make it towards the entrance, you suddenly fell through what felt like quicksand...or, what was actually a hole in the ground.

Gasping as you were free falling, you suddenly landed on a metallic ground, a bland hallway brightly lit now in your view. Sitting up, you slowly stood up and looked either way. Where had the voice gone to guide you? And why was there no longer a tug in the Force?

Gulping as you suddenly felt uneasy, body growing tense as your fists clenched at your sides, you looked over to your right as you sensed despair.

Carefully walking as if the ground beneath you could shatter in any given second, your heart began to race, loudly pounding against your ears. What happened? Why were you now feeling a sense of fear rather than determination?

Feeling as if the hall was never ending, you came to a stop as a pair of doors came to view...much like the doors to the training room on the Finalizer.

Furrowing your brows, you hesitantly lifted a hand up, resting it on the metal and instantly shivering. Nothing good was being felt from within there, almost as if the vibe it gave off was rather...harsh and dreadful. The sudden feeling of your stomach turning didn't make you feel any better.

Shutting your eyes for a moment, you gave the door a little push, seeing them open up. Being presented by darkness, your heart pounded against your chest. There wasn't a single positive feeling you got from the ambience within the vast room. It all felt too cryptic.

Taking a step in, slowly one foot after the other as the light from the hallway began to fade away from the closing door, you nearly jumped at the slam.

Looking back over, your heart sank. Everywhere you looked, there was nothing but bodies lying about. Blinking, your eyes widened as you recognized one. "Finn?!" You exclaimed, rushing to his side and flipping his body over, seeing a rather clean jab right through his chest as if a lightsaber had done it.

Checking his pulse as you felt nothing, you instantly stood up, slowly backing up and feeling the back of your foot hit something. Turning around, there lied Poe, eyes still open but not a single shift in his chest--in the same predicament as Finn. "No...no, Poe..."

Looking to your left, you then saw Rey, her own lightsaber hilt lying in her open hand as her stomach had the incision.

Feeling the sudden urge to puke, your eyes landed on Luke and Leia, the two right next to each other, not a single thing being felt from them as their life Force had been long gone.

What happened to them? Who had done this? And why were you alive when they weren't?

Hearing the crackling sound of what you easily identified as Kylo's lightsaber, your now blurry vision slowly shifted along with your body, turning around and seeing Kylo there on his knees. "Kylo?" You softly called out, realizing he wasn't the one holding his saber, rather...you? "N-no..."

Lifting up the saber as your attention was set on Kylo as he sat there, head hanging low with an expression of defeat and pain written all over it, you heart skipped a beat. "Finish it." Hearing the recognizable, eerie voice, your head snapped over. There stood Snoke, hovering behind you like a shadow. "Then, we will have our victory."

Shaking your head, your throat locked. "No...no..." Blinking away the tears as you were now rapidly shaking your head, you couldn't seem to breathe right. "No, don't do it!" You called out. "Don't do it!" You reached forward, running over but only feeling as if they were growing farther and farther with each step you took. "No! Don't do it! Please!" You pleaded, only to see the lightsaber come crashing down. "NO! KYLO!"

Being hurtled out of the nightmare as your eyes flew open, chest heaving as your breathing had become sporadic, you could feel the trail of tears down your face as you panted. Gulping and trying to catch your breath, you felt the soft skin against your palm, only lifting your head up and seeing Kylo lying underneath you.

Letting out a deep sigh as you rested your forehead against his chest, you only wrapped you arms around his neck and cried into his shoulder. The last thing you wanted to lose him...specially to you.

It was horrifying, seeing your own self killing the man you had become so attached to, seeing yourself succumb to the dark side. It felt almost as if that were your newfound worst fear and it was haunting you. But why the sudden dream? Was it because the two of you had reached _that_ level of trust between one another to share such an intimate moment? Was that the Force warning you that what you two had wasn't safe?

Or was it something else all together?

Whatever it may be, you didn't like it one bit. You never wanted to see Kylo die, specially not when the blood was on _your_ hands. So what was the idea behind it? Was that your fear trying to scare you? Or were you subconsciously trying to tell yourself something?

But that didn't explain what happened before on the desert field you were on. Were the two tied or was it something completely different? And what were you supposed to find?

Too sahken up to even think about it--although it had lingered in the back of your min--you quietly sobbed, body lightly vibrating as you held onto Kylo for dear life.

Feeling the disturbance in the Force as a tight grip was felt around him, Kylo's brows furrowed. He could feel it in his heart and stomach, the pain and fear. But what had been causing it?

Slowly opening his eyes, they only widened as he heard your soft crying, instantly moving a hand to rest on the back of your head as the other gently rubbed against your back. "Y/n?" His hoarse voice vibrated in your ears as your heart fluttered. At least now you were completely sure he was, in fact, alive.

"Kylo..." You muttered against his skin, "Please...don't leave me..."

Narrowing his brows even more as your body trembled in his hold, a heavy sense of grief and panic was radiating off of you; his grip only grew tighter. "Never."

"I'm sorry..." You nearly whispered, Kylo's heart sinking as he wasn't sure as to why you were apologizing. "I'm so sorry..."

"Y/n...what's going-"

"Don't go..." You lightly spoke. "Don't die on me...ever." Keeping your eyes shut as your brows trembled from you trying so hard not to completely breakdown, Kylo gulped. What had caused you to be such way? Had something triggered it?

"Y/n, tell me, what happened?" He asked, you taking in a shaky breath, Kylo moving his hands so he could lift your face up for him to see, brushing away the tears with his thumbs. "What triggered this?"

"I..." Unable to say it, you shook your head. "I...I just..."

"Y/n...please..." Kylo pleaded, Brows scrunching up as he looked at you with such concern.

"I had a vivid...I had a really vivid nightmare..." You breathed, still feeling as shaky as ever.

"About what?" Kylo quietly questioned.

"Your death..." You looked away, heart snapping at the thought of it. You've come so far with your feelings for this man that the last thing you wanted for Kylo Ren was death. "I-I saw you die and...and..." Shaking your head, more tears pulled up. "Everyone else had, as well..."

Blinking as he eyed you, your bottom lip quivering as you took in shaky breaths, Kylo sat up with you, pulling you into his chest for a tight embrace. Feeling your small frame shiver and shake against his rather large one as you held onto his back, you rested your head on his shoulder. "It's a nightmare...I'm still here." He spoke up, you holding tightly onto him as if you never wanted to let go. "And I am sure everyone else is still alive."

Taking in deep breaths as all you could see in your thoughts were flashing images of you murdering Kylo with his own lightsaber, your breath hitched. "I can't...I can't lose them." You shook your head. "And I definitely...I definitely can't lose you." Feeling his heart race rapidly against his chest, Kylo's eyes slightly widened. You were slowly opening up to him more and more that whenever you had said anything to the matter that Kylo was, in fact, important to you...he couldn't help but be in complete awe.

"You won't lose me, okay?" Pressing a kiss against your shoulder, he then pressed one on the side of your head. "I will be by your side...and I will be yours forever."

Having a lump suddenly form in your throat as your eyes opened, growing in size, you felt as if your heart had stopped. He wanted to be yours. Forever. "Forever?" You quietly asked, eyes still wide.

Taking in a deep breath as he nodded, Kylo held you close, "Yes, forever. For as long as the stars allow me. For as long as the Force wants me to stand by your side. Our forever." Lifting your head up, your hands held onto his face as you pulled him into a kiss. Every chance you had, you took it, because you never knew what your forever would be.

After all, with the dreams you've had, there was a chance they were precognitions.

You just prayed to the stars they weren't. You didn't want to be the cause of death for those you considered family or the man you loved. You couldn't handle more any deaths, your heart couldn't take it.

. . .

"The Finalizer..." Poe spoke. "Never thought I'd see that hideous thing again." Gathering what he needed for the mission as the rest of black squadron had, Luke, Chewie and Rey packed up their necessities on the Falcon.

"Has anyone seen Finn?" Rey spoke up, walking down the ramp. "I haven't seen him in a couple of hours...I know he's still here but I'm not sure where?" She narrowed her brows.

"Same goes for Leia, she's been missing for quite a bit." Luke added as Chewie roared. "That is true, she could be busy...but that doesn't explain Finn."

"Maybe he's helping the general with whatever it is that's busying her." Poe spoke over to the three as Chewie nodded.

Although, originally, she had wanted to go straight to your living quarters, she was only stopped. Having to constantly postpone it as things came up--being the busy general she was--she finally had the chance to break away. 

Hurriedly walking down the halls, practically avoiding anything and everyone, she came to a stop. "I haven't been here in a while..."

Punching in the code, the door slid open, a sudden burst of cold air hitting her. Smelling the scent of the perfume you usually wore, Leia let out a small breath. It was your scent, anyone could easily smell it if you were a foot away. It was unique to you--also because you insisted you buy the same perfume you've had for years--you just really loved your Naboo perfume.

Walking in and eyeing the rather dark room, turning on the lights, Leia nearly shivered. It was so dead in there, everything being in place and not a single thing moved as if the room were vacant. The feeling Leia got only made her sigh; it almost felt as if she had walked into the room of someone who had passed on.

Walking over to where your bed sat, Leia's eyes landed on the now dead flowers that were placed near the framed image of your parents, only to see a rather old image beside it of you and a slightly older girl.

Reaching out to it as she gently got a hold of it, Leia nearly flinched.

_Opening up the frame and tossing it before removing the photo, you were about to crumble the image before Kylo completely stopped you. "What are you doing?!"_

_Reaching up to his hand as he held it up, you clutched onto his shirt as you tiptoed. "It's...none of your business...Ren!"_

_Pulling your hand off of his shirt and pushing you back, Kylo held onto your wrist. "Don't be so stupid and destroy the one good thing you have left of them!" Gasping, Kylo's jaw tightened as he had snapped on you. "Whoever they are, they must mean something to you and your family if the photo is in here."_

_"Like I said," Sliding your wrist from his hold, you turned around and walked towards the front door, "they're no one."_

_Looking down at the photo, Kylo eyed it, seeing how much the young woman had resembled you in looks. Although she must've been a good amount of years older, he could see many similarities between the two of you. "She's your sister, isn't she?" Looking up, Kylo realized you had gone. "Kid?"_

Letting out a small gasp, Leia placed the image back down. So you had been sneaking off to see Kylo, but when?

Turning her attention over to your other nightstand, Leia saw a rather dead flower lying on it. Walking around your bed to get to it, Leia's brows narrowed. For some reason, the Force had gravitated her towards it. Lightly touching out, more images fluttered through her mind.

_Looking down at the ground beneath you, Kylo took a step forward as you had grown closer. He wanted to say something, but no words could slip off of his tongue, he had no clue what to even say. How was he supposed to? For the past half decade or so, all he ever felt was anger and pain...not sorrow for someone else he had grown to care for. "Here."_

_Shifting your eyes up as you had come to a complete stop, the first thing in your line of vision was a flower. It wasn't the prettiest flower nor was it the liveliest, but it still was a flower and it was the gesture that counted--Kylo giving you something with sentimental value. Feeling the heat suddenly rise up to your cheeks as you felt your body grow tense, you fought a smile from showing. "You got me...a flower?" You questioned. Are you fucking kidding me, you're supposed to be evil. Be evil! Evil men don't give mourning women flowers!_

_Seeing him nod his head, you smirked the slightest, grabbing onto it and flicking his forehead. "Dweeb."_

Moving the tips of her fingers away, a small smile grew on her lips as tears pooled up in her eyes. She hadn't noticed it until then that she had been tearing up.

The thought--the _sight_ \--of her son caring for someone and being so compassionate made her heart ache. This was the man who terrorized the galaxy, who murdered his comrades along with his father and tortured her men. Yet, when it came to you, it was like he couldn't be any of that...as if you were his weakness and couldn't help but want to be a better version of himself around you.

Growing wide eyed at the sudden realization, Leia spoke to herself, "That's it...that's what Finn is feeling."

Just about to rush out of your room, Leia came to a sudden stop as something caught the corner of her eye. Turning her head, Leia walked over to your slightly opened closet and saw a glass bottle sitting in there. Since when did you have Coruscant liquor?

Tiptoeing and grabbing onto it, she eyed the bottle. "Outlander Club..." Narrowing her brows, even more images had attacked her. She wasn't sure why this was happening, but she knew for a fact the Force was trying to communicate with her.

Seeing the two of you meet up, then speak about something, only to be on a speeder as you two parked at the club, Leia could see you and Kylo taking a drink, eventually finding your way about Coruscant. Then the almost kiss appeared, only to shift into more wandering about until you two were standing in front of the vessel you had taken.

_Smiling down at you, Kylo took in a deep breath. "I guess I'll see you in the next battle..." He sighed, you looking up at him and slightly frowning. You hated how that's how your encounters with him went. "I don't want to hold you back any longer..." He stuck his hands into his pockets as you simply nodded. "Get back home safe, let me in once you do."_

_"Why? So you can annoy me?" You joked as Kylo shook his head with a small grin._

_"No, so I know that you're okay." Feeling your heart sink at the sound of Kylo's voice softening, he bent down the slightest, lips brushing against your cheek and sending chills down your spine before he kissed the soft skin. "Your safety is all that matters to me."_

_Gulping as you kept your focus ahead, you felt your stomach doing somersaults as your body stiffened, cheeks heating up as you felt yourself becoming flustered. It was like Kylo's lips were made of fire and every time they had come to contact with your cheek, it burned._

_Slowly about to stand back straight, your hands left your sides, gently holding onto the back of his neck as your head turned, lips pressing against his own as your eyes shut the moment the pair came into contact._

_Being stunned was an understatement, Kylo thought that after what happened earlier, he'd have to wait months--if not, years--for his chance to get a kiss from you...not hours later. Feeling the butterflies in his stomach swarm around, Kylo's eyes slowly shut, taking in the small moment as he knew he wasn't going to get this ever again._

_Leaning back, you turned around without a word, rather quickly climbing into the 'stolen' spaceship as Kylo stood there in complete satisfaction, fingers brushing against his lips as he could feel the euphoria still linger in the taste your lips left behind._

_Watching you fly off, Kylo took in a deep breath before turning back around to walk to the speeder. He had only hoped that he'd see you again sooner, except not in a war zone._

"He likes her?" Eyeing the partially empty bottle, Leia shook her head. "No...he _loves_ her?" Quickly placing the bottle back, Leia rushed out of your living quarters. "Where is Finn? Has anyone seen Finn?" Leia spoke to passing officers and pilots. "Has anyone-"

"General?" Swiftly turning around, Leia latched onto Finn's arm and pulled him with her.

"Finn, I think I have an understanding as to why you feel such way about the situation." She spoke, dragging him back to your living quarters.

"W-what do you mean?" He furrowed his brows, quickly following along.

"I went into y/n's room...there were a few things I had touched that triggered some sort of memory that connected to the item." Coming to a stop in front of your personal quarters door, Leia now held on to his upper arms. "Kylo Ren... _my son_ loves y/n."

Growing wide eyed, Finn only blinked. "Wait...wait, what?!" Narrowing his brows once again, Finn shook his head. "L-love? That-that can't be it. That can't explain why he'd...do such...a thing like protect her..." Sighing, Finn rubbed his face. "But that doesn't explain why kidnap her?"

"Maybe its what you said, maybe he wasn't behind it? Finn, I know my son." Leia spoke. "Even if I wasn't around him much, I know him...and the look in his eyes with the feelings he received each time he saw y/n...I could sense adoration."

"The commander...and our captain..." Finn spoke.

"Finn...my son is in love with her." Leia breathed. "And I am sure y/n is in love with him as well."

. . .

Although it had taken you quite a bit to calm down and fall back to sleep, you soon found yourself at ease as you rested up against Kylo--this time, the two of you practically tangled up with one another. Holding you close to his chest as your forearms rested against it, taking in his body heat, you were flung back into your dream world.

Waking up to a rather bright sky, body burning as a thin layer of sweat covered your face, you slowly sat up. There you were, back again, lost in the sandy terrain. Unsure as to where exactly you were as it couldn't possibly be Jakku with the binary stars, your brows furrowed. "Tatooine?"

" _Y/n_..." Hearing the voice, your eyes lifted up to the sky. " _Your journey is not over, it has just begun_."

Standing up, you looked around. " _Do not let the darkness fool you. Do not let your fears tempt you. Follow the light. Let it guide you._ " Feeling the tug in the Force, you began to walk, somewhere your feet were guiding you to.

" _You are the galaxies hope. You will carry on the legacy. The hope I once held within myself._ " Letting out small pants as you darted across the sand dunes, the voice continued on. " _You will save the galaxy and you will save the boy._ " Coming to a sudden stop, your brows scrunched up. " _You are the light that will brighten up the darkness. Go on, y/n, your path awaits you_."

Going back into your sprint, you slowed down as the same hut from before appeared again. " _They will not take you this time. Follow the Force, let it guide you. The darkness will not deceive you. You are close._ "

Gulping, you rushed on, completely avoiding the newfound hole in the ground and making it to the entrance of the hut. " _Hurry, you haven't got much time. Something comes this way._ "

Nodding as if the person speaking could see you, you opened the door. " _It is calling to you. Find it. From there out, your journey awaits_."

Walking inside of the home, studying it as you walked along, you came to a stop in front of a small chest. Crouching down and lying your hands on the latches, opening them, you took in a small breath. " _You can do it._ "

Opening it up, your eyes widened as your ears began to ring. " _Grab it. Take it. It is yours now. Use it wisely, it will be all that you need to fight this battle._ "

Reaching in and pulling it out, your body shivered, a rush running through your veins as you eyed the contraption. " _What was once mine is now yours. I pass it down to you, y/n._ " Feeling everything around you slowly hollowing out as the weapon in your hand began to fade, you gasped. " _Your time is now to find it. I have guided you within your dreams and showed you where you must go_."

" _When the time comes, an opportunity will strike. Take it. Go where the Force lights your path_." Slowly slipping back into consciousness as the voice began to echo out, its last words nearly haunted you, " _Then, you will find me_."


	19. Keep It Alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "My dead soul couldn't possibly stay dead when I've found something to keep it alive."

Standing in front of the small crowd as Leia gave off an empowering speech before her men as they were about to leave on their mission, she took in a small breath. "I know how risky this mission will be for you all...infiltrating the First Order's vessel that is the Finalizer, watching out for your two comrades who will go inside...but, this is vital. Y/n is a fellow officer, soldier, and Resistance member. She means just as much to this organization like each and everyone of you do. I have hope in my men and I know you can handle this. That is why I send you off." She nodded. "May the Force be with you."

Seeing everybody nod before they darted off to prepare, piling into their vessels and readying themselves to begin the mission, Leia walked up to Luke. "I went to y/n's room..."

"What did you find?" He spoke over to her as Leia took in a small breath.

"It wasn't much...but it said a lot." She nodded, looking down before looking over at her twin. "Luke...Ben is still in there and I think," Taking in a deep breath, Leia felt her eyes burn up, "I think y/n is the reason why he's coming back to himself."

"What do you mean?" Luke questioned.

"Ben...he's been seeing her, protecting her on the battlefield. I can't say how I know, but-but I've seen it through items." She stated. "Luke...I don't think my son has anything to do with her kidnapping, even if it were his men. It can't be, I don't believe it. Luke, the things I saw, the things he's done...it wouldn't make sense as to why he would do such a thing."

Eyeing his sister as he could sense the worry, Luke lied a hand on her shoulder. "Rey and I will find her and by then we will know." Nodding her head, Leia lightly swallowed. "For now, keep that hope in you."

"I want them safe..."

"And they will be, we will find them." Luke nodded. "We will bring them home." At that, Luke gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze before walking off.

"Bring them home..." Leia repeated as she watched Luke walk up the ramp alongside Rey. "Please..."

. . .

Lying with your eyes shut as you were caught in between the real world and your dream world, you couldn't seem to get the thought out of your mind--the weapon. You had the sudden urge to find it, to make it your own. At this point, you knew you were destined to find it after the many dreams you've had relating to the man who owned it...but, why did it call to _you_?

It felt almost as if you were in a trance and the only set goal for you was to sneak out and escape to Tatooine to find the object...but how? Not only was Kylo constantly by your side and could easily sense your intentions, Snoke was also nearby. _When the time comes, an opportunity will strike._

Letting the Force take control as you knew it had a set path for you, you slowly opened your eyes. If now wasn't the time to go, then you'd know soon enough.

Eyeing Kylo as he was the first thing in your line of vision, you lightly smiled. He looked so peaceful asleep. Even though the two of you have shared a bed numbers of times, you still couldn't get over how cute he looked when he was resting.

His expression was so tranquil, so at ease like he's never been. During one of the nights you had been cuddled up against Kylo, he told about how he barely slept on the daily--his most sleep was below the average which only made you concern. The man also admitted that each time he slept with you, he actually slept rather than lied in bed for hours trying to find a comfortable position or be bombarded by nightmares. You helped him rest, and sometimes, you were the center of his dreams.

It made you happy knowing you helped him out with his troubles, at least a small bit. He needed it and you knew how much of an influence you had on him. You just still couldn't grasp the idea. It still amazed you how much a man like Kylo Ren was enthralled in you.

It also amazed you how much you were enthralled in a man like Kylo Ren.

Moving your hand to gently rest on his cheek, your finger carefully pushed some of his hair back as your thumb caressed his scar. A moment like this one was one you wished you could have forever--lying completely intertwined with Kylo, underneath the sheets as you gazed at the man who offered you his whole heart.

Although the two of you were completely in the nude, on a rather small bed, you didn't mind; as long as you were with him. You knew, _eventually_ , you were going to have to leave.

The path you were on now wasn't the one the Force had planned out for you. The Force had something set in stone and, eventually--if not, soon enough--you were going to have to abandon Kylo.

For now, you were going to appreciate the small proximity the two of you had. You never knew when the next time you'd have it, let alone, if you ever will; so you took it all in.

Soon, you were going to have to go your own way. With the dreams you've been having, warning you and trying to tell you something, you knew this was only the beginning. Now that the Force has awakened within you, you had so much in store.

You just hoped it was in your favor. And you had hoped Kylo was included as well.

Feeling his breathing lightly fan your face as he softly exhaled through his nose, you gave the tip of it a small kiss. This man had made you feel things no one else had ever before. He made your heart flutter as if it were about to fling out. He made your breathing unsteady as if you were in a battle. He even made you weak when being weak was the last thing you ever wanted to feel.

All because he loved you.

Something you still shivered at because a man like Kylo Ren could not easily feel, let alone admit, to such a beautiful thing. Yet, here he was, loving you as much as his dark heart could possibly.

Sensing that he was waking up, you turned your attention to his chest, not wanting him to see you gawking at his breathtaking face. You had to admit, you did love his face even with his flaws. There was something about those sleepless eyes, the large scar, and his off-centered jaw that made your heart race. For someone who's clearly gone through hell, he looked pretty damn hot coming out of it.

Hearing light groaning coming from the man, you lightly gulped, hoping he didn't sense your staring or admiration.

Moving his hand to gently hold onto your wrist as you realized your hand had still been lying on his cheek, you instantly looked up. Feeling your stomach turn as Kylo looked at you with such fondness, you shyly looked away as your heart lodged up in your throat. You definitely weren't used to anyone looking at you the way he had been as if you were one of the brightest stars in the night sky.

"Don't look at me like that..." You mumbled against the skin of his chest as Kylo simply smiled.

"Why not?" His hoarse voice spoke up, sending chills down your spine.

"Because..." Shutting your eyes for a moment, you sighed. "Because, it makes me feel vulnerable."

"Vulnerable?" Kylo questioned as you nodded. "Why's that?"

"I...I just do. No one has ever looked at me the way you do with such...adoration." You spoke, still not looking up at him as your cheeks burned. He made you feel so weak it made you sick to the stomach.

"That's because no one has truly appreciated you." Kylo responded as your heart pounded against your chest. "No one understands you the way I do...no one has ever-" Cutting himself off as he took in a deep breath, Kylo gave your wrist a small squeeze. "No one has ever adored you the way I have."

Swallowing the sudden lump in your throat as you wanted to melt right there and then, you shook your head. "Kylo..." You groaned the slightest. "What happened to your dead soul?"

Narrowing his brows as he grinned, Kylo lifted your hand from his cheek and gave it a kiss. "My dead soul couldn't possibly stay dead when I've found something to keep it alive."

"I kinda miss it..." You lied as Kylo rolled his eyes.

"You don't...you're just not used to someone making you feel such way." He spoke as you knew he was right. "And _I'm_ not used to being such way...but, you bring it out of me. For some odd reason, it makes me feel a bit better about life, even if I'm not accustomed to such feelings...I want to feel them for you. I've come to embrace it."

Feeling slightly guilty, you slowly looked up. "I can't believe I'm even saying this to you...but I don't deserve this."

"Don't say that." Kylo narrowed his brows, moving his grip onto your hand as he held tightly. "You deserve every bit of it, specially since the man who loves you is a man as troubled as I am."

"I really don't, Kylo...I mean, I have this habit of losing-"

"Shhh..." He hushed as you frowned the slightest. "I don't deserve you, yet, here I am...appreciating every little thing about you."

Taking in a deep breath as you nodded, you scooted up the slightest and kissed his cheek. "Thank you, Kylo." You smiled as he lightly nodded.

Eyeing his lips as you had the urge to kiss them and make them more red than they already were, Kylo was a step ahead of you as his own pressed against yours. Feeling your heart doing somersaults, Kylo let go of your hand and moved his on to the back of your head, your own lying against his chest before an arm wrapped over his shoulders.

Kissing each other rather passionately as Kylo moved on top of you, forearms keeping him balanced beside you as your hands slid into his hair, you smiled against the kiss. The one thing that drove your heart wild was Kylo making the first move and kissing you.

You truly loved the feeling of his full lips moving against your own; they were so soft and so kissable that you could never get enough of them. Whether they were kissing your own lips or your body, you never wanted the sensation to end.

Feeling the kiss slow down as Kylo left soft ones against your cheek, you smiled. If there was one thing you wish you could do for hours, it would be to feel Kylo's lips against your skin you. His lips made you so weak you could possibly never have enough.

"I think it's time I go..." Kylo spoke, leaning up and looking down at you as you lightly frowned. "Snoke could walk in in any given moment and find us like this."

Sighing, you looked away. You didn't want him to go, but you knew the risks of him not leaving. You also didn't want his warmth to leave your body or for the sweet moment to end. "I suppose..." You sighed once again, Kylo easily sensing your disappointment. "I don't want us getting caught either way."

"Y/n..."

"No-no...it's-it's okay. It's enough you stayed the night and risked it...I don't want you getting in any sort of problems." You nodded, still not looking at him.

"Snoke will be gone before you know it, then, you can come back to our bed." Hearing 'our', your heart skipped a beat as you looked over at him. "Uh... _my_ bed."

"I think you should go before anything." You nearly whispered with a nod. "I don't want anything ruining this."

Slowly nodding his head, he leaned down and kissed your forehead. "I promise, he'll be gone soon." He nodded, standing up and going to grab his few clothes, you sitting up and letting out a small breath, watching him dress.

"I hope so..."

"He will." Kylo looked over at you. "He won't get in the way of us." Nodding your head, Kylo lied a hand on your cheek as you slightly leaned into it. "I'll see you in the training room, kid."

Looking up at him and rolling your eyes with a small grin, Kylo smirked before walking over to the door of your temporary--what you liked to call it--cell. "Kylo..."

"Hmm?" He turned around as you took in a deep breath.

"Can you kiss me one more time?" Narrowing his brows the slightest, unsure as to why you would ask, he walked over. "I just, I know I won't be able to-" Smacking his lips against your own as if you didn't have to tell him twice, one hand lied on your cheek as his other lied on your bare back.

Breaking away, you took in a breath. "You don't have to ask." Kylo spoke, looking down at you. "I crave your kisses just as much." Blinking, you held the blanket close to your chest as you sat on your knees.

Pulling him in for one last kiss, you then pushed away. "I think you should go before I make this into a full make out."

Nodding his head, Kylo stood up straight and walked towards the door, only to rush back over to you and giving you one last kiss before leaving.

Seeing him exit the room, you smiled as you held tightly onto the sheet, falling back on the cot as you couldn't seem to hold back the big grin that was now on your face.

Biting your finger, you took in a deep breath. It was official, Kylo Ren's lips were your true weakness.

. . .

"We're all set?" Finn spoke up as Luke, Rey and Chewie nodded. "Alright...let's do this." He clapped his hands, taking his seat beside Chewie as he had been the co-pilot. Ever since his recovery from the battle of Starkiller, Finn had learned more on the Resistance base than he had ever with the Order--one thing being piloting.

"Rey." Luke called out as the young woman turned around. "I need to speak with you." He nudged his head out of the canopy as Rey nodded, following her master closely behind as they made their way towards the Dejarik table.

"What is it?" She questioned as the two sat down.

"I spoke with Leia before we departed..." Taking in a deep breath, Luke continued on. "We need to save both of them."

"Both?" Rey questioned, only to raise her brows. "Oh..."

"It's enough he wasn't brought back home the first time around, my intentions are to get him this time. Specially now that we have y/n to bring back as well, there's a chance she could help." Luke spoke as Rey narrowed her brows.

"How could y/n help? You possibly could not be thinking like Finn, now, right?" Rey asked as Luke sighed. "Luke...you don't-"

"She is our best bet. There's a high chance there is something there that we don't know about, Rey."

"His father couldn't bring him home, what makes you think some woman he's known for a short period of time could?" Rey narrowed her brows.

"It's a different kind of love." Luke breathed as Rey furrowed her brows even more. "And Ben never truly got along with his father, that relationship wasn't the best..."

"What are you trying to say? How could there be love there? Kylo Ren is a _monster_ , he couldn't possibly feel love let alone want it?" Rey spoke with such disgust. "And don't tell me you believe in that, not when he tortured Poe and I and harmed Finn."

"Leia's had visions." Luke simply spoke as Rey blinked. "They're memories that y/n's had and they all very much lead in the same direction."

"Y/n wouldn't love a man like Kylo Ren...she wouldn't love any Order men, not one who's harmed her closest friends-- _family_." Rey tightened her fists. "Kylo doesn't deserve her."

"He may not deserve her, but..." Taking in a deep breath, Luke let out a small breath. "He does have her."

"I can't believe this." Shaking her head, Rey rubbed her face. "None of this makes sense...at all. Don't tell me this is fate or that they have a bond. It's none of that. He must've brainwashed her, tricked her into falling for him. He fooled her because he couldn't stand being alone."

"Or maybe it's because the two have a lot in common." Luke spoke as Rey shot her head over to him.

"Kylo couldn't possibly compare to y/n." She spoke through gritted teeth. "Don't you dare say-"

"You're letting your anger get the best of you, Rey." Luke asserted. "Kylo has that loneliness in him, and so does y/n. Even if she has us, she still lost her family. Nothing could possibly replace that hole. Then there's the anger, except y/n can handle hers unlike Kylo. They can balance each other out, Rey. This has to be the work of the Force."

Shaking her head stubbornly, Rey didn't want to believe it. "I can't...it can't...no, that's not it. There surely has to be someone else! Or the fact that he deserves to be alone!" She exclaimed as Luke sighed.

"I understand how much you loathe this man and how much y/n means to you...but we can't always control the way the Force goes. If this is the Force working...then we must let it be." Looking at Luke as Reys body was tense, she took and let out a heavy breath. "He is, in the end, Leia's son...and I promise to bring him back as well, no matter how hard it will be. I just need to know that you'll be there to help."

Looking away as she fiddled with her thumbs, Rey slouched. "Only because we will be saving y/n in the end. I want nothing to do with that fiend." She spoke with such disgust.

"Your assurance is all I need."

. . .

Standing there completely bundled up, cloak hiding your frame as the collar of it covered your neck and a bit of your chin. Although you had been on the moon for a few days now, you still hadn't grown the slightest of accustomed to the cold weather. Taking in small breaths as Snoke had been observing you, seeing how you wielded and manipulated the Force, Kylo wasn't too far. 

Throughout the session as Snoke watched you, you could feel Kylo's reassurance whether if he reached out through the Force or gave you a look--anything for you to stay at ease and not snap. The man who had basically screwed up the galaxy was only a small distance from you...how could you not take it as an opportunity to attack?

Sadly, you couldn't. You didn't know his capabilities or his strength, let alone, what the man had planned for you. So, you held back and kept a safe distance. If you were going to have to act like you were going to succumb to the dark side, you might as well fool him.

"Interesting..." Spoke spoke as you let out a small breath. It felt like it had been hours since you had first entered the training room and all you wanted to do was submerge yourself into the hot spring. "She is far more capable than I thought." Keeping his eyes on you as he spoke over to Kylo, you stood there and kept to yourself. 

Whenever you tuned out the world around you and got lost in your own thoughts, you constantly found yourself thinking about the dreams. Although you assumed the nightmares would've consumed you more, you couldn't help but think about the other dreams that felt like pending quests, waiting for you to start them. 

The question was, when would that be? A part of you was anticipating it, as if your body knew exactly what to do even if a small portion of you had no clue what the Force was trying to tell you.

"That is it for today." Snoke spoke. "I will leave you be...but, I will be back soon." Nodding your head once, you shifted your attention towards Kylo, only to walk on. Passing by him, Kylo reached out into the Force towards you as you took in a deep breath. Relief.

Exiting the training room as Kylo tried his best not to look over his shoulder to watch you, he kept his focus on Snoke. "I've come to the decision that she should configure her own lightsaber so the process of her training can quicken up." Kylo spoke.

Just about to completely leave the area, you felt a sudden tug in the Force, keeping you near the entrance of the training room. "She learned rather easily...and quickly. She's a far more advanced apprentice than you were..."

"I'm well aware of that..." Hearing the disappointment in Kylo's tone, your lips curled up into a grin. For some reason, the Force wanted you to eavesdrop on the conversation.

"This means she will complete her training in no time, Ren. She will help us crush the Resistance once and for all. We will be able to conquer, to rule the galaxy. To rightfully finish what the Empire failed to achieve." Narrowing your brows the slightest as you tried your best to keep your heart at a steady pace, not wanting to alarm either of them that your presence was near, you heard Snoke continue on. "She is just what we need. The ultimate weapon. Skywalker and the scavenger won't stand a chance against either of you. Not when the two of you are together on the field."

"Yes. They won't see it coming, I'm sure they did not expect their comrade to be Force sensitive...let alone, this strong with the Force." Kylo spoke as you simply stood there, quietly listening.

Too focused on the fact that Kylo was trying to be convincible and agree with everything the supreme leader had been saying, he hadn't realized your presence still lingered close, not knowing you were right behind the wall. "I have a lot-" Instantly being cut off as the holo-pad that sat near the entrance of the training room went off, the two turned to face it. "General Hux...what is it?"

"We are being invaded. It seems as if the Resistance have found our location in deep space and have boarded the Finalizer." Hux spoke as Kylo stood there, quietly listening. He knew exactly why it was happening, there was no doubt his mother would plan a rescue mission for you. 

"The Resistance? Who exactly has boarded the vessel?" Snoke questioned.

"It has been said a pair of Force users...Skywalker and the scavenger." Growing wide eyed, your heart skipped a beat as a sudden voice echoed in your head. _Go, now!_

 Without even thinking twice, your feet were moving before you could even process. This was the sign you needed, the signal you needed to receive in order to make your great escape. This was your chance to make a move.

But why were you doing it?

You weren't sure exactly why you had to do it or who had been speaking to you, let alone, why you were destined to be on such path, but you were doing it without second guessing it or the Force.

Rushing towards where you remembered to be the entrance, you were instantly greeted by heavy winds and the sound of thunder. Holding your arms close as your teeth chattered, you darted over to Rens ship. 

Your skin was tingling and your ears were ringing, heart pumping as your anxious soul became antsy. Your time was now and you had to do what the Force was telling you to. 

Sitting in the pilots seat as you eyed the panel, gulping as you weren't sure what you were even supposed to do, you nearly panicked. _Do not let your fear and worry blind you_. _You can do it. Focus on the Force, let it guide you and then you can do it._ The voice spoke as you nodded, instantly working your way around the panel as if you had flown the ship dozens of times.

Feeling the ship lift as it hovered in the air, your heart raced. Manning the panel, you shut your eyes for a moment. "The Force is with me...I can do it."

Seeing the hologram fade away, Kylo clenched his jaw as Snoke tightened and loosened his fists. "Take your apprentice with you, you must defend the ship and make sure the two do not get too far in their plans." Snoke spoke over to Kylo. "Now is her chance to prove her worthiness. You must go." Without even saying a word, Kylo rushed out of the room. 

Searching for your presence as he rushed along the halls, he only furrowed his brows. Where were you and why couldn't he feel you? Running down the walkway, turning corners and searching rooms, Kylos breathing began to quicken. "Y/n?!" He called out, rushing to his room and not sensing you, searching the wash room, only to exit the room. "Y/n?!" He called out again, running to the small 'cell' that you were staying in, not finding you their either nor the hot spring.

Feeling himself slowly panicking, he gulped. Had you gone? Did you escape? Did you just leave him without a goodbye?

Searching the entire cavern and not finding you anywhere, reaching out into the Force and not getting a response, Kylo suddenly froze. "No..." Sprinting towards the main entrance and out into the freezing atmosphere, Kylo lifted his hand up as a visor, trying to block out the bright light being exerted from his ship. "No!" He shouted, rushing over, only for the ship to liftoff and disappear. "Y/n!" He shouted, panting. "Y/N!" He yelled at the top of his longs, feeling his heart snap.

Did you not take the moment you two shared the night before seriously? Was it all an act to get him to loosen up so you could leave easily? Did everything he do to and for you mean absolutely nothing?

He couldn't let it be, he couldn't let his fears get the best of him, not this time. Not when he actually wanted to fight for something.

Looking over to the ship Snoke had brought, Kylo instantly rushed over to it. He wasn't about to lose you. Not now, not ever.


	20. Afraid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm afraid...I've always been afraid. I've lost so much already and I'm afraid I'll keep losing..."

Piloting wasn't your greatest talent, your flying skills weren't up to par, but you were still able to do it. Although you tried focusing on what Poe had taught you, a part of you was too anxious, anticipating your journey as you had been traveling to Tatooine. Hearing the ringing in your ears grow louder and louder the closer you got to the desert planet, you suddenly lost control.

It didn't help that there was a million things on the back of your mind, let alone, your senses were all over the place. If it wasn't the voice, it was Kylo trying to reach out to you, and if it wasn't Kylo then it was the Force trying to guide you...and if it wasn't that, it was you trying to focus on your piloting. But, somehow, everything became too much and overloaded you.

Not quick enough to recover or save yourself, the ship crash landed on the sandy terrain after breaking through the atmosphere. Lucky for you, you were still breathing; but, it was quite the disaster. Although the ship wasn't destroyed, it was completely shut down and creaked along with exerting toxic fumes.

Coughing as you groaned, glad that at least the ship wasn't in a bad enough state where you couldn't move or exit it, you slowly stood up. "Dammit..." You coughed again, letting out a groan as you rubbed your forehead, trudging out.

Exiting the ship and taking in a deep breath, hunching forward as your body slightly ached, you sighed. Standing up straight, you nearly jumped at the sound of the ship making a rather loud noise. Quickly moving to a side, you looked at the ship, seeing a part of it cave in. Staring at it, wide eyed as you blinked, you stood still. Good thing you had gotten out the moment you had.

"It wasn't even that bad of a landing..." Shaking your head, you turned away from the disgruntled ship.

Being instantly greeted by the blinding double suns, you lifted your hand up and used it as a visor, feeling the heat instantly emit on to you. This was exactly where you were meant to be. From the dreams, you knew for a fact you had to go to Tatooine. " _You are not too far out, follow the Force as it guides you_."

Hearing the voice, you took in a deep breath, beginning your journey.

The heat was strong, the lack of hydration didn't help when you were practically boiling under the binary stars. With every step you took, you removed an article of clothing. Starting from your cloak, to your first layer, all the way down to your last. By now, you were just in your boats, leggings, and sorts bra. Indecency wasn't your biggest problem at the moment, your problem was suffocation.

Pulling your hair back into a braid as you panted, following the Force, you continuously saw nothing but sand. How long was this going to be for?

You were growing exhausted, it felt like it had been hours since you first landed and your body was growing weak. You needed water and you needed shelter, your skin felt like it was about to melt off and you wanted to just dip your body into a tub of cold water.

As the heat grew stronger and you grew more and more tired, your doubt began to haunt you. How was it that you were the chosen one? Why was it that you had to go on this journey? Were you even worthy enough? You had only recently found out about your abilities, shouldn't someone like Rey who's had time on her belt be the one?

Why was it calling to _you_? Why did the Force chose _you_? And why was the voice so persistent _you_ get it done?

Feeling your pace become slower and slower as your legs were giving out, you took in heavy breaths. "How much further...can I possibly go?" You breathed, rubbing your face.

" _You will soon find it, believe me_."

"I can't do this...I can't keep on..." You shook your head, stopping in your tracks.

" _Yes you can_ _._ _I know you can_."

"No...I can't. I'm just a Resistance captain, that's who I was and that's who I want to be. I-I don't want to use the Force, I don't want to be the one held responsible for the galaxy's fate! I-I don't want any of this!" You exclaimed as if the voice was coming from someone nearby.

" _You are fearful_..."

"Of course I am! I've never felt such way before! I've never had the galaxy's destiny on my shoulders!" You cried out. "How do you expect me to do such thing when I...I can't even save myself from all that I've lost?!"

" _You are letting your fear get the best of you, y/n_..."

"I'm-I'm trying not to! I really am! But after holding it in for so long, after wearing a mask and trying to conceal my true emotions...I can't...I cant possibly hide it any longer." You shook your head. "I'm afraid...I've always been afraid. I've lost so much already and I'm afraid I'll keep losing..."

" _You're afraid of losing him_..."

"No...no, that's not-"

" _You love him, and you're afraid to believe it...you're afraid that if you love him you will lose him_ -"

"Because I lose everyone I love! That's why, that's why I don't show it too much to Rey or Finn...or Poe or Leia. I'm...I'm prone to death, I don't want to lose any of them." You spoke, shoulders falling.

" _But you know very well they can save themselves, that they are safe...safer than him_." Blinking at the voices statement, you gulped.

"I don't...I don't love...I don't want to lose anyone, anymore. I want to be..." Taking in a deep breath, you spoke up, "I want to be left alone! I don't want these responsibilities! It's enough that I can't do something as simple as admit to my emotions, how am I supposed to save the galaxy?!"

" _By turning your fears and making them your will to fight. If you fear so much, then you will have the urge to do what's right. Protect them all. Save them before it's too late_."

"But, I...why did you choose me? Why am I so special?" Your voice softened.  "Why is it that the galaxy chose the broken one to save the day? How is it that someone as...as messed up as I am supposed to bring back balance?"

" _You doubt yourself too much for someone who has come so far with all that she has gone through_." Standing there, furrowing your brows as you blinked, the voice continued. " _You don't notice it, or you choose not to, but you have that will to fight_ _on_ _and do what's right. You stop at nothing, you don't let your pain or anger get the best of you. That is why you're here_..."

Looking up to the sky as the voice spoke, you breathed.

" _That is why the Force chose you. You are, after all, a fighter_." Looking back ahead as the Force tugged you, you swallowed. " _And you will fight_ _on_ _for what is right because that is in your true nature, y/n. You will fight until your body gives out, until you did what_ _was_ _necessary. And you will fight to get through this_."

Eyeing the vastness around you, you took in a deep breath. " _You will fight...until there is peace. Or, you will die trying. That is always how it is_."

" _Do not fear death, do not fear the inevitable...because, in the end, you fought with every last breath you had_."

" _Do what is right and do what needs to be done. You turn back now, the pain will be in your heart. You continue on, you will do the galaxy and yourself justice. Make them proud_."

Slowly nodding your head, you took one step, feeling the Force pull at you. " _Now, go...your journey awaits you_."

Deeply inhaling, you walked on, fighting through the pain in your body as it ached, determined to reach the end of the path. If that meant you'd collapse on the way, so be it, at least you were trying. It was time to put your doubt at bay and fight on.

. . .

Standing in front of the sunstone hut, blinking at the sight as it had felt like you were in a vivid dream, you eyed it. The Force was heavy from within it, the ringing in your ears growing louder as your skin tingled. You could feel it, it was waiting for you on the inside.

Taking a step forward, you aimed for the entrance; it felt like your dream all over again, except this time, there was no void to pull you in and suck you into a nightmare. At least, you had hoped there'd be no surprises.

Walking toward the door, you lifted up and hand a pressed against the hard surface. "Go on..." The voice urged.

Hearing your heart pound in your ears, you pushed the door open, being greeted by the rather quiet and dusty home. Walking past the door and closing it behind you, you eyed the area. It was quite small but enough for one person.

To your left, a table. Beside the table was a bed and another table. Towards the back, you had assumed it to be the kitchen and washroom. Then, in front of you, lying before a small dining table sat a chest. Blinking as you walked closer to it, the Force grow stronger and stronger with every step you took.

Lying your hands against the storage unit, you took in a deep breath. Popping open the latches, you pulled open the box and sat on your knees, looking in.

Gulping, your hand reached in and pulled out the object. The second your palm came in to contact with the silver, black and gold instrument, a flurry of images-- _memories_ \--had hit you. All, if not most, of them being the same ones you had dreamt.

" _What was once mine is now yours."_ Quickly standing up as you shook your head, blinking away the images, you looked down at your hand. " _It is the weapon of the Jedi...I pass it down to you_."

Eyeing the weapon, your mouth fell open. " _Take it...it is now yours. You now claim the lightsaber. Use it wisely_."

"Lightsaber..." You muttered, studying the hilt. "What-what am I supposed to do with it?" You furrowed your brows. "I can only do so much with it...how am I supposed to save the galaxy with it?" Feeling yourself growing doubtful once again, you felt a sudden presence.

"There is no need to worry, young one. What you hold in your hands will be your savior. It will help you. Now that you have it, your mission _truly_ begins." Hearing a much more clearer voice coming from behind you, your eyes lifted up as you slowly turned around. "The reason you have been having such strange dreams is because it called to you." Coming to a stop as your eyes landed on the holographic figure, you lightly gasped. "In the end, you are a Kenobi."

Gazing with wide eyes, you couldn't believe the man you had been constantly dreaming about was standing there as a...Force ghost? He looked how he had in that one dream you constantly had--the one where he had fought Anakin. "O...Obi Wan...Kenobi." You whispered.

"You have much to learn, y/n..."

"You...you are my...we are related?" You questioned, voice nearly faltering. "How had I not known that?"

"Like I said, you have much to learn..."

"But, but no one else in my family was Force sensitive?"

"As far as you are aware." He spoke, walking closer as your brows narrowed. "Your mother was the child of an adopted woman...her real mother, my once lover...had her."

"And...you were the father..."

"We couldn't possibly keep the child, I was a Jedi Master and she was a ruler...our love affair was in secret, no one had none. Of course, things got quite dangerous and I lost her, but before I had, she had your grandmother."

"My...grandmother?"

"You had never truly met her before, but she was a great influence on your mother. The reason why she helped the rebellion and joined the Resistance." He spoke. "The Force sensitivity had skipped generations. Although your grandmother hadn't been Force sensitive, she was aware of who her parents truly were. Smart woman she was. She is the only reason why _that_ is still around." She pointed at his--now your--lightsaber. "She recovered it."

"But...how come I've never met her?"

"She lived here. After a while, she had found her way to Tatooine and stayed in this hut guarding it and the saber until the time came."

"Where is she now?" You curiously asked.

"I am unsure...she disappeared. She is still alive, I can feel her...but I know not where."

"Had she been watching over this until...I had found it?" You questioned.

"There is a high possibility...yes. But, she also could've been watching over it for someone else to claim it."

"Someone else?" You narrowed your brows.

"Yes, but it is clear _you_ were destined to receive it, y/n. It called to you and only you. You may not have felt it, but it has for quite some time. Ever since your awakening, I have been the one trying to give you the extra push you needed to realize it. I am the one who gave you my memories."

"You...you?"

"Yes...I needed to tell you in some way, in a way you'd learn about it and myself..." He nodded. "I also needed to warn you of what fear does...as you saw through Anakin. I needed to show you what lies ahead if you turned to the dark side. Of course, there are no longer the Sith...but, the darkness still holds many of its attributes."

Looking back down at the hilt, you nodded.

"I needed you to be aware of the hope that was held. The hope you need. The hope Leia and Luke have. Y/n...this is your chance to help the galaxy take a drastic step. You can sense what you have to do now, don't you?"

Feeling your breath hitch as your brows furrowed, studying the hilt as you slowly turned it, you looked back up. "You want me to go back..."

"It is the only way."

"I-I can't possibly take down the man myself? All on my own? How do you expect me to when I've only been training for so long?" You shook your head.

"Time is of no matter when you hold the skill and the power to fight within your mind and soul."

"You're expecting me to battle the man when I have no idea as to what he's capable of?" You asked. "I can read others easily, I know their intentions and their motives, but him...him, I can't sense anything. How am I supposed to fight someone practically blind folded?"

"You have a reason to."

"Like what? Save the galaxy? I've been doing that for years now, how much do you think that'll boost my confidence or my skill set?" Your shoulders fell.

"No...aside from that. You have people to protect, a legacy to continue, hope to pass on. This is the one chance the light has to prevail. This is the one time something can truly be done and only you can do it."

"I knew it...I knew it'd be too much. How did I not see it?"

"You will not be alone...I will be watching over you, guiding you through the Force." Obi spoke as you shook your head.

"One thing is to be a Force ghost...another is to actually be there."

"You have a reason to fight." A new voice spoke up. "You have something you focus on each and every time you meditate, don't you? You have something you want to protect at all costs. You have something that gives you the push you need to continue on even when you think you can't do it." Seeing Obi look behind you as your brows narrowed, you turned around. "And it isn't just the Resistance."

"Anakin?" Your voice nearly came out as a whisper as you were dumbstruck.

"I've been watching for so long and I've seen the hell arise from the ashes...it doesn't need to succeed, there is no legacy for the Order to follow. What's done is done. The Empire is gone and now the Order needs to be destroyed as well." Anakin spoke. "You can help take them down if you do this."

"You two make it seem like I can fight a man like that, easily! Who knows what abilities he has,  he must be very strong mentally in order to manipulate so easily." You pointed out.

"But you're stronger." Anakin insisted. "I've seen the way you fight, on and off the field. Even during your newfound training. Now that you have awakened...you have only brushed over the surface of your capability. You have so much held within yourself."

"He is right." Obi agreed.

"How are you two so sure I can take on this man when I don't even feel sure myself? I don't feel the confidence you two have. Shouldn't _I_ be feeling it?" You shook your head.

"That is because your fears are blocking the truth." Looking at Obi, he crossed his arms.

"Be that person who wanted to make me proud." Hearing a third voice, one that was awfully familiar and made your bones chill, you froze. "This path was never destined for me and I was gifted with the ability before I even knew it...you, on the other hand...you were the name that was set in stone since the beginning. You are the _true_ chosen one."

"It's as if the Force has given up on the Skywalkers." Anakin teased as you blinked, turning to face the third addition.

"I-..." Unsure what to say as you saw your long passed sister, standing there as a Force ghost, you tilted your head the slightest. "All along...you've been Force sensitive?"

"Well, not like you...I had it, but it was rather weak. I didn't know about it until I passed on and realized I could become a Force ghost." Looking at her as your eyes pricked with tears, she gave you a small smile. "I've been watching over like our great grandfather has. We've watched you grow."

"She is quite the lovely addition." Obi spoke up as you lightly smiled.

"And you believe I can do this?" You questioned as you looked back at her.

"Of course I do. You've come so far to be where you are now, y/n. You can do it. You can do what some of us can't." Hearing a small scoff, you looked over at Anakin.

"Do _you_ think I can do this?" You asked him as he took in a deep breath.

"I think you can save Ben." He spoke truthfully. "But...not in the way you think it to be."

"Huh?" You furrowed your brows as Obi hushed Anakin.

"What he is trying to say is, you can save Ben from Snoke if you defeat him in battle. You will also be saving the galaxy from anymore damage caused from either." Slowly nodding your head, you attention turned back down to the hilt in your hold. "That is why we can't wait any longer. You have found it and you have found us...now you must return."

Blinking as you looked back up, your brows furrowed. "The Finalizer...it's being infiltrated. What if he went there instead?"

"He didn't." Anakin spoke up. "He sent Kylo... _Ben_ , to go." Gulping the slightest at the thought of Kylo, knowing very well he must've been panicking at this point since you were gone, you let out a small breath. "Don't worry." Looking up, Anakin was in front of you. "You did what you had to do...he'll soon understand."

"He must be thinking that I abandoned him..." You frowned the slightest, looking back down at the lightsaber.

"Like I said, he'll soon understand. What matters now is that you go and do what I couldn't do." Anakin spoke, trying to place a reassuring hand on your shoulder. "You _can_ do this."

"I-I need a ship...I crashed mine." You looked between the three of them.

"Well, then that means you're just going to have to steal one from Mos Eisley." Anakin snickered as you sighed. You didn't think you'd be seeing that place again anytime soon.

. . .

The pain in his chest grew stronger the more eager he had become. He was desperate to find you. Why had you gone? And where did you go?

Finding himself amongst open space as he had taken Snokes personal ship, he continuously searched through the Force. If it wasn't for the fact that all First Order vessels had tracking devices, Kylo would've spent who knows how long trying to find you when you had purposefully distanced yourself and avoided any contact.

He had never felt this hurt before. Sure, he's felt abandoned before, he's gone through plenty of pain throughout his life time, but this one...this one struck him hard. Although it didn't quite compare to death, it was up there.

Kylo had loved you, a feeling he never bothered to acknowledge nor want. He had loved you and confessed. Out of the many feelings he could possibly feel, love was his weakest...yet, you had brought it out of him just by simply looking at you.

Love was intricate, at least to him. It was so complex yet so delicate. The feeling it gave him was indescribable; it made it feel like flowers were blossoming inside of his heart as butterflies emerged from within his stomach. Love made him feel so buoyant, as if he had been walking on clouds. It was something so wonderful, yet, so sickening.

And out of all people in the galaxy, you made a man like Kylo Ren feel something so angelic.

Why did you have to abandon it? It almost was as if you had smashed the sensation to smithereens. Did you truly still dislike him? Was everything you've ever done with him an act? Did you fake it all just to use him?

He couldn't believe it, as much as his doubts and fears wanted to get the best of him, he couldn't allow it. At least, not this time around.

The doubt and fear that resided within him always took control and won him over, the reason why he was where he was at his age. He knew the consequences of letting such emotion get the best of him, so why was he going to allow it when--finally--one good thing was happening in his life?

If you didn't feel the same, then so be it, it was going to months of heartbreak and despair, but at least he'd know the truth and more than likely avoid love.

Sitting with tense shoulders and a tight jaw, Kylo was finally able to locate his now stolen ship. Although it had been a hassle (since it was disgruntled, unaware to him) he was able to find it. "Tatooine..." He muttered to himself, brows narrowing. "Why is she on Tatooine?"

It didn't make a lick of sense, why would you be on Tatooine rather than wherever your base was? Or possibly, helping out your comrades on the Finalizer and saving them from any problems so you could go home. Not visit an outer rim planet that had nothing to do with you.

Setting his destination, Kylo was determined to find you, no matter what it took.

. . .

"That was easier than I thought..." You spoke, boarding the ship you were able to convince--use the Force--the owner to let you use. "Remind me to remember that technique."

"It'll come in handy." Anakin spoke as he stood behind you, you taking the pilots seat. "Trust me."

"Could I possibly use it on Snoke-"

"Don't even think about it." Obi interrupted as he appeared beside Anakin.

"I was just...joking. Of course it wouldn't work...psht." Waving a hand as you manned the panel, Obi shook his head.

"At least your descendent isn't as bad as mine." Anakin muttered over to Obi.

"That is because I didn't end up in a situation like you had."

"Whoa, hey, no need to attack me." Anakin spoke defensively.

"Might I remind you who killed me?" Obi pointed a finger.

"Oh, don't give me that! _You_ allowed me to-"

"Shhh!" You hushed. "You're both dead, at this point, it doesn't matter." Raising a brow as the two looked at you, Obi raised both.

"Are you sure she's related to you? She's got quite the fiery attitude..." Anakin teased as Obi sighed.

"Possibly from Satines end...or anyone who married in..." He shook his head as you held in a laugh. At least a moment like this was keeping you at ease from your raging nerves. This was far more intense than walking into a battle outnumbered. At least then you knew the enemies capabilities and weaknesses.

"Okay...may the Force be with me..." You muttered, lifting the ship out of its spot and flying off, jumping into hyperspace when you got the chance.

Sensing something in the Force, Anakin narrowed his brows. Seeing the sudden change in expression, Obi whispered over to him. "What is it?"

"It's...it's nothing...I'll be back." At that, he faded off.

Blinking, Obi only turned his attention back to you, deciding he was going to be your side through most of it until he had to depart.

Coming into contact with the planets atmosphere as Kylo grew anxious, he rather sloppily landed the spacecraft, haphazardly standing up from his seat and rushing out. Being blinded by the binary stars, he felt the heat exerting onto his face. At least his attire was quite breathable, but it still had too much black, attracting the sun rays.

"Where are you..." He muttered to himself, looking around and trying to sense you out.

Going with his gut instinct, Kylo went in a certain direction, north of where he had landed the vessel he 'borrowed'. Wherever you were, the Force must've been leading him there...or, at least to something that would tell him where you were.

Walking along the sandy terrain, feeling himself already sweating with all of the heat, he took in deep breaths. Now was a time he wished he had less clothing on.

Seeing something in the distance, Kylo instantly quickened up his pace, only to run over as something black caught his attention. Trying to run as fast as the sand allowed him, his heart raced. Was that the ship? And, if so, were you still in it?

Having the vessel becoming more and more visible the closer he got, his speed only slowed down. "No..." He muttered, wide eyes gazing at the shuttle ahead of him. "No, no..." Walking down a sand dune as he could now clearly see the space craft, his heart skipped a beat. "Please, don't be in there..." Rushing over to the rather leveled ship, Kylos heart beat quickened.

Trying to find a way in as the roofing had caved in a little too much, he pulled out his lightsaber and activated it, slashing through the metal and forcing his way in. "Y/n?!" He called out, kicking and knocking down any material in his way. "Y/n?!" Yelling your name again, he received no response.

Gulping, he searched the Force, not sensing you at all nearby. There was no way you would've died in a crash, you wouldn't have allowed it.

Breaking his way through to the canopy, he saw nothing there, not a single sign of you left behind.

Sighing, he deactivated his saber and clipped it back. Rubbing his face with his now gloveless hands, Kylo took in a deep breath. "Y/n...where are you..." He softly cried, heart breaking as he felt lost. Why couldn't he sense you and why wouldn't you let him reach out to you?

Kylo was growing worried and his heart was slowly ripping itself apart. He felt himself growing insane, stomach turning as his mind flooded with what-ifs. He was doing everything in his power to reach out to you, to get the faintest of signs...but nothing. Kylo was going crazy and he didn't know how to handle it.

After all, he had never loved someone before this much nor lost them.

Exiting the vessel and making his way back on to the sand, his heart grew heavy. His chest ached with his worry as his mind was tearing itself into pieces from the constant fear. Where were you? All he needed was the reassurance to know that you were okay and alive...but not even that he could get.

Feeling his body grew heavy as his feet grew slow with every step he took, his breathing had grown strong. Tugging at his hair as he trudged on, his knees only gave out. Falling on to them, he stared at the sandy ground beneath him as his teeth gritted. Kylo couldn't bear the thought of losing you, not when he grew _this_ attached.

Unsure of what to do as he had felt completely lost, his eyes burned with the tears that his fear brought upon him. " _Don't give up now, Ben_." Growing still as an unknown voice spoke up, Kylo lifted his head, seeing no one in his line of view. " _Don't let your fears control you this time. You promised you wouldn't, not for her_."

Blinking as he looked at either side, a figure only appeared in front of him as--what he had assumed to be--a Force ghost. Who were they?

"I never intended for things to go this far...for my mistakes to continue on to the next generation as a supposed legacy." Staring at the man in front of him, Kylo's heart suddenly stopped. A sense of familiarity had hit him. "I've made many mistakes, and my main one was letting my fears get to me...the reason why I failed everyone and myself. The reason why I lost my one true love."

Feeling his breath hitch, Kylo's lips lightly parted. "Gr...grandfather?"

Crouching down to be at eye level with his grandson, Anakin took in a deep breath. "If you love someone, you should save them. You shouldn't let your fear get the best of you and guide you in the wrong direction." He spoke in all seriousness as he could see Kylo's frame lightly vibrating. "You love her and you shouldn't lose her."

"I...I can't find her, I can't feel her..." Kylo slightly panicked. "I don't want to lose her...but how can I not when she won't let me find her?" He looked up, brows shaking as Kylo had furrowed them tightly.

"That's because she's protecting you." Gulping, Kylo's eyes widened. "Don't think for a moment she abandoned you, Ben. She appreciates you just as much as you do to her...that's why she's doing what she is doing now."

"How...how could you possibly know that?" He questioned.

"Because, I saw her off." Anakin admitted. "She is doing what the Force has been guiding her to do."

"She-she can't...she can't do anything that'll lead her to danger! She's inexperienced, she's only recently awakened her abilities! She could get herself killed!"

"Ben..." Anakin asserted. "You know what she is capable of and you know that is your fear speaking for you." He nodded. "You know her best, don't you?"

"Of course I do."

"She is doing what's right, she's doing what the galaxy needs to stabilize itself for as long as it holds-"

"She-she can't possibly save the galaxy. She-"

"She is doing this not just for the galaxy, Ben. Y/n is doing this to free you." Growing still as Kylo blinked, his heart sunk to the pit of his stomach, pooling up inside of it. He knew you cared about him, but not enough to risk everything for him--including you life.

"But...but I don't-she can't possibly defeat Snoke all on her own if that is what you're suggesting?" Kylo shook his head.

"Then fight with her." Anakin asserted. "Do what's right. You have the chance now to save her, Ben. You have the opportunity to fight alongside her and free yourself." Leaning in a bit more as he looked into his grandsons eyes, his voice came out softer. "Protect the woman of your dreams...the one you love."

Eyeing his grandfather as Kylo's jaw tightened, he swallowed hard. He knew he had to do this, he knew there was no other way to relieve the pain and stress within him--even if that meant facing his ultimate fear. Anything to keep you safe.

"She's returning to the moon. There, you can find her." Anakin lied a hand on Kylo's shoulder. "Go before it's too late. Do what you know is right. Defeat what defeats you. Save her and save yourself."

Nodding his head, Kylo stood up. "Believe in me like you always have. Except, this time, do the right thing. Defend the one you love." At that, Kylo was off.

He would do anything and everything he had to to keep you out of harms way. If this meant he'd have to battle Snoke himself, so be it, at least he was going to kill off his one true demon.


	21. Risk My Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I will gladly risk my life to save yours and you know that."

The anticipation was eating you alive. The closer the spacecraft had gotten to the moon, the faster your anxious heart pounded against your chest. You knew you couldn't back down now, not when you had people-- _Force ghosts_ \--you'd only disappoint. Let alone, let down an entire galaxy. You had to do this. You were going to make things right. After suffering for so long, you were going to take the opportunity to save someone close to you for once.

Standing just outside of the ships ramp, feeling the now heavy rain pat against your body and drench you from head to toe, you took in a deep breath. It was dark out, the sky lit up with lightning and echoed with thunder. The wind was strong and so was the downpour--so much for a battle in terrible weather conditions.

It was freezing. Now that you had left all your extra layers back on Tatooine, you were unable to warm yourself. Although you were cold, the anticipation and the burning desire within yourself to win was keeping your temperature up. Anything to keep you in motion.

Turning your attention from the caverns entrance, over to the forrest of trees to your left, a strong surge in the Force was felt. A heavy presence. _He_ was waiting.

"You can do this, y/n." Obi Wan spoke behind you. "I will be by your-" Being cut off, you looked over to see Obi's Force ghost coming in and out. "I will-" Instantly disappearing, your brows furrowed, blinking as you turned your attention back ahead and seeing the man nowhere in sight.

Letting out a sigh, you followed the pull in the Force. If this had been Snoke trying to lure you in, he was doing the right thing--leading you right to him.

Walking against the rapidly falling rain, making your way through the trees as your heart echoed in your ears, your breathing intensified. With every step you took, growing closer and closer to the man, your heart's beat grew faster.

Stepping against twigs, over exposed roots and around muddy pathways, you came to a sudden stop. He was near and you could feel it. It was almost as if he knew you were coming back for him.

"Y/n...y/n y/l/n..." Hearing the bone chilling voice, you cautiously looked around ahead of you. Looking over your shoulder, you saw a figure approaching. Turning around, your fists tightened at your sides as your jaw clenched. "You have come to greet death, I see."

"I have not...for you, we will see." You responded. You weren't about to die in the hands of Snoke, he wasn't allowed to take your life away.

"Your confidence is strong...so is your will to fight. But do you have the courage? The need to defeat me is there, but, could you kill me? _Would_ you kill me, light side?" He questioned as you shifted your jaw. You weren't surprised he sensed where you stood in this, even if you slowly questioned where it was you had fit in.

Ever since the revelation of you being Force sensitive, along with being trained under Ren and everything that had happened in between, you had a sort of doubt in you that itched at your skin. Something you didn't want to scratch. "One only kills for self defense. If the time must come where my life is threatened and it is my only option, then...so be it." You breathed. You've killed before, but that was only for the fact that you were at war and defending your--and your comrades--lives. "One of us will prevail."

"Do you know why it is I've decided to take you in?" Snoke questioned as he grew closer.

"Do you mean, kidnapped?" You raised a brow, correcting him.

"Well, do you?" Looking over at you as he began to circle your figure, you took in a breath.

"Because you wanted to give your apprentice his _own_ student in hopes I'd be the factor to help defeat the Resistance." You responded, seeing Snoke come back into your view as he came to a stop after doing a full three-sixty.

"Not quite." Hearing the thunder echo throughout the woods, a lightning bolt hit in the distance. "I was well aware of the doubt within you." Narrowing your brows, Snoke continued on. "You've lost so much...your entire family was taken by you. And, for what? The war is the reason why your parents were murdered-"

"It was _you_ who ordered to execute them." You spoke through gritted teeth. "Don't make it seem like I have any chance to join the dark side, I will never. I've experienced enough pain in this life time and I am not about to let it take control." Being assertive as you let out your words, Snoke lifted his head up the slightest, studying you.

"That still does not deter the fact that you are conflicted on which side you stand. I can feel it. You question where you are truly meant to be, where it is most safe for you...what side you truly fit in." Swallowing hard as you watched him with such irritation, you took in deep breaths. "Your anger is another contribution to the matter. You hold so much rage within yourself, quite like Ren."

"I am able to handle my rage rather than take it out." You spoke truthfully. "I never allow it to control me, I use it to my advantage. That is what makes Ren and I different."

"Yet, that does not stop the truth that is your temper. It is rather unpleasant, is it not? It blinds you at times, it infuriates you." Trying your best to steady your pounding heart as you felt your face began to heat up from the rage, you took it in yourself to think about the one thing that calmed you. At this moment, you had to make it seem like you were training, because you were not about to enter this battle with your wrath getting the best of you.

"I will admit, it is. After the life I've had, I couldn't hide the fact that I do have bad temper. But, that doesn't mean I allow it to get the best of me, to cloud my judgement. I have things that anchor me for when I need to be." Loosening your tight fists, you let out an exhale through your nose.

"You can keep telling yourself all of this, convince yourself that pushing it all to aside will help...but, in the end, it will always come back to haunt you-"

"All this talk is absolutely worthless, you and I know this very well." Growing fed up of him trying to twist things, you interrupted him. He wasn't about to manipulate you into believing him.

"Ah, yes...the real reason why you came here." Moving his hands to his side, your eyes shifted down to them, then back up to his wretched face. "You think you can save them...save _him_." He spoke, voice lowering and growing rather wicked. "He has gone too far into the darkness, it has attached itself onto every inch of his soul. It has manifested within the man. There is no use in trying to cleanse him when he has already succumbed."

Gritting your teeth, the man continued on, "Kylo Ren can not and will not be saved. Ben Solo has been long defeated. This is the path he was destined to be on. The dark side is where he belongs."

"No, that's what you want him to believe. You've twisted your words and snaked your way around his life. You've manipulated him and used him for his abilities. You used his fears against him and turned him. _You_ are the reason why he went down this path." You defended as you spoke through your clenched jaw.

"You are foolish to believe there is a chance to save him. After killing his father, the light that once taunted him has fully burned out. Kylo Ren is one with the dark side. It is useless to think you could save him...a no one who's lost everyone. Don't grow too attached to Ren, you'll loose him as well." Feeling your eye twitch, your jaw shifted. "Kylo Ren will forever be integrated with the dark side, tangled within the darkness, nothing and no one could tear him from his reality." Snokes voice grew stronger and louder with every word spoken. "He will finish what the Empire started, he will defeat the light once and for all, and we will rule the galaxy!"

"Never." Instantly latching onto (what you now considered) your lightsaber, you activated it just as Snoke lunged forward.

Having the blue and red plasma blades clash against one another as a purple hue exerted, you hadn't realized until then that Snoke had his own--or possibly stolen--a lightsaber. You couldn't pay attention to detail, only the sheer fact that it was red--the typical dark side color for sabers.

Pushing against Snokes saber with all your might, grinding your teeth as the heavy rainfall poured down and constantly welled up in your eyes, Snoke swiped his lightsaber.

Blocking his blows as the lightsabers constantly clashed against one another, the two of you found yourselves moving through out the woods. Climbing over fallen trees, small hills and uneven plains as Snoke fought tooth and nail to bring you down with how aggressive he fought, you defending yourself with such force. Although you hadn't gone with the same method as the fiend himself, you still were able to fight your way through.

"You will not get in the way!" He roared, thrashing his lightsaber around with one hand as you moved yours with both. You were very new at the whole using a lightsaber--the only other time you had actually wielded one was Kylo's--so now that you had to actually use one in defense was quite thrilling.

As much as fighting with sticks and rods weren't appealing, it did help you out even if you hadn't trained enough. The Force was helping you as you slightly relied on it. You didn't want much help, you wanted it to be all you. After all, this was what you were destined for, whether you live or die. It was all you.

Grunting as you fought back, Snoke had only sideswiped, nearly getting your side and only hitting a tree as you had shifted just in time. Rounding the tree and coming back for him, you slammed your saber, hitting it against your own as the red and blue lights lit up the area along with the scattered lightning.

Hearing nothing but lightsabers clashing along with thunder rumbling while the heavy winds echoed in your ears, you panted. It was taking a lot of you to fight this man and you knew it didn't take as much from him. After all, he had been fighting all his life--at least you _assumed_ \--whereas it had only been weeks for you.

Stumbling back as Snoke kept backing you up, you only ducked, jumping back up and slamming your lightsaber against his once again. This had been going on for what felt like hours, not a single thing was affecting him and you only felt like your moves were only defeating yourself.

Growing rather irritated and impatient as everything you had been doing almost failed--aside from the fact of not allowing him to harm you--you focused on the Force.

 _"I need you to stay focused, to find something within you that'll keep you anchored but will help drive you to win against your opponent. A clear mind is what will lead you to success, focus on the Force if you must. Don't let your anger get to you. You lose, you lose. Pick yourself up and try again."_ Hearing Kylo's words echo in your head like a reminder, you took in a deep breath.

 _Stay focused. Keep your mind clear. Think about your anchor._ You thought to yourself, mentally nodding. _Do it for them. Do it for him._

Feeling as if all your energy restored itself, you went all in. You were now the one forcing Snoke back with every move you made. This was what you needed, a clear mind and determination, something to fight for. Your life was a variable, but everyone fought for their life. You were now fighting for those you loved and those in the galaxy who deserved freedom. You were fighting for Kylo.

In the end, you didn't care if he turned back to the light or not, all you wanted was for him to be away from the toxicity that was the darkness and the First Order. For him to find himself. To be in control of his own life rather than someone's puppet.

You wanted Kylo to be free from the hellish life Snoke forced upon him.

You wanted Kylo to be at ease. And that's what you were fighting for. For peace in the galaxy, no matter what it took. It was about time the galaxy got what it needed, even if that meant you were going to die doing so.

If you had to die, you were going to die knowing you helped saved the galaxy. Those were your dying wishes. The only way you'd want to go at this very moment.

"You can not rely on the light to save you. You can not defeat me. You never will. I will finish you and when I am done here, I will kill off Skywalker and the scavenger, along with any Resistance men in my sight. There will be no hope for this galaxy to rely on!" Snoke shouted, voice mixing with the loud rain.

"There will always be hope!" You shouted back. "Hope is what the living need to survive! Hope is the driving force! Hope will save the galaxy!" You retorted, only upsetting Snoke more as he gritted his teeth, growling in annoyance.

"Your hope is your weakness! There is no hope! There is only war and the dark will be victorious! The First Order will rise and rule the galaxy and you will have no say!" With such anger in his eyes, Snoke harshly swung his saber, twisting your hold and causing your grip around your lightsaber to loosen as it went flying.

Watching it crash onto the muddy ground as your eyes widened, a small gasp left your parted lips as your stomach instantly flipped. Too late to act on your instinct as you turned your attention back ahead, Snoke swiped his lightsaber low enough, you not moving in time only to feel an instant burning sensation on your thigh.

Crying out as your yell echoed throughout the forrest, you fell back as your body collided with the wet ground. Clutching onto your injured thigh as you hissed in pain, you now lied there, rain pelting you as you were surrounded by puddles of mud, Snoke towering over you as if you were his prey.

You couldn't die now, you couldn't allow him to defeat you. Not now, not ever. This couldn't be your end.

Seeing the moon come into view as Kylo eagerly sat there, anticipating the landing, his heart thudded against his chest. "You are almost there, you will see her soon enough." Anakin spoke behind the man.

Nodding his head, Kylo took in deep breaths. He could feel you, you were so close yet so far. He could also feel...fear? Had he been too late? "Y/n..." He narrowed his brows, eyes widening as his anxiety was up to his throat. "Something's wrong."

Blinking, Anakin looked at Kylo, then out the window of the spacecraft, sensing the shift in the Force. "It's already happening."

"I _need_ to land." Kylo spoke impatiently.

"Don't let this clear your judgement, she is till alive which means she's defending herself-"

"But she's in trouble! I can sense her fear!" Kylo called out over his shoulder. "She's not trained enough to battle Snoke, she isn't ready for a match that big! She _needs_ me." Entering the moons atmosphere, Kylo landed the ship and instantly stood up.

"Ben!" Anakin called out as Kylo rushed past him, the young man only halting. "Don't let your _own_ fears blind you. Don't let your anger get the best of you. They will not help you in your situation. Do what is right and save her," Anakin spoke. "I have faith in her, and I have faith in you as well. Prove me right. Do what you've always wanted to do, except, do what's _right_."

Nodding his head as he swallowed, Kylo sprinted out. Instantly being drenched as the rapid downfall soaked his body. Kylo searched through the Force for you, feeling yours--along with Snoke's--presence in the distance in the midst of the forrest.

Running as fast as his feet allowed him to, Kylo could feel your Force growing stronger and stronger with every step he took. Hearing his heart echo within his head as he ran, darting past trees and avoiding any and all obstacles, his chest heaved. As long as he could still feel you, then he knew he had time. It still didn't stop the fact that he could easily sense danger and your fear.

You didn't fear easily, let alone, much. Whatever it was that triggered this must've been something big and threatening--and Kylo had an idea as to what it was.

The sound of your heart pumping vibrated in your ears. You could hear it as if you were pressed up against it. Everything around you was hollowing out, your breathing and heartbeat were louder than the storm above you. Your eyes were wide with fear. This wasn't your end, this couldn't be it, you still had so much to live for.

There stood Snoke in all his glory, looking down at you in a matter as if her were disgusted at how weak you were. His grip around the hilt was tight and you knew exactly what was coming next. It was either you or him, and by the look of it, it could possibly be you.

Everything was going awfully slow. By the way he was lifting up the weapon to the determination in his eyes, you knew this wasn't going to be in your favor. You couldn't let this happen, you couldn't let him win. This wasn't what your great grandfather wanted, nor your sister or Anakin.

You had to survive till the end. If this meant killing him right as he's killing you, so be it, at least you did the galaxies work. Your life couldn't compare to the billions upon trillions out there. You were going to die a warrior and he was going down with you.

 _Pick yourself up and try again_. Kylo's words echoed in your head. Gulping, you instantly turned on your stomach, trying to ignore the pain in your thigh as you reached out to your saber. Stretching out your arm as you groaned, lightly crying out as your teeth clenched, you panted.

In a matter of seconds, you were either going to be decapitated or impaled if you didn't get your lightsaber in time.

Seeing the hilt shake, it instantly flew into your grip, you swiftly activating it and turning back around just in time to block yourself from any incoming moves. Just as Snokes lightsaber came crashing down as your heart skipped a beat, a bright red light emitted from his chest as the man instantly grew stiff.

Blinking as you watched the light disappear, Snokes lightsaber fell from his grip as the man came crashing down with it. Gulping as you looked over at his still body, your chest heaved. Looking over, ahead of you, your heart sank. "Kylo?"

Standing there and eyeing you with narrowed brows, he took a few steps forward before falling to his knees. Watching the man as you deactivated your lightsaber, you were instantly pulled into his chest as his arms wrapped around you tightly.

Sitting frozen as--somehow--you couldn't seem to feel the pain in your thigh, you blinked. Hearing nothing but the rain, Kylo's breathing and your own, you stared off into the distance.

Everything had happened so fast, you weren't sure whether or not you were going to die by blocking too late or blocking it but only for a short period of time. Then, within the blink of an eye, Snoke was jabbed by his own apprentice. After all that happened, after you running off and blocking out Kylo, only to return and do the one thing you were sure he'd never want, the man only saved your life-- _yet again_.

Feeling his grip tighten around you, your body loosened up, arms slowly wrapping around him as you hugged him back. After everything that happened, all that you had put Kylo through, he still came to your rescue in the end. You still, and possibly would never, understand why you had brought out such courage and will power out of the man.

"Don't you dare do that again." Kylo spoke up, hand grabbing a fistful of your hair as his forehead rested upon your shoulder. "Don't you dare put yourself in harms way. Don't you ever think of getting yourself killed." Taking in a shaky breath as his eyes were tightly closed, he shook his head. "And don't you _ever_ scare me like that again."

Nodding your head, you were sure to have felt his tears patting against your chest if it wasn't for the rain. Kylo tried so hard to hold them back, fighting the urge to wail out from everything he had been holding in since you first left the moons surface. He was afraid. So, _very_ afraid that he had lost you. Not only from running away, but to the hands of Snoke.

He had grown so attached to you, at this point, he couldn't think of what he'd do without you. After all, you meant everything to him. 

In the end, he had found something to live for.

"I did it for the galaxy..." You spoke up. "And...I did it for you." Freezing in his spot as his eyes opened, Kylo's heart escaped his chest and broke through his skin. "Because you deserve to be free...like everyone else."

Shutting your eyes as you took in a deep breath, your hold around him tightened. "You've protected me so many times, I think it's about time I protect _you_."

Unable to speak as his heart lodged up his throat, Kylo blinked. Not for a moment had he thought about you protecting him, he always thought about you and putting _you_ first--never himself. The second you said you were doing it for him was the second Kylo knew he could never lose someone like you. He was going to cherish your existence, because--in the end--no one treated him the way you had. No one treated him like the human being he was.

"Thank you." Pressing a long kiss against the side of his head, Kylo only lifted it up, leaning back to face you as his hands held on to your face.

"Don't thank me." Slamming his lips against your own, your heart skipped a beat. After fearing that you'd never get to see him--let alone kiss him--again, here he was proving you wrong.

Grabbing fistfuls of his collar and pulling him closer, you deepened the kiss. You were going to enjoy this and give it your all. After thinking you were going to die, you deserved this. After all, Kylo's lips were both your weakness and a partial source of your happiness.

Lightly panting here and there whenever you had the chance to, you had nearly forgotten about the injury on your thigh as your mind was set on Kylo and _only_ Kylo. Possibly why you couldn't hear the Force warning you about a threat until it was too late.

Being ripped from Kylo as a force flung you away, you yelled out as you were tossed back. "Y/N!" Kylo yelled out, instantly standing up as your body collided with the ground, head hitting a rock and knocking you out. "Y/N?!" About to run over, the sound of a lightsaber activating caused Kylo to snap around.

"You could not easily defeat me, Ren." Snoke spoke as he stood there with a hunch. "We are not done."

"How dare you?!" Kylo shouted, instantly activating his own lightsaber as he lunged forward.

"Foolish boy! You allowed yourself to be weakened by love! Love will not save you nor will it help you! You will not be victorious with such emotion!" Battling his own apprentice, Kylo only clenched his jaw.

"I don't want to be victorious!" He exclaimed, slashing his lightsaber. "I don't want to rule the galaxy!" He fought. "I don't want anything to do with you or the Order!"

"You imbecile, you are letting her get to you!" Snoke fired back. "When I finish her, you will snap out of it once and for all-"

"You will not touch her!" Slamming his lightsaber, Snoke instantly blocked it.

"I will not hear any more of this nonsense." Snoke breathed. "She must be killed." With a sudden movement, Snoke was able to knock the air out of Kylo, sending him onto his knees as he burned away at the skin on the young mans shoulder. "If this means I have to harm you as well, then I will do it."

"Gah!" Kylo shouted as the side of Snokes lightsaber slowly burned Kylo's shoulder, the man wincing.

"You are a disgrace! How could you let this woman weaken you?!" Slamming the backside of his long hands against Kylo's face, the dark haired man hissed. "She is nothing but a fool and the enemy! She could never love you! She will _never_ love you!" Snoke shouted at the top of his lungs. "You are an idiot to think someone would ever love you, Ren! You are a fool, you are unloveable, a monster that I have created! Do not think for a second she could save you! Let alone, want to be with you!"

"You...are just...telling lies like you always do!" Kylo retorted, trying to lift his own lightsaber up.

"Has she ever admit it to you?! Has she ever said the words to you?! Does _she_ truly love you back?!" Pressing the lightsaber even more, Kylo gritted his teeth. "She does not love you! She never will! She is just using you for the sheer fact that she could get information out of you and use it against you! Y/n y/l/n will never love Kylo Re-" Before he could even finish, Snoke was tossed back.

Feeling the heat leave his shoulder, Kylo panted, lightsaber falling from his grip as he held his arm. Looking up, he saw Snoke in the distance, coughing out blood as his body hung against a tree, a rather large and broken branch piercing right through him.

Knowing very well he hadn't done it, Kylo instantly looked over his shoulder to see you sitting there, one arm holding you up as the other extended out. "Y/n..." He breathed, forcing himself up and rushing over.

Taking in heavy breaths as your head throbbed while the pain in your thigh resurfaced, your eyes were fixed on an impaled Snoke. "Y/n!" Kylo shouted, falling to his knees in front of you.

Holding onto your chin, eyeing your face in case of any wounds, he took in a deep breath. "You're okay..."

"My head aches..." You spoke up, attention still fixed on Snoke.

"That's curable." Kylo stated, leaning in and pressing a kiss on your forehead as you fluttered your eyes for a moment. Looking down at you, his eyes followed the direction your own had been looking in. "You did it..."

"I did it." You breathed. "In the end...I had to." Swallowing, you turned your attention to Kylo, only to see the wound on his shoulder. "Your shoulder."

Looking down at it, Kylo shook his head. "That'll heal." Turning his attention to you, he looked at your thigh. "Your thigh is what needs attention." Nodding your head in agreement, you tried standing up, only for Kylo to stop you.

"Kylo, I am capable of handling myself." You spoke with a straight face.

"I know you are, but, allow me to take care of you." He spoke as your heart skipped a beat. "Please."

"You've done enough by saving my life hundreds of times, I can-"

"I will gladly risk my life to save yours and you know that." He spoke in serious tone as you blinked. "Let me help you." Simply nodding, Kylo helped you up as you balanced against him, ignoring the burning sensation in his shoulder. "They'd be proud. _He'd_ be proud, you know."

"He?" You questioned.

"Kenobi." He simply responded. "If he was still around, he'd be proud of you for taking it upon yourself for doing the right thing." Slowly nodding your head, you looked away. "I've realized you only left to retrieve his lightsaber and make it your own. It only made sense seeing as you are his great granddaughter."

Looking back up at him, your brows narrowed. "How did you..."

"It all made sense, I put everything together." Kylo spoke. "It'd only make sense that the descendent of Obi Wan Kenobi would save the galaxy." He lightly grinned as you softly smiled. "I'm proud as well."

"You're not upset?" You questioned, voice low.

"Of course not. You did what you had to do, although it did hurt at first. But, I've come to realize as to why you did it. I appreciate it, honestly...I've never had someone put so much effort into me." Kylo swallowed. "Aside my mother...but even then I guess it wasn't enough."

Slowly nodding, you thought about his mother and how much she must've been hurting, knowing you were gone. Sitting there thinking, your eyes only widened. "Rey and Luke!"

"What?" Kylo narrowed his brows.

"I need to tell them I'm not there! I-I need to reach into the Force." You eagerly spoke. Shutting your eyes as you focused, feeling as if you had been searching for Rey through it, you took in a small breath.

Rushing through halls as an alarm blared, Rey was running alongside Luke, avoiding any and all Order members. Coming to a sudden stop as she felt a tug in the Force, her brows narrowed. "Rey, what is it?"

"I..." Hearing what almost sounded like static, she flinched the slightest. "Someone...someone is trying to communicate with me?"

"Who? Can you hear them?" Luke questioned.

"I don't-" Hearing a voice fade in, Rey's eyes widened. _You must return to D'Qar, I am not on the Finalizer. I am safe. Trust me_. "It's y/n." Rey shot her head over to Luke.

"Y/n? How could she know how to communicate through the-" Cutting himself off, his eyes widened the slightest.

"Now is not the time to question, she isn't here and we most leave before anyone gets to us." Rey spoke. "We need to fall out and inform the general." Nodding his head, the two were off.

Opening your eyes once again, Kylo narrowed his brows the slightest. "Did they hear you?" Nodding your head, you let out a small sigh.

"I guess you're not such a bad teacher after all." You smiled, only to turn your head over to where Snoke was. "Speaking of bad teachers..." Looking over, Kylo took in a deep breath.

Tugging him for the two of you to walk over as you limped, you came to a stop right in front of Snoke as he groaned. "You are...a fighter." He breathed as you watched with furrowed brows. "If it wasn't for him, you would've been the one to suffer."

"In the end, the Force decided it was you who must fall." You spoke, glaring at the man in disgust.

"I may be in the brink of death, but that does not mean you have saved the galaxy forever...let alone, Ren." He breathed.  "He will forever have that darkness within himself, nothing will rid it...he does not belong to the light. In due time you will realize your mistake. In due time you will only wish you never saved him." Tightening your jaw in annoyance, the man only continued on. "Love is foolish, your love...will dissipate and fail you. Ren will realize the mistake of allowing such emotion in...and he will be the one to defeat you. He will be the one who will continue the work of the Order. He will be your de-" Before he could even finish, Kylo lifted up his hand, using the Force to push Snokes chest deeper into the branch, causing the man to let out a painful yell.

"I've had enough of your taunting." Kylo spoke through clenched teeth. About to use the Force to push Snoke even more, you lowered Kylo's hand.

"Let him have a slow death. It's what he deserves." Looking over at you, Kylo nodded, just about to walk away with you, only for Snoke to call out.

"This is not the end! The darkness never fades! It will rise up once again...as it always has and it will grasp the light like a hand around a throat and suffocate the galaxy from it! You will come back to the darkness, Kylo Ren! You are meant to be-"

Growing fed up, Kylo latched onto his lightsaber and moved his hold from you, you nearly losing your balance and leaning against a tree as Ren stalked towards Snoke. "You used my weaknesses against me, turned me into the monster I am today and fooled me into believing horrid things. My grandfather was a good man and only turned because he wanted to protect the woman he loved. His fear is what drove him. I won't let the dark side take away the one person I've grown to love. I've lost myself under your guidance and I've lost many around me and it was my mistake to let you deceive me. I've had enough. Your threats mean nothing to me and so do you."

In a matter of seconds, Kylo had slashed his lightsaber, giving Snoke a faster death as his head fell off his body and onto the muddy ground. Taking in deep breaths as your attention turned from the fallen head, over to Kylo's back, you let out a small sigh. In all reality, it only made sense if Kylo defeated his own demons.

Deactivating his lightsaber and clipping it back onto his belt, Kylo walked over to you, you just about to push yourself off the tree to walk with him, only for the man to pick you up in his arms. "Let's go."

Walking you out of the forrest and back to the spacecrafts, you wrapped your arms over his shoulders as you looked in the direction he was walking in. You couldn't believe it was all slowly coming to an end, now that their leader has been slaughtered, it made no sense to carry on the organization when they had no one to guide them.

This only made you wonder, did this mean Kylo was through with the Order? Was he going to dissociate for good? With the words he spilled, it was pretty obvious.

But where did this leave you? Were you going to return to the Resistance? After all that you've been through, after all that you've done...was it worth it? Were you meant to go back? You couldn't seem to give your own self a solid answer. You left it up to the Force for when the time had come.

"I've got somewhere I think we should go." You spoke up as the two of you were now on the ship, you in the co-pilots seat as Kylo took the pilots. "There's a certain someone we both need to see."


	22. I Love You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I love you...a lot and...and I've come to realize that I have been for quite a bit but never wanted to admit it because I didn't believe it myself."

Leaving the spacecraft on autopilot as Kylo took you to the back to mend your wound, you sat in front of him, on a table as you watched him work his way around. Now sitting with your leggings uneven as Kylo had to rip one off to get to the burn, it didn't seem to bother you as the spacecraft wasn't all that cold. You were thankful you were no longer surrounded by rain or a freezing environment...although you were trembling from being wet.

Carefully wrapping the gauze around your thigh after he had cleaned it out and placed some antibacterial creams, you bit your inner cheek as you were fixed on him. He was so gentle with you, so careful, and it only made you feel sick. A person like yourself hated being treated like glass as if you'd easily break, you were tough and you handled pain easily...but when it came to Kylo treating you such way--the massive threat himself--you felt so weak that you easily succumbed.

You felt as if you could melt right there and then at the sight of him taking care of you. If it had been anyone else, you probably would've told them off already for helping you out when you could do it on your own. But Kylo was different. He was the man you had grown so attached to, so close to, you didn't have the will to shove him away.

You wanted him there, to mend your wounds and to treat you like you were a rare crystal. From him and only him, you appreciated that sort of attention. It made your skin tingle as your stomach filled with butterflies. You felt like a little girl with the biggest crush on someone and--in all honesty--you've grown to like the feeling. If not, _love_ it.

And love was something you were clearly feeling that you knew was about time to accept because, after fighting it for so long, there was no use in hiding it. You loved the man as much, if not more, than you've ever loved anyone else. Now, you couldn't quite compare it to Kylo's love for you as you were still hesitant, but, you did very much love the man with your entire being.

It was sickening and made you want to gag, but, it made you happy. Because, for once, you could truly love someone without being afraid to.

Closing up the wrap, Kylo placed the excess material away as he sat in front of you, shutting the kit and placing it to a side as you took in a deep breath. "That should-"

"I love you." You blurted out, staring at the man as you couldn't hold it any longer (nor did you know when was the right time to say it). Growing wide eyed as his heart began to flutter against his chest, you repeated yourself. "I love you, Kylo."

Blinking as he couldn't find it within himself to look at you or even move, his stomach flipped, heart pooling up at his feet as if it had melted. This was a sensation he had never felt before. No one has ever said 'I love you' to him the way you meant it. It was one thing to admit it to someone, but it was another to receive it.

"I love you...a lot and...and I've come to realize that I have been for quite a bit but never wanted to admit it because I didn't believe it myself. In my eyes, you were the enemy, you were the person I was supposed to avoid...but it didn't seem to stop me. I tried so hard to convince myself it wasn't true, that I couldn't feel something for someone because I was afraid to but...but now I know it's very much true. Everyone deserves love even if we don't think we do...even if we fear losing them. I was so scared to fall in love because I thought I brought nothing but bad luck, that is why I am the way I am, I don't need anyone dying around me. I've lost too much and I-"

Within a matter of seconds, Kylo was standing up, hands clutching onto your cheeks as his lips crashed against your own. Eyes wide, your body fell stiff as Kylo kissed you, your whole body being alarmed from the sudden move. "You won't lose me." He spoke against the kiss, only to move back to look you in the eye. "I promise you that. You have me...and I have you, and that's all I need."

Gulping, you nodded. "If I can do this, so can you." Feeling your heart skip a beat, your arms instantly wrapped over his shoulders as you pulled him into a tight embrace.

"I've been fighting it for so long...the feeling, that I didn't know it was meant to be. That I should've allowed it because, in the end, it seems as if no one understands either of us the way we do." You breathed, only to chuckle the slightest. "As cheesy as that sounds...it is the truth."

Holding tightly onto you as he rested his chin against your shoulder, Kylo smiled the slightest. There was no lie in saying he was still conflicted, _that_ he was. He still teetered, a part of him wanting the light while another wanted to stay in the dark...but now that you were in the picture, it almost felt as if it didn't matter where he ended up, as long as he was with you. "You would've thought I'd be the one in that situation...not to be the one to admit it first." He gulped the slightest. "I guess my fear was not being able to ever say it to you, even if it was at the wrong moment or that you'd never feel the same."

Smiling as you let out a small breath, Kylo continued on, "But you do...you feel the same and I don't know how it is that I've been so...lucky to have this. I don't deserve any of it but I will appreciate it."

"I think it's the Force at work, here." You nodded. "We've gone through...a lot. Plenty of mistakes, downfalls, terrible decisions...and I think the Force has had enough of our troubles." You chuckled as Kylo grinned at the sound. "Maybe that's why we've found each other, to bring a balance between the two of us." Your voice lowered as you looked off into the distance. "It's strange how much that reflects the state of the galaxy..."

"I wouldn't doubt it. The Force is powerful, it does what needs to be done." Kylo responded. "I just..." Pushing you back as he got a good look at you, he took in a small breath, "With everything I've done, with all of my flaws and errors...I was able to feel something so... _human_. And you brought that out of me. Someone just as flawed...not someone who's the ideal hero or the perfect person...someone as troubled." Gazing back at up, you nodded. "I will never understand how it is that I was capable of opening up so easily to you and saying-- _admitting_ \--things I was too afraid or held back to."

"I guess we're meant to be alone." Smiling at Kylo, he smiled back. "The question is...where do we go from here now that I've done what I had to do and you've defeated Snoke?"

Looking off as he thought, Kylo bit the side of his bottom lip, unsure. "I...I don't know."

Watching him, you thought to yourself--what were _you_ going to do? Were you going to return to the Resistance and continue being their captain? Was that what _you_ wanted? A part of you, a _very_ big part of you, didn't seem to want it. It was almost as if you wanted to move on.

You loved everyone back on D'Qar, they were your family and you'd fight for them till the end, but after all you've gone through, after the path you took and the battle you had...shouldn't you start a new chapter in your life?

Feeling rather doubtful and unsure of what you wanted, you were too lost in thought to even notice Kylo was now looking back at you. Studying your now pondering expression as your brows knitted the slightest, he sensed the apprehensiveness emitting from you. "What is it?"

Snapping out of it at the sound of his voice, you looked up. "I...it's nothing." You shook your head as Kylo raised a brow.

"Y/n...you're unsure, why? Is it us? Do you not want this?"

"No-no! That's not it! Of course I want this...I wouldn't want to leave it." You truthfully spoke. "It's...I don't know what to do or what I want. I don't know where to go from here. I was being guided for so long without realizing it until the end, but now...now what?"

"You are a Resistance captain, wouldn't you return?" He questioned as you looked down, shaking your head.

"I am...but I don't think I want that. Now that I know my true capabilities and the fact that I'm Force sensitive...I want to explore it, to learn more. I want to know about everything there is to know about the Force. To learn about past Jedi and Sith...to be aware of what I can do that I have yet to unveil." Looking up at Kylo, your face suddenly turned bright. "Kylo...I think I want to travel the galaxy and learn about what it is to be Force sensitive."

Blinking as Kylo looked down at you, he couldn't help but want to join you. A big part of him wanted nothing to do with the war anymore; actually, he wanted nothing to do with anything or anyone but you. If he were going to be free, he was going to live up to it, even if that meant it'd take time to adjust. "Then, let's travel the galaxy."

Feeling a wide grin grow on your face, you grabbed onto his arms. "You want to?" Seeing him nod, you took in a breath. "Are you willing to leave it all behind?" You asked.

"Are you?" Kylo questioned. "You have far more to leave behind than I do...at least I'll be doing myself a favor. But, are you willing to leave the friends you consider family behind?"

Thinking about it and how much you've grown to appreciate and love your 'family', you bit your lip. You loved Rey, Finn and Poe with all your heart, along with the general and the droids. You loved black squadron and appreciated everyone in the Resistance...but you had to grow. You had to move on to greater things, to do what's best for you. Wouldn't they agree? "I think they'd understand...it'll be hard, but...I think they'd realize what's in my best interests." You nodded.

"I'm sure they will."

"It won't be easy, but...I need this. _We_ need this. As long as you're in for the long run, then...then I truly want this."

Looking down at you as Kylo had taken in a deep breath, eyeing every inch of your face, he nodded. He had something to live for now. Aside from repairing and finding himself, he had you. He had someone who'd stand by his side no matter what and help guide him. He had someone who loved him for everything he was and not for the materialistic things. He had you and you loved him for the man he had become, not fear him for the man he was. And, to him, it was all a very big gift the Force had given him even if he believed he didn't deserve it.

But, he appreciated it; because now he was no longer lonely or full of pain and anger. No, now he had someone, someone who loved him and filled him with joy. He had something good and he was going to make sure he didn't lose it. Not now, not ever. "I'm with you...all the way until my lungs give out and my heart stops beating. As long as I'm by your side."

Smiling as you knew everything he's ever said or done for you took a lot out of him, specially wanting to spend the rest of his life with someone and doing what they wanted, your heart felt warm. Pulling him into a kiss, you whispered against his lips, "Thank you." Resting your forehead against his own, you only smiled. This was the person you wanted to run away with forever. This was the man you've watched grow.

This was the man you loved, were in love with, and would possibly love forever.

. . .

"We should be landing soon." You spoke over to Kylo, checking the canopy for a bit as you had woken up from a small nap. The day you had was very long and exhausting, you were amazed you hadn't collapsed.

"Where is it exactly that we're going?" He questioned. "You gave me the coordinates and I know it's in the outer rim...but, where?"

"You'll see." You nodded. "I think it's best we make this small stop before we start our journey." Looking back ahead at the window in front of you, you wore a small smile. "Believe me, you need this."

Taking in a small breath as he walked back over to the canopy, he nodded. "Whatever you say." Taking a seat beside you in the co pilots spot, you looked over at him and gave him a smile.

"I'm really going to miss that hot spring..." You spoke over to Kylo, the man looking at you and shaking his head. "It was really relaxing and I truly enjoyed it. Specially since I got to spend it with you." Looking back out the window, Kylo took in a shaky breath, thinking back to the heated moment. Although something like that should faze him now after he's had sex with you, it still made him flustered.

"Yeah...I guess I'll miss it too." Hearing how low his voice had become, you looked over and grinned, seeing the pink tint on his pale skin.

"Kylo..."

"Yes?" He looked at you, blinking.

"You're not blushing, are you?" You teased, the man instantly looking away and shaking his head.

"Of course not. There's no need to be." He lied, feeling the blood rush to his cheeks as his face grew hot. "Oh, look, is that the planet?" Kylo quickly changed the subject, you snickering as you rolled your eyes.

Standing up from your spot as Kylo now manned the panel, you walked over to him. Sensing your presence and seeing your shadow, Kylo shifted his eyes. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing..." Placing your hand on his shoulder and slowly pushing it along, then onto the back of his neck, you leaned forward. "When we land there's somewhere I want to take you." You spoke, only to lower your voice. "I'm sure you'd love my room." Leaving a small kiss on his cheek, you stood back up straight and moved to your seat as Kylo gulped.

Eventually, he'd get used to this. For now, you were truly his weakness.

"W-we should be landing..." He nodded as you grinned. "Just...Just man your side of the panel."

Doing as he said as you wore a small smirk, enjoying the moment as you were able to get Kylo such way, you looked out the window to see the planet coming into view. Feeling your heart flutter, you smiled.

 _Home_.

Or, at least what once was your home. You've come to reside elsewhere and claimed someone as your new home.

"How have I not seen this planet before...?" Kylo narrowed his brows, entering the planets atmosphere and noticing the vast nature it had.

"That's because we made sure the Order never really found it or grew suspicious." You spoke up, watching the base come into view. "This...is D'Qar. The Resistance base."

Eyeing it in amazement as he never thought he'd find the Resistance base, at least not this way after leaving the Order, you spoke into the com to request landing, identifying yourself for proof.

Knowing very well this was where you resided, Kylo sensed that showing him where you stayed wasn't the only reason why you had brought him there. "Alright, landing pad nine." You spoke, Kylo nodding as he landed the ship.

Instantly standing up from your spot as the vessel had steadied itself out, you opened up the ramp and felt your heart race, a wide grin on your lips as the ramp slowly presented the landing grounds. "Kylo, c'mon!" You called to him.

Sitting in his spot as he gulped, unsure if he was ready for confrontation or seeing anyone he's ever harmed--although their opinions didn't quite matter to him--what got him the most was seeing a certain duo he hadn't seen in so long. Well, at least for one of them.

Fully opening up and landing on the ground, you rushed down the ramp as your eyes had landed on a recognizable woman standing beside a tall creature. "Oh, general." You smiled, pulling her into a hug as she tightly hugged you back.

"It's good to have you back." She spoke as you nodded, Chewie roaring as you then went to hug him.

"It's good to be back." You nodded, giving her a heartwarming smile. "We have a lot to discuss, but I think it's best I catch up on a few things and rest." You spoke. "Like seeing Luke and Rey, along with Finn and Poe."

"They are heading back, seems as if Rey had received your message." Leia grinned. "I always had a sense...a feeling as if I knew you had _it_ in you." Her voice lowered.

Taking in a deep breath, you shrugged. "Well, when your great grandfather is one of the greatest Jedi...it's bound to happen."

"Great grandfather?" She raised a brow.

"That is a story for later, for now," Looking over at the ramp, you let out a breath, "I brought you a gift."

She sensed it from even when the ship had entered the planets atmosphere, the sensation growing stronger and stronger the closer he got. She knew what it was and she knew who it was. After all, she's always had a connection with her son and she very well knew it was still there. But, to actually _see_ him, after so long of not, it only made her heart break from the sight.

It didn't entirely break from sadness, more of the fact that he was there and he was home--or, at least back where she believed he was meant to be.

Watching the rather tall man with hair as dark as night and skin almost as white as the blazing sun, she placed a hand on her chest. Although he's grown and changed since she last saw him, that was--in fact--her son. "Ben..." She lightly muttered, eyes watering at the sight of the man who rather awkwardly walked down, a bit afraid to expose himself.

Looking over at him as he kept his eyes on you, you gave him a small nod and a reassuring smile, sending off a comforting feeling through the Force. He needed to see his mother before he was off once again. He owed her that.

Coming to a stop in front of his mother as he towered over her, looking down as she looked up, eyeing his face and the scar that dressed it, you stood there and watched as Chewie walked over.

Letting out a small cry, although he was still healing from the lost of his dearest friend, he pulled the young man into a hug. In the end, this was the one person who he vowed to protect and watch over as his own, this was the one person who he watched grow most of his young life. This was the one person he promised Han he'd look after even when he was gone.

Feeling a bit apprehensive at first, Kylo only hugged back, not realizing how much he had truly missed the Wookiee.

Letting out small noises and roars as Chewie patted Kylo's back, Kylo tightened his arms the slightest. He did miss Wookiee hugs. "I'm sorry..." Kylo muttered against Chewie, knowing very well he had taken the creatures best friend away from him.

Although Chewie was very upset at the matter, and harmed the man for his actions, he couldn't possibly kill him--it wasn't in him. He knew very well that Han wouldn't want that. In the end, Kylo is and was Hans son.

Smiling at the sight of it, your eyes shifted over to Leia who was clearly holding back tears, even if a few disobeyed her.

There stood her son, the person she thought she'd never see again. He was all grown up, much more taller and clearly different. Yet, it was still him.

It made her heart ache. She loved him dearly no matter his flaws, he was--in the end--her only child. This was the person she had a bond with since he was first born, maybe even before that. This was the person who had a very specially place in her heart. Nothing could stop the love a mother has for her child--not ever.

Moving from the hug, Kylo patted Chewies arm with a small smile as the Wookiee let out more noises before walking over to your side. "Han would be happy." You spoke up to him.

"Very." Chewie roared as you understood him, giving him a whole hearted smile as he lied a hand on your head. "He would also be thankful for you."

"Oh, I'm sure of it." You chuckled, turning your attention back over to Kylo and Leia as Chewie lowered his arm.

Staring at one another as Kylo's heart began to pound heavily in his ears, he gulped. This was the one person he hadn't seen in so long. The one person who loved him with all her heart but couldn't show it as much with her title and constant busy life. She never intended to push her son away, that was never her goal, but with the position she was in...it was hard not to see such gap appear.

Standing in silence as the sound of people talking in the distance, metal clanking and ships releasing puffs of smoke, Leia instantly moved from her spot. In a matter of seconds, Kylo had a pair of arms wrapped around him as his top was instantly being soaked in the stomach area. Hearing her soft cries being muffled as she held tightly onto her son, Kylo stood there with hands out, unsure of what to do.

Although it came rather easy to him with Chewie, it was far more different with his own mother.

Seeing how frozen Kylo got, his head slowly turned over to you as you gave him a single nod. _You kn_ _ow_ _what you have to do_. Hearing your voice in his head, he simply blinked before turning his attention down to her.

Pushing the woman off of him, Chewie tilted his head as you only laid a hand on his arm. "Watch..."

Staring at her son from the sudden movement, Kylo bent down and wrapped his arms around his mother, resting his chin on her shoulder. Embracing her son as she took in a deep breath, she smiled. "You're home." She finally spoke, Kylo keeping his eyes shut as he felt himself slightly shaking.

A part of him wanted to cry but nothing came out. It was almost as if being in her arms was all he ever needed to know that this was something he truly missed and was more than thankful to still have. Although he knew his heart needed this sort of comfort, he was well aware that it now resided elsewhere.

His mother was always his anchor, she was the one that had kept him the least bit of sane when he was younger. But since he had left and became a different person, losing himself along the way, he found something-- _someone_ \--else to keep him grounded once again.

In the end, he couldn't always rely on his mother, but, he could never forget the one person who was always there since the beginning. "You don't know how bad I want to pull you by the ear and yell at you for being such an idiot."

Feeling a smile grow on his lips as a few tears had ended up spilling, Kylo shook his head. "But, I can't embarrass you...at least not when y/n's around." She whispered, Kylos eyes opening as he thought of you. He had you to thank for this, for all of it, if you hadn't stepped into his life, who knows what he'd be doing right now. Let alone, how much worse he would've become.

"She makes you happy..." Nodding his head, Leia grinned, "Good. I approve. I wouldn't want anyone else for you, anyway." Hearing a small laugh leave her sons mouth, Leias smile grew. "I have her to thank." Kissing the side of his head, she pushed Ben back gently as she held onto his face. "And so do you."

Looking his mother in the eye, he could see the sudden relief that was presented in either of them. Shifting his eyes, he studied her face. She had aged, although gracefully, the war--and his turn--had taken a major toll on her. But, she was still kicking. She was still fighting and still held tightly onto that hope that was always in her. Even though she had her fathers attitude, she had her mother's determination and pure love for her people.

"I do..." He breathed. "I really do..." Turning their attention over to you as you were speaking to Chewie, Kylo and Leia smiled. "Sometimes I wonder if it was fate that brought her to me."

"You know, I was sure I'd be the one to restore the light in you..." Leia raised a brow as Kylo looked back over at her. "But, y/n is an exception. She gives you the sort of love you've never had before and that is different from my own. I'm glad she is able to give it to you." Lowering her hands and holding onto his own, she gave them a small squeeze. "And I'm very glad to see you safe and out of harms way."

"Yeah..." Taking in a deep breath, he looked down. "Y/n and I defeated Snoke." Raising her brows, Leia blinked. "Originally, y/n went to fight him on her own but he was too much and nearly killed her. I was lucky enough to get there on time to save her."

"Oh, y/n..." She muttered. "Always risking everything for those closest to her...that's very much like her."

"I know, and she doesn't think that her actions have consequences. If I hadn't been there, if I hadn't stabbed him in time...she would've been-"

"She's still with us, isn't she?" Leia interrupted as Kylo looked over at you and swallowed. "She can be reckless and quite the daredevil, but her heart is big and she means well. Possibly why she's survived so long, it's her will to fight."

Watching you carry on a conversation with Chewie as you had let out a laugh, Kylo thought about previous events; the sight of you on the ground, holding tightly onto your lightsaber to defend yourself and easily sensing your dwindling strength. It wasn't a sight he enjoyed, the fact that Snoke had the upper hand terrified him--which was the driving force as to why he made such drastic move. 

He had to do it, in the end, it was you or Snoke and he wasn't about to lose you.

"After her encounter, Im sure she's learned what limitations are." Turning his head to face his mother, he let out a breath. "As for myself...I've learned what it is to truly appreciate what you have."

"Good, I'm glad." Leia smiled. "What's important now is that you two get some rest, in the morning we'll catch up and discuss a few things. I'm sure it will be quite the process for you." She tilted her head the slightest as Kylo nodded. "Take good care of her, Ben. I'm counting on you. Give her what she deserves." Nudging her head over to you, Kylo slid from his mother's grip as he made his way over to you.

Although she could easily sense that her son wasn't going to stay forever, seeing as how there were people who clearly disliked him everywhere he looked, she was going to appreciate the small time she had with him. Even if that meant giving him as much advice and guidance as possible with the life he was now about to embark on.

Seeing Kylo come to a stop beside you, you took in a deep breath after you had finished laughing. "I'll see you around. It's good to see you again, Chewie." You saluted as the Wookiee roared. "Yes, I'll watch over Ben." You chuckled as Kylo wore a small smile before you took his hand in your own. "Bye, Chewie." With a wave, you tugged Kylo with you. "So?"

"So?" He questioned, looking over at you as you raised a brow. "Oh...you were right."

"Of course I was. You had to see them and they had to see you. They deserve it, it's been too long." You spoke, now guiding Kylo along the base as the people passing by didn't seem to pay any mind. Plenty of them didn't know how Kylo Ren actually looked from underneath the helmet. "And now that you're leaving again...you owe them this."

"She's happy...happier than she's ever been." Kylo pointed out about his mother. "Although I'm still growing accustomed to all these emotions...I'm glad."

"In due time you'll understand them and handle them better. Believe me." You looked up at him and gave him a reassuring smile. "For now, baby steps. This is your new life and you've got someone to help you along the way." Turning your attention back ahead, your hold around his hand tightened.

"Thank you." Kylo stopped in his tracks. "I don't think I've properly thanked you for all that you've done."

"All that I've done? Kylo, you-"

"No, I know I've saved your life from the hands of death plenty of times but you...you saved me from myself and from Snoke. So I thank you, y/n, for what you've done and are willing to do for me. The effort is unnecessary, but I won't fight it. There's no use, not when you're doing this from the bottom of your heart."

"I'm glad you see it that way." You grinned up at him. "But, the effort is necessary."

"I beg to-"

"It's necessary when someone you love loves you back and will do anything for that person." Turning around to continue walking, you spoke over your shoulder, "That's why it's necessary."


	23. This is What I Want

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter of Bad Temper, thank you all for being here through this 'ride'!

There was a sense of relief that was felt, flowing through the Force and intertwining itself with your nerves. A sense of freedom and a sense of a happiness. It had been a while since you felt such way, possibly years--maybe over a decade. After all the hardships and loss that you went through, this felt like heaven to you. Or, at least a sort of paradise.

The fact that you were no longer suffering alone lifted plenty of weights off of your shoulders. It was a wonderful feeling to have someone lift them up for you. Although you were one to live by 'I can do it myself', it did feel great when you let it slide at least once.

You were still the hero of your story, you fought your way through hell and came out alive. Even though Kylo technically saved you from the hands of death, not once had you allowed the darkness to taunt you or for the position you were once in to lessen you.

It was quite liberating. You were alive and you were home, or at least a literal place you lived in and had many of good friends-- _family_ \--nearby. For once, you had a big smile on your face. It had been so long since you last _truly_ smiled. At least, a smile that came from every inch of your heart. You were happy and you were alive.

As for Kylo, he was still adjusting. It was a whole process on its own. Getting used to the change wasn't going to be easy, but he knew he had you to help him along the way.

The feeling of someone being by his side made his once void of a heart feel alive. Although he was sure his soul was pitch black, it felt like it was gaining some color.

There was no lie he didn't feel out of place, being somewhere so unfamiliar and filled with people that--if they knew who he truly was--would attack him in a heart beat.

But, he was greeted with arms wide open by his mother and what he considered his _other_ uncle.

Then there was you.

You weren't there since the beginning, but, it was almost as if you had walked in at the right time. After the battle of Starkiller, he felt almost as if he was truly going to lose the last bit of himself. Little by little, those small fragments were disintegrating to the point it was too hard to hold onto. But then you walked in and you were able to catch those pieces.

There was something about your ruthlessness, the way you carried yourself, and the fact that you did have a temper. In the end, it was the temper that intrigued him the most. But he never imagined you to have such a soft spot, specially for a man like himself.

Yet, here you were, by his side and sharing your world with him because you loved him. Something he would never get used to--love. Although his parents did love him, it wasn't shown enough with the lives they had, so it almost felt like he had none to receive or give.

Which is why it was so strange that he was so easily giving it to you and admitting it. Never did Kylo Ren imagine himself having a lover, let alone, being the one to take the first step.

But, if he never had...would you two be in the same spot you were in now? It was highly unlikely with all the doubt you had, along with stubbornness. So maybe it was a necessity that Kylo had been such way, maybe it was the Force who had helped him out.

Maybe the Force was tired of all his screw ups and damages to the galaxy that it needed to do something about it _and_ him.

"Here we are." You breathed, eyeing the door to the room you hadn't seen in, what felt to be, light years. It felt rather comforting to be back in your own room, your own bed and your own personal quarters. As nice as it was living with Kylo, you were in two very foreign places--one being a hostile environment while the other was in the middle of who knows what rim and underground.

"Is this your room?" Kylo questioned as you nodded, turning around and giving him a smile. "What?"

"I feel like I'm taking you home for the first time as if it's our first date." You chuckled, looking down as you shook your head. You felt so bubbly, a feeling you've never felt before around anyone; to the point you were quite giddy. If these were the symptoms of being in love, you didn't know if you liked it or not. "Never mind that, it's just a room." Waving a hand, Kylo only got a hold of it and held it in his own.

Looking up at him, he nudged his head over to the door. "Technically, we've never gone on a date, and you've never taken me to your home before, so."

"So, what? Is this our first date? Showing you the Resistance base and the room I claimed my own?" You raised a brow as you lightly laughed.

"I don't care where it is, anywhere with you is a gift as it is." He spoke down to you as your cheeks felt like they were on fire.

Turning away, hand still in Kylo's hold, you punched in the code to your quarters and stood there. The second the doors had opened, you felt a breeze of cold air hit you--your room looked so unused. "It's not as big as your room on the Finalizer-"

"That doesn't matter to me, as long as it's yours." Looking back over at him, you took in a small breath. Why were you feeling nervous now? It had been a while since you two had been seeing each other, so why did it feel like you had just met him and just gained feelings for him?

Was it because you only recently mentioned "I love you"?

The possibly could be it.

"Whatever you say..." Turning back ahead, you pulled him in with you. "Though my bed is quite small compared to yours..."

"We'll make it work for the time being." He simply spoke as the door closes behind you.

Moving him over to your bed, you sat him on it. "I have something I think we both need." Letting go of his hand, you walked over to your closet as Kylo eyed your room. It wasn't anything out of the ordinary, but somehow it still screamed 'you'. Possibly with how clean and tidied up it was.

Turning himself to look at the nightstand behind him, he saw the image of your parents, next it being the crumble image he had snuck into your pocket. Lightly smiling to himself, his attention was caught on the flower he had given you a while back.

Although it had been completely dead and lacked color, the sight of it made him happy, reminding him of that day. Even though it wasn't the happiest day, the time he had with you and being on Endor all alone made it better. "So, there isn't all that much left because I couldn't stop myself from drinking it...but here's some of that Coruscant liquor." Twirling the liquid inside the bottle as you smiled over at Kylo, he turned back around.

Eyeing it, he grabbed onto it. "I'm amazed you even have some left." Popping it open, he didn't waste anytime, chugging away.

Shaking your head, you got a hold of his wrist and lowered it. "Might I remind you that that is mine and I'd like to have some for myself." Moving the bottle away from his mouth as he looked at you with raised brows, he wiped the excess liquor from his mouth with the back of his free hand.

"Sorry, I haven't had since our visit and I couldn't handle myself." Reaching out his arm, you let out a small laugh before grabbing the bottle.

"That's fine, as long as I'm able to have some, too." Taking a few swigs, Kylo watched you as you winked at him.

"On our little...adventure, I think we should stop by Coruscant." Raising a brow, you only lowered the bottle. "So we could get one of those..." He pointed to the bottle. "Or a couple..."

Seeing him shrug, you laughed. "That's fine by me." Handing him the rest, Kylo took it and swallowed it in almost one gulp. "I actually enjoyed Coruscant...with you."

"Yes, cause the fact that I almost kissed you was quite memorable." He shook his head before you took the bottle and placed it on the dresser.

"Kylo, I ended up kissing you and I felt embarrassed. Doesn't stop me from admitting the truth." You shrugged. "Although now it makes sense as to how I could read those posters." Tapping your chin, Kylo sighed. "And you knew all along." Narrowing your eyes as you pointed at him, Kylo lifted his hands up.

"I couldn't possibly tell you then and there that you were Force sensitive, I still wasn't one hundred percent sure-"

"I still deserved to know." Shoving his shoulder the slightest, Kylo shook his head.

"It wasn't in your best interests, if I had told you, then I'm sure it would've changed a lot of things." He spoke.

"Kylo, I'm sure it would've made a lot of things easier. Like, I would've somehow prevented myself from being kidnapped. I wouldn't think about blaming you for it...and, I would've asked Luke for help." You said in a matter of fact tone. "Which, I still don't understand it how he, nor Rey, sensed it."

"I can't believe you rather have Luke guide you than myself." Kylo squinted his eyes as you rolled your own.

"Okay, really? He is from the light side, need I remind you. He is also living here with me and not on a remote moon or a floating fortress of doom." You spoke with your hands as Kylo was now the one rolling _his_ eyes. "Plus, I wouldn't have to worry about Snoke."

"If you hadn't trained with me, you wouldn't have found out about the whole prophecy-"

"It is not a prophecy, I was just doing what you Skywalker men couldn't do." You simply shrugged as Kylo had the urge to gasp. "That's okay, Kenobi's seem to get it right."

"Of course, that's why you're the only one left." He nonchalantly stated, only to regret his words as you gave him look. "No, I didn't mean that, I'm sorry." He instantly stood up, grabbing onto your upper arms.

Letting out a breath, you shook your head. "It's fine, I understood your intentions. Still doesn't make you any better, though. I think the only reasonable one was your mother." You smirked as Kylos shoulders dropped. "I'd say your grandmother, but I don't know as much about her."

"I get it, alright." Removing his hands from you, he turned around to walk back to your bed, only for you to grin as you went to wrap your arms tightly around his waist.

"Hey, it's okay because you're my favorite." Looking over at you as you smiled up at him, he shook his head and looked back ahead. "Oh, don't give me that offended crap." Letting go of him as you went to stand in front of him, he only moved you to switch places with him as he sat back down.

"I'm not offended." He lied.

"You can't lie to me. I can literally read you." You pointed out, Kylo staying quiet as you sighed. "Don't be a big baby, you know I'm right."

"Whatever, Kenobi." Raising your brows as your mouth fell open, you scoffed.

"Okay, _Skywalker_." You glared at him, Kylo simply sitting there with his elbow propped on his knee, chin lying in his palm, focus shifting elsewhere. "Damn, I save you for your own hell and I give you love and support and I even gave you my _body_ and this is my thanks?"

"I have to thank you?" He nearly muttered as his eyes moved to look at you as you gasped.

"Yes?! I didn't have to do any of that, you know! I could've shoved my feelings away, kept you as an enemy and hated you instead of loved you. I also could've left you to rot."

"You wouldn't have." He blatantly spoke as you squinted your eyes, thrown off at how unfazed Kylo was.

"I so would have! I would have said, screw you Kylo Ren, Ben Solo is clearly did and no one can save him." You pointed your finger.

"You would've let my mother down."

"Okay, then...then I didn't have to have sex with you! I could've gone a life without knowing how big Kylo Ren truly is and I would've been totally fine by that!" You waved your finger as you spoke.

"Sure, you would've."

"I definitely would! I don't need you for satisfaction! I find thrill in...in fighting and missions! And in myself!" You continuously fired back.

"How depressing." Kylo stated as his focus was back in another direction. "Although, I do agree with finding thrill in yourself. You are quite thrilling."

Rolling your eyes as he had spoken, you got a hold of his chin and practically smacked your lips against his own, catching him off guard. "You are _so_ lucky that I love you." Kissing him again, you let go of his chin and stood back up. "But you can be a real dick."

Looking up at you, Kylo grabbed onto your wrist and tugged you to him, moving his hands onto your cheeks before mumbling in your ear. "You very well know that." Screwing your eyes back as you understood the true connotations behind it, Kylo pressed his lips against your own before pulling you closer to him, to the point you lied a knee beside his thigh.

Moving his hands down to your waist, you held onto his face as you kissed him. "You're a strange man, Ren." You muttered against his lips. " _Very_ strange." Continuing on with the kiss, Kylo pulled you closer and closer, you finding yourself straddling him, then pushing him back on the bed as you moved your lips against his own.

Lowering his hands down to the back your thighs, you slid your own down his shirt, only realizing the material was still a bit wet. "What is it?" Kylo asked as you had leaned away.

"We should take a shower...we're still pretty wet." You pointed out as you sat up while Kylo propped himself on his elbows; you went to touch us hair, digging your hands in the back and nodding. "Yep, still wet."

"Let's shower then."

"Let's?" You raised a brow. "You want us to share a shower?"

"I don't see the problem? We shared the hot spring along with the fact that we _did_ have sex...and I'm sure this was about to lead to that." He spoke as you sighed.

"You are right..." Getting off of him, you walked over to your washroom. "But we're not having sex in the shower, I don't need either of us slipping and breaking something." You pointed a finger at Kylo as he stood up, following you after.

"Way to ruin my fantasy." He teased as the two of you made your way into the washroom.

"Fantasy?" You chuckled.

"Yes, no thanks to the hot spring." He spoke as if it were obvious, you only laughing as Kylo went to remove his shirt.

"Wow, yeah, water in weird places."

"Whatever." He rolled his eyes, grabbing onto your shirt and helping you (as if you needed assistance) take it off.

"I can take my own shirt off, Kylo." You spoke as he lifted it up while you raised your arms.

"Let me enjoy the moment." Going to remove your pants, you let out a breath as Kylo crouched down, you holding onto his shoulder to balance.

"You're a creep." You teased as he simply ignored you.

"There is nothing wrong with undressing your lover even if she's clearly capable of doing so." Taking off his own pants and undergarment, you went to unhook your bra, but Kylo shoved your hands.

"You're capable of removing a bra?" You asked as Kylo practically wrapped his arms around you.

"What? Like it's hard?" Taking it off of you, you only blinked.

"Uh...no..." The people you've slept with before had no clue as to how to remove a simple bra.

Looking down at you as he dropped your bra with the rest of the clothes, he furrowed his brows. "Have other men before me struggled with taking it off?"

"Other men? What?" You scoffed as you waved a hand. "I don't know-"

"Y/n."

"Okay, yeah. They're idiots." Your shoulders slumped as Kylo shook his head. "It isn't all that difficult...but seeing you be able to take it off, it's kind of relieving."

"I'm capable of doing some things." Watching him walk around you to get into the shower, you smiled the slightest.

"Yeah..." Sliding off your underwear, you joined him in the shower.

Although you were supposed to just shower, you and Kylo got carried away. You started off right, washing your hair as Kylo had helped you because he insisted he should--he just wanted to continue caring for you which, at this point, you were growing accustomed to. As much as you claimed your independence, it felt nice to have someone there who _willingly_ wanted to do things for you.

Finding the two of you now breathlessly making out, Kylo holding onto the back of your head with one hand as the other lied on your bare, lower back, you had one pressed against the shower door while the other on the back of Kylos neck. The two of you had gotten carried away after Kylo had grown enough courage to try out something different.

As you were letting the water wash away the soap from your body, Kylo had watched as the drops trickled down your body gracefully, to the point he was mesmerized by such a simple sight.

Gently lying his hands on your hips--after a while of convincing himself not to just run his hands all over your body--he bent forward enough to press kisses along your shoulder. Before you could even process it, the two of you had your lips connected, holding onto one another as the water poured down on either of you.

Grabbing fistful of your hair as his other hand lowered the slightest, your brows raised as Kylo had given your ass a squeeze--something you never expected of him. Lightly squealing into the kiss, Kylo quickly pushed away. "I'm sorry-"

"N-no! Don't apologize, I just...I didn't expect you to do that..." Looking up at him, you grinned. "It's...it's a nice surprise, you're becoming more open."

"That wasn't strange for you? I really wasn't thinking and I-"

"Kylo, it's okay. We're together, you could practically do anything to me." You smiled, only for it to drop. "Well, not just anything, I have to be okay with it. Nothing too weird."

"Okay." He nodded, you nodding back but Kylo had pulled you right back into the kiss before your head could even shift down.

Not realizing how much time you had spent in the shower just making out--as if there would be no tomorrow--you heard a knock on your main door.

Turning your head as your hands held onto Kylos wrists as he had a grip on your hips, you sighed. "Way to interrupt the fun."

"To be fair, I think we've been in here for an hour." Kylo spoke as you looked back at him.

"I guess." Lowering his hands as you turned around to shut off the water, you walked out and grabbed a pair of towels, tossing Kylo one as you quickly dried yourself.

Wrapping the towel around you, you turned to face Kylo. "Wait here, I know." He spoke before you could even say a word, you furrowing your brows.

"Okay, then..." Turning and walking out, Kylo began to dry his hair with the towel.

Hearing the knocking again, you pressed the open button. "Sorry to bother, but I..." Looking at you in just a towel, Leia raised her brows. "I brought a change of clothes for Ben...I'm glad I did." She spoke as her eyes shifted behind you.

Following the direction she had been looking in, Kylo was there, sticking a cotton swab in his ear. "Kylo!" You shrieked as he looked at you.

"What? I heard it was my mother. It's not like she'd care." Walking over as you watched him with your jaw clenched, his chest was nearly inches away from your face. "Thanks." He spoke, grabbing the clothes as Leia fought a grin.

Looking up at Kylo, you glared, the man casually walking away to go change. "I'm sorry about that..." You apologized as you had instantly turned around.

"Oh, that's fine. At least he's with someone good enough." She nodded. "Although it's a bit of a surprise..."

"I'm so sorry..." You scratched the side of your head. "I told him to stay in the washroom and-"

"Y/n, it's okay. I'm actually happy for the two of you." She nodded as you blinked. "It's well deserved."

"Th-thank...you."

"Although I really could smack Ben across the head, I'll let it be." She winked as you chuckled. "If you two get hungry, the mess hall has food." Leia informed as you gave her a look. "Which, you should know because you're a captain!"

Feeling your mood change, you let out a breath. "We need to talk later..."

"Ah, yes. But, for now, please enjoy yourselves." Shooing you, as if for you to go back to Kylo, Leia walked off.

"Were you just about to tell her?" Quickly turning around and looking at a now semi dressed Kylo--topless--you rubbed your forehead.

"She called me captain, I had almost forgotten..." Walking over to you as he held onto the tunic, he got a hold of your chin.

"It'll be okay, this is what you want and this is what I want to do with you." Nodding your head, Kylo kissed your forehead. "She'll understand. We need this."

. . .

"A lot had happened beforehand..." You spoke, sitting across from Leia as Kylo was sat beside you, in her office. "I wanted to tell you, after all, he is your son and you had every right to know...but I-" Clearing your throat, you continued on, "I couldn't. He was the enemy and word had gone out, people would've assumed things and I...I wouldn't be able to defend myself."

Looking over at you as you spoke, Kylo took in a small breath. "I understand." Leia spoke up.

"Finn knew...accidentally found out. It wasn't like he and I did anything," You gestured between you and Kylo. "Actually, nothing was happening, he just-"

"I was infatuated in her and I did everything I could to speak to her." Kylo interrupted as you looked down. "She tried pushing me away. she kept saying it was wrong and I was well aware of that but I couldn't stop myself from wanting to be with her." Feeling your cheeks heat up, you sucked in a quiet breath.

"I see..." Leia nodded. "Finn had told Rey about your interactions, which she didn't take so well." She stated as you gulped, Kylo only tightening his jaw. "They then mentioned it to me, believing I should know because of your kidnapping...Finn believed Ben wasn't at fault." Narrowing your brows as you looked over at Kylo, he only looked at his mother and blinked. "I know, it sounds unbelievable but he insisted. Which...I'm assuming he's right?" Leia turned her attention over to you as you nodded.

"I thought, originally, Kylo had taken part. I'll admit to that." You truthfully spoke as Kylo looked at you, shoulders lowering. "I mean, the Knights were the ones who took me and I was brought to Snoke...it would only make sense. Along with the fact that he was so attached to me, that could've been it...but he insisted he took no part and...although I didn't believe him, I eventually had. He actually was trying to protect me from that...that's kind of why he was always there for me on missions."

Narrowing her brows, Leia tilted her head. The thought of her son doing something like that only made her heart well up. There was good in him, she knew it all along. "What else happened while you were out there?"

"Well, I was sort of forced to be his apprentice, but he was teaching me under the ways of the light." You informed as Leia shifted her focus to her son, seeing him looking down. "Like I said, a lot happened along the way, between us and other factors. We were on the Finalizer, but then we went to this remote moon and continued my training there. It wasn't all that long, but, I was a quick learner."

Nodding her head, you continued on. "I was having these...dreams. Eventually I found out as to why...I'm a descendant of-"

"Obi Wan Kenobi." Leia spoke for you as you raised your brows. "I kind of figured it out a while back but never said anything, I didn't want to add anything onto you. Plus, you were unaware of your Force sensitivity. I'm sure Ben knew all along."

Looking up and over at you, you turned your head. "Well, I guess it was about time I had found out." Opening the jacket you were now wearing, you pulled out the hilt you held in it. "Because, I was able to find this." Reaching your arm out, Leia took the lightsaber in her hand and eyed it, brows furrowed. 

"How?"

"Aside from the dreams, I had help from his Force ghost." You spoke. "My grandmother was able to retrieve it and place it back in his hut...which is exactly where I found it."

"And now...it's yours..." Leia eyed the hilt before handing it back.

"It would only make sense, I could put it to good use." Grabbing onto it, you eyed it yourself. "Which is why I need to-" Being cut off, you heard the door behind you open.

"Y/n?!" Recognizing the voice, you looked over and instantly stood up, seeing the trio walk in, you rushing over and was engulfed in a hug.

"Rey!" You smiled. "Finn...Poe..." Hugging them back as they swallowed you in their arms, they moved back, Finn laying a hand on your shoulder as Rey grabbed your hand and eyed the hilt in it.

"It's good to see you again, captain." Finn spoke as your heart skipped a beat.

"Y/n...is this yours?" Rey questioned as you turned your attention from Finn, to her.

"Uh, yeah...long story but it's actually Obi Wan Kenobis...and now it's mine." You spoke as she looked up at you, Poe squeezing in between the two and looking at you.

"Are you saying that you're a Kenobi? Cause we know what happened to Rey." Chuckling, you nodded. 

"No way?!" Rey exclaimed.

"Yeah, it's a whole story for-" Hearing the door open again, you looked over and saw Luke walking in, over to you as he gave you a kind smile.

"It's good to see you, y/n." Bowing your head, you smiled back. 

"Likewise, Luke." Seeing him bow his head back, he turned his attention away, freezing up in his spot. Following where his eyes had been looking, Kylo slowly turned around as a silence filled the room, looking over at his uncle and slowly standing up.

Staring between the two, you looked back over at Finn, Rey and Poe. It wasn't until then that they had realized who else was in the room. "Why don't we go outside and I can tell you about the hassle it was to retrieve this." Waving the lightsaber hilt in your hold, the three looked back at you and nodded, the four of you walking out. Before you had exited the room, you looked over at Kylo and gave him a halfhearted smile, giving him a sort of reassurance through the Force.

Watching the two stare at one another, Leia stood up from her spot and walked over to Kylo's side. "I'm going to leave you two be." She spoke, getting a hold of Kylo's arm as he looked down at her, his mother giving him a reassuring smile before walking off. "You need this." She muttered over to Luke as he shifted his eyes towards her, nodding his head before looking back at his nephew.

Walking out of the room, she saw the four of you standing to aside, you telling them the whole story of who you were on Tattoine and saw Obi Wan's Force ghost, along with Anakins and your sisters, the three asking you dozens of questions. Seeing you smile as you spoke, Leia took in a small breath as she watched. She sensed an uneasiness from you and it was almost as if she knew what it was.

The silence between Kylo and Luke was deafening. The sudden tension was too thick to the point it was suffocating, the one person who he had ultimately betrayed and failed was now standing in front of him. Although his interactions with his mother and Chewie were difficult, having to approach Luke almost seemed impossible. "Ben." Luke broke the silence as Kylo gulped, looking at the man, feeling as if he had been holding his breath.

"Luke." He spoke up, unsure of what to say or do.

"You've...grown." The man spoke, Kylo narrowing his brows the slightest, knowing how hard it was on the both of them.

"You've aged." Kylo responded.

"That's what happens when you're in exile."

Nodding his head, Kylo looked down for a moment, collecting his thoughts. "An apology isn't sufficient enough...it won't fix what I have done to you and the galaxy. I did suffer from my mistakes." Looking over at his uncle, Kylo felt his body growing tense. "I can't repair the damage nor can I revive those I have killed, but...I was finally able to realize my mistakes. And it does haunt me at night, I can barely sleep and there's not a second I don't think about it...but now I have y/n and she's helped me get to this point."

"Y/n..." Luke nearly whispered as Kylo took in a small breath.

"I don't think I would've been able to do this on my own...I was in too deep, I was submerged too far down and I was holding myself back along with Snoke. But she was able to lend me a hand and help pull me out. I wouldn't say it's love that saved me, I think it was the fact that someone out there was in pain as well, but in their own way and handled it differently and was able to show me that even when it hurts...I could get through it. In the end, I needed someone who could truly understand me." Kylo breathed. "In the end, I needed a friend."

"It's been hell." Luke spoke up. "But through the time I had with just myself...I realized how hard it was on you. I can't say it truly justifies your actions, but, they do contribute. You were always on your own, barely saw your parents, all you ever did was train...it had taken a toll on you and I should've realized that sooner than later."

Looking at his uncle, Kylo thought about his past. "What you did truly affected the galaxy...but, the fact that you've become aware of the damage, it makes things a bit better." Nodding his head, Kylo inhaled. "None of it stops the fact that you are my nephew and that we are family. I've seen my father realize his mistakes and make the right move...I somehow always had hope you would. And here you are. I'm glad y/n was there to help you through it as I had for my father. No one said it'd be easy. The dark side is powerful, it consumes and manipulates you, but making such move and realizing what's right from wrong...it's a big step."

"I defeated him..." Kylo said, focus shifting from his uncle, down to the ground. "Y/n had actually taken it in herself to fight Snoke, but she wasn't capable of it...she fought as much as she could, but even someone as determined as her needed the help. And I gave it to her."

"She is quite stubborn." Luke nodded.

"Yes...but it came down between choosing the dark side or a friend...and I didn't second guess myself. I chose her."

"And she brought you back..." Nodding his head, Luke took in a breath. "Who would've thought it would've been the hardheaded one." Luke joked as Kylo let out a small laugh.

"It only makes sense. In the end..." Gulping, Kylo looked away. "Everybody deserves to be loved."

Feeling his eyes widen the slightest as he had listened to Kylo, Luke could sense how apprehensive his nephew was to admit it. "Leia was right then." Looking back at his uncle, Kylo narrowed his brows. "She did say you loved y/n...and now that you've admit to it, it only makes sense. Y/n isn't one to let anyone in that easily, let alone, at all. Seeing as you've become the one, although it's quite surprising...it makes sense."

Finishing up your conversation with the three, you looked over at Leia as she had been to a side. "Leia?" You spoke over, the woman looking over and then walking your way.

"I didn't want to interrupt, but, can we speak?" She asked you as you nodded.

"I'm happy you're home." Rey smiled as Finn and Poe nodded.

"We'll see you around." Poe saluted.

"It's good to have you back." Finn patted your shoulder before the three left your sight.

"You haven't told them..." Leia spoke rather than questioned, watching the three walk away as you shook your head.

"No...at least not now." You said.

"I understand." Turning her head to face you.

"Leia, I need to speak to you about something. Although I prefer...Ben to be here, I think it's best I just say it now." You nervously held onto the hilt.

"What is it?" Leia questioned.

"Now that I'm aware of my abilities...I think it's best I understand them fully. I don't think I could do that while being a captain." Your voice nearly faltered as Leia looked up at you, face softening. "I don't want to do this to you, you've just gained your son back and I'm finally back home...but, I want to travel the galaxy."

"With Ben..." She muttered as you nodded.

"It would be in the best interest for the both of us. He wouldn't feel at home here, no one would look at him the same and...and they'd treat him differently. He doesn't need that, not when he's...recovering from it all." You swallowed. "And he agrees."

"I sort of expected this." Leia spoke truthfully. "I wouldn't expect him to want to stay...but now that he has a reason to go out in the galaxy, with someone he's grown so close to, I think it's best, as well." She lightly smiled as you inhaled. "How long?"

"I'm not sure, as long as it takes...however long it takes Ben to find himself and the peace he needs. We both will be getting something out of this."

"You will visit, right?" She raised a brow as you softly laughed.

"Of course, as much as we can."

"Okay." She nodded, grabbing onto the hand that had the hilt in it. "Take good care of yourself, and Ben...and this." Leia gestured to the lightsaber as you nodded. "Always know you'll have a home with the Resistance."

. . .

"How did she take it?" Kylo asked as the two of you sat in a new spacecraft Leia had given you.

"Better than I expected, although I could feel some sorrow, there was a hint of optimism. She expected it to happen. I think what made it better was the fact that it's something the two of us need." You looked at him as you spoke. "What about Luke? How did that go?"

"Better than I expected." He copied as you smiled. 

"Did you tell him?" You questioned.

"Yeah...he was a bit disappointed, but he supported it. He said this was a better way to leave than before." Kylo sighed as you held back a laugh. "Did you ever tell the other three?"

Taking in a breath, you looked away and over to the control panel, shaking your head. "I couldn't."

"Y/N Y/L/N!" Hearing a muffled voice yell out, you looked behind you before turning back ahead and out the window seeing Rey, Finn, Poe and almost everyone in the Resistance standing right in front of the ship.

"Oh, stars..." You muttered, seeing Rey standing there with crossed arms.

"I think you should go out there." Kylo spoke as he turned to look at you, your heart now racing. Of course they'd find out, you _were_ their captain.

"I think I should..." Standing up, you were just about to walk away until Kylo pulled you back.

"We could postpone this-"

"No, no it's okay, I want us to go." You nodded. "The longer I stay, the harder it'll be." Nodding his head, Kylo let go of your hand before you rushed off.

"Were you really about to leave without telling us?" Finn asked as you had walked over, taking in small breaths.

"I had to...it would've been too hard." Your shoulders slumped.

"Do you think we wouldn't want to know?" Poe asked as you sighed.

"Of course not..."

"Look, I know you didn't want to tell us because of...well," Shifting her eyes over to the ship, Rey then looked back down at you. "But, we'd understand. The two of you have been through a lot together and...it was kind of expected." She shrugged.

Feeling your eyes water up, you took in a shaky breath. "I love you guys." Instantly pulling the three of them into a hug, their eyes widened before a laugh erupted. Of course it wasn't a common thing to hear or see you do such thing, but you changed--for the best--and your eyes were more open than ever.

"We love you, too." The three spoke at once.

"Please, don't forget us." Poe spoke.

"And don't forget to visit!" Finn pointed a finger as you had moved away from the hug.

"I promise I wont forget and that I will visit." You nodded. "But, eventually, we all have to move on and try new things. Like you guys did." You gestured to Rey and Finn. "It was a true honor to have met the two of you and I'm more than thankful to have had the chance."

"Ugh, you're going to make me cry." Rey rolled her eyed before pulling you into her arms. "Please holo call me, send me messages, anything, just don't lose communication. You've been a big influence in my life." She muttered as you felt a few tears slip, hugging her back. "You're like the big sister I never had."

"Same here." Finn spoke as you smiled.

"You're more of a little sister to me." Poe added as you chuckled.

"Thank you, guys." Letting go from the hug, Rey held onto your arms.

"If that bucketbrain up there does anything stupid, know I wouldn't think twice of kicking his ass a second time." Rey spoke rather sternly as you playfully rolled your eyes.

"He wont, I promise you." Getting a hold of her hands and removing them, you gave them a small squeeze. "Thank you for dealing with my crap."

"Anytime." She nodded before you had let go of her, the three joining the crowd behind them.

"May the Force be with you!" The crowd echoed.

Waving at them, you felt more tears fall, you turning around and walking back over to the ramp as you wiped your tears. "Y/n, wait!" Turning around, Leia rushed over to you. "Thank you for all that you have done for the Resistance...your parents would have been so proud of you."

"Of course." You nodded, Leia pulling you into a tight hug before she nearly shoved you away for you to go. 

"Go on! Take care and remember to visit every chance you get!" She waved as you waved back.

"I won't forget!" Walking back up the ramp, you took in a deep breath as you stopped in your tracks, seeing the back of Kylo's head. Smiling, you couldn't help but think about all that you've been through with him. Rushing over to him, you wrapped your arms over his shoulder and kissed his cheek. 

Moving away from him, you took your spot on the co-pilot seat as Kylo looked at you with a rapidly beating heart. "What was that for?"

Shrugging as you manned your area, you kept your focus ahead. "Nothing...I just have some love to give." Eyeing the crowd as they waved up at you, you smiled. "A lot of love, actually..."

Gazing over at you as he watched the smile on your lips grow, his heart skipped a beat. You had finally gained the courage to open up and give and take the love you deserved, and so did Kylo--even if it wasn't the easiest thing for him to do, he had a lot to give _you_. "Then I guess we have a lot to expect during this journey." Turning his attention back ahead as your grin grew, the ship lifted off. 

You may have lost a lot, but, in the end, you've gained so much.


End file.
